I Already Knew
Chapter 3, 'Leaving' Scene, Rewrite.
Note: Before you read this, remember that in this version Bella always knew Edward would leave her one day, that it was only a matter of time.
"Come for a walk with me," he suggested in a voice seemingly void of anything as he took my hand. I didn't walk with him so he ended up dragging me behind him.
" Wait, Edward. We need to talk. I feel like you don't-"
"Calm down, Bella," he interrupted in a serious, yet still detached voice, "I'll explain everything in a moment. Let's walk."
He pulled me by the hand to the east side of the yard, where the forest just began to encroach. I trailed along, torn. Part of me wanted to stop him, demand that he explain it all now. The other part wanted to run. I just wanted to escape my thoughts. Somehow I already knew what he was going to say. I knew what was going to happen. After all that happened in the last few days, it seemed logical, possible even. The panic choked me.
We were barely concealed in the edge of the forest when he stopped. The house was clearly visible. This was turning out to be one fantastic walk.
As he leaned against a tall spruce, he looked down and said nothing. The panic that choked me before, was now strangling me. It was nearly painful.
"Alright, let's talk." I didn't know where those words had come from, they had just appeared.
"Bella, we're leaving." He stared at me with cold, unfriendly eyes. It didn't hurt so much now after all it was the same looked he thrashed out for the last three days.
It was right then that I knew what was happening; I was right and the end would come soon. With him standing before me with remote, detached eyes, it seemed that much more possible.
"Why?" It was a simple question, yet, though it should have hurt me terribly it was easier to ask now that I finally understood.
He took a deep breath, and held it for several minutes. He finally exhaled in a sigh. He looked at the ground again; I wasn't sure why he was prolonging this torture, couldn't he have just told me and then been done with it?
"It's time. Did you really think we could stay in Forks much longer? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now."
A startling, sharp pain seemed to stab at my heart. I realized the pain splitting me in two, was a pain of agony, defeat, and expectancy. I knew this day would come. I had always known that, but this day had come much too late.
"So, when you say we-" I asked, picking carefully at my words.
"I mean my family and myself," he said, cutting me off.
Sadly I nodded my head. I'd known… I'd known since I first had met him that one day he'd come and tell me this; it almost seemed to lessen the blow.
I stood silent for a moment; trying find something to say to him. Edward waited, patient, but expressionless.
As I stared at his cold, unemotional face, I realized I had honestly expected this. This time it embraced me. He told me he was leaving, and I felt a sense of…tragic loss? No, I laughed at that idea. Confirmation... Yes. I expected this. I knew it was coming. I'd never tried to deny it. Yet, I always knew that it was pure fiction, our love. It was something too unbelievable to be true. How could someone like him, ever want someone like me?
I felt it coming. I knew what he was trying to tell me. He swore his love to me so many times. How could he be such a good liar?
"Fine," I said, surprised at how calm I sounded. 'I'll come with you.' But those were only the words I had wanted to speak. What I actually said sounded something like "I understand."
He seemed almost nervous; he surely hadn't expected me to take this so calmly. I decided to let him be, if he wanted to talk he would, though I had a strange sense that I would regret it if he did.
"I love you, Edward." I whispered the words with truth ringing through my voice. All I needed was to know he knew the truth.
"I'm not good for you, Bella." He continued to look down. He had not looked at my face since we began talking.
"Don't be ridiculous, if anything, I'm not good for you!" I started to yell.
"Bella…I don't want you."
I gasped, and he finally looked up. When I looked into his eyes, it made everything even more true. They were cold, colder than they had ever been; unloving, to say the least. There was not a single trace of any emotion anywhere on his face.
I tried to think through the words, to find another meaning, but I knew I'd come up empty handed. I would have to let him go.
"You don't want me?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"No." He stared back at me; his eyes were deep gold, frozen and cold. I felt like I could see into them for miles, but nowhere in their bottomless depths could I find a contradiction to the word he'd spoken.
A voice in the back of my mind told me not to care, that it would only hurt me later
"Don't you love me anymore?" I questioned as I wondered why I was asking questions I already knew the answers to. Of course he didn't love, when had he?
"Bella, what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I'm not human." As I stared at his perfect, icy face, I knew he was right. He was not human and I wasn't perfect. We weren't meant for each other, it was like Romeo and Juliet, we were star-crossed lovers. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."
I was more content than I was earlier. I allowed myself to get angry before because I knew it would temporarily drown out the pain but now I didn't need to be angry because there was no pain. For one brief second, I wanted to hurt him as much as he had hurting me.
"No. Don't be sorry. I don't want to hear it. You never answered my question, though. Do you love me?" It took almost no effort to bring my voice to the same indifferent, cold tone, which Edward had sported for these last three days. I no longer cared; I was indifferent toward this situation. I had told myself last year this would happen, I was more prepared than he thought.
"Bella, please don't make me-" He said this in an almost annoyed tone, it made me enraged.
"Yes or no? Just answer." I was getting agitated by the second. I only wanted to know so I could move on.
"No. I do not." He looked down as he said this, almost as if he had to control his expression. I doubted that, though. What would he need to control? What was I to him?
"I will make you a promise, Isabella Swan. I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if you and I never existed."
I looked up at his glorious face, and laughed outright at his ridiculous promise. The sound that escaped my lips was much more a sound of indifference than one that seemed to care, and he seemed to understand that I did not take his promise seriously; or at least was not confident in his ability to keep it.
He looked at my agonized expression with fierce confusion, almost anger.
"Explain yourself," he said, sounding nearly appalled.
I stared at his confused expression, with sad eyes. I wasn't sad for myself, but for him instead; after all vampires forget less quickly than humans do.
"Don't misunderstand; I have no doubt that you'll be able to stay away. But do you honestly believe that I couldn't forget us on my own? I hope that you do not think so poorly of me." The words came out in a hushed, yet calm whisper.
He didn't respond. Neither of us spoke or moved. Finally, Edward broke the silence with a question.
"I'd like to ask a favor, if it's not too much," he said in a serene, tranquil voice.
"Depends," I said, slightly confused. What would he want from me?
"Don't do anything reckless or stupid; do you understand what I'm saying?" He spoke so intensely, it shattered my concentration. It sounded almost like he….No, he told me he didn't. I could never doubt him.
A hint of my previous anger flared inside me. "How do you expect me to keep such a promise?"
"Bella, please, for Charlie." The distance returned.
The sound of Charlie's name struck a chord. The anger died down again. "Fine."
"Honestly," he pried; as if doubting my words.
"I will," I whispered; I tried to sound genuine. In the back of my mind, I was already thinking of possible ways to betray my own words.
He seemed to relax a little.
"Alright, that's all. We won't bother you again."
His eyes were still remote and distant, and had been for three days. I suddenly realized that the Edward I though I knew had left already. Three days ago.
"Goodbye, Bella." He was calm, peaceful. He looked as if he just had a great weight lifted from his chest.
I closed my eyes and smiled. There was a light, unnatural breeze that seemed to move with my calm thoughts. I slowly walked home as I realized things would be different now.
On the last step before the landing, I tripped over uneven carpet. I glanced down and saw a nail sticking out of the stair. I was too numb to care. As I stood, I felt a shearing pain in my left wrist. I looked down, and sure enough, there was a clean slice across my forearm. I didn't concentrate on the blood. The only thing I could think of was the pain. I could feel again. The numbness was gone. It was almost as if I…enjoyed the pain.
At that precise moment, I knew there was one way to erase the numbness, and feel again. But my idea went strictly against what I promised…him…in the forest.
He'll never know, I thought to myself, anything to love again.