Written by Ryuu

AN: During a Shakespeare class I took in high school, the teacher gave us a list of assignment choices. These were usually topic choices for papers, but after we read The Taming of the Shrew one of the choices was to write a sequel or an alternate ending. So I did. And then I asked permission to do that for the next play, and by the end of the year the teacher included that specifically in the assignments so that I would do it again. Tons of fun! I gave our (very small) class dramatic readings, too, which they seemed to find quite amusing. Anyhoo, here's the first one.

Before you go on, I would just like to point out that I wrote Shakespeare fanfiction. Yeeeeeeah *dons sunglasses*

And you, dear reader, are reading Shakespeare fanfiction! *hands you sunglasses* Go on, put them on. Now you have to say it: "Yeeeeeeah"

White Widow

"The Taming of the Shrew", Act 5 Scene 3

Enter Katherina

KATHERINA: My sister Bianca and the Widow are growing more and more discontent with their husbands. It seems to be more than the natural irritation of a wife, for when they look upon Lucentio and Hortensio an expression comes upon their faces as though they would devour the two men. But here they come now! I shall hide myself inside this conveniently placed and empty barrel, and so hear their counsel!

Enter Bianca and the Widow

BIANCA: Lucentio does insist that I prepare our supper every night. We have servants for that! But no, he says he loves my cooking better than any he has ever tasted! So I'm forced to work every evening, like a slave! This is too much for my patience to endure. I think that I am going to hasten my plan, and just poison his stupid supper tonight!

WIDOW: A good plan. Hortensio seems to think that just because I married him we should spend time together. This takes time from my other activities. I have better things to do than to speak with such a Neanderthal.

BIANCA: Neanderthal! an appropriate word. You do so have a way with words.

WIDOW: Thank you, my dear. But it gets worse. Hortensio seems to have certain admiration for Petruchio's ways with Katherina, and he grows in his obstinacy every day.

KATHERINA: [aside] And now the conversation turns toward my own husband. I think I may have the beginnings of an idea…

BIANCA: So it goes with my own Lucentio. He has flatly refused to allow me around other men; he says I flirt with everyone, and he swears he will keep me under control. That [bleep] Petruchio! It is his fault that our husbands take such a firm hand with us.

KATHERINA: [aside] I didn't know Bianca even knew that word.

WIDOW: I believe that we should invite Petruchio to join our own husbands in their sleep of death.

KATHERINA: [aside] So it was not in jest that Bianca spoke of poison! The plot thickens. I must now put my young idea into action. [coming forward] Good sister, good Widow, I could not help but hear your talk from within my convenient barrel.

BIANCA: Convenient barrel?

WIDOW: You were inside a barrel?

KATHERINA: And I agree with you entirely. All three husbands must be dispatched, but Petruchio especially.

WIDOW: Why on earth should we trust you if you were hiding inside a barrel?

BIANCA: Your womanly spirit has been crushed by Petruchio. Surely you can no longer desire anything aside from your husband's will.

KATHERINA: My, eh, womanly spirit was but dormant until your talk, sweet honey to my ears, woke it. Now it is roused once again. Allow me to remind you of all that Petruchio has done to me: he humiliated me at our wedding, did not allow me to eat or sleep, beat servants before me, and nearly didn't allow me to come to your wedding, good sister. Then he showed me off like a prize racing dog, making bets on my performance! How could I love him? How can I not hate him?

WIDOW: [aside to Bianca] I am convinced. Her logic is sound. And surely if her spirit was as tough as you described to me, it could not be killed, only buried.

BIANCA: [to the Widow] Indeed, dear Widow, I was doubtful, until I heard you say that you believed her, for your wisdom is great. [to Katherina] We trust you, my sister. I shall forgive you for beating me so often, and we shall incorporate you into our plans. You shall go to Hortensio, Lucentio, and Petruchio, and bring them to this spot exactly five hours from now. Mark the clock; it is now thirty minutes past noon. The Widow and I shall gather our things and prepare our husbands' deaths here. You shall but stop underneath that archway, and you shall not be harmed.

KATHERINA: Thank you for allowing me to contribute to this honourable deed. I shall not fail you.

WIDOW: Good. Come, lovely Bianca, let us gather the necessaries for this action.

[Bianca and the Widow exit]

KATHERINA: I shall warn Petruchio and the others of this plan, and then I shall take myself to Bianca and the Widow's rooms to search for some fact that can be used against them.

[She exits]

[Bianca and the Widow enter]

WIDOW: Come, Bianca, let us set the traps in such a way so that we may appear innocent of their deaths, for such is the art of dispatching husbands in which I am well practiced.

BIANCA: I shall follow your lead. However, are you sure that Katherina will not reveal our secret?

WIDOW: I thought that you were convinced of her resolve.

BIANCA: I still do not trust her. Besides, I have a score to settle with her.

WIDOW: Very well, we shall dispatch her as well.

[They begin preparing booby traps]

WIDOW: Hold, Bianca! I hear someone approaching!

[Hortensio, Lucentio, Petruchio, and Katherina enter]

BIANCA: [aside to the Widow] Wherefore has Katherina brought them so early? Has she betrayed us?

WIDOW: [to Bianca] I think not. She is just over eager. We have already prepared drinks, as Plan B. [to Hortensio] My sweet husband! Come, drink some wine.

HORTENSIO: I apologize my dear, but my stomach is feeling delicate at the moment. I'd better not.

BIANCA: Will you drink, Lucentio my love?

LUCENTIO: I am sorry Bianca, but I have come here on other business.

BIANCA: But drink while you speak! What business have you come here for?

PETRUCHIO: To unmask you, villainess! [he points to the Widow]

WIDOW: How dare you! What villainy—villainessy?—are you accusing me of?

PETRUCHIO: You are not just a widow, but a black widow! You murder husbands for sport! My sweet Katherina searched your rooms, and she found there evidence that you helped your first husband's brother murder your husband. You then married the brother, orchestrated his death, and faked your own. Since then you have been roaming Europe, devouring men, for you are Gertrude, former queen of Denmark!

BIANCA: [aside] So Petruchio is into ridiculous conspiracy theories. I would find this fascinating, except that his theory is so infuriatingly accurate.

GERTRUDE: So, I have been found out. Bianca! We must put Plan C into action immediately!

[Bianca and Getrude attack the men with poisoned knives]

HORTENSIO: I shall twist that venomous dagger out of thy hand, villainess!

GERTRUDE: Ow!

LUCENTIO: Oh, Bianca; I weep at your betrayal. [he weeps]

BIANCA: I don't suppose you could let go of me while you're weeping?

LUCENTIO: [still weeping] No.

BIANCA: Then on to Plan D!

GERTRUDE: We don't have a Plan D.

BIANCA: You don't. I do. When no one was looking I filled the convenient barrel with poison gas, and although I have already consumed the antidote, when the barrel explodes in a few seconds and everyone in the building will die, most especially all of you! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

GERTRUDE: No!

HORTENSIO: No!

LUCENTIO: [still weeping] No!

PETRUCHIO: Convenient barrel?

KATHERINA: All correct.

BIANCA: What?

KATHERINA: They said no. They are correct. The convenient barrel was removed several minutes ago and replaced with an inconvenient one.

PETRUCHIO: Hang on, hang on—how did all of this barrel stuff happen without any of us seeing?!

KATHERINA: The convenient barrel shall detonate in a faraway field where the gas shall dissipate and no one will be affected by it.

BIANCA: No!

PETRUCHIO: How would it get there in time?

KATHERINA: Yes. I have been keeping a careful watch on you, sister. Just wait 'till I tell father that his sweet daughter was actually a crime lord—crime lady?—in her free time. You wanted to kill everyone and go live somewhere you wouldn't have to pretend to be sweet.

PETRUCHIO: I'm confused.

[officers enter]

HORTENSIO: Here are the officers to take you two vipers to prison, and thence to be hanged.

BIANCA: [bleep] you, Katherina!

KATHERINA: There's another word I didn't realize she knew.

PETRUCHIO: This honestly makes no sense.

KATHERINA: I'm sorry, Petruchio. Let us watch the proceedings.

PETRUCHIO: Nope, we're going home.

KATHERINA: But—

PETRUCHIO: I suppose I'll cancel tonight's supper—

KATHERINA: Very well, we shall go home!

End