Sweeney Turd
The Demon Plumber of Feces Street
"Oh, there's no scent like that of London's." Anthony Poop breathed in the sweet aroma around him as he docked his ship in the London Port. "I have been to many a place and inhaled the fresh scents of the various landscapes from all around the world, but there truly is no scent like London's."
"You are young," Sweeney Turd interrupted. "Life has been kind to your nasal cavities. You will learn." Anthony's attention went straight to Sweeney. "The air may be the freshest and most wondrous, more than any other place on Earth, right here; but it's only a disguise masking the wretched stench of the underground! I too have voyaged across the lands and smelled it all, but as a plumber, I know what the true smell of any place is. They cannot hide their secrets from me. Alas, even the foul odours of American sewers cannot compare to London's."
"If the stench is so putrid, why would you want to come back here?" Anthony inquired.
"It's a long story, lad," said Sweeney.
"Oh, that's perfectly alright. I like long stories." Anthony gazed into Sweeney's eyes and smiled.
"Well as you know, I am a plumber. I have been infatuated with the art of plumbing since I was merely a wee tot. It was Christmas. I was about four years old, so my memory is quite fuzzy—but I remember my gift quite clearly. My parents had blessed me with a wondrous thing: a toolbox. I immediately acquired an obsession with fixing pipes. I was soon the best of the best, and by twelve, I quit school and started working full time as a plumber. However, my life was not all fine and dandy. Previous to the start of my career, some complications had arisen.
"I had a brother, you see. I had a father as well and a mother too, like any family should have—but not for long. I hardly remember my brother and father. I can recall the immense jealousy in my brother's eyes when I opened my present that Christmas morning. He had always wanted my plumbing tools, but I would never lend them to him. They were mine. They were my friends. Soon my dad walked out on us, taking my brother with him. That was the last I saw of either of them.
"I lived alone with my mum for ten more years, but she was no good at her job as a pie maker, so I was supporting the both of us. Plumbing started to become more of a duty rather than a hobby and there was too much pressure and stress, so I ran away to Africa. I was sweating in that living Hell for fifteen years. I lived as an orphan the entire time. I thought I'd love it there, but I didn't. There were holes in the ground--pathetic excuses for lavatories. The longing to plumb was starting to become unbearable when you showed up on your missions trip, Anthony"
"When I adopted you as my own!" Anthony exclaimed excitedly. "I am so glad I could help you out, Sweeney."
"And I'm glad you did. But, err... I must confess something to you. Look, my mum still lives here and I'd like to reside with her again. No offense to your or anything, but I really loved being your child for a few days. It was nice."
Anthony was very choked up and wept uncontrollably. "There, there," Sweeney comforted him. "You can still be my father if you really want to. Just come drop by to check in on me any time you like. I don't mind."
Anthony's face lit up. "Y-you really m-mean it, Mr. Turd?" Anthony stuttered. Sweeney nodded his head and took a step in the other direction, but Anthony grabbed a hold of his arm. "Where will I find you?"
"Around Feces Street, I wouldn't wonder."
"Till then, my son." Anthony bid him farewell and waved his hanky in the wind.
