Title: Unfulfilled, Part 1
Author: Hephaistion's Thighs
Rating: Adult, NC-17
Pairing: Searle/Capa, Mace/Capa
Warnings: Mutual masturbation, voyeurism, jealousy, sex, angst
Reviews: Will be loved. 3
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Part 1
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Dr. Searle was in love with Robert Capa.
That was his own diagnosis. He had considered other conclusions first, but his protectiveness was not merely paternal and his affection was not merely friendly. He felt strong attraction and romantic love for Capa. He had analyzed his own thoughts and also come to the conclusion that this was real love, not the illusion of love brought on by the loneliness of the mission or by Capa's physical beauty alone. He cared for Capa deeply.
He had many reasons for not acting on his love. A few of these were more personal, like the fact that he was ten years or so older than Capa, but if there had only been these factors standing in the way, he may still have attempted to pursue a relationship with him. The real reasons concerned the mission.
Capa didn't need any distractions or any additional pressures or expectations. Searle needed to support him as a friend and colleague, it would only make things complicated and difficult if he tried to be his lover. That kind of emotional relationship could put the mission in jeopardy. If Searle had a romantic or sexual relationship with Capa, he would have had to pull himself from the mission. He had been aware of his feelings with enough time to spare before the mission had launched to evaluate himself and to be evaluated by the larger set of Project Icarus shrinks in order to make sure just being attracted to Capa wasn't too much of a risk. It had been determined a replacement would not be necessary, but it was very clear to Searle that he would have to be content with loving Capa from afar.
He thought wistfully that maybe someday, when the Icarus mission was finished, he might ask Capa out on a date. By then, though, they'd probably be so used to their platonic relationship that anything more would be impossible and potentially awkward. He also harbored the thought that it wouldn't be right for Capa to save the world and then settle down with an older man. Capa deserved better than that.
So Searle was Capa's friend, and didn't allow himself to hope for anything more.
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Searle knew when Capa expanded his pool of chess opponents to include Mace. He was very pleased with the occurrence; Mace and Capa hadn't had any overt altercations, but there was sometimes an irritable tension between them. If they were willingly socializing, it could only be an improvement.
Searle was interested to learn that Mace hadn't even known how to play chess before, and he was letting Capa teach him. Capa told Searle that as arrogant as Mace could be, he'd actually witnessed the man doubting his intellectual ability to master the game. Searle observed many of their games and noted that while Mace never won - it was almost impossible to win against Capa - the time it took for Capa to beat him was lengthening. Playing with Mace seemed to make Capa happy and lessen the animosity between them.
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Searle was pretty sure he could nail down the week in which Capa and Mace began jerking off together. He didn't know that's what they were doing at first, but he knew they were up to something. They'd go into one of their rooms or the other, and then one or both of them would leave after fifteen minutes or so. Searle was aware of this because part of his duties included people-watching over the ship's video cameras. He watched all of the crew and maintained awareness of all of their well-being, but he had to admit he watched Capa a bit more than the others.
He finally found out what exactly Mace and Capa were up when they'd been careless and done it outside the privacy of their rooms. Mace came to the door of the Payload and requested entrance, Capa had let him in, and they'd talked for a while. Then Searle had peered at the video screen as they sort of rutted against each other through their clothing. They were definitely doing what it looked like they were doing, no doubt about it with the looks on their faces. This rubbing had only lasted a short time, then they'd sat apart and jerked off in synch.
They didn't touch each other, just watched each other. Searle watched with fascination. This was the sort of thing adolescent boys did together. Mace and Capa could be doing an adult version of the same exploratory ritual, or they could be just letting off tension. It was bizarre, and Searle didn't know what to make of it.
He wasn't happy about it.
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"How are you getting along with Mace?"
"Fine," Capa said.
"No fights or anything?"
"No," Capa shook his head. "I think we're past that."
"'Past that'?" Searle inquired.
Capa blinked. He didn't know what Searle was trying to get at, he'd only meant he and Mace hadn't been arguing lately. "Yeah, I think he's gotten used to me."
"Would you say things between you have cooled down or warmed up?"
"I... don't know. It's just a nice change." But when he thought about it, he knew the change had been a warming up from the snapping cold that had existed in his working relationship with Mace. Capa preferred the warmth.
Searle didn't bring up what he'd seen them doing.
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He took some time to evaluate this new aspect of Capa and Mace's interactions, and decided that he didn't need to do anything about it. The two were relieving stress in a non-destructive, social way. He didn't sense a potentially hazardous level of intimacy between them - there had been no kissing or indications of romance.
Danger didn't come from simple crushes on board. Plenty of the crew had crushes on each other: Cassie on Capa, Trey on both Cassie and Corazon, even Harvey on Kaneda. This was just a form of affection, it didn't compromise the mission. Deeper forms of affection like love and sex were what could compromise the mission.
For example, if Searle had allowed his love for Capa to develop into a real relationship, he might not be willing to let Capa sacrifice his life for the mission. All of their lives were expendable, and there were potential circumstances where sacrifice would be necessary. They were saving the Earth, individuals didn't matter. Part of the requisites for being a member of the crew was a willingness to lay down your own life and an understanding that all of the "friends" traveling with you may have to do the same.
Or on a less dramatic note, Searle was the ship's psychologist; if he allowed himself a relationship with Capa, he would be biased about how he treated the crew members. Like he might prescribe Mace some pills that would chemically castrate him right now.
Capa and Mace weren't having a relationship, they weren't really having sex, so Searle didn't need to confront them about it at this point. He'd keep an eye on them though.
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A week after Searle made this decision, he saw that something had changed.
Mace came to the Payload with the chess set under his arm. He set up the pieces while Capa continued the set of tests he was working on. He appeared to wait patiently for a while, then stood and walked over to him. Without any further preamble, he pulled Capa away from the console and kissed him. This was a real kiss, not a gentle test. Even with the limitations of the video image, Searle was pretty sure he could see Mace's tongue push into his Capa's mouth.
And Capa's was hardly fighting back. After a moment his hands clutched in Mace's shirt and he returned the kiss equally. He pressed his hips against Mace's and they both moaned. They went back to the rubbing Searle had witnessed before, but there was definitely a new intensity to it.
How had things escalated this quickly? Searle wanted to put a stop to this right now. Mace was currently holding Capa's hips in place and grinding against him; the dominant posturing and implications for how things would work in penetrative sex were clear. Capa was moaning and clinging to Mace's shoulders; he didn't object to Mace taking control.
Searle was fixated by the look on Capa's face and couldn't bring himself to page one of them to make it stop. He could admit that he wanted to watch, but he was still very worried they were going to knock the chess set off the table and make good on the implications. He felt a swell of protectiveness for Capa in addition to the jealousy. He knew Capa was an adult man, but he couldn't help but feel like Mace was taking advantage of him. Capa couldn't resist pressure from a more sexually assertive man, he was practically a virgin - or maybe that's just how Searle liked to think of him?
They didn't get to sex on the table, though. They undid their pants and continued grinding together without clothing in the way, then jerked each other off, kissing and gasping against each other. Searle watched Capa's hand move on Mace's cock. The stirrings of his own arousal made him very uncomfortable. He couldn't believe Capa was doing this with Mace. Why was he doing it? What was he thinking?
Searle was about to call Capa's name through his communication clacker to make him come in for an unscheduled counseling session, but Capa called out Mace's name and came into the engineer's tool-worn hands. Mace captured the last of the sound in a kiss and thrust into Capa's hand a couple more times before coming as well.
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"Hey Searle."
Searle hadn't ended up calling Capa in for a session until hours later. Capa sat casually across from him, and he looked the same as always.
Searle thought he knew Capa very well. And in the hours he'd spent analyzing, he'd come to realize that he still did. Capa hadn't changed. Capa was a loner, but he still got lonely. That was why he'd once told Searle that he considered him an actual friend, while the other people on the ship were only fellow crew members. Capa needed one friend. And that was why Capa was getting involved with Mace; he was lonely and horny.
"Capa," Searle smiled.
Capa sat quietly under Searle's gaze for a while. He knew he was being studied; it didn't usually make him uncomfortable anymore after being under professional observation for so long. Searle observed that Capa looked more content than usual. The man perpetually stressed over his bomb and the fate of the mission and the Earth, it drove him to distraction with any other activities like socializing and made him have nightmares. Searle concluded that an occasional orgasm wouldn't really be the worst thing for him.
He didn't like it, because he was in love with Capa and didn't want Mace touching him, but this wasn't about himself. It was about Capa.
"Just a check up. Having any problems with anyone on board?" Searle asked.
"Harvey resents my cooking." A small smile curved Capa's lips.
So they talked about how Harvey didn't like Capa's cooking but was being passive-aggressive instead of just saying so. Eventually the conversation wandered back to what Searle was interested in. "Update me on the Mace situation."
"There is no situation."
Searle watched Capa in that way psychologists master that forces people to keep talking.
"I would tell you if we were fighting. We're getting along."
"Why are you getting along?"
"There needs to be a reason for crew members to function?"
"You and Mace used to function less efficiently."
Capa's eyes narrowed slightly. They'd gone over this before. Searle had accepted the fact that things had simply worked out. Searle waited, and Capa waited longer.
"Do you like Mace?"
"Like him?" Another pause, and this time Capa was the one to break it. "I like that he talks to me like a human being now."
Searle nodded, "Good."
He was coming up with his next question when Capa asked, "Do you like Mace?"
"Inherently, yes. When he gets bored and irritable, there's less to like, but he's still interesting," Searle answered honestly. He also liked Mace less when the man had his hand down Capa's pants, but that wasn't rational. It should make him like Mace better; Capa gave Mace something to do, Mace was less grouchy.
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Searle knew exactly when Capa and Mace began sleeping with each other. He was watching their activities closely, and he had the night shift when Mace crept out of his room and into Capa's room. He stared at Capa's closed door on the video monitor as if he could deduce how exactly things were happening behind it.
Searle should have put an end to this sooner. Mace and Capa shouldn't be having sex. Or Searle should have made his move, because it shouldn't be Mace having sex with Capa.
He saw Mace leave Capa's room again only shortly before the rest of the crew was supposed to wake up for the day.
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He observed this behavior twice more before bringing it to the attention of the captain. Crew members sleeping together was serious, it wasn't his decision alone about how to handle it anymore.
"Capa and Mace have begun spending nights together," Searle informed him.
Kaneda paused. "And?" This wasn't a dismissive comment, he wanted to know more about the situation.
"They have been engaging in some sexual behavior for a while now and I didn't believe it was serious enough to warrant reporting, but in the last eight days Mace has spent the entire night in Capa's quarters three times." It made Searle uncomfortable to report it like this, but it was his duty. He also wanted to know what Kaneda thought. "I haven't come to a conclusion about their mental statuses in relation to these events, but I wanted to report them due to the potential for emotional compromise."
"You were right to do so." Kaneda seemed to be considering. "Do you think they're in love?"
"It's hard to say."
"Get them both in for evaluation, separately."
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Mace first. Searle brought him in and didn't tell him right away what he wanted to talk to him about.
"How are you, Mace?"
Mace shrugged.
Searle pretended to make a note, something he knew would make Mace uncomfortable. If he let Mace relax during sessions, the man was likely to just sit there and never tell him anything at all. He responded better when he was worked up. Searle let him stew for a while.
"I think I made a mistake," Mace said finally. Searle gave him a lot of credit for this admission. The crew weren't supposed to make mistakes; a mistake could cost the life of the planet.
Mace alternated between looking at a spot on the floor and occasionally flicking his eyes to the camera recording him. He knew the captain was watching.
"What was the mistake?"
"I slept with one of the crew."
Searle just watched Mace squirm under his gaze for a moment. "You slept with Capa."
Mace's eyes widened and went to Searle's face. "You knew?" He seemed worried instead of angry, which was usually his default attitude whenever he felt threatened. Threatened or much of any emotion at all, really.
"It's what we're here to talk about."
Silence spanned between them again.
"I think I love him," Mace said quietly.
Now this did surprise him. He hadn't expected Mace would have emotional complications from having sex with Capa, not with Mace's usual underdeveloped emotional responses, and he certainly hadn't expected love. He quickly deduced that it was correct of Mace to say he thought he loved Capa - Searle wasn't convinced Mace was even capable of loving Capa.
"Why was sleeping with him a mistake?"
"It has to be! We aren't supposed to be doing this!"
"Is it only regulations that make you think it was a mistake?"
Mace looked at him like his military brain couldn't comprehend why regulations wouldn't be the end-all of reasoning.
"Why did you sleep with Capa?"
Mace shifted uncomfortably. "Jesus, Searle. The same reasons people ever sleep with each other."
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"Why did you get involved with Mace?"
Capa looked as awkward as Mace had, maybe even more so. He was embarrassed Searle knew what he'd done. "I was lonely."
Searle's theory had been correct then, accurate to the word itself. "Why do you think Mace got involved with you?"
"He was lonely too, I guess." He pursed his lips for a moment as he thought. "Or maybe lonely's not the word. We both needed something."
"What did Mace need from you?"
Capa's gaze stayed on the wall before flicking to Searle. Sex. "Connection."
Searle wanted to tell Capa that Mace was just using him, even if that might not have been true. And wasn't Capa just using Mace, anyway? "Are you getting what you need from Mace?"
"I think so." He was watching Searle to see how his friend would judge him.
"Do you love him?"
Capa was surprised by this question. "I don't know... No. How could I love him, we've only been speaking civilly to each other for the last few months?"
"Love doesn't have to be logical."
Capa just stared at him.
"It's possible that if you invested yourself in relationships with the rest of the crew, you wouldn't have to invest so much in Mace," Searle said after a while. What he really meant was, Mace isn't your only option.
Capa wasn't very interested in deepening relationships with the rest of the crew. "What do you think I should do about it, Searle?"
"That's not up to me. I'll make a report to the Captain, and he'll issue orders. Whatever he thinks is best, you'll follow."
"Of course."
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Searle was forced to report that Capa was making a positive human connection, and while Mace might be investing more emotions than was ideal, he was personally and interpersonally moving in a positive direction, unlike the rest of the journey in which Mace's mood had slowly been trending downward.
Kaneda told Mace and Capa that what they did in their bedrooms was their own business, but they were reminded to keep the mission as the only priority in their minds.