If Only

"If you have a choice what would you choose?"

: akima-yuki-chan (NerdWitch)

Author's notes: For a change, I made this drama novel which reflects different emotions in life. This also represents feelings that I've been hiding all my life. I hope I could touch the reader's heart through this story I made. Please bear with me. The places I used in this novel were all fictional.

Chapter 1: Alive

The ceiling was white, so pure that I thought I'm in heaven. The smell that lingered around where I was was like burning incense. I felt my breath, checking if I'm alive or not – I was breathing. I tried to move my hand but I can't. I moved some other parts of my body but it won't. I was paralyzed. I tried to utter a word but no words came out. My lips were dry as a dessert. I felt cold. I blinked which I found was the only thing I can do as of the moment. I heard footsteps coming towards me. Then, a voice said, "I see you're awake." Suddenly, I felt nervous and weak. I wanted to know who that person was but I don't know how. All I could see was the white ceiling.

The person beside me whom I recognized as a man from his husky voice was talking about things I'm unfamiliar with. Although, I was able to know that the place where I was, was a hospital and that I've been here for 3 months. He said that it's a good sign that I was able to wake up. He's a doctor maybe. He kept talking until finally I doze off to sleep.

Once again, my eyes opened. Still I'm trapped in this big white box. However, this time instead of smelling incense, I smelled perfume. It was not faint but not too strong either. Out of the blue, a face appeared in front of me. If only I could move, I would have jumped out of bed out of shock. "Hi," he greeted. His voice was so gentle. I bet he's different from the man I heard last time. I was able to look at his face carefully since he paused for several minutes staring at me. He's angelic with his crimson orbs, red lips and hair like the darkest night. His stare made me feel conscious about my appearance.

He smiled before going out of my sight. I would have smiled too but I was petrified. "I'm glad you're awake now," he said. I presumed he was organizing my medicines because I heard the soft clinks and clanks of bottles. "I'll just give you your medicine, okay? You need this for your full recovery," he informed. I was right. "By the way I haven't introduced myself to you yet. I'm Natsume," he told me. I listened to every word he says; silently wishing he won't stop talking. I know it's absurd but I found myself liking the sound of his voice. A few moments later, the door opened and closed again which means I'm alone again in this hostile place.

Exactly three months, 2 weeks and 4 days passed from the time I was first brought here. I heard from the nurses that I was found lying unconscious in a vacant lot near an abandoned house by some people in Ashville. I had bruises all over my body and a big wound in my head. My clothes were covered with dirt and were slightly tattered. The people who found me discovered nothing to help them know who I was. However, they did find a baggage full of clothes and nothing else. So they inferred that I ran away from home and met bad people on my way. But what really happened to me was still a mystery.

It was probably in the late afternoon when I woke up. To my utter surprise my hand moved on my command. I heaved a sigh. Finally, I could move. I reposition my head to the left. The curtain covered the vast window, protecting me from the sunlight. It was green. I liked it. There's also a white sofa set. I shift my head to the right and saw a tray of food on top of the table beside my bed. Right, it was lunch time already.

The door opened revealing a young man in white. He was tall with hair as dark as the night. I smelled a familiar scent. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled too. I was glad I wasn't frozen like a mannequin. "How are you?" he asked. Trough his voice and smell, I identified him as Natsume. "I'm fine, thank you," I answered. I was flabbergasted because I could speak now. His smile widen for an unknown reason. "I'm so glad to hear from you. Tell me, is your head aching?" he asked. I told him I'm not feeling anything unusual. After a few minutes, he helped me sit up. He told me I should eat so he prepared the food on the tray. He put the tray on the lower part of the bed. He sat down on a chair and scooped a spoonful of porridge from the bowl. "Here," he said spooning the porridge to me. "I can manage eating by myself really," I lied. The truth was I'm still weak to even hold something. I was just shy. "You can't. Look at yourself, you're still pale. For now, let me do this for you," he insisted. Obviously, I couldn't do anything so I timidly agreed. He fed me the porridge up to the last spoon. "Very good," he exclaimed, treating me like a child. Yes, it was childish but at least I felt like someone really cares for me.

Every day he did the same thing. He told me that he was my personal nurse so his time should be spent by taking care of me. But what confused me the most was that in these past few days, he didn't even asked about my life story. So…

"Hey, don't you think it's strange that you're taking care of me yet you don't even know my name?" I asked. He just raised his slightly thick eyebrows. "I mean, I know your name but you don't know mine. Don't you think it's unfair?" I added. He chuckled. "I see. That sounds ok. May I ask your name Miss?" he asked grinning. "Well my name is…my name is…" I trailed off, bemused. What was my name? I deeply thought about the answer to his forced question but I just couldn't seem to find it. I'm supposed to know my name, aren't I? But why couldn't I remember it?

I looked at Ivo with a puzzled look upon my face. "I-I-I d-don't know… what my n-name i-is…" I uttered completely staggered. "What? Are you sure?" he asked worried. I thought about my life; where do I live, who is my family, where did I come from. "Now that you mentioned it… I just can't seem to remember anything." I stated scared by the sudden revelation. I suddenly felt exposed. Out of the blue, a hand grasped mine. "It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry now. Everything's going to be alright," Natsume said embracing me. Tears poured down from my eyes continuously and my body shook from fright.

"What if I-I'm a bad person? That's why they found me wounded. What if people want me dead because I'm bad? What if my family doesn't want me? When I'm discharged from here, where will I go?" I cried.

"Shush… Don't think about that okay? What's important now is that you're alive. You still got me, see? I'm your nurse-friend remember? You can always count on me." He said. He pushed me gently and faced me. "It doesn't matter if you don't remember your past, God gave you another life and another chance to make new memories, so what matters most now is that you live your life and make memories that you will never forget. Don't waste the chance He gave you."

He's right. Weeping because of my loss memories won't help me. I should be strong. I wiped my tears and said, "Thanks, you're right. I shouldn't be like this. Instead I should think of what I'll do to survive. You really are a friend. Thank you." I hugged him tightly. I'm so glad Natsume's here.

~End~