Author's Message/Warning:
I'd like to start out by saying that, yes, I am female. I'm writing this as part of the Sphinx Challenge and I don't have much personal experience on the topic of this manual. Because of that, I had to quite a bit of research.
This manual is basically a Gryffindor guide that is mentioned in several fics. Sphinx originally came up with the idea in one of her fics. Her work can be found at: /profile.php?userid28452 Since Quidditch in Bed was first mentioned, it has been referred to in several fan fictions. Its scheme was eventually expanded by Riley () who added length and chapter titles in Pawn to Queen. Please note: I doubt I will be using Riley's suggested length of 200 pages for this fic. The ideas and philosophies of the book have expanded and grown with each fic it is mentioned in. I take no credit for the idea of Quidditch in Bed. I have just taken the liberty of actually writing it. My version of Quidditch in Bed has pretty accurate information presented from a Quidditch player's point of view and it will hopefully fit into Sphinx's criteria. You could very well apply this manual to your own life. However, I take no responsibility if something goes wrong.
This manual contains many sexual euphuisms. These are strictly euphuisms and are not vulgar. This fic falls completely within the guidelines of . However, it probably shouldn't be read by those who feel uncomfortable on the topic of sex. I also wouldn't recommend reading it if you are under 16.
Keep in mind, prologues are almost always boring. Even confusing at some times. Believe me, it gets much funnier when the story actually begins.
And here is just some basic advice: When polishing your broomstick or trying to get the Quaffle through the hoop, don't do anything stupid. If it hurts or seems dangerous, it probably shouldn't be done.
P.S. This book is directed to males. Gals, you could use it as a way to learn how to please your man if you want.
(01/06/02)
Past Reviews on before it was removed in 2002 during censorship of the site:
Reviewer
Date
Chapter
Type
Bre
2002-09-09
3
Signed
LMAO!! THAT IS SO WRONG!! I'm dying laughing here. VERY well written. That's one SICK mind there... which is why I think you rock.
textualsphinx(Sphinx) ()
2002-08-28
1
Anonymous
A note across the review box to Starlitskye - the answer to your question lies in the Author's Notes (does nobody read Authors' Notes??)of both this and Riley's 'Pawn to Queen': 'Quidditch in Bed' was invented by neither of these writers, but by me, in a little fic called 'Why Slytherins Are Sexier', which can be found here at ffnet under 'Sphinx'. I put out a challenge about six months ago for people actually to write this fictional sex guide.
Nezumi
2002-08-10
3
Signed
Nifty lil' diddy... really funny! I'd give it an 8 or 9, maybe 10 depending on the next chapters! . ... On another note so you're name's Addi/Addy/Adi too? Weird. I never thought the name was THAT popular. Anywho, update soon!
StarlitSkye
2002-08-04
3
Anonymous
My goodness, woman. I am laughing so hard (in my head, in reality I'm just gasping for air, since it's WAY past bedtime for me and I shouldn't be up) This is BRILLIANT. You are a genius. I cannot press how funny this is, I am still clutching my sides. My God, just... brilliant. Only now I keep wondering did you take the idea from Riley's Pawn To Queen or did Riley take the idea from you or are you collaborating? It doesn't even matter to me, this is just too damned FUNNY!!
Ginn
2002-08-02
3
Signed
humgph more stifled laughter the rules are hilarious heehee this one gets an 8
Ginn
2002-08-02
2
Signed
Updated content copyright by Al Gore?!
Hahahahahaha that's hillarious this chapter umm how about a 6
Brian Austin aka Austin ()
2002-07-31
3
Anonymous
send me the next chapter when you get it addi!! that was some funny shit
Jenna
2002-07-31
3
Anonymous
haha addi that was hilarious...read that one i told you about, and update this one!
Jennifer ()
2002-07-31
3
Anonymous
Ok- I give it an 9 on a scale of 1-10. It was written very well, and was very well researched. Go Addi!!
Neva & Em
2002-07-25
3
Anonymous
ok now, where is the next chapter? i want to know how to beat bludgers! great story, i love this 'quidditch' manual. ;)
KarinAlyssa
2002-07-11
3
Signed
Wow, what can I say?? The euphemisms will make my teachers so proud of you, you have a long way before you, you're very gifted
Bear
2002-06-24
3
Signed
10, 10, for the love of god, TEN!! Please finish, I eagerly await the next chapters!
Galaphile
2002-06-10
2
Signed
please continue this is extremly funny and i want to read "your witch and her snitch"
Moria Polonius
2002-06-09
3
Signed
wiping tears from her eyes Great job. Especially the Jaccuzi stuff -- I won't be able to get rid of this particular mental image for a long time.
"Your broomstick isn't anywhere near the nerves that make your eye function (at least in normal situations). -- What was THAT supposed to mean?
Sexiness-personified
2002-06-08
3
Signed
lol!! I love this. You're a very good writter... maybe later you could mention gay quidditch players.. I mean, there's got to be some... right?
Mrades
2002-06-05
3
Anonymous
gak!
this was hilarious! hope you haven't abandoned it!
bendoverdownup
2002-06-04
3
Signed
This is pretty fucking funny. Keep on writing! Maybe you should try with the quiditch Karma Sutra.
The anonymous Reader Sara ()
2002-06-03
3
Anonymous
WOw! this is hysterical. it's well written, and good. it'd make any English teacher proud.. if you'd actually let them read it... without them discovering the "secret" meanings. This is really great, i'm going to recommend it. I give it a 9! Good job! Keep it up! i didn't mean it like that! lol
SARA
The anonymous Reader Sara
2002-06-03
1
Anonymous
this first "chapter" was boring... BRING ON THE STORY! :) i rate this part... 2
Cid62
2002-06-03
3
Signed
Hilarious! The only question I have is--what on EARTH could Al Gore have been doing with such material at such a young age?
C1ofUnknown
2002-06-02
3
Signed
8. Not all that funny, and a bit confusing. How can women have broomsticks, in that sense. You should know what I mean.
C1ofUnknown
2002-06-02
2
Signed
I'm counting this as a chapter too.
8. Would of been better if you had go right to the Preface.
C1ofUnknown
2002-06-02
1
Signed
1. I'm counting this as a chapter.
fetch
2002-06-02
3
Signed
Funnay! :D
Lunaria
2002-05-29
2
Signed
That was hilarious. You should write more.
Kay Taylor
2002-05-28
2
Signed
Hahahahah! dies laughing this is VERY funny. But I think aspiring Quidditch masters might need more help with finding that elusive Golden Snitch... lol.
EmmaCF (too lazy to sign in)
2002-05-28
2
Anonymous
lol...that was gr8!!
Spike-Lover
2002-05-27
2
Signed
I bow down to your awsome writing!! Love the author's notes about covering your tracks! I love this story, even if it has nothing to do with SS?HG.
Slythdor
Normandie M
2002-05-27
2
Signed
I was waiting to see who'd take up Sphinx's challenge. Congrats on doing a good job of it! Am esp. looking forward to seeing 'Your Witch and the Snitch'smirk. Excellent beginning, can't wait for more!Normandie
Cowardice
2002-05-27
2
Anonymous
Gahahahahaha!! MAN! This is priceless! snickers Yah, it ensures that i'm not the only pervert around here...big grin Great job. Looking forward to the next chapter..
Lioness Silence
2002-05-27
2
Signed
OMG, this is such a trip. I was dying laughing. Fantastic. Hilarious. Great.
DeAth Of MeRcUrY
2002-05-27
2
Signed
haha funny hey u should write a few chapters for girls i'll make sure to come back and check... keep on writing
Sekhmet McFeerson
2002-05-27
2
Signed
heehee...this is great! I find this very funny, as I am very out of touch with the world I didn't know that Quidditch in Bed ever existed until now. Keep going, I think this is great... :)
Laura Beth
2002-05-27
2
Signed
Oh my goodness! This is hilarious, and very accurate! I love the innuendo and the recommendation by Ludo Bagman just cracked me up... elbow, you say? I always thought he was a W"&r of the first order! I'm impressed by the dedication you show to your readers, to actually research this topic in so much detail. grins Please continue, maybe a bit on locating the elusive Golden Snitch? Men always seem to find that tricky...
CryingCinderella
2002-05-27
2
Signed
FOTCOTGRALMAO (fell off the chair on the ground rollin' around laughin' my ass off!) Thatwas just hysterical! I too am female and think that you have gotten men down to a tea! Now I'm off to go help Snape polish his broom! winks
CryingCinderella
textualsphinx(Sphinx) - INVENTOR OF QIB ()
2002-05-27
2
Anonymous
Well that told me a great deal about wanking that I've had the fortune not to , um, come across before. Loved the bit about men boasting that they don't polish their broom cos they get the quaffle through the hoop at every match. This was really very - thorough - (you DID do your research, I'm impressed, no really...) What I liked was how very Gryffindor it was in its 'This is all Healthy and Natural' attitude (just as Severus says it is in WSAS.) Cheers, you'vfe made my day.
textualsphinx(Sphinx) - INVENTOR OF QIB ()
2002-05-27
1
Anonymous
Infamous? Mentioned in dozens of stories? I've only received two requests for a mention of my invention since "Why Slytherins Are Sexier" - the ficlet that brought "Quidditch in Bed" into being - was posted last Summer...I'm DELIGHTED someone's taken up the challenge. I'm well chuffed that QIB has become a - er- Fact Of Harry Potter Life. I believe JL Matthews is also working on a version, and I received another "Can I?" request recently. Go gals! (But would appreciate any writers wanting to ref QIB to acknowledge their source...) Right, am off to read "Polishing Your Broomstick" (snicker. This does look as though it's gonna be, um, authentic. Not that I'"d know of course. I couldn't write QIB if I tried, though I'm having a go at bits of Salomé Slytherin's "A Discourse on Luvve's Expresscioun" - more my kinda thang. Good luck with it and keep me posted on your progress - TS
Sijian
2002-05-27
2
Signed
Oooh, is this for Sphinx's QiB challenge?
I just love all the metaphors! How many chapters do you plan? Make sure it's not too sexist, or...um...species-ist !
Arabwel
2002-05-27
2
Signed
/read.php?storyid339569&chapter2
To my knowledge, you are the only one. This is pretty interesting... bravo, bravo, bravo... MORE!
CemeteryMink ( lazy to sign in) ()
2002-05-27
2
Anonymous
This is really excellent! You are doing a very good job of writing the notorious Gryffindor manual. I can't wait to see what you come up with next.
Redone
2002-05-27
2
Anonymous
Ooh! Finally! I've been wondering when someone takes this up. Vacuum cleaners and jacuzzi, LOL!
