Well, where to start. I, Rachel Berry, call Quinn Fabray each night before bed. Well actually, let me rephrase that. I say goodnight to Quinn Fabray every night. The correction is because sometimes I end up settling for just texting her.
The goodnight is so that she knows each and every night that someone out there cares. And is there for her and listening. This is also why I tell her at least once a week that I leave my phone on for calls even through the middle of the night. She's remembered it once, so I keep that in place in case she ever needs me.
Despite what has happened in our past Quinn and I have gotten close in the last year. It is now December in our senior year and I couldn't be happier.
Scratch that...Well... I mean I could actually... Be happier...
You see, I have this tendency to overthink some things. Okay, so not just some things, everything. And when it comes to Quinn. It really is everything. What her text responses are, whether they contain a smiley, or the way she doesn't say I love you back sometimes, but othertimes that she loves me more than anything.
Okay that's not what i'm talking about right now though. I guess over analyzing isn't the problem as much as my... Well my need for her is. Maybe I over analyze that...
I need to talk to her everyday. And i know what you think, it's not just a want, it's a need. I need to talk to her for longer than the 30 seconds we can in school and see her more than that and the hour in glee that we are too busy to talk during.
This is why I call. This is why I text. This is why the goodbye is necessary.
It's also why I try to hang out with her at least once a week. Either at her house or mine, watching tv, doing homework, or just sitting talking, she keeps me calm. It is the best part of my week. No matter what's on my mind it either disappears or she helps me with it.
When we're talking or watching tv, I always want to scoot up close to her. I like contact, early in life I discovered I was always the calmest when I am holding someone or someone is holding me. She knows this and when we sit down and we're close she leans into me, allowing my arm to encircle her. That or she sits really close, and just grabs my hand, knowing even that contact is enough.
My problem is that now that it is getting closer to the end of the semester and holiday season she is constantly busy. Not to say that I have no life, but my life consists of things I do at home, besides glee and a short weekly afterschool meeting with a club, that can be rescheduled or pushed aside.
If I was planning on practicing my scales at 7:00 and Quinn called asking if I wanted to go over to her house or she wanted to come over to my house, the scales would not even be in my mind anymore. She makes everything else disappear with one text or call. I would ask my dads quickly, they'd say yes, and i'd drive over.
With her though... It's not that she isn't willing to do stuff with me or for me, but that she has other things do to with her church, cheerios and dance classes. I know her whole schedule almost every week and I try so hard to work around it to find a day that works for her and I both.
It used to be so easy. Sunday nights she had nothing going on, or Monday i would be able to go over right after school. But now... It's not that she is "busy" at those times, but that they are her only time not doing homework to relax.
The way I see it, I want to just be with her. No matter if it's just to sit with her afterschool for an hour or spend my sunday night helping with her homework.
The way she seems to see it is that if I really want to, fine, but otherwise there will be better days soon. Or that she is too exhausted. Or has a headache. Or it was a bad day. And believe me, I know that these are not excuses. I know that she is not ignoring me. And I know that she cares about me.
I just wish she would understand how I feel about it all. I wish she knew that when she says she's exhausted that all I want to do is go over and get into her bed with her and have her fall asleep with her head on my shoulder as I rub circles on her arm. I wish she knew that when she says she has a headache I want to do the same, only have her lay her head on my stomach so i can massage her head, like we did last time she was over and got a migraine.
Most of all, I wish that when she says she had a bad day, that she knew that all I want to do is make it better. Or help her, comfort her, hold her. Something.
I just wish she knew that after saying any of these things I worry. I worry even when she hasn't said it, but that's what she means. I think about her until I know she is alright, or will be. I think about her constantly because I don't know what is going on and i want to so bad.
But that's the problem isn't it. That I want to know things and be with her, but she is too busy and I want too much.
Is it too much? To want to see your best friend at least once in a week or two week period for longer than 5 minutes. To hear their voice for longer than 15.
Right now I feel like utter and complete crap. My heart is racing like i have anxiety, my stomach feels like i am about to be sick and my thoughts are racing faster than my heart.
This has been happening at night, when I realize yet another day has passed without having Faberry times(Yeah I have a name for it). It physically hurts because I have things to tell her and I want to be calm in a way that only she can bring out when we are cuddled together. And. I just can't. The things are piling up and so is my stress level. Thank God I get to still see her long enough for a hug at school or i'd explode.
I still text her nightly, but without having seen her in the two weeks it has been, texting just isn't enough. The usual "hey, hi, sup" doesn't work for me when all I want her to do is as me to go over. Or tell me that she is kidnapping me again like she did this summer when she didn't want to hang at home anymore so we went to the forest preserve. And when she doesn't ask, and she doesn't say she misses me as I have a few times, it hurts. Not because she doesn't miss me, because I know she does. But it hurts because even though she misses me, she doesn't miss me as much as I miss her. She doesn't want or need me to the extent that i do her.
It makes me feel stupid. For feeling so much for someone who, I know loves and cares about me, but for me not thinking thats enough. I need to be okay with not seeing her, but i'm not. And i won't be anytime soon.
I feel stupid and like i'm in too deep a hole that I dug myself because I can't handle it, but don't know how to or want to get out and it's my fault..
Rachel, you're not stupid and nothing to be faulted...
Please Miss. Pillsbury, i'm not finished.
Actually Rachel, for now, unless you wish to stay through your Glee rehearsal and not hear my comments, you are done. You've established that you say goodnight to Quinn because you care for her, perhaps too deeply in your eyes, and you just wish for her to understand how you feel and how you believe it is your fault you are in this predicament and here talking to me.
Well in fewer words, yes, that is correct... What do you think Miss. Pillsbury? Am I wrong in what I feel? What can I do?
So guys, go ahead and play the role of Miss. Pillsbury. Let's see if this gets you guys interested. I'll post the best advice at the top of my next entry. I can't promise when that will be, but I can promise that it is already started and will be posted in time. Also, "Only Quinn Fabray" is finished and I have an idea for "She Would Be Mine" ending that isn't ready to be written yet;) review and comment please, I know this is kinda different than my others.