Issues for the Five Kage Council
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and am not making money off of these stories.
That said, the world these hypothetical train-wreaks of a story take place in is AU, varying from only slightly divergent to absurdly different and the same for the characters. IT'S MY STORY AND I'LL MAKE IT AS DIFFERENT FROM CANNON AS I WANT! These stories are unconnected humor one-shots. The only connection is that the Kage council is somehow involved, and mostly in competent in things other than battle. Levels of crack vary from almost repairable to shattered to sub-atomic particles, leaning toward the latter.
Text key
"speaking" "thinking" "Tailed beast speaking" Jutsu in use -Scene info-
And with that, let the madness begin!
Issue 1; Bro, Do you Even Chakra?
-Konoha Hot Springs-
The five Kages along with their guards let out a collective sigh of relaxation as they sank into the warm waters after a hard day of pointless haggling to better their own country's part of the collective trade agreement they had been drawing up. The girls had fortified their side with all of the best traps and seals money could buy in an effort to be safe from the assumed perversions of the men. To reciprocate, the men took turns pitting their skills against the women's preparations. Good fun for all sides. Onoki took the lead, testing their aerial defenses, and was swatted back into the water by a lava hand courtesy of Mei. A and Bee went next, trying to break through the dividing wall with sheer strength, but were repulsed by the seals. Gaara tried and failed to grind a hole in the wall with his sand. Naruto was up last, with the brilliant idea to over-load the seals with his chakra. Unluckily enough for him, he succeeded. The wall exploded, one large chunk sending him to the far wall, revealing a group of fully clothed and very angry kunoichi led by the two female Kages. After a wacky chase scene and a good portion of punitive beatings, everyone had settled down in swimsuits to release the tension which had built up even further.
The only sound was contented sighs of relaxation until Mei noticed Naruto standing on the water trying to drag the unwilling Kazekage into the water. Everyone else was amused by the two friends in their tug of war, one standing on the water, the other floating above it on his sand. Mei, on the other hand, felt a question growing in her mind. "Just how much chakra does he have!?" Everyone in the no longer divided springs turned to her. "He overloaded a seal made to handle multiple Kages, ran away from a chasing mob of highly trained and angry kunoichi, and still has chakra to play tug-of war on water! Does he even have a limit to his chakra?"
Tsunade set down her bottle of sake to think. "From what I've seen, he has somewhere around double what my fully charged seal holds, maybe two and a half times. It's hard to tell when he has beings of chakra backing up his supply."
A grunted in disagreement. "That doesn't really tell us anything. Isn't there some sort of way to objectively measure how much chakra someone has? It would make reports on missing nin much more useful, would help in learning jutsu, and probably increase chakra control as well."
Tsunade sighed and motioned for an ANBU and motioned her to go to the Hokage Tower and gather some documents.
"Sarutobi-sensei wanted to try something like that in his first term, but the Third Great Ninja War broke out before he made any progress. Later he wanted to make a system based on the drain of the Sharingan in his second, but then the Uchiha Massacre happened. Reports indicate that one of the last projects he was working on was actually another attempt, this time based on the drain for basic jutsu. He died fighting Orochimaru before that was anywhere close to done. I never touched it. Seriously, that program has got to be cursed."
"But that sounds really cool, Why don't we work the pool?"
Almost everyone stared in confusion at the "rapping" jinchuriki before his brother gave an explanation. "He says we should do it while we're relaxing in the springs."
"Fine! But what thing do we want to base it on that we don't care about losing?"
Everyone looked at each other, minus Naruto, before reaching a unanimous decision. "Sharingan."
Naruto pouted and was about to object, but was silenced when Gaara offered him a bowl of ramen. Tsunade sighed in relief, and quickly took the documents from the ANBU before sending her to get thirty orders of Ichiraku Ramen delivered. She leafed through the notes quickly, her face slowly gaining a smile before her face turned ashen white at the last page and she slammed the file down on the rocks. After a second to regain her composure she spoke. "It looks like Jiraiya was working on the project as well. He pretty much finished the system, there are a few tweaks for writing it left, but hardly anything significant. The only problem is the name. He gave it the name Chakra Unit of Measurement."
Most of the group showed some manner of discomfort at the acronym. Naruto, on the other hand, had just finished his bowl and started to pay attention just in time to catch the name. "Why is everyone looking so weird after you said that name. It's a boring name, but nothing really bad."
"Brotha' , take the first lettah'; and you'll understand bettah'."
After a second of scrunching his face to decipher the Rhyme, Naruto let out a disgusted cry. "C-u-o-m? Wait, cuom (Koo-om)? The sake-cherry wine mix? That stuff tastes terrible, no wonder no one wants to name it that!"
Leaving the Uzumaki in his naïve misunderstanding the rest of the group began to conspire to make a better name.
"We don't have to throw out the man's work entirely. Why don't we just add standard to the beginning?"
"Standard Chakra Unit of Measurement? SCUM? Hardly better."
"How about Supply of Automatic Natural Defense?"
"Gaara, other people will use this name too. AND DON'T MAKE THE ACRONYM THE NAME OF YOUR VILLAGE!"
"Chakra Limit Of Useful Directions?"
"A, what did I just say?"
"Super Training Over Natural Energy!"
"That's not even a name! Fine, Life Energy Amount of Force."
"That actually sounds good. I was going to suggest Mystical Intense Super Task."
Naruto looked up from his meal to put in his own two cents. "Why don't we go with the Regenerating Amount of Mystical Energy for Ninja Skills. I realize TRAOMEFNS (Tr-Ow-me-fins) is kind of a mouthful, but it makes more sense than your other suggestions and is more comprehensive."
The Kages looked at each other in shock and dread. It was in fact better than anything they could come up with, and more neutral, but did they really want the unit of measurement to be called RAMENS?
Before any of them had time to formulate a response an explosion of smoke resounded throughout the springs area. A quick wind ninjutsu later a ninja with a question mark headband and a bandage on his nose was revealed coughing in the middle of the group. Once his throat was finally clear he stood to his full height and tried to look menacing. "Mwha ha ha. Tremble in terror kages, it is I, Kageyama the Boiler! You've all fallen into my ingenious trap! While you thought you were going to relax, really you were going to die. Mwha ha ha!"
The kages started at him in disbelief. Here was a kid, not even wearing a Chunin jacket, that thought he could take on all five kages as well as their guards. Mei was the first to break the silence, "Aren't you that kid that dropped out of the Mist ninja academy first year because he didn't think he needed to learn how to write his name?"
"You may look down on me, but Generic Filler Villains Inc. gave me a chance! Now feel the wrath of my lost Hot Springs Village jutsu, Jacuzzi no jutsu!" Jets of massaging bubbles streamed from the walls of the springs, causing everyone in the springs to sink into a relaxed lethargy. "Mwha ha ha! Now you will be too comfortable to escape, and will slowly be cooked alive by the hot water, and there will never be any way to objectively measure a person's chakra! No one will ever be able to realize how pitifully little chakra all the filler villains have, and most importantly, it will remain difficult to learn jutsu so that filler villains will remain the only ones with their stupid one-off powers!"
All of the assembled ninjas, which included Naruto and Gaara because of plot reasons, couldn't be bothered to do anything as they felt their body heat rise. They would have thought some dramatic thoughts about their incoming death, had they not been so relaxed.
All seemed lost when the tides turned. That is to say, Naruto finished his bowl of ramen and climbed out of the water to grab another. Once out of the water he began to actually think about what was happening. Deciding to be polite, Naruto took one of the covered containers and held it out to the generic ninja.
The forgettable missing-nin accepted the bowl with shaking hands, unknowingly releasing his jutsu. "This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. This makes me rethink my entire life of evil and loneliness and consider joining the good guys… actually, on second thought, I'm way too much of a red-shirt to make it. It'll be better for me to just try to kill you all still and die with dignity."
The now recovered kages seemed to grow to completely overshadow him. "You want to die with dignity, eh? Request denied!"
-Forty-Five Minutes Later-
The once proud… or at least arrogant ninja now lay dead at the bottom of a pile of kittens, having suffered the terrible death by cuteness overload. Tsunade closed the lids on his rainbow burnt eyes and turned to Naruto.
"We'll let the chakra system be named RAMENS so long as you don't tell anyone about how we almost got taken out by such a punk."
-Epilogue-
Naruto sat on his golden throne as the first Ramen Emperor. Beside his majestic seat sat the honored Tailed-Beasts eating from bowls the size of baths. Ayame, the beautiful Ramen Empress, sat on the seat of the throne, enjoying her husband's skillful hands. All of his serving girls kneeled nearby, dressed in cooking aprons.
How did this result come about? That is a thing more fun to imagine than to know. But here's a hint; RAMENS.
This is uncut crack. No Beta, no research, no sense. Even if it isn't funny, I hope it's at least amusing, or at the very least distinct. Next Chapter; "Time Travel is Impossible, Right?"
