Begin Chapter One: Nowhere To Go But Forward… At Least Until Something Better Comes Along
Forbidden thoughts run through my head, as time passes me by. I sit by the window, and I have no where to go. I sit and watch the stars, glowing brightly in themselves. I can't help it that their glorious beauty reminds me of him. 'No Jude. Don't go there.' But I have no where else to go. And now death doesn't seem so cruel. Latelymy mindhas been workingin a circle track. It goes back to things over, and over again. Like this song that won't get out of my head. Or him. He keeps coming back. Just popping up in random thoughts. Like this song. It's about him. Aren't they always?
Giving up is the only option. There is no way to conquer this. Heavy guilt lies on my shoulders, and I think I made him leave. I was too obvious. I was too in his face. I was too… Me.
Breaking free. My motto for now. I mean, how can you break free of your life? It's been 3 months since I turned 18, and I haven't left my room since he left. It was such a shock, such a daze I thought that we had a connection. That we were one. But no, he is too complicated. Too rich for my blood. And I'll always be part of the normality. Not trying to be anything that no one else is. God, it sucks to be normal.
Greeting myself each morning it front of the mirror. I haven't had human contact since he left, so I take to talking to myself. Most of the time, I'm writing. Playing my guitar and singing, just to hear my voice. I listen to Boyz Attack like a crazed fan girl, because I can't get enough of his voice. So sweet, like chocolate, but yet manly, and husky like he just woke up from bed.
No, I can't keep doing this… I need to get out, to get away…
But where to go…
I start pulling out maps, of Canada, and of the United States. Checking them out, searching for the right place, to hide for awhile...
Ah ha! There…
I pack a bag, and drive to the airport, where I leave my car a little ways away, and walk into the airport. I ask for a plane ticket.
To Aurora, Illinois.
End Chapter One
