A/N: I just want to say, my personal opinion is that I support Finchel and am not taking sides. I think they both have a lot they need to work on. However, yes this is in Finn's POV. I would ask that you please refrain from reviewing that you think he's a jerk or needs to grow up or anything. I'm just trying to get inside his head.

Anyway, I hope you like this. And thanks to all my fildos for putting up with my incessant angstmonster! And super thanks to Politics(dot)and(dot)Prose for offering her support and opinions.

Disclaimer: I don't own or profit from Glee. If I did, I wouldn't need to go to college.


It's dark. But Finn doesn't mind that so much. In fact, it's easier. Because when it's dark, he can still taste, feel, hear, and smell her, but he can't see her. See the way her lips would pout slightly when she's thinking hard or the way her eyes would get all bright whenever he'd say something she really liked. Or the way her eyes got all downcast and her mouth moved too fast and too much when she told him about her…mistake with Puck. He doesn't have to see all the lies poison heartbreak betrayal lies lies LIES that spilled from her lips over and over and over.

Being with her used to feel like music. Emotional and unpredictable and right. It makes sense, he thinks, considering they met over music. She was the only thing that ever made him feel more complete than music did.

He still remembers all the songs she sang with him and to him, duets or groups or solos. And all the songs he sang with her and to her, duets or groups or solos. And he really really remembers the important ones. The real ones.

It seems like a different lifetime now. They're different people. If Finn knew what a masochist is, he'd agree that's what he is. He must be.

Because he lets the memories through, lets the music come back to him. And because apparently his heart isn't broken enough (yeah fucking right) he starts at the beginning.

You're the One That I Want.

He hadn't known it then; all he'd seen was her crazy eyes. You're the one that I want to just take a few steps back.

If only it were that simple still.

You're the one that I want to get your heart shattered like mine got shattered.

Don't Stop Believin.'

Don't stop believing what? That there's a girl out there who's gonna love him enough to not betray him? Too late. There's no way he can ever love anyone as much as he loves —loved, he corrects himself. It's gotta be loved—Rachel. No one can break him more than she did.

Don't stop believing that when shit's bad it only gets worse? Well, maybe that's something he can commit to memory. Fuck, that's pathetic. But you know what? So is he. How fucking stupid can one person be? Seriously? If you get screwed over once, you're gonna get screwed over for the rest of your life 'cause everyone thinks you're too dumb to catch on. And apparently, he was too dumb to catch on. So now he's just gotta brace himself for more heartbreak and disappointment. He grits his teeth.

Hold on to that feeling. Which one? Love? Fuck that. It hurts too much. Loving her hurts even more than hating her. He doesn't want to hold on to that one anymore. It makes his head and chest and heart and everything just ache. Instead, he'll hold on to the feeling that at least now he knows. He knows this is the way it's always gonna be for him. He knows better than to let his heart get all tied up in a girl again, especially a girl with big soulful, brown eyes and a voice made of magic.

'Cause she'll rip your heart out, dude. So he'll hold on to that 'cause that's the kinda thing you need to know to get through life. Fuck believing.

Push It.

He can't believe he'd gone along with that. Actually he can. 'Cause he'd been so mesmerized by how smart pretty talented fucking honest (he grimaces) she was. But that was before. Before when he thought she was, like, real. And different.

Now he doesn't want to push anything except maybe himself off a cliff. But he doesn't even deserve that 'cause it'd been his own fault for being stupid enough to trust her. He doesn't deserve an easy way out, does he?

So now he's just pushing those thoughts to some other less fucked up part of his brain.

Somebody to Love.

This just seems like a joke now. Rachel showing up and saving the day and he being so grateful and glad and on his way to love for her and now it's like, why? What was the point of her saying she's looking for someone to love? More like someone to charm and enchant and destroy. But that just doesn't have the same kinda ring going on, does it?

Of course not.

Well, he'd wanted somebody to love too. Something more than Quinn and her crazy pregnancy hormones and flat eyes and bored tones. He'd really thought he'd found it too. Found her. The thing is, loving someone? It's obviously not enough. Nothing he gives is ever enough.

Can anybody find me somebody to love who won't turn my heart into a black hole? No.

Can anybody find me somebody to put me out of my misery?

No Air.

He knows how that feels. He knows just how that feels. But it's different. Before it was like there's no air without Rachel cause how was he supposed to survive without her? He just wasn't. But now he has to and there's no air in his lungs and he can't breathe with her or without her. She's not even here and she's still just choking and choking and dear God, Rachel let go of me because I don't want to be in your life anymore all the time.

It's like he'll never be free of her. Like Coach Sylvester lying and saying there's no fire, no emotion. 'Cause in that moment is was all fire and all emotion. Emotions maybe he wasn't ready to feel, but good and powerful all the same. Now it's all just hurt and backstabbing pain and things he doesn't know how to live with.

And sometimes, on good days, there's nothing. Maybe having no air is better because then he doesn't have to breathe in her scent.

Keep Holding On.

No. Invalid. What's he got to hold onto now? A handful of crushed dreams that all revolved around her and how he thought she'd be the only one to love him right? Yeah, no thanks. Jesus Christ. When is this ever going to end? He just thinks in circles and ellipses and all those never-ending shapes when all he wants is to get over her.

Because that's better than holding on to a lost cause, isn't it? Isn't it?

Lean on Me.

He remembers this. He really does 'cause even though Rachel wasn't the star, she was still the star. She was still all telling him that she's got his back. Obviously she meant she'll be putting a knife in his back once she got it. He just hadn't been smart enough then (or ever) to read between the lines.

He's got his own back now. Well, in theory. Sometimes (all the time) it feels like he can't even hold himself up anymore. And maybe they were all singing that song for him and Quinn back when he thought things would be all good with them, like he thought things would be all good with her.

But just like in everything, he'd been wrong. And if that's all he has to lean on, well pass.

You're the One That I Want.

Again. But then he'd known he wanted her and it was scary and she was scary and he backed away. Should've known to stick with his instincts. You're the one that I want but I can't have so I've gotta go away.

In hindsight, he should have just stayed away. Yeah, he would have missed all the banana bread and making out and feeling like he actually belonged somewhere. But he also would've missed all the gut wrenching heartbreak that came after.

You're the one that I don't want to think about anymore.

Imagine.

Does this one count? He thinks it does. 'Cause he'd sang with her right next to those deaf choir kids. And he'd been imagining. A future where he could be himself and everyone could just be who they are and no one cared either way. And she was in that future 'cause he'd wanted her to be. It'd been him and her, in this weird future world together and it didn't hurt as much to imagine then.

Now he just imagines what his life would be like if there were someone he could fucking trust.

The world can have all the damn peace it wants. It doesn't do shit for the chaos in his head, in his heart.

Imagine that.

Smile.

Yeah, well he really doesn't wanna do that. Funny she picked this song. It hadn't seemed relevant to anything at the time. But it sure as hell applies now. Why Rachel? Except he doesn't smile when she's in pain. He just doesn't smile period. There's no reason. Does he want her to be dead inside like him? Yeah, kinda. 'Cause she deserves it too, doesn't she?

Does it even matter? He doesn't even want to see her, miserable or otherwise. 'Cause it just makes everything so much harder. And God, there'd been so much sexual tension after that performance. All he'd wanted was to kiss her and kiss her and well, he'd always wanted to do that anyway, but still.

He'd been smiling. Just 'cause it was her.

He doesn't even know what that feels like anymore.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Obviously. 'Cause he wanted, like really wanted to be with her—like, for real. Forever for real. But that just can't happen now, can it? 'Cause he's messed up and she's…she's…he doesn't even know. And that only makes it worse 'cause he used to know everything about why he loved or loves, no wait, loved her. He remembers wanting to prove himself to her and to the team, but mostly to her. He'd gotten that, he was pretty sure.

Sometimes being special sucks, Mr. Schue had told him. That's true. And sometimes being special sucks out your goddamn soul.

Sometimes what you want doesn't mean shit. 'Cause yeah you can't always get what you want.

Even if it's maybe the only thing you've ever really wanted. Like, he wants to be able to close his eyes and not see her. He wants to be able to not hear her voice haunting his dreams every time he tries to sleep. He wants to not smell her on all his clothes no matter how much he washes him. And he just wants to say this never happened and it's all a dream and she never really broke his heart.

But that's kinda out of the question now, isn't it?

You can't always get what you want, even if it would fix everything.

My Life Would Suck Without You.

They were singing this for Mr. Schue, yeah, but there's a sentiment there still. They'd sang it as a group for the group. And his life did suck without Rachel in it.

Now his life just plain sucks.

Gives You Hell.

He remembers how shitty he felt when she sang that to him. How awful he felt that he'd let her down again.

What about me, Rachel? Did she think of how awful this would make him feel? Oh wait, she wanted to make him feel like shit! Congratulations! 'Cause it fucking worked! Why is he doing this to himself? Why is it when he feels like dirt he has to make it worse by thinking about it all the time?

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell.

Don't worry, Rachel. It does.

Borderline. Open Your Heart.

Oh God oh God oh God oh God. That's exactly what he'd done! Opened his heart to her. And look where it had gotten him! Lying on his bed in the dark on the verge of tears because she crushed out everything joyous inside him.

Stop playing with my heart.

Kinda ironic that she's the one who sang that, isn't it? 'Cause in the end, the joke was on him, wasn't it?

You're making such a fool of me.

Well, at least he'd been right on the money with that one. Of all the things to be right about!

Here's the thing: don't. Don't open your heart. All you'll get is it stolen away from you in the good way only to be stolen away from you in the bad awful betraying I don't ever wanna feel this way again way. And it's really not something you ever wanna feel.

He would know.

Like a Prayer.

It's kinda funny, you know? Like, he sorta thought of Rachel like his prayers having been answered. Especially when they got together for real. She just made him feel like everything was where and how it was supposed to be. And he just misses that. Almost as much as he misses her, but who's admitting that? Of course he misses when he was happy! So does every other person on the planet! It doesn't mean there's any way he can get it back.

Life's a mystery. Yeah, it is. But so are the people in your life. And seems like they're never a mystery in the good way. It's always one way they can fuck you up or another. He really doesn't like Madonna anymore; barely even sees her as smokin' or whatever he told Mr. Schue. 'Cause she just brings pain and stupid depressing emotions now. Just like everything else.

And it sucks 'cause he'd put that number together and he'd been so damn proud of it. And now he just resents it.

Figures.

Is it even fucking necessary to bring up Run Joey Run? 'Cause really, if he'd thought that kind of manipulation from her was bad…

Fuck.

Goddamn it, that song sucks. But he'd done it anyway 'cause they were friends and yeah, he'd wanted to show her how awesome he could be to and for her. Didn't matter then and it definitely doesn't matter now. Because obviously everything he had still wasn't enough.

It never is.

Total Eclipse of the Heart.

She'd looked so broken and sad and regretful when she sang it. He'd felt his heart clench painfully 'cause he'd wanted nothing more than to forgive her. Well, that's what he wants now, too, but it's different. Oh man, is it different. She'd just been lost and confused and obsessed with her reputation (which is something he can relate to) then. So he'd gotten over it.

But now? She's just cruel. So forgiving her? It's not really an option. At least not any time soon.

Turn around, bright eyes.

Jessie's Girl.

And here, ultimately, is his downfall. 'Cause he'd wanted her so bad. Not just in the sex way. But like, he just wanted her to be his everything. And if he hadn't bared his soul, then yeah he'd still be miserable. But not this miserable. Everything good he ever felt about her was poured into that performance. And yeah, so it wasn't subtle by any means. But you know? It worked.

He'd wanted and wanted and took and took and gave and gave and in the end, he was still a fucking idiot.

Glee's supposed to be about opening yourself up to joy, right? 'Cause he was really convinced that's what he was doing. Embracing his feelings and shit, trying to make her see. Maybe she and Jesse deserve each other after all.

Then again, the thought of her with someone else, anyone else, but especially that Jesse kid still puts bile in his mouth. And if he's gonna be miserable and dead and alone, so is she. 'Cause she did it to him as much as he's ever done it to her.

She's not Jesse's girl. She's not anyone's girl. Not anymore.

So why the fuck is her name still written all over his heart?

One.

Doesn't that kinda say it all?

Oh yeah, she definitely disappointed him. But it's not just that. People disappoint him all the time. But she's Rachel. She was supposed to be and stay the one constant bright spot in his life!

And for the record, Rachel, no it's not getting better. It probably never will. But that's life, isn't it? That's fucking lame, seriously.

You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.

Well, obviously. 'Cause if she wanted him to have love, she'd be here and with him and not a liar. And not a cheater and they can't carry each other anymore 'cause there's too much of everything between and behind them.

Too much weight on their shoulders. How can love be a higher law if no one, not even Rachel, abides by it? All the things that he used to think made some kind of sense to him just seem foreign now.

When all you got is hurt.

It's all either of them have now, isn't it? So much for being one.

Save for one big fucking mess.

Faithfully.

Lies lies lies lies. Don't cry, don't cry, don't fucking cry, you pussy.

But he does. He totally cries. 'Cause it's too much and not enough and that song it was just…everything there ever was between them. Doesn't she see?

They could have would have should have been forever. Forever and faithfully. But now it's just not gonna happen because you can't have forever and faithfully without the faithfully part. And without that, the forever means less than nothing.

If she, if he, if they're so nothing, why the hell does she still mean everything? It's not fair and it's not faithfully and he's just getting a goddamn headache.

He wipes at his eyes angrily, 'cause he needs to stop crying and being a pansy. But it's just so hard.

The rest of Regionals wouldn't have meant anything without that song and everything it meant to them. So yeah, she's loved or touched or squeezed another and it's just so wrong, and that, that's why he's stopped believing.

And then they'd had this whole blissful summer of singing whatever the hell they'd wanted and it kills him too much to think about.

The Only Exception.

Oh no. Oh, fuck. See, that song? It, like, made everything better. 'Cause she understood it and him. And if only this could be fixed with a pretty song in her pretty voice.

But it can't. Like when he had tears then it was 'cause everything was falling into place. But they're here now 'cause everything fell apart.

So now's gotta wonder, what's he the only exception to?

Don't Go Breaking My Heart.

This time, he's gotta laugh. Mirthlessly. 'Cause it's actually a little funny, in some sick twisted way.

She did break his heart. 'Cause actually she did try to. That song wasn't supposed to be just a fucking competition song! It was a statement. A promise.

Nobody told us.

Nobody told us that we'd sing this and it would all just be bullshit. Like everything always has to be in his life. Why couldn't she just keep one lousy promise? Was it a joke? Was he a joke? 'Cause it never seemed like it.

He'd always believed her. 'Cause he'd never had a reason not to.

Don't go breaking my heart.

That's all he wanted. Maybe it was too much.

With You I'm Born Again.

You know, he'd been really proud of coming up with that idea. And Rachel had been really proud of him too. He just wishes it made a fucking difference now.

Damnit, Janet.

Yeah, it was for a play. But the thing is, he could see it. He could see himself proposing and them getting engaged and living in their own little bubble of happiness forever.

He wants it. Wanted. It's what he wanted.

I love you.

Why doesn't that make everything better? Why can't it make everything better?

Marry You.

Why does this just get more and more painful as I go on? God, she'd looked beautiful. Breath-taking. And the way she'd looked at him when they were singing; it wasn't just words to them.

It was really hey baby, I think I wanna marry you.

I think I wanna be your everything for the rest of forever, Rachel. I really do.

It just feels like a broken promise now. Because how can he be her everything forever when he couldn't be enough for her after less than a year of dating?

He'd loved the way it felt to dance with her and show her off in front of the whole wedding. It was awesome. Look, here's my girl and one day, that's gonna be us up there. I just know it.

But he guesses he actually didn't know it or he just knew wrong. Wouldn't be the first time, but that really doesn't make him feel any better.

Hey baby, I think I wanna find a way to get over you.

Just the Way You Are.

Finn's not always as stupid as people think he is. Yeah, he picked the song for Kurt and to show Burt that he was cool with stepping up to be Kurt's brother.

But the song was about everything. 'Cause at that point, Rachel had been perfect the way she was. And the love he felt for her was all warm and stupid girly shit like that, but it didn't matter.

'Cause when she was perfect like that, it made him feel perfect or as close as he's ever gonna get to perfect the way he is.

And now the way she is just breaks his heart every time he looks at her or sees her staring longingly in his direction. That's the worst really, it's the fucking worst. 'Cause he's messed up like he's never been and that's the way he is, but God, he doesn't wanna be.

It just…happened.

He wants to forget. But it never happens. Just like him and Rachel getting married will never happen.

It sucks ass.

Last Christmas.

The worst part about this song is that he'd told himself not to sing 'cause if he did he'd get sucked in.

Then he did it anyway 'cause he's an idiot and even though she wrecked him, he still has a tendency to fall for her. And all her little tricks and whatever. Truthfully, last Christmas sucked.

He'd never anticipated that this one would be worse. Oh boy, would it be.

And yet…they'd sounded awesome. That's not really a consolation though 'cause it's just like life saying fuck you. Like he doesn't already know he and Rachel have this amazing musical chemistry.

A small part of him hopes it's the last duet they ever have to sing together.

The other part says you better get used to it.

'Cause as he's lying on his bed in the dark trying not to see her and trying not to let their history or musical compatibility get to him, he realizes the worst/best thing ever.

Getting over Rachel Berry isn't going to be tough or long or a process.

It's not gonna happen.


Thanks so much for reading!

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