(Comical fan fic: OUAT. Flora, Fauna and Meriweather from Sleeping Beauty end up in Storybrooke in time for Emma to have a showdown with Maleficent. They have decided they must step in and be Emma's fairy godmothers. First thing of course, is for the Savior and her "prince" to look the part appropriately.)
Flora: (looking over Emma's jeans, t-shirt and leather jacket ensemble.) "Oh dear, you see child this will just never do."
Fauna :( cheerfully) "A princess must look the part of course!"
Meriweather :( fussily)"After all, what kind of fairy godmothers would we be, to let you traipse about looking so...so mannish."
Emma: (clearly confused)"Ummm...what?" (Looks down at herself)
Fauna: (soothingly) "Don't you worry your pretty little head my dear. We simply have centuries of experience in these matters."
Hook: (holding his hook up to cover his mouth so she won't see the gleeful grin trying to plaster itself on his face): "Oh come on, Swan. Give it a go! They are, after all, your fairy godmothers."
Emma shoots him a murderous glare.
Flora: "Now. I think something in a lovely shade of pink will do."
She waves her magic wand with a flourish and Emma becomes swathed in a long frilly pink gown, complete with a large bow on her back at the waistline and tons of petticoats.
Emma: (looking down in consternation) "What? Wait a second, just how am I supposed to walk in this, let alone fight Maleficent!"
Fauna: (tsking) "Oh no no. The color is all wrong for her. She is after all the Swan princess. A lovely shade of white, I think, accented with some feathers. And pearls!"
Another wave of the wand, and the dress changes into a sleeker white dress, with a long train of white feathered material bedecked with pearls that weigh a ton flowing out behind her. Emma staggers backwards against the sudden weight, then looks down in dismay at the ridiculously high heeled slippers of white glass on her feet.
Emma: "Really? You have got to be kidding me. Who was the genius that thought shoes made of glass was a good idea?"
Hook (leaning close to whisper to Fauna.)"Exquisite madam. I compliment your taste. Perhaps the bodice could be just a bit lower. And tighter?"
Emma :( glowering at him)"You're a dead man walking pirate."
Hook: (grinning widely)"Just trying to be helpful, love."
Meriweather :( tapping her wand against her chin thoughtfully) "I don't know. Perhaps she does have a point."
Emma: "Thank you! Someone with sense. Like, where am I supposed to carry my gun in this thing?"
Meriweather: "Glass slippers are rather impractical for a battle, my dears."
She waves her wand and the shoes turn into white heels made of some supple animal hide. But covered in sparkly gems and diamonds. A ray of sunshine hits them as Emma attempts to see her feet and becomes momentarily blinded.
Emma: "Agggggghhhh!" (Rubbing at her eyes)
Flora: (scowling at Meriweather)" No, no. She is the Swan princess, not Paris Hilton."
Another wave of the wand and the shoes disappear, the sudden disappearance of the high heels causing Emma to fall backwards onto her ass on the overdone train of her dress.
Emma" UGGHH" (rubs at her backside with a free hand)
Hook: (offering his hook to her and helping her to her feet) "Are you okay love? Here, let me help."
He reaches his free hand for her backside but stops when she glares at him again.
Emma: "Don't. even. think. about. it."
Hook: (shrugging with a sheepish grin)"Umm..too late?"
The three fairies have been huddled together, whispering and casting glances back at them.
Emma:" Look, I appreciate you three trying to be helpful and all, but realistically? I need something that will help me fight Maleficent and not get killed in the process. Like, you know, armor?"
The three fairies look flummoxed, then turn back to their huddle whispering and gesturing. One of them waves a wand and a book appears floating in midair between them. There is a sound of ruffling pages followed by a trio of "Ah ha's"
Flora: "Right. Armor for a princess going into battle."
Fauna: (fluttering her hands in delight) "And you are going to look so beautiful!"
Meriweather: "Just the thing for battling the Evil Fairy!"
Another wave of a wand, then silence. Emma feels the dress disappear. Then she feels a breeze.
Emma: (looking down at herself)" EEEEKKK!"
She tries to cover what is exposed with her arms, sputtering in embarrassed rage.
Emma: "I said ARMOR! This...this looks like something out of one of those wretched b-rated fantasy movies!"
Hook: (stunned into uncharacteristic silence) "Wow."
Meriweather :( looking offended)"Well, this is what is in the book! Show her, Flora."
Flora produces the book and opens it to a page where different sketches are drawn of figures like Red Sonja, Xenia, and the Amazon Queen from the Hercules myth are represented.
Emma: "That's...that's fantasy."
Hook :( to himself) "It's definitely my fantasy."
Emma: "This doesn't even cover. Well, much! I can't fight an evil fairy with everything hanging out like this! What kind of protection would any of this actually provide! I might as well fight her naked!"
Hook remains silent, enjoying the mental images. Emma, Maleficent, a large pool of mud...
Flora :( clucking impatiently)"Well, this isn't the sort of thing princesses usually do you know. Princesses get captured by the evil fairy and must be saved by their prince and true love."
Fauna (nervously): "We do so want to be of help, it's just that...well, this modern world and the new way of thinking, it's just all so new to us."
Emma: (trying to take a deep breath in the low cut chain mail bikini top without falling out of it)"Look, it's okay. Really. Just...try and think of what you would want to wear if you had to go and fight against Maleficent. Who just happens to be able to turn into a dragon?"
Meriweather :( snorting) "Well, I for one wouldn't be foolish enough to fight her."
Flora: "Oh hush."
Fauna :( standing nearby in thoughtful repose, suddenly brightens with an idea): "I know! There was that one girl once, in France I believe it was."
Emma: (relieved.)"Joan of Arc? Yes, much, much better."
Fauna: "Mind you, dear. Her ensemble wasn't one of our creations. We simply haven't done this before."
Emma: "That's okay. I'll take it. Do you mind, it's getting a bit chilly."
Hook: "Wait, before you do that. I don't suppose we could keep these other outfits, could we?"
Emma rolls her eyes. Flora looks confused.
Flora: "Why, whatever for dear?"
Hook: (glancing at the three matronly women and their innocent curiosity.)" Oh, you know. Masquerade balls? That sort of thing?"
Fauna: (looking delighted) "Do they still do those here in the new realm? I do so love creating masquerade ball gowns! There's just so much room to express one's creativity!"
The three fairies titter happily together for a moment. Emma shivers.
Flora: "Well of course you can!"
Fauna :( tittering girlishly) "After all, how could we say no to those pretty blue eyes?"
Emma groans.
Hook bows to the fairy with a wink. "Why thank you most gracious and lovely fairy godmothers."
Emma: "Hello? It's forty degrees out here and I'm standing around in chain mail underwear! Can we make with the magic now before I freeze my ass off?"
Flora: (scolding)"Language dear. A princess should not use such coarse words."
Meriweather: "Oh yes, sorry dear. Here we go."
She waves her wand and Emma finds herself wearing a quite shiny suit of fitted armor, complete with a shield and a longsword. Then she feels something cold on her brow, and reaches up to find a cute little tiara perched there.
Fauna: "Well, we just had to add a feminine touch. You are after all a princess of royal blood!"
Emma flexes her arms and legs experimentally, pleased with the freedom of movement the enchanted armor provides. Thinking to herself, 'this stupid tiara is the first thing to go. Unless I can figure out a way to use it as a weapon.'
Emma: "This will work, thanks fairy godmothers! Now, let's go kick some fairy as...butt." she finished with a quick glance at Flora.
She and Hook started to walk off but were stopped by a trio of fluttering pink, green and blue wings and wands.
Meriweather: "Well, you can't go just yet!"
Hook and Emma exchanged a confused look, then turned to the trio of fairies fluttering anxiously about.
Emma: "Why not? Sword, armor, shield... handgun. I'm good."
Flora cleared her throat meaningfully and glanced significantly at Hook.
Flora; "Well, we can't just send your prince and true love into battle with you looking like some common ruffian!"
Hook: "Ummm...what?" (Looks down at himself)
Meriweather: "All that leather and dark clothing. Why you look like some kind of pirate or highwayman!" she tsked disapprovingly.
Hook: (clearing his throat) "I hate to disappoint you lovely winged ladies, but a pirate is what I am."
Flora :( leaning closer to her fellow fairies)"Now remember dears, he was much too young to remember any of that unfortunate affair."
Meriweather: (sighing in apparent disgust)" Yes, it was a complete cock up."
Fauna: (seeing the flummoxed look on Hook's face)" Oh don't you worry that pretty little head of yours about it. After all, if you father or brother had reclaimed the throne, you wouldn't have gone to Neverland and you wouldn't have lived long enough to meet your one true love."
Flora:" So you see, dear it all worked out just fine in the end. Despite the poor handling of your story by others whose names we won't mention. After all, it is such bad form to tell tales against one's peers."
Emma: "My...prince?"
The three fairies all nodded soberly, their wands twitching anxiously in their hands. Emma felt a wicked smile growing over her face. She made no attempt to hide it.
Emma: "Oh come on Hook! Give it a go! They are your fairy godmothers too, after all."
Hook shot her a murderous glare, backing away nervously as the three fairies closed in around him.
Emma leaned back against the tree, ready to enjoy the entertainment.
Payback. How sweet life can be.