The Princess
Loosely based on 'The Mikado' by Gilbert And Sullivan.
Disclaimer: I don't own the Pizza Cats. This is just a new experient I'm tryong out. I love the operetta The Mikado, and seeing as how it takes place in Japan, I decided to update it with the Pizza Cats.
The songs (with notable exceptions) are parodies of the Gilbert and Sullivan ones in The Mikado.
ACT 1
Scene 1
The town square of Little Tokyo. Various GENTLEMEN enter as music starts.
GENTLEMEN (singing)
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan:
To be exact, Little Tokyo—
On many a screen and fan,
We wander all around:
Living in this tiny town—
You're wrong if you think it ain't, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a Japanese marionette,
You're fully understanding of these things:
It is simply Court etiquette.
As is decreed by our Dear Princess
Don't you think she sings a lovely song?
If that's your idea, you're wrong, oh, oh!
If that's your idea, you're wrong.
If you want to know who we are,
We are gentlemen of Japan:
To be exact, Little Tokyo
On screen and fan,
Living in this tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny town , oh! oh! oh! oh!
We wander all around,
On screen and fan.
[Enter AL DENTE
AL DENTE (Recitative)
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me
Have you seen the Big Cheese,
Named Lord High Executioner of our Land?
In pity speak, oh speak I pray you!
JERRY ATRIC (Recitative)
Why, tell us why you ask this question?
AL DENTE (Recitative)
I'm not that eager to see him, I'll tell you.
Music stops
JERRY ARTIC
Yeah, you and I and everyone here. Don't worry, he's not here yet.
AL DENTE
Well, great.
JERRY ATRIC
What brings you here, anyway?
AL DENTE
Just making a routine check on everything. (snickers) Yeah, "routine check". I'll think of any excuse to get away from Big Cheese even for a few minutes, I tell you, ever since he came back from Prisoner's Island, things here have been turned upside-down!
JERRY ATRIC
And all because the Princess HAD to make that new law! (music starts)
AL DENTE
Don't I know it! (sings)
Our great Princess Vi, virtuous girl,
When she to rule our land began,
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might best be steadied.
So she decreed, in words succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless connubially linked),
Should forthwith be beheaded, beheaded, beheaded
Should forthwith be beheaded.
And I expect you'll all agree
That she was right to so decree.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!
CHORUS
And you are right.
And we are right,
And all is right, is right as right can be!
And all is right as right can be!
right as right can be!
Al DANTE
This stern decree, you'll understand,
Caused great dismay throughout the land!
For young and old
And shy and bold
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die—
He usually objected, objected, objected,
He usually objected.
And you'll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object.
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
CHORUS
And you are right,
And we are right,
And everything is quite, is quite correct,
And everything is quite correct,
All is quite correct!
AL DANTE
And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the Prisoner's Island jail,
Whose head was next
On some pretext
Condemned to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
"Who's next to be decapited
Cannot cut off another's head
Until he's cut his own off, his own off, his own off.
Until he's cut his own off."
And we are right, I think you'll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right—too-looral-lay!
CHORUS
And I am right,
And you are right,
And you are right,—too-looral-lay!
AL DANTE and CHORUS
And we are right,
And all is right,
And all is right!
[Exeunt CHORUS.
JERRY ATRIC(Spoken)
The Big Cheese, the fomer Prime Minister,, Lord High Executioner of Little Tokyo! Why, that's the highest rank a Citizen can attain!
AL DANTE
(Spoken)It is. Our logical Princess, seeing no moral difference between the dignified judge that condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner.
JERRY ATRIC(Spoken)
And how good for you (for I see that you are still serving under him, as am I) to continue to put up with him!
AL DANTE
(Spoken)Don't mention it. I'm only her serving under him to keep an eye on him and to TRY to keep this kingdom running as smooth as it possibly can. Consequently, my family pride is somthing inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of state resigned in a body, because they were too pround to serve under Big Cheese, did I not unhesitantly accept all their posts at once?
JERRY ATRIC(Spoken)
And all the salaries attached to them? You did.
AL DANTE
(Spoken)It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master of the Buckhounds, Groom of the Back Stairs, Archbishop of Little Tokyo, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! it revolts me, but I do it!
JERRY ATRIC
(Spoken)And it does you credit.
AL DANTE
(Spoken)But I don't stop at that. I go and dine with middle-class people on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however lowly. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure.
JERRY ATRIC (spoken)
So, what is going on with him?
AL DANTE (spoken):
You haven't heard?
JERRY ATRIC (spoken):
No, what?
Al DANTE:
It's time!
JERRY ATRIC:
Time?
AL DANTE:
For the choosing!
JERRY ATRIC:
The choosing!!
AL DANTE:
Well, you know. As befitting his post as the Lord High Executioner he has the priviledge of choosing whatever woman he wants to have for a wife! Whoever he chooses to wife HAS to marry him the very next week. No ifs, ands, of buts!
JERRY ATRIC:
Oh, poor,..I mean oh wow, what priviledge that is!
AL DANTE (sarcastically):
Oh yeah, you bet. Getting the most honored title of Wife Of Lord High Executioner, having all the riches of the Kingdom second only to The Princess, getting to live in the Executioner Mansion, having the finest of everything..and the only thing she has to do is marry Big Cheese! It's all worth it….yeah right.
JERRY ATRIC:
And he has already chosen her?
AL DANTE:
That's what he said. He's chosen the girl he wants to marry and he will announce it in an hour to Little Tokyo.
JERRY ATRIC:
Wonder who the poor Dear is?
AL DANTE:
We'll find out soon enough. Oh look, here he comes now! (Music starts. BIG CHEESE now enters brandishing his fan and wearing his brightly colored kimono. He is obviously on top of the world due to his impending announcement) The CHORUS appears in front of him to announce him)
NOBLE #1:
Attention, attention all! Please be at attention! Announcing The Lord High Executioner, the Lord Seymore Cheese! (Begins to blow horn as other NOBLES make isle for him)
CHORUS OF NOBLES
Behold the Lord High Executioner
A personage of noble rank and title-
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are so important and vital!
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner!
[Enter BIG CHEESE
BIG CHEESE:
Taken from Prisoner's Island
By a set of curious chances;
Liberted then on bail,
On my own lucky and handsome stancces ;
Wafted by a stroke of luck
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
surely, never had a male
Under such like circumstances
So adventurous tale
Which may rank with most romances.
CHORUS OF NOBLES
Defer, defer
To the Lord High Executioner!
BIG CHEESE (speaking like Paul Lynde as music stops):
Good morning, Gentilemen!
AL DANTE, JERRY ATRIC:
Good Morning, Sir (bows low before him)
JERRY ATRIC:
So, Sir, I understand congratulations are to be on order, for you have chosen!
BIG CHEESE:
Indeed I have, Gentlemen. Indeed I have!
AL DANTE:
Who have you chosen, Sir?
BIG CHEESE:
You'll find out at the ceremony at the Main Square. Have everyone from Little Tokyo assemble there, and I want EVERYONE, NO exceptions, all right?
AL DANTE:
Yes,. Sir!
BIG CHEESE:
I mean it. If but one person is missing, they go right on my list, understand?
AL DANTE:
If you please, Sir, what list would that be?
BIG CHEESE:
Why, my list of people to be executed, of course!! (he takes out scroll from one of his sleeves and unrolls it. It's so long it trails the whole stage as music starts)
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be buried underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling stories and movies insist —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS
He's got 'em on the list — he's got 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed.
BIG CHEESE:
There's the horrid singing managers, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist — I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat tuna fish and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiots who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
Those horrid Pizza Cats, and every country but his own;
And the disgusting chatterboxes who question 'who, what, where and why,
And gilrs who "don't think they dance, but would rather like to try";
And those anomalities themselves, the Pizza Cats males I insist —
I don't think they'd be missed — I'm sure they'd not he missed!
CHORUS
He's got them on the list — he's got them on the list;
And I don't think they'll be missed — I'm sure they'll not be missed!
BIG CHEESE( spoken):
JUST the men! We leave Polly alone!
AL DANTE (spoken):
Why?
BIG CCHEESE (spoken):
Cause she's the most beautiful girl in Little Tokyo, THAT'S why! The loviest creature I've ever seen!
AL DANTE:
Oh, boy…
BIG CHEESE (sings):
And that wandering music nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The main square humorist — I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —
They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as — What d'ye call him — Thing'em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind,
And 'St— 'st— 'st— and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed!
CHORUS:
You may put 'em on the list — you may put 'em on the list;
And they'll none of 'em be missed — they'll none of 'em be missed!
[Exeunt CHORUS
BIG CHEESE:
I LOVE being me!!!
JERRY ATRIC (whispering to AL DANTE):
At least one of us does!
BIG CHEESE (suddenly angry)
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
JERRY ATRIC (quickly):
Oh, nothing Sir! Nothing at all!!!
BIG CHEESE (calming down):
You both are lucky I'm I n a good mood today! Now, go, do as I say! By one hour everyone in Little Tokyo is gathered in the Main Square for the ceremony and make sure EVERYONE is there!! (BIG CHEESE exits)
AL DANTE:
Somehow, I don't like that sound of this! (AL DANTE and JERRY ATRIC exit)