Macbeth Parody
Scene 1:
[Kutner and Amber in a room with hazy walls]
Kutner: Amber! We must go bother House.
Amber: When Kutner?
Kutner: After he solves his next case.
Amber: And admits his love for Lisa Cuddy.
Kutner: Aren't they dating?
Amber: Yeah, but he can't man up enough to admit his feelings.
Kutner: Where shall we meet?
Amber: Near the fireplace at his home.
Kutner: But Wilson lives with House.
Amber: Are you dumb? Wilson will be drunk and think he has gone completely insane after a night out with House. He will think we are a really realistic dream.
Kutner: You just want to see Wilson again.
Amber: He has been talking to me every night.
Kutner: You're a freak… long live House, doctor
Amber: Long live Gregory House! Diagnostician.
Kutner: Long live House, only lead diagnostician.
Amber: Are you drunk?
Kutner: I don't drink. Anything. I'm a hallucination.
Scene 2:
[Cameron and Foreman, in the conference room]
Cameron: House is just about to cure his patient.
Foreman: Really? That's like his 8th solved case this week… He's on top of game.
Cameron: I know it's weird… he finished his clinics too…
Foreman: Maybe we should re-hire him…
Cameron: We would have too many people.
Foreman: Don't be dumb. Fire Charles, the replacement of House that has done jackshit this whole week.
Cameron: Okay, Chase and I will deliver the news to House.
Scene 3:
[House and Wilson walking down hallway in hospital]
House: You ready for a night full of drunken festivities?
Wilson: Sure, I've got nothing better to do with my time…
House: There's that chick in pediatrics you seem to like so much.
Wilson: House, there is nothing going on between us, I just invited her along to get to know her better.
House: Getting to know her better… naked!
Wilson: That is not my intentions. But I would take that opportunity if it comes.
House: You and your hidden innuendos.
Wilson: Why isn't Cuddy coming along?
House: She has a meeting.
Wilson: Aren't you going to watch her every move tonight to make sure her date doesn't go well.
House: It's another woman, and if they were doing anything, that would just be hot.
Wilson: Whatever, let's go.
……………………..
House: So you going to CL's house?
Wilson: Who is CL?
House: Canadian legs.
Wilson: Her name is Jennifer, and yes.
House: SCORE!
Wilson: We are just having a bite to eat together.
House: Sure… SCORE!
Wilson: You told Cuddy you loved her today.
House: Sure did, aren't you proud of me? I'm growing up. I'm a big kid now!
[Enter Amber and Kutner]
Wilson: You can't be serious
House: Lookie here Wilson, this is what it feels like to be crazy.
Wilson: …..I'm really drunk aren't I?
Scene 4:
[Cameron, Foreman and Thirteen in conference room]
Cameron: Did you fire lazy guy yet?
Foreman: Yes, the team is ready for House.
Cameron: No one is ever actually ready for House.
Foreman: Ready as we will ever be.
[House enter with Chase]
House: Oh hello there your majesty, to whom do I owe this honor?
Foreman: Cut the shit House, we want to hire you back on the team, officially.
House: Oh Yippee!
Foreman: You are still not lead diagnostician, I make the calls.
House: Oh damn. Its okay, I didn't actually want to be lead.
Foreman: Don't lie. Well whatever, even if I'm gone, Remy Hadley would become lead.
House: Why Thirteen? She doesn't do anything.
Cameron: She most certainly does do things.
House: Irrelevant to your affair with each other.
Cameron: I'm not having an affair. You know I'm married.
Chase: I know.
Foreman: Hadley is still next in line.
House: Did you know Thirteen was in the room?
Thirteen: Howdy House, thanks for announcing my presence.
House: No problemo.
Scene 5:
[Cuddy in her office]
Cuddy:
Dearest Lisa,
I miss the twins, keep them perky for me. I think I hallucinated again, I saw Kutner and Amber, but Wilson was with me. They kept saying things about me being lead diagnostician, but I was plastered so it's not something to be worried about. Foreman claims Thirteen is going to be next in line to head the crew. I think I'm just about ready to lead again, I know you can't put me as lead and remove him without cause though. I'm not asking you to; I just wanted to inform you on my daily conquest, ill see your giant ass tonight.
Love,
Greg
[enter nurse from front desk (Brandon)
Brandon: Foreman just left a message; he would like to meet with you and House. Also, he wants a raise.
Cuddy: Thank you Brandon.
[Exit Brandon enter House]
Cuddy: I got your little post-it note or should I say… Post-its?
House: Aren't they the niffitiest little things?
Cuddy: Foreman wants to eat lunch with us.
House: Oh that sounds like a lot of fun!
Cuddy: Be nice, it won't last long. He wants to congratulate you for doing a good job, and he wants to beg me for a raise.
Scene 6:
[Cuddy, House and Foreman at Lilli's Restaurant]
Foreman: Hey! Thanks for joining me for lunch.
House: Mhmm… I'm hungry.
Cuddy: Thanks Foreman.
…..
Foreman: Alright, well while they are preparing our food, I'd like to say this, Congratulation House, you have made a huge recovery, not only at work, but you have made a big step with finally making a move on Cuddy and giving a relationship a chance.
House: …. Thanks.
Scene 7:
[House and Cuddy, Cuddy's car on the way back to the hospital]
House: …That was nice of him.
Cuddy: Yes, well… I think you should be number one diagnostics again.
House: I don't deserve you.
Cuddy: We just need to get you to out smoke Foreman.
House: What about Thirteen?
Cuddy: With Foreman gone, she shouldn't be a problem.
House: okay, I'll see what I can do
…..
House: I don't think Foreman will be a problem anymore.
Cuddy: How'd you do it?
House: OD'd a patient on morphine. Foreman is held responsible.
Cuddy: Maybe we shouldn't have gone about it in this way.
House: Don't start feeling Guilty now. Foreman isn't even gone yet.
Cuddy: A patient is dead because of us.
House: Not us, me.
Scene 8:
[Cameron, Foreman, Thirteen and Chase in conference room]
Cameron: I don't understand how he died.
Thirteen: We will figure out in autopsy.
Foreman: I'm going to be fired.
Chase: Who will take the lead now?
Foreman: Technically Thirteen.
[Enter House]
House: Did you misdiagnose? This patient wasn't supposed to die yet.
Foreman: He was in pain, I prescribed morphine and now he's dead.
House: Did you prescribe too much?
Foreman: No, there is no way.
[Enter Cuddy]
Cuddy: Why do we have a dead patient? I thought you said you were curing him. What happened?
Foreman: We were curing him; I'm not sure what went wrong.
House: We can start autopsy now to find out.
Scene 9:
[Chase and Cameron, diagnostics room.]
Chase: It was an overdose.
Cameron: On his morphine?
Chase: Yes, and since it was prescribed by Foreman and applied by Thirteen, both their jobs are gone.
Cameron: Who's taking over?
Chase: House, who else?
Scene 10:
[Wilson, oncology unit]
Wilson: Hmmm… what a strange turn of events, The hallucinations from when House and I were drunk were correct, He is back to being Lead Diagnostician. I wonder if House did this purposely.
[Enter House and Cuddy]
House: Wilson, would you care to join us for dinner?
Cuddy: We would just love to have a sit down.
House: Cuddles, you sound like you're from the 50's.
Wilson: I would love to join your family.
Cuddy: Tonight at 7.
Scene 11:
[House and Cuddy waiting for Wilson at Cuddy's House]
Cuddy: How are you going to insure Wilson doesn't suspect anything?
House: We convince him otherwise
Cuddy: No shit House, how?
House: I'm not sure yet.
Scene 12:
[House, Wilson and Cuddy, at Cuddy's home eating]
Wilson: Thanks for having me over for dinner, so what's the occasion?
House: We wanted to discussing me being Lead Diagnostician again.
Wilson: Oh yes, was Foreman arrested?
Cuddy: We don't find it necessary.
Wilson: I see, well, it's such a coincidence Foreman and Thirteen make that mistake after our little run in with the Amber and Kutner apparitions.
House: Wilson…
Wilson: I just think it's unfortunate.
Cuddy: Wilson, I can assure you, the death of the patient was entirely Foreman and Thirteen's doing.
Wilson: I understand, you have my full defence.
House: We just wanted to make sure it was pure coincidence.
Scene 13:
[House, Kutner, and Amber in House's bedroom]
House: I best not be going crazy again.
Amber: Nope, just wanted to congratulate you on becoming lead diagnostician.
Kutner: That's a big deal.
House: Not really…
Kutner: Whatever… so what about Thirteen and Foreman?
House: You tell me.
Amber: Okay. Well Foreman and Thirteen were fired, Cuddy made you lead diagnostician, and they can't be hired at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital.
House: No… They can't be hired anywhere.
Kutner: No! They can, and will…..
Amber: That's enough Kutner!
House: Is my job secure?
Kutner: Yeah unless the board gets rid of Cuddy, and the building is destroyed.
House: Well, the board loves Cuddy too much to fire her.
Kutner: Just don't shit in anyone's cheerios.
House: Okay, bye bye, don't come back.
Amber: Gladly.
Scene 14:
[Foreman and Chase, at a bar]
Foreman: What are you doing here?
Chase: I don't like that House is back in charge.
Foreman: He's a good doctor.
Chase: You are too.
Foreman: No, I kill my patients.
Chase: It's irrelevant, one patient dying doesn't make you a bad doctor.
Foreman: I don't know what happened.
Chase: I believe you.
Foreman: I can't help but think House had something to do with it.
Chase: Yes. Makes sense.
Foreman: He must've marked down extra morphine.
Chase: For sure.
Foreman: We have to get rid of him. He's dangerous.
Chase: How Cuddy's there.
Foreman: I don't know.
Scene 15:
[Foreman and Cameron, Foreman's front door]
Cameron: Foreman! I have good and bad news, which do you want first?
Foreman: Good.
Cameron: You got a job at Plainveiw hospital.
Foreman: Bad?
Cameron: Thirteen's in the ICU, she stroked.
Foreman: Huntington's wasn't supposed to hit yet… not this hard.
Cameron: She had a pill slipped into her drink. It degraded her already terrible health, faster.
Foreman: House.
Cameron: He wouldn't hurt her.
Foreman: He must've implied someone else.
Scene 16:
[Nurse and Doctor, outside Cuddy's office]
Nurse: Cuddy seems uptight.
Doctor: She is usually.
Nurse: No I mean, stick up the ass, uptight.
Doctor: What's she doing?
Nurse: She's running around manically in her office looking for something, and whenever I ask her what it is she is searching for, she says 'nothing' and continues to search.
Doctor: Let's go see for ourselves.
….
Cuddy: Where is it?
Doctor: Where is what?
Cuddy: Nothing…
Nurse: Do you need help?
Cuddy: I can't find the plans for the new hospital wing.
Nurse: Want me to help you look?
Cuddy: NO!
Doctor: anything else?
Cuddy: nope
Doctor: You sure? Because the plans are on your desk.
Cuddy: Yes! I'm sure.
Scene 17:
[Foreman, Chase, Cameron, in Thirteen's hospital room]
Foreman: Do you think she will be okay?
Chase: Eventually, she's making a rather quick recovery.
Cameron: I wonder who would slip her Rophynol.
Foreman: House… Someone House knew.
Chase: Lucas?
Cameron: Maybe… Lucas would do anything for a little money.
Foreman: That's because he is an addict.
Cameron: We have to figure out what happened.
Chase: I agree.
Scene 18:
[House and Cuddy, Cuddy's office]
Cuddy: They are here.
House: Who?
Cuddy: Thirteen and Foreman… they were in my office.
House: That's odd.
Cuddy: Why is Thirteen here as a patient?
House: I don't know.
Cuddy: House… don't lie to me.
House: Lucas, I hired him to roofie…
Cuddy: Enough! Why?
House: It makes her Huntington's symptoms magnify.
Cuddy: Will she be okay?
House: Eventually. Now stop looking so guilty.
Cuddy: …
Scene 19:
[Foreman and Lucas, House's office]
Foreman: Who hired you?
Lucas: No one.
Foreman: $2000 to tell me who.
Lucas: House.
Foreman: ARG! (throws model of hospital onto the ground shattering it to pieces.)
Lucas: I'll go now.
Scene 20:
[House, entering office]
House: Foreman won't get me fired. My job is safe. (notices model in pieces on the floor) oh shit. Hospital… crashing down… coincidence.
[enter Foreman]
Foreman: Cuddy quit. I'd suggest you go to the board. I'm lead. Hope you have a nice life. I'm not pressing charges, but you'll get your medical license confinscated. You have enough money, go out and start a family together. I know you'd like to.
House: What about Thirteen?
Foreman: Mini-stroke helped with her resistance to Huntington's in the long run, you helped.
House: Thanks I guess.
Scene 21:
[Board and House in meeting room]
Board: You do understand you can't practice medicine anymore right?
House: Yep, early retirement.
Board: Okay…
House: By the way, Boss-lady… well ex-boss-lady , and I have been sleeping together for a while now.
Board: Wha-
House: Have fun, BYE!
