I'm going to loose myself in the music tonight. I'm going to forget him. I'm going to play my heart out, so that I'm no longer hurting... So that it doesn't matter that he rejected me... that he betrayed me... I'm going to transfer my pain through the music to everyone else in the world, so I don't have to carry it alone...

Damnit, Gren, you know that's not going to work. You tell yourself that every night. Every night you go to play is going to be the last one where you have to play for Vicious. The first night where you go home and can dream of anyone else. But it doesn't work, does it? You keep going back to the picture. The first night you tried that, you tore that picture in half. That's why it's ripped, because you wanted to forget. But you can't.

I don't want to forget... I love him! Why, I can't even remember. But even now, still, when I'm selling him Red Eye, tomorrow night... I have to see him again. Maybe things will be different, maybe they'll resolve. Maybe I'll ask him why he betrayed me, he'll realize its me, and he'll have a perfectly good reason. For the music box. He had to, to save some family somewhere. Anything, except for that it was for him... And then he'll come back to my room with me...

Gren, stop it. You're beginning to sound like some delerious fangirl or something... He's only a guy. The one you're in love with, sure, but that doesn't change anything. You're a soldier, Gren, you should have a more realistic idea of love. Especially love with guys. It doesn't happen the way you want it to. Never. You're going to die alone, Gren. Alone, in this depressing city. If you don't get bad enough to go back to Titan or something...

What's so wrong with wanting him? With dreaming? I'm going to play my heart out one more time. I'm going to loose myself tonight. I'm not going to come back... What is it with this angst?!?! I put myself through so much, and still it doesn't go away. I still feel the pain. Why?!?!?

That's how it is, Gren. Face it. Playing for him, keeping that picture still, they're just reminders of the pain. You love the pain, because that's all you have left of him. The pain of getting shot, the pain of getting shot down. And he was so cold, so perfect. He's an ice sculpture, Gren, and you're putting yourself in a freezer, a big one called Callisto but still a freezer, suffering frostbite and who knows what else just to keep him preserved that way. If you never meet anyone else, you'll keep your memory of him as your only love perfect.

After the drug deal is over, I'm going to find someone else. There's got to be someone out there...

Besides him, you mean?

Damnit, why am I arguing with myself so much? But... yeah. Besides him. Someone that I'd feel like this for, but someone I'd have a chance with.

You really don't want to, Gren. You want to keep being angsty forever over Vicious. That's how you're used to it, and you enjoy the pain. Look at your wrists, Gren, tonight after you wash the paint off in the shower. Look at them really hard, realize what you do to yourself. You're so wise for everyone else. You use none of it for yourself.

I don't have time for this now. After I play, maybe. If I still haven't played him out of my system.