My beloved Angel.
How can you be here right now.
With me?
How am I so blessed?
After the way I treated you.
Abandoning you.
Alone. Naked.
Never alone.
No I couldn't do that.
I had Abby in the room before I left.
But I shouldn't have left right after making love to you.
I could have left the following day.
I could have had you beside me in bed.
With us in our night gowns.
I could have held you safe in my arms.
Until I knew that I had to leave you.
No. I had to be selfish.
I had to have your body and soul one last time.
I knew that would be the end of us.
Even if I could some how someway
save the situation and win;
I knew that I had lost you.
When I abandoned you.
Even if I didn't leave you naked.
With Abby looking after you.
I knew by not trusting in your love for me;
in not confiding in you;
that I had lost you.
So I was selfish and I took you ounce more.
I wanted to steal your essence before I left you.
How can you be here with me?
How can you even forgive me?
When you called me after you arrived home;
and you heard my breathing;
begging me to say one word to you.
Just to say your name.
How you must have felt unloved once again;
even more so when I hung up.
If I had been stronger then I would have
answered all your unanswered questions.
That day at my house.
When you were playing the piano.
I should have opened up and told you.
That I was in the middle of a battle over my daughter.
That I was fighting to keep my beloved daughter.
That one mis step and I would lose her.
All because I decided to be honest.
I forgot that I was hurting another human being.
A human being in which had the power to hurt me.
So much more so then my hurting him.
He held all the cards.
I was foolish and stupid enough that I thought I could still win.
Although I fully knew what the world was like.
I didn't have any blinders in my eyes.
I knew what the world was like for people like me.
But I thought I was strong enough to still be able to win.
And to still live my life the way I wanted.
What a fool I had been.
What a damn fool I had been.
I have not only hurt myself.
But you my soul mate.
I have also hurt my daughter.
My sweet innocent precious little girl.
By my one selfish act of acting on my feelings for you;
my soul mate;
my woman.
I have destroyed my little girl.
I have ripped the safety from her life.
I know what they will be telling her.
I know that they will be telling her that I'm sick.
That she can not see me alone because I could give her
my sickness.
I just had to wait until the beginning of the New Year.
I would have gotten joint custody.
I could have told her about you.
About my love for you.
How right and honorable it truly is.
But she had to keep it safe against the world.
She would have too.
She would have loved you my beloved Angel.
But I got selfish.
I got greedy.
I had to give into my body wants.
I had to have you.
So I had you.
I not only destroyed you.
I destroyed my daughter.
I destroyed myself.
Why are you here with me?
Why have you forgiven me?
When I can never forgive myself.