I want ye to know me :)

Dear Steven

You're probably wondering why I'm writing ye this letter, especially now that we're living together, but I find it so hard talking about all this kind of stuff, ye know, feelings and that. I guess I've never really had to do it before, but I feel that ye deserve to know this; ye need to understand some things…ye need to understand me. The funny thing is at times I feel like I could tell ye anything, but when I try to speak, the words just don't come out and I'm back to that dark place again where I have no voice.

See that's what happened to me when I was eight years old…I lost my voice, along with my innocence and my right to be and feel like a normal little boy. I see myself that way sometimes, small and frightened with no one there to help me and when most kids are playing with their toys and having a bed time story, I'm living my worst nightmare that even sleep can't save me from. I remember feeling safe when Seamus returned home; I used to admire him, look up to him.

That was until he showed me his true colours and after that I never felt safe again. He had another side to him that he only showed me. He scared me so much that sometimes I'd be sick and wet myself out of fear. Every touch made me more and more ashamed, he said I deserved it and I believed him. Thinking about it now I wonder what I did that was so bad that I deserved being treated that way? To sexually abuse your own son, how could his disgusting actions ever be justified? To abuse me sexually wasn't enough for him though; the beatings, the control and the name calling were all to follow.

I've tried to escape him, I really have, but even now after all this time…there is no escape. I think of how I treated you and wonder if it's all related, not that I'm trying to excuse the way I treated you, but I didn't have the best role model and I for one, blame him. I will never forgive myself for what I put ye through. Ye know that it was never about ye and maybe that's why ye found it in your heart to forgive me.

The other day in the deli I wanted to tell ye, I tried to tell ye, but ye said we should just forget the past. I really want to…I just don't think I can. I infect people Steven, it's what I do and pretty soon I'll be infecting ye. Everything I touch turns to shit and I'm terrified of losing ye. I love ye Steven more than I ever thought possible, more than I've ever loved anything or anyone. Ye have always believed in me, stood by me when things got tough and I hope and pray that ye will always stand by me.

Ye are my life now and I never want to be without ye, ye give me a reason to smile every day and that's more than I've ever had before. I hope that now ye can understand me a little more, I hope ye can see that underneath the hard exterior, I'm just a screwed up mess who is desperately in love with ye. I am trying hard to let go of all the years of abuse, but I am finding it so hard with Seamus around. He teases me, even now and the minute he speaks to me I become that petrified eight year old boy again. I wish I could help him, Little Brendan, but no one can help him…it's too late now.

For the first time in my life I can see a future now ye are with me. I want us to be happy, I want ye to be proud of me the way I am proud of ye. Ye have given me more than ye will ever know and I thank ye, for ye have showed me what it's like to be loved…really loved and that is the best feeling in the world. Ye are amazing Steven Hay and the more I know ye, the more I love ye and now I think i'm finally ready... I want ye to know me.

Forever yours, Brendan xx

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