Harry Potter and The Spork
There comes a new antagonist in the charming Harry Potter tale. It is known as….THE SPORK!! an exciting combination of a spoon and a fork…thus…SPORK! The spork is evil beyond evil….tricky beyond tricky! And above all…the spork is cunning. The spork lives in Hermione's belly. Hermione thinks that the GINORMOUS lump around her belly button is either a baby named Harhermryon a combination of Harry, Hermione, and a little bit of Ron or a Ha-UGGGE build up of jubber (jiggly blubber). Anyway…Harry is off with Snape getting drunk and running over mailboxes with their broomsticks that have humongo jets on them. Meanwhile, depressed Moaning Myrtle is in the girls stall constantly giving herself a wet willy (a term for placing your head inside the toilet and flushing repeatedly). Hermione is off sniffing pot with her McGonagall mate. Ron, still recovering from his life-threatening hangover, is sitting in the girl's dormitory with Malfoy on top of him. As to what happened to Dumbledore? WHO KNOWS? The last time we saw him was his dorky loser hocus-pocus hat falling out of the window of the tallest tower of Hogwarts. Speaking of Hogwarts, Hogwarts was named after Cho Chang (if you catch my drift…HOG….WARTS….Hogwarts.). When Harry and Snape return riding cannibal llamas, they "accidentally" flick off Ms. Umbridge, they are forced to poop themselves constantly. Unfortunately, Harry and Snape already have a gaping hole in the bottom of their pants that was made during their wild ride on their jet broomsticks.
Girls get immediately petrified when they walk into their dormitory and see the disturbing image of Ron and Malfoy (need I go on?). So we have all the girls frozen at the entrance of their dormitory looking like Harry does when he sees Cho (remember? HOGwarts?). So when a girl comes into their dorm, they have to navigate all the frozen bodies, only to have their body frozen seconds later and adding to the sculpture collection. Mr. Filch comes by the girls dormitory with his new handy dandy VACUUM (with a very large storage tank, I might add…) as he fills his vacuum with clothes, body parts, you know, FLAMMABLE PLASTIC and stuff, he approaches the Malfoy-and-Ron scene, AND JOINS IN! Isn't that nice?
Then Voldemort comes in with his beautiful happy, flower-making wand. He walks into the girls dorm, and puts some flowers onto the horrific scene. Then he pulled out his baby blue pocket knife with a chainsaw attachment and ripped the sofa that the threesome were…..doing something on….in 2. Then he put his left hand in the windowsill and shut the window. Then the fluorescent light bulb fell on his head, leaving him unconscious. So, let's review, shall we? Ron, Malfoy, and Mr. Filch are making sick-o noises on their half of the sofa, while Voldemort is unconscious with his hand jammed in the window, and a VERY, VERY hot fluorescent light bulb right near his sensitive area….so. Let's continue! Meanwhile, the evil, scheming spork was beginning to….hatch…out of Hermione…if that's REALLY her name! But, as you know, it is a spork, which is SHARP, so Hermione will feel her "baby" "kicking". As hammered Harry and Snape lie on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, they reconsider their foolish acts for the day. Then they go put some dynamite by the Slytherin dormitory. On their way to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom they flick off some Hufflepuffs who go crying to Mr. Filch, but get petrified on the way. So Harry and Snape, being drunk finally pass through the door to Myrtle's bathroom (after a couple of tries) and go to a stall to puke. Myrtle, surprised, emerges from her stall with dripping hair to find Harry and some guy with a mini skirt on with a smelly, brown substance on their shirts. "What the bleepin bleppity bleep bleepers are you doing in my bleeping bleepity bathroom?!?!" So then Harry and Snape started making out. Myrtle was furious! She kicked Snape in the mouth and pulled him into her wet willy stall to "take care of him". While Snape was recovering from whiplash, Myrtle ran over to Harry and violently made out with him, leaving Harry knocked out.
Let's go back to Hermione's tale. Hermione and McGonagall had SO much pot in their system, they couldn't walk. So they called the tow-truck agency. So the tow-truck driver came and said, "sorry girls. We have a weight limit of 5000 pounds. We just can't drag you." So Hermione and McGonagall became hobos along the train track for the Hogwarts Express. But way too quickly, McGonagall's leg got run over by Mr. Filch, (who ditched the threesome in Hogwarts) who had train rage at the moment. So McGonagall was dead, leaving Hermione to be the lone hobo. Until Mr. Malfoy joined her. But his head got run over. So he was out of the picture. Hermione had learned to stay AWAY from the railroad when a train comes after all the drama she had been through.
