A Cyber Love Affair

Hello, friends!

I first wrote this story in 2011, five years ago. Since then, it's grown and flourished into something much bigger than me, becoming the most read, reviewed and favorited story I've ever posted.

I removed this story last year due to the fact that it was so poorly written. I've always wanted to rewrite it and am finally getting around to it. I hope you'll enjoy the changes I've made. Please remember, although it may not be evident at first, that this story is written from the perspective of Penelope Garcia.

As always, I don't own Criminal Minds.

Thank you so much.


Chapter One: In Five Years' Time

Well, hello there. I always type that. "Well, hello there." It never fails. At the beginning of every year, when I haven't written anything on this blog the entire past year after making this whole, big, to-do about this being my year and that I'd post my progress and how I'd change my life around and all of that…

Do you ever realize you're getting old? Like really old? Maybe I'm not realizing it but then again I am. Or maybe the vodka is what's realizing it?

I'm drinking again. I know I said I'd stop that last year but, OK, it's New Year's Eve and I'm alone again. I said I wouldn't be alone this time this year when I was making my resolutions for last year, so, I guess I'm two for two.

I just want… Different, y'know. I'm a grown as woman. With a grown ass job. Doing grown ass things. Like getting drunk off my ass for the umpteenth time this week.

Speaking of this week, we had the whole week off. I'm not sure if that's because people weren't committing any dastardly deeds or if our liaison just wanted to give us a break. I don't know who the break is for, though. She's beautiful, she's going out tonight. Our boss is going home to his wife and son. Even my little G-man, the adorkable dude he is, found someone to hang with tonight.

Never mind that "someone" is one of his book clubs or something (and I think they're discussing Nostradamus' prophecies tonight? Which is so totally the cutest, most geeky thing I've heard him do to this date.)

Even he's doing something. Yeah, him. The cute hunk at my job. Who totally flirts with me all of the time and it's not in my head. He does. But I noticed he's a cute hunk and so has everyone else. So he's out with one of those other bimbos.

And I really shouldn't call them bimbos, because that's mean. They're gorgeous girls. Even if they're the ones slobbing his knob instead of me.

I mean, how do you even get that many dates? Every single time they come home, he has someone lined up. I can barely even get my cat too tolerate my petting him for too long and he has a constant stream of bodies in his bed. All the time. ALL THE TIME. Like how even?

You know what I wish I could do? Have sex. Just once. Don't get me wrong, I've had sex before, tons of it but I want more. And I wish I could have sex with someone that I like and not just someone that was as drunk as me at the bar.

I wish I could tell you guys more about my job. Work makes it really hard to find someone to have sex with. Which is why I don't understand how he does it.

No one reads this blog, I know, but I swear I'm not an alcoholic and the fact that I seem to only post when I'm drunk off my ass is because I deserve to be drunk off my ass. Plus I only blog like three times a year, so lay off.

I kinda hate my job. Not really, but kinda. Which is funny, because I love it. Does that make sense? I'm cooped up in a tiny room all of the time which is fun I guess because no one can bother me but I have to look at really, really horrible things, and why do people hurt each other so much? Why can't everyone just be nice to each other? Is that so hard?

I think… I'm gonna go to bed now. Or drink s'more. There's a whole bottle of champagne in my kitchen. And Cîroc. Is there some rule against mixing your liquors? Or is it only hard liquors? I guess we'll find out tonight?

You know what I was gonna do? I have this list of New Year's Resolutions that I was gonna tell you guys about but screw it. I do that every year. And what's gonna change this year? Maybe nothing. Maybe something. But nothing is changing at 11:58 p.m. on Decemeber 31.

Oh, I guess I should turn on the TV now. Isn't the ball about to drop?

And it dropped.

And so will I.

Goodnight, internet. I'll see you later. Or maybe I'll see you later.

Posted by TechGoddess January 1st at 12:00 a.m.


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