A continuation of the other four scripts in the series. Hope you enjoy it.
FADE IN:
INT. RADIO STATION CONTROL BOOTH
WINSTON is in the control booth, headphones on, producing the nightly sports show. He looks tired.
WINSTON
Okay, caller number three, you're next in line. Are you ready with your question?
CALLER NUMBER THREE
Yeah, I'm ready.
WINSTON
Okay, just remember there is no profanity, no plugging anything, and no non-sports related questions. Okay?
CALLER NUMBER THREE
No problem. I just want to know why the Lakers sucked so bad this year.
WINSTON
A valid question.
He hits switches and then speaks again.
WINSTON
OK, Phil, caller number three has a question about the Lakers' failings this year.
Winston hits another switch and then leans back in his chair and closes his eyes for a moment. Then a woman kisses him. It's DAISY. Winston is startled and almost falls out of his chair.
WINSTON
Baby! What...what are you doing here?
DAISY
Surprising you.
She starts kissing him again. He stands and they kiss some more.
WINSTON
Baby, this is where I work, I...I...oh, yeah...
She leans him over the control booth and he accidentally hits a switch with his butt. A large red light "ON AIR" flashes but Winston doesn't see it.
INT. LOFT, KITCHEN - MORNING
NICK and SCHMIDT stand by the coffee maker arguing, while JESS sits at the table eating breakfast.
SCHMIDT
This a top of the line coffee maker from Japan, Nick! It only takes the finest coffee beans from Brazil and Ethiopia. I don't want you putting your cheap-o econo-store coffee beans into it anymore!
JESS
Jar.
NICK
Definitely jar.
SCHMIDT
Really? Was that...?
NICK
Jar, man! You know the rules. We decide what is jar worthy or not.
JESS
That was definitely jar worthy. Five bucks at least.
SCHMIDT
Fine!
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Schmidt walks to the douchebag jar and puts five dollars in it. Winston comes into the loft, looking shell-shocked.
SCHMIDT
Hey...What's up? You look like hell.
Winston flops on the sofa.
WINSTON
(dejected)
I got fired.
SCHMIDT
What?
Jess and Nick have heard and move to the living room.
NICK
No!
JESS
What happened?
WINSTON
None of you heard the show last night?
JESS
Ah...well, no. But to be fair, it's on from like 2 AM to 5 AM. So... what happened?
WINSTON
Daisy showed up and...things happened. Things happened.
They are confused.
NICK
What things?
WINSTON
Sexual things.
SCHMIDT
Player!
JESS
Jar!
Schmidt doesn't even protest this time and puts five more dollars in the jar.
NICK
Sex? You mean you and Daisy had sex in the station?
WINSTON
Yeah. In the control booth...and on the air.
They are shocked.
NICK
No way!
JESS
God, no!
SCHMIDT
You are the king!
He tries to high five Winston but they all just look at him.
SCHMIDT
Jar.
He puts more money in the jar.
PLAY THEME SONG and ROLL CREDITS
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - MORNING
Winston sits on the sofa, his laptop on the table in front of him. Jess comes running from her room, wearing dress and cardigan, in a hurry.
JESS
Keys.
She grabs her car keys from a dish near the door.
JESS
I'm forgetting something.
Nick comes out of her room carrying her purse.
NICK
Your purse.
He hands to her.
JESS
Okay, I'm off. Wish me luck.
She gives him a quick kiss.
NICK
You'll be great.
JESS
Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
NICK
Relax, you're perfect.
She kisses him again.
JESS
Thanks. I'll call you.
And she leaves.
WINSTON
What's up?
Nick sits with him.
NICK
That school she subbed at a few weeks ago is hiring a full time teacher for September and she has an interview.
WINSTON
An interview? She already subbed there. Why don't they just give her the job?
NICK
Yeah, I said the same thing. Some labor law thing, where they have to advertise and interview...I don't know. I got my job at the bar because I knew more about making drinks than the guy who was serving me. They fired him, and hello job.
WINSTON
Didn't the guy that you got fired give you that broken nose?
NICK
Yeah.
He touches his nose.
NICK
Still say it gives me character. (beat) How goes your job search?
WINSTON
Slow. Not easy getting an interview when half the state of California heard you having sex on the radio.
NICK
Don't flatter yourself. Not that many people listen to that show.
WINSTON
But unfortunately the FCC did. They decided not to prosecute me as long as I didn't challenge their ruling. Now I am banned for life from radio broadcasting.
NICK
Ouch!
WINSTON
So that limits my job options. All my experience has been in sports, playing or doing stuff on the radio about it. Damn, how could I have been so stupid?
NICK
It's sex. All men are stupid when it comes to sex.(beat) Still mad at Daisy?
WINSTON
No. I mean, sure she caused all this, but I didn't stop her so it's my fault as well. We made up.
Schmidt comes out of his room, dressed for work.
SCHMIDT
Look at this. Two unemployed bums sitting on my sofa.
NICK
I have a job!
SCHMIDT
Nick, when you have a real job, where you have to crush it every day, come back and say that again and maybe I'll believe you.
NICK
I crush it every day. I crush ice, lemons, limes. You know, for cocktails.
WINSTON
I just got fired so I wouldn't classify me as a bum...yet.
SCHMIDT
The truth is that I am the only one around here with a real job.
NICK
Jess is out getting a real job right now.
SCHMIDT
And it's about frickin' time. Now what about you two? When are you two going to man up?
WINSTON
(upset)
I just got fired! Leave me alone!
Nick stands and comes at Schmidt.
NICK
Want to see me crush it, Schmidt? Let's start with your head!
Schmidt runs to the door.
SCHMIDT
Don't touch my hair!
He ducks out the door and Nick just misses his head.
NICK
Oh, he drives me nuts!
WINSTON
He ain't wrong.
Nick sits again.
NICK
(resigned)
I know, and that makes it worse. Jess' dad said the same thing. I need some direction in my life. Cece getting pregnant sacred me, man.
WINSTON
(confused)
What? You ain't the father? Are you?
NICK
No! But that could just as easily be me and Jess some day. I don't want to be raising kids on a bartender's salary and tips. And Jess' job is no guaranteed income, not the way the government is laying off teachers. We need stability.
WINSTON
I can't believe I'm hearing this from you. Talking about settling down with a woman and raising kids and having a real job. And can I just remind you that you and Jess just started dating.
NICK
You're right. But I just don't want to screw this up with Jess. My whole life has been one long screw up. She's the best thing that ever happened to me, Winston.
WINSTON
I was going to say that.
NICK
Yeah. So what's my move?
WINSTON
Go back to where you once were.
NICK
Huh?
INT. SCHOOL, DR. FOSTER'S OFFICE - DAY
Jess is sitting in front of DR. FOSTER'S desk.
FOSTER
This is all just a formality. Peg says you're great, you did great subbing those horrible children, and you have an outstanding resume. Welcome aboard.
JESS
(happy)
Thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me. I won't let you down.
FOSTER
I'm sure you won't.
He holds up her resume, looks at it carefully.
FOSTER
Hmmm...there's just one thing, Ms. Day. One of our summer school teachers is out for a few weeks. Medical issue. I need someone to fill in before the regular year starts. You up for it?
JESS
Sure, of course. I'm still teaching writing twice a week in the late afternoon but if it's in the morning, no problem. What class is it? English? History? Math?
FOSTER
Something a little different than what you are use to.
JESS
Oh?
EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Jess is standing there in her dress and cardigan holding a basketball in front of a bunch of middle school kids all dressed in gym clothes.
JESS
So...this is a basketball. Am I right?
They all roll their eyes and groan.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS BUILDING - DAY
Nick and Winston stand outside looking at the entrance to a big grey stone college like building. On a sign it says SCHOOL OF LAW.
NICK
Oh, man. I don't know about this Winston. It's been almost five years.
WINSTON
You wanted this once.
NICK
Yeah. But do I still want it bad enough?
His cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket.
NICK
It's Jess.
He answers.
NICK
Hey. What happened?...That's great! We have to celebrate! I'm buying the pizza!...Ah...yeah, with Winston...out for a walk. Huh? Okay.
He hands the phone to Winston.
NICK
She wants to talk to you.
WINSTON
(into phone)
Hey, Jess. Congrats!...Yeah...okay. See you there.
He hands the phone to Nick.
NICK
What's going on?
WINSTON
She needs my help.
EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
Winston is here, sitting on the bleachers, laughing and shaking his head. On court Jess is trying to teach the kids. She looks flustered and sweaty.
JESS
Okay, Jesus...that's fine. Good basket. No, Sherrie, no punching...or elbowing. David, do you need your inhaler?...No?
A bell RINGS.
JESS
Okay...that's lunch!
She tires to blow a whistle but it just makes a squeak. The kids all run past her and head off the court. Two kids talk low as they go past Winston.
KID ONE
She sucks man!
KID TWO
She knows less about basketball than my grandmom!
Jess sees Winston. She's sucking wind and collapses on the bleachers.
JESS
Oh, thank god you are here.
WINSTON
Having a hard time?
JESS
I never taught PE before. And now they want me to do it for three weeks! I have to teach basketball and the kids already know more than me. And then we have volleyball next week, and there is soccer, and...and...I need help.
WINSTON
What can I do?
JESS
Teach me.
WINSTON
You want me to teach you about sports?
JESS
Yes!
WINSTON
All right then girl. First thing...you gotta look the part.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Winston sits on the sofa, making faces as Jess tries on various colorful and girly sports wear, in a montage of a fashion show.
Jess in a pink tutu skirt over black tights.
WINSTON
It's sports, not ballet!
Jess in sexy spandex and leggings, sweatband on head.
WINSTON
Didn't Olivia Newton John wear that back in 1983?
Jess in shocking pink outfit.
WINSTON
Are you trying to blind me?
Jess in all polka-dot gym outfit.
WINSTON
NO!
Jess in white T-shirt with one of Nick's black hoody's on top and loose grey track pants.
WINSTON
Ah...yeah. That'll do it.
JESS
Are you sure? I've got like ten more sets I can try on.
WINSTON
Only if you tie me to the sofa.
JESS
Fine. This is it then. So...now what?
WINSTON
Now, you have to learn all about what you teach so you can teach it to them.
JESS
Oh, man.
WINSTON
Yes, Jessica Day. It's time to go back to school. The Winston Bishop School of Sports.
He grabs the remote control and turns on the TV, flips through channels, finds a basketball game.
JESS
This is the Winston Bishop School of Sports?
WINSTON
All sports teams do this. They watch the other guys play so they can pick up on their weakness and tactics. Or in your case, the whole game.
JESS
Oh, Okay! (Beat) Should I take notes?
WINSTON
Do you have to ask?
She runs to her room and comes back with note pad and pen.
JESS
This is so much fun! Hanging out with Winston, learning about B-Ball, taking notes. (sings) Back to school!
Winston gives her a look like he's annoyed
JESS
Sorry, shutting it. Teach me.
WINSTON
This is a replay of game Nick and I watched two days ago. So first…
JESS
Where's Nick at anyway?
WINSTON
He had to go talk to someone.
EXT. PARK - DAY
Nick sits on a park bench with TRAN. Tran wears a yellow baseball hat and a brown cardigan.
NICK
I don't know what to do. Law school or not?
Tran shrugs.
NICK
I know! Right. That's the way I feel. Who cares? I mean sure, lawyers make big money and TV makes it look like a glamorous job but let me let you in on a little secret. It's not.
Tran nods.
NICK
See? Even you know that and you spend all day in parks and water pools.
Tran grins.
NICK
Yeah, it's a good life, isn't it? So you must be retired, good pension, raking in the big dough to buy all these baseball hats. What did you do?
Tran points to Nick.
NICK
What? Me? What...oh, you were a bartender?
Tran shakes his head.
NICK
No? A writer?
Another shake of the head.
NICK
Come on. A...a lawyer?
Big grin from Tran.
NICK
No way! And now all you do is spend your days relaxing? That's for me man. I'll do it! I'm going back to law school!
He stands up but then quickly sits again.
NICK
I can't do it again, Tran. It nearly killed me. With all the pressure to study, and being broke all the time, living in a loft with three roommates, having crappy clothes, a car that's falling apart, living week to week on my tips, and having Caroline nag me to death...my life was so horrible then. And nothing has changed, except the studying.
TRAN
And Jess.
Nick looks surprised he speaks and then nods.
NICK
You're right. There is Jess. She is the best, Tran, my friend. Is it okay if I call you friend?
Tran nods.
NICK
Thanks, man. You're always there for me. Jess is the best thing that ever happened to me, Tran.
TRAN
Then you do it for her, not you.
NICK
For us.
Tran smiles and nods. Nick stands and yells.
NICK
I'm going back to law school, ya idiots! (quiet) I'll show Schmidt who's crushing it now.
INT. SCHMIDT'S OFFICE - DAY
He is sitting at his cubicle and one of his lady COWORKERS comes by.
COWORKER
Heads up. New boss alert.
SCHMIDT
What? New boss? Since when?
COWORKER
Since Gina decided to take a year off to be with her new baby girl. Corporate sent him over this morning. His name is Dave Cartwright.
SCHMIDT
(shocked)
Him? You mean I'm no longer the only bro in this off?
COWORKER
What? Oh...I guess so.
SCHMIDT
Where is he? I have to meet my new soul bro.
COWORKER
Schmidt...
SCHMIDT
What?
COWORKER
Word is he's here to clean up our act. Be careful.
SCHMIDT
(dismissive)
Careful? Careful is for cry babies and losers. I'll show him who the real man is around here.
COWORKER
You're the only man until now.
SCHMIDT
And now I have a bro. Advantage, Schmidt. Where is he?
COWORKER
Gina's old office.
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - DAY
A very young man, much younger than Schmidt, DAVE, sits behind a big desk with a big computer. SCHMIDT enters the open door.
SCHMIDT
Hey, my man. Welcome to the off.
He puts up a high five hand and no one hits it.
DAVE
Excuse me? Who are you?
Schmidt's face and arm fall.
SCHMIDT
I'm...I'm Schmidt.
Dave grabs his mouse and clicks on his computer.
DAVE
Oh, yes. Mr. Schmidt. I've been meaning to talk to you about...
Schmidt sits down and puts a big grin on.
SCHMIDT
About all the fine ladies we work with? Let me give you the low down. Secretaries are a big no-no. Just looking for that bling on the finger. Accountants are great but they know how much money you make which is something no woman should ever know. The sales gals, now that's where it's at. They're out of town half the time so you have freedom galore. Not that it matters to me much anymore. I have a steady lady.
DAVE
That is quite the list you have.
SCHMIDT
No need to thank me, Dave. Now, I was thinking about moving to a corner office and...
DAVE
You are quite something. Gina warned me all about you. In fact, she kept a substantial file on all your activities for the past seven years.
Schmidt looks uncomfortable now.
SCHMIDT
She did? A file. What...what does it say?
DAVE
There is enough here for a nice sexual harassment lawsuit, if anyone had bothered pressing for one. You could have cost this company millions in lawsuits. I think we need to talk.
SCHMIDT
(worried)
About what?
DAVE
You're attitude towards women.
SCHMIDT
In all fairness, Dave, life has been hell around here. These women have been picking on me and harassing me since the day I started here.
DAVE
Have you ever filed a complaint?
SCHMIDT
Ah...no.
DAVE
They have. Many of them.
SCHMIDT
For what?
FLASHBACK MONTAGE
INT. OFFICE CUBICLE AREA - Day
A nice looking woman walking away from Schmidt.
SCHMIDT
Suzie, that dress does wonders for your bod.
SUZIE
Screw you, Schmidt.
Another woman crosses behind the first one.
SCHMIDT
Lisa, like where your legs are going.
LISA
Get lost, loser.
A third woman walks by, a little bit chubbier than the other two.
SCHMIDT
Donna, sorry all the baby fat is still on your hips. Better hurry up or it will be permanent.
DONNA
Like your fat ugly head?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Room full of woman, Schmidt speaking up front behind a podium. They are all laughing at him and he looks embarrassed.
SCHMIDT
That wasn't funny! You want to hear funny? Why did God make women? So guys would have someone to kick out of bed in the morning. Am I right?
Dead silence.
SCHMIDT
Come on! You guys make jokes about us too! I've heard a lot worse from all of you!
Dead silence, anger on many faces.
SCHMIDT
(nervous, high pitched)
Am I right?
WOMAN
GET HIM!
A rain of pencils, pens, notebooks comes flying at him as he tries to hide behind the podium.
INT. ELEVATOR
Schmidt and a beautiful female co-worker.
SCHMIDT
I'm going down. Are you?
INT. DAVE'S OFFICE - DAY
SCHMIDT
Oh, come on. That last one was a legitimate question. She just thought I said 'on you' not 'are you'. And to be fair, she later did sleep with me.
DAVE
And that was just September 21, 2010. Moving on...
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - DAY
Jess and Winston are watching the basketball game on TV. Jess is taking notes on her pad. Winston has the remote control and he points to the screen and hits pause, and then slow motion.
WINSTON
See! Right there! That's traveling.
Jess looks confused.
JESS
So you can take three steps but then have to pass the ball?
WINSTON
Dribble. Dribble the ball!
She looks at her notes.
JESS
Or pass it, right?
WINSTON
Ah, yeah. Right.
Just then Schmidt comes in. He flops on the sofa, looks shell-shocked.
JESS
What's up?
WINSTON
Yeah, why ain't you at work crushing it?
SCHMIDT
They sent me home.
WINSTON
What?
JESS
Why?
SCHMIDT
Apparently, I have a problem with dealing with women.
JESS
Yeah, we know that.
WINSTON
That's not a secret.
SCHMIDT
Well, in the cold heart of corporate America it is a problem. I am being forced to take sensitivity training and cannot go back to work until I complete one week of seminars. Starting tomorrow.
Jess and Winston crack up laughing.
WINSTON
I can't believe it, man. You've been there for what? Seven years now? And they're finally going to do something about you and how you deal with woman?
JESS
Isn't your company all women? I mean...yeah, like, why now? What did you do?
SCHMIDT
Nothing! In fact, there is a new boss and he's a man! He's the one making me do it. And for the record, since I have been dating Elizabeth and realize I am going to be a father I have been extra careful not to do anything pervy.
JESS
I have noticed that. Your eyes are no longer on my chest when we talk...Schmidt!
His eyes are on her chest and he looks up.
SCHMIDT
Just you saying that made me look! Don't worry, Ms. Day. You no longer hold any thrill for me.
WINSTON
(disbelieving)
Since when has any woman not been a thrill for you?
SCHMIDT
Since she started sleeping with Nick. I never hit on any of Nick's women. Ever.
WINSTON
(nodding)
That is true.
JESS
Why? Afraid he'll pop you over the head?
SCHMIDT
You wouldn't understand. It's a bro thing.
WINSTON
I don't think I understand it either.
JESS
Come on Schmidt! Tell me why I don't turn you on anymore.
The loft door is open and Nick is there, with two large pizzas. He has heard the last part.
NICK
Well, this is a weird conversation.
He puts the pizza on the coffee table and sits with them, next to Jess.
JESS
I don't turn Schmidt on anymore.
NICK
Oh, you finally noticed?
Jess is surprised.
JESS
What? What's going on? Have I lost my sex appeal?
SCHMIDT
Yes.
NICK
No, no, no! But ever since Schmidt and I met, Schmidt has this thing about the girls I am dating. He won't hit on them, even after I break up with them. Even if he really liked her before I started dating her, he will not ask her out.
JESS
But...why?
NICK
After me, he knows he will just be one big disappointment.
SCHMIDT
Okay, okay. That's what you still think after all this time? Fine! Here's the real truth, Nick Miller. I don't thrill on your ladies because I respect you. I would never date a girl you spent time with. It's all about the respect, bro.
WINSTON
(to Schmidt)
Come to think of it, you never hit on my ladies either.
NICK
And I never hit on your ladies. Either of you.
WINSTON
Neither do I.
They look at each other in surprise.
JESS
(disbelief)
It took you more than ten years to figure this out?
Now they look sheepish.
WINSTON
Ah...yeah.
SCHMIDT
I guess so.
NICK
We are so dumb.
JESS
Wait. Schmidt and Winston both hit on Cece when you first met her. And Nick, you and Winston and Schmidt all hit on that girl Holly.
WINSTON
Not the same thing.
NICK
None of us were dating them at the time.
SCHMIDT
And we'd just met Cece and Holly so both were open season.
WINSTON
Yeah!
JESS
So...what about when you first met me?
SCHMIDT
That's why we had the no-nail oath, which Nick violated!
NICK
I didn't read the fine print!
JESS
Oh...I'm glad he violated it.
She gives him a little kiss. Schmidt and Winston roll their eyes.
NICK
(to Jess)
Congrats on the new job.
She blushes and smiles.
JESS
Thanks.
SCHMIDT
It's about frickin' time. Now what about you two?
WINSTON
Working on it, man!
JESS
Nick has a job.
Nick looks at his watch and stands
NICK
Which I am late for.
JESS
I need a drink.
WINSTON
Me, too.
SCHMIDT
Count me in.
NICK
Great, let's all go to work with me. Grab the pizza.
They all head out the door with pizza.
INT. NICK'S BAR - NIGHT
Winston leaves the table where Schmidt and Jess are eating pizza and comes to the bar.
WINSTON
(to Nick)
The usual. All of us.
NICK
One coke and cognac, one pink wine, and one Heisler. Cash, charge, or tab?
WINSTON
Tab, of course.
Nick ticks an imaginary list in the air.
NICK
I think that makes your bill now over a thousand dollars, sir.
WINSTON
I'll get that next week. So, what happened at law school?
NICK
I didn't go in.
WINSTON
What? We talked about this, didn't we?
NICK
Hold on, let me finish. I didn't go in right away. I went to the park and talked to Tran and he told me to do it.
WINSTON
He talks?
NICK
Sometimes. Not much. But when he does talk, words of wisdom my man.
WINSTON
So, when are you going to tell Jess?
NICK
Not yet. I might not get in so...I don't want her to be disappointed. What did she want with you today anyway?
WINSTON
They got her subbing for PE class and she needed my help. You are now looking at Jess' secret sports mentor.
NICK
How does that work?
WINSTON
So far...not that well.
NICK
It can only get better. I mean...she doesn't know much about sports. But it can't be that bad. Am I right?
Winston gives him a look and shakes his head no.
EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - Day
Winston is teaching the kids while Jess sits on the bleachers nursing a sore ankle. Foster walks up. She tries to get up but falls. Winston sees it and runs over to help her.
FOSTER
Ms. Day, are you okay?
WINSTON
She rolled her ankle. Seen it before. No big deal. Just ice it and no activity for a few days.
FOSTER
Who are you, may I ask?
JESS
This is my friend Winston Bishop. He's helping me teach the kids.
FOSTER
Winston Bishop? Why is that name familiar? Were you in the news lately?
Winston looks worried.
JESS
(quick)
Yes. He's a star college hoops player.
FOSTER
Really? Here in LA?
WINSTON
High school in Chicago, then college in LA, and semi-pro in Latvia.
FOSTER
Latvia! I've been there. Twice! They have lovely goat's cheese and goat's milk.
WINSTON
Goats? Yeah I really can't…
Jess shakes her head at him.
JESS
Didn't I tell you? Dr. Foster loves goats.
WINSTON
And...and...and I love goats, too. In fact, our team mascot was a goat. I got to be good friends with it my rookie year.
FLASHBACK - INT. BUS - DAY
Basketball team of very big white Latvian guys on bus, with a cordoned off area in the back where there is a goat pen. Winston sits in there with the team mascot goat, hay, a bucket of some water the goat laps out of. One of the big players turns to Winston.
PLAYER
Hey, rookie. You careful. Goat like to make love. No have girlfriend for long time. Maybe you be goat girlfriend.
All the players roar at this and Winston just rolls his eyes. Then the goat nudges him and licks his leg.
WINSTON
Badddddd goat!
EXT. SCHOOL BASKETBALL COURT - DAY
WINSTON
Yeah, I love goats.
FOSTER
Really? We have a goat mascot as well.
WINSTON
You don't say.
FOSTER
How would you like a job?
Winston's eyes light up.
WINSTON
A job...doing what?
FOSTER
This. Teaching sports. It turns out our PE teacher will be gone longer than we thought. Do you have a teaching license?
WINSTON
My degree was in sports science and I have a level four coaching certification.
FOSTER
Oh. That's too bad. To teach classes we can only hire those licensed to teach in the public school system by the state of California.
He starts to walk away.
WINSTON
Wait. Doctor Foster, is it? Look, I really would like to work here. Isn't there some way we can work around the rules?
JESS
Yeah, help a brother out.
FOSTER
Well...I think we might be able to do something.
EXT. GOAT PEN - DAY
Winston is using a pitchfork to shovel hay to the goat mascot.
WINSTON
Damn goats again.
The goat tries to lick his hand. Winston brandishes the pitchfork.
WINSTON
Back off! I got a woman already!
INT. LOFT, DINING ROOM TABLE - NIGHT
Nick is sitting at the table with a bunch of papers, forms he is filling out. Jess comes in, Winston helping her. She is still hobbling a bit.
INT. LOFT, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
NICK
Whoa! What happened?
JESS
Sports injury.
Winston helps her to the sofa, looks at her ankle. She winces when he touches it
WINSTON
Yeah, it'll be tender for a few days.
NICK
You should see a doctor.
JESS
Maybe...
WINSTON
No big deal. Just put ice on it.
Nick goes to the fridge and gets an ice pack, comes back, gives it to Winston and he puts it on her ankle. Nick sniffs.
NICK
What's that smell?
JESS
Goat.
NICK
Goat?
WINSTON
Yes, goat, damnit! I got a new job.
NICK
Congrats. Doing what? Goat herding?
WINSTON
Sort of. And I get to coach part-time at Jess' new school.
JESS
(sings)
We're going to be co-workers. On the down low.
NICK
What? On the down low?
WINSTON
Technically I am not qualified to teach. So they bent the rules a bit. I have been hired as the official mascot caretaker and the coach of the school's sports teams.
NICK
Which team?
JESS
All of them. Money is tight.
NICK
So who's going to teach sports?
Winston looks at Jess and Nick's eyes go wide.
NICK
No way!
JESS
What? I know how to teach. I just need to brush up on my sports knowledge.
NICK
Yeah, right. That'll take like...forever!
Jess is mad.
JESS
Listen, Miller, just because you're from Chicago and know all about the Celtics and...
NICK
That's Boston.
JESS
And the Cowboys…
WINSTON
Dallas.
JESS
And the Yankees...wait. New York right?
Nick and Winston nod.
JESS
Oh, man, I need help.
Winston's phone rings.
WINSTON
That's Daisy.
He moves off down the hall, answering phone as he goes.
NICK
Not to worry. I have thirty-two years of useless sports knowledge in my head waiting to be let loose on the world.
JESS
Great.
Jess now notices all the papers on the table.
JESS
What's all this? Late with your taxes?
NICK
Nope. I was going to wait but now I guess is as good a time as any. With all this recent pregnancy talk and Winston getting fired it got me thinking. A lot. About the future.
JESS
The future? You mean...our future?
NICK
Yeah. So...I went to my old university and I talked to the dean and...
JESS
Oh, God.
NICK
I'm thinking about going back to finish law school.
Jess is very surprised and pleased.
JESS
Nick...that's...amazing!
NICK
It's not going to be easy. I still have to get accepted. And if I get in I still have a year of course work to finish, and then a year working at a law firm, if I can get in one, and then the bar exam, and then there are so many lawyers and the...
But he stops talking as Jess kisses him.
NICK
Okay. I guess you're happy.
JESS
I am. You're doing something for me.
NICK
For us.
JESS
For us. So...when do you start?
NICK
Classes start in September if I get in. I have to fill in all these applications now to get in under the wire.
JESS
Oh, man. That's soon. What about paying for it all?
NICK
Zombie money. But it's going to take all I got saved.
JESS
So you'll still be bartending?
NICK
As much as I can.
JESS
So...when will I see you?
Nick laughs.
NICK
Every night, silly.
JESS
Oh, yeah.
She kisses him again. Schmidt comes in and just rolls his eyes at the two of them.
SCHMIDT
Can't you two ever keep your hands off of each other?
NICK
Nope.
JESS
Don't want to.
He sits on the sofa.
JESS
Nick has great news.
NICK
I might be going back to law school.
SCHMIDT
(calm)
That's good.
They look at him, puzzled.
NICK
That's it? No...it's about time, Miller, you got off your lazy ass and made something of your life?
Schmidt looks whipped.
SCHMIDT
I'm just...yeah. What you said.
JESS
Sensitivity training not going well?
SCHMIDT
The worst.
ROLL END CREDITS
INT. LARGE ROOM - DAY
Schmidt sits on a chair in the middle of a circle of aggressive looking women, standing and staring at him. He looks terrible. An INSTRUCTOR, a very femme man, is nearby. On the outside along the walls are other men. They all look like hell, and some are weeping.
INSTRUCTOR
Now class, I know it's been a rough day. But we are making progress, aren't we? Now this exercise is designed to, how shall we say, make you see what it is like to be in someone you harass' shoes. Ready, girls? Let him have it.
The women start circling Schmidt, acting aggressive and moving suggestively.
WOMAN ONE
You look hot today. Want a date?
SCHMIDT
(scared)
No, thank you.
WOMAN TWO
I bet you can go all night, tiger.
SCHMIDT
(high pitched)
I have a girlfriend. Please, leave me alone.
WOMAN THREE
Come on. What she doesn't know won't hurt her, will it?
SCHMIDT
I love her! Leave me alone!
WOMAN FOUR
I just want your body.
SCHMIDT
(in tears)
I'm not having fun. Can I go now? I promise I will be good to women. Just...LEAVE ME ALONE!
FADE OUT
