chapter 1

it was cold day in forks as usual and i was feelin like well maybe i wanted to go for a walk i mean who dont go for a walk in the rain ever now and then i mean no one knows im crayin win i do dat and stuff so ya i decided i wuld walk and think about my life like it was bein rit in a flashback in a novel or movie like 7 pounds with will smith who i like a lot but i wont tell no one cos my dad will shoot him cos he only like vampire and otehr things like that.

so i started thinking about me. and here is what i was thinkin.

my name is bella swan and my mom is crazy and hairbrained but the truth is she on drugs and gettin involved with younger men and she get arrested soon i think so i move in with my dad so he will keep me out of foster care. but no one but me knows my dad Charlie likes little girls and watch me and his stash starts quivering with delicious anticipation win he watch me changin in the rain outside into my pink bra and purple grannies and my big white dress that isn't like a weddig dress cos it not lace its cotton and short like a cocktail dress only without the tails.

but i move to forks and its ok so far a little scare and rainy but i think i like it a lot even though the rain is wet and i dont like cold wet things thats y i never had a pet fish cos i dont want to have to touch it and play with it and change it diaper after school. so instead i dont want pet so i think maybe i wait for i grow up so to get a dog cos renee wont let me cos she had dream i get attacked by a dog but she was on xanaxs at the time.

well so it my first day of school and over my underwera it raining and i put on my green parka even though i dun no what a parka is i wear it anyway and then i scribble my sock up my legs and turn my shirt on me under the bra at first but then i laugh and put it on right.

so i almost start walking to school and acly bout half there and then i see a polishman slowing down behind me and i am like omg o no the polish! oh no not the polish! but then i member my dad is the king of the polish so i giggle and then i jump in the car but not to close cos his stash starts twitchin and i am scare he be a pedophile and i now i am ugly but i am also really pretty and i no all the guys at school will want me especially with me wearing my new marilyn manson shirt with the sequins and glitter and i will sparkle and shine!!! :D

so he take me to school and drops me off and every boy is like crazy bout me al reddy and i just smile because they are droppin all ova themselfs and i don no wat to do so i go up to a real ugly asian dude wit black greasy hair that aint been washed in a month and say

"hey asian, you are smart cos your asian, right?"

asian say, "egg foo yung, yeah im smart! GODZILLAAAAAAAAA!!"

so i say "ok where is my class? its sex ed but dont tell anyone cos im a christan."

he nodded slovenly. "i am a buddha so i dont understand why you cant take sex because we like sex. no thats the hindus never mind. the asians didn't make the kama sutra. im sorry, i made a mistake"

"its ok" i say "i dont no what the kama sutra is cos im a christa and a virginia so if you dont want me to start going crazy you better show me to class instead of freaking me out cos when a white girl screams you be first to get picked up second only to that tyler guy you know with the big ugly drug van?"

he started to tear up and i winced cos i no wat that mean. it mean he fall in love with me too. like everyone always does so i shaked my head and i said "i know you love me but we cant be together cos we are to different and i dont know if your grandma will like me cos im not chinese."

he started to cry and ran away but when he was almost gone he turned around and yelled "my name is eric yorkie like the dog. not the eric part but the yorkie part. i have to go and slither my writ now cos i am also emo and that is why i do not bathe like rob pattinson."

"who is rob pattinson" i say

"YOU'LL FIND OUT!!!" HE BELLOWEd angrill and then turned and skipped gleefully away.

i had a feeling my time in foekres was going to be really weird but it ok cos weird is me middle name.