I've never fed this much.

There has never been a time when I fed off someone's blood three or four times a night.

I don't remember killing this many times. I've killed too close together, too frequently. It's dangerous. But I can't help it.

I'm scared I'm losing control, and I know why.

I've known since the night I called the girl by the wrong name. I'd thought I'd conquered it, that it was just more of the same, another girl I'd become quickly infatuated with. I assumed I'd lose interest very quickly, once it was all over and I'd moved on.

When you've been moving for over 400 years, you learn to get over individuals quickly.

Not this time.

For some reason, some inexplicable reason, I'd said the wrong name. Even though there have been so many, I've never called one by another's name- it shatters my disguise, brings up too many questions. This was even more dangerous, because of recent events.

I called her Kerry.

I don't think I would have noticed, had the girl not stopped me. I was too distracted by the curve of her neck, kissing her, luring her into comfort and pleasure so she wouldn't notice when I drew blood.

But she heard. She stopped me.

After that she was done, storming out of the bar with her friends.

She'd believed too many of my sugared words. Poor girl.

I had to grab a quick snack from a guy retching in the alley. You take what you can when you have to.

I would have been fine, but it didn't stop there.

I said her name again. I didn't realize it. It happened at least three more times. It was too dangerous, the way it felt so natural. I began taking more and more blood, and a part of me was repulsed at the part that took pleasure imagining it was her that I kissed so sharply. I found myself imagining her responses, replying to sarcastic jabs that I didn't hear.

It was too dangerous, I told myself. I had to get her out of my head.

I began to take multiple feedings per night. I killed more often, more recklessly. I was getting sloppy.

It's getting worse. I can feel this strange need I haven't felt since…since I was alive.

It scares me.

Because I know why I've been feeding so much.

I want her to join me, to be my companion, but so much more than what Regina was. I want to feel her and share an experience she has only felt in a dream.

All this killing, feeding, is just me trying to distance myself from her, to quench this feeling that has been growing steadily in me since we parted. But it isn't working.

It's because I'm not hungry.

I'm thirsty. For her.

…Kerry…