It seemed like the world going to shit wasn't enough and when I thought everything was going to be ok the one thing left in the world for me to care about was snatched mercilessly by the god I had once believed in but it seemed at that moment he was trying to tell me something I wasn't quite getting. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be or maybe this was just a sign that I was bound to eternally rot in hell with Ed if I didn't rot in the hell of an earth I lived on before God decided to end all of my suffering. Staring up at the black blanket over the sky I peer up at the stars wondering if Sophia was looking down on meat this moment and if she was mad at me for leaving her behind, for not being the mom I should have been, yet I was still surviving down here for…what?
"Carol?" Daryl interrupted my brooding thoughts with his panicked call.
"Hey you," I responded flattening myself even more to the top of the overturned bus hoping that he wouldn't ask me what I had been doing because laughter was all I needed to push me over the cliff of insanity. Climbing up the side of the bus I can't help but compare him to Ed for some reason, he is lean and tough like Ed but in other ways he was completely different from the abusive man I had once called my husband.
"what the hell are you doin' up here, aint you supposed to be on watch?" he prompted aggressively.
"Yes sir," I say sarcastically, sitting up I stare up at him with my sad eyes trying desperately to hide my sadness behind a noticeably fake smile.
"So what were ya doin' up here woman, did you fall asleep or something," He says just as sarcastically as I had been a minute ago. I smile a little more realistically and shake my head at him,
"No I was just thinking is all," I reply indifferently hoping he wouldn't ask me but I doubted he even would care or notice.
"'bout what?" he asked sounding bored.
"It's nothing you'd care about!" I reply a little more sharply than I had meant to, Daryl looked down at me confused by my attitude.
"oh c'mon it aint like I'm gonna tell nobody," he says nudging me with the toe of his combat boot. With a sigh I reply quietly
"I was just wondering if Sophia or even Ed could see me right now," I pause looking out at some lone walkers stumbling around outside of the fence of the prison yard's safety, "and I was just , wondering if maybe they could forgive me for not being a good mom or, wife." Daryl was silent, nervously I look up into Daryl's angry glaring eyes. I gasp unintentionally when he yelled,
"Why the fuck do you think you got to apologies to them or owe them any guilt?! Ed especially, damn it woman why don't you see it wasn't your fault!" I tried to keep my breathing even ignoring the shattering of my heart.
"I wish I was dead, not them, me! They didn't deserve the fate that they got!" I whisper still staring into those angry eyes; I guess he really does hate me.
"That's a stupid wish, what ya want them to come back so Ed can beat the shit out of Sophia is that it?!" He yelled attracting the walkers to the fence hissing and snarling at them. Standing up I brush past Daryl tears streaming down my face. Jumping off the side of the bus I head over towards the walkers gathered outside of the chain linked fence, they hissed and snarled pushing their arms through the fence reaching out for her.
"Carol!" Daryl yells tackling me as a walker's mouth missed my arm by an inch. Sobs shook my whole body as Daryl tried to pull me up. Stubbornly I dig my heels into the ground refusing to get up, hoping that he'd just leave me here. With a grunt of effort he pulls me into his arms as he sits back on the ground. I fight against him getting nowhere with my struggling but breathless and tired. I allow him to wrap his arms around my waist securely and hold me to his chest. With a final sniffle I jump out of his lap walking briskly back towards the prison when he catches my upper arm,
"Carol wait," He starts to say but I spin around smacking him square in the face with a loud crack.
"No you wait, just-just get away from me!" I growl at him. His eyes widen with something new, then as quickly as it had come it was gone, replaced by narrowed eyes directed at me. Ripping my arm from his grip I turn and storm off towards my cell.
Watching her storm off into the safety of the prison only made me even more infuriated at the fact that she always had to feel like everyone else were always her responsibility never caring about herself enough like she should, sighing in defeat I climb back onto the bus staring into the distance trying to preoccupy my mind. Looking down on the ground the full moons light glints off of a metal object lying in the grass next to the fence. Walkers pressed their rotting deformed faces against the chain linked barrier hissing with blood lust as I approach the blade. Out of the corner of my eye something really catches my attention outside f the fence right along the tree line.
"Carol," I mutter unhappily to myself. Sighing yet again I pocket the weapon trying to forget the broken woman that deeply hated me. Heading towards the entrance to the prison fencing.
Frantically I search my belt for the knife that comforted me at night, my fingers slipped through its place grabbing only the thin air replacing the actual one. A nervous gasp escaped my lips as footsteps sounded down the hall towards my cell.
"Anyone home?" Merle called out to me. Lying still I try and act as if I was unconscious,
"Oh c'mon girl don't act as if ya didn't think I heard ya," He called out softly, turning over reluctantly I see him leaning against the entrance of my cell. Sighing heavily hoping he would get the message I whisper sharply,
"Can I help you Merle?" my question was sharp enough to peel away his good guy image momentarily replaced with a dagger glare. Quickly regaining his composure he saunters in with whatever he thinks he has got that "attracts the ladies" as Daryl had once said.
"Oh c'mon now you know that it don't have to be like that it aint like I'm asking you to go steady or nothin'," he purrs, sitting up I can't help giggle at the thought of him and myself, automatically casting the thought aside I laugh even harder at his goofy smirk of confusion and satisfaction spread funnily across his unshaven face. Footsteps sound briskly right outside of my cell,
"Carol?" Daryl calls lowly from behind his still smiling brother.
"See you soon babe," Merle calls over his shoulder headless to the sleeping people. I suppress another smile as Daryl walks in looking angry about something suddenly. Remembering our earlier encounter my smile and laughter seem to evaporate into thin air at the sight of Daryl standing expectantly in front of me now.
"Can I offer you somewhere to sit or maybe an escort to the door?" I ask sarcastically. Raising an eyebrow at me he says
"Ok smart ass, I get your pissed at me but I came ta give ya somethin'," he replied with a smug smile.
"What is it," I try to ask indifferently still trying to act as if I really was mad at him but it was too hard. He notices and grabbing my hand he leads me to his perch he grabs a beer bottle with a flower peeking out of its top. Its white petals seemed to glow in the faint moon light peeking through the barred window high overhead. Tears blurred my vision,
"Daryl, you thank you!" I exclaimed throwing my arms around his neck forgetting about his personal space rule. Regaining my composure I slowly pull away searching his eyes for what I thought would be there but was far from there, no anger just a broken man wanting answers but unsure as to who he had to find the answers. Stretching up to the tips of my toes I brush a light kiss onto his cheek,
"Oh girl looks like my lil' bro is gonna be gettin some tonight!" Merle howled from the bottom of the stairs. Daryl shoved me away pressed the beer bottle into my hand along with the smooth handle of my blade, then spinning me around he literally pushes me down the stairs barely allowing me to regain my balance before abandoning me to go and find his pig of a brother