Tears streaked down Todd's face as he stared blankly out the window. Snow carpeted the ground like a beautiful shawl, hiding the stark, frostbitten grass beneath it. What had it all been worth?
He moved slowly towards the closet, as if in a nightmare. He pawed sightlessly through old coats and dusty boots until he found what he was looking for.
With each breaking tear, a memory streaked down his face. He remembered Neil's radiant smile, illuminating his hopeless thoughts. His cheery laugh penetrated the stiff, crushing silence. But they were just that. Memories. Nothing more, and no more fading than a dream.
He gently fingered the thin, strong material that bent in coils, twisting interminably.
Each passing day with him had been nothing but joy. Neil had slowly, but nonetheless steadily, filtered meaning, essence, truth, into Todd's monotonous, straightforward life. He had showed him new paths, opened his mind to a world he never knew was there. His life had been a dull slate and Neil had been the one who had managed to paint a beautiful picture onto it using only a single piece of chalk.
It was strong, and steady, and powerful, and smooth; but fragile all at once; one mistake and it would break.
Todd had been changed. He had seen, tasted, the smallest morsel of an amazing life. A life full of days to be seized, and marrow, and richness and beauty. But it was just a taste. And just as easily, it had all been snatched away in one smooth, vicious, and secret stroke. Gone.
He made a neat loop, and tied it in a sure knot.
What was the point? Without the boy who gave him so much, the boy who loved him, the boy he had loved. What did he have to live for now? Keating and Charlie were gone, and Neil was dead. And there was nothing he could do about it. He would simply go on, not really living, just…existing as he always had before he found Neil. "Carpe diem" were nothing more than words now that the most important people in his life had been plucked out and tossed into the wind, like delicate daises. Seize the day. Yeah. What day was left for him to seize?
He tied the rope securely to an iron hook imbedded in the ceiling. As if it had been there all along, just for him.
He sighed one long, shaking sigh. I love you, Neil. Neil. Neil's voice seemed to resonate in his mind, but he couldn't make out the words.
He stepped onto a small bedside stool. He softly placed the loop around his neck, his hands quivering ever so slightly.
He remembered his one precious night with Neil. One night of love, and understanding, and bliss.
But just like everything else, just like his whole damned life, it was only a memory.
He gently nudged the stool, and it fell to the ground without a sound.
