Hi guys, I'm Ludra90! Some of you probably know me for seeing me lurking around the site reviewing some stories… now I believe is the time to post something myself!!
Although, the beautiful following fanfiction is NOT a work of mine, but the one of my dear friend Andy Grim, who kindly allowed me to translate it.
Hell right! My role in this is to translate his Italian fanfiction to all of you, since I think it's such a brilliant work!
Quoting Andy Grim's words I shall warn you that "The secret story of the S.I.S.A.S.'s" is surely a very different kind of story than the classic "run-around-asking-girl-fly-around-zapping-him" ones. But please, give it a try! You won't be disappointed!
One last thing…ehm…I'm not a native English speaker, so my English may be not so fresh and perfect, so please don't be too harsh with me! XD
I want to give a special thank you to my friend-sempai Crazyjw18 who supported me in doing this and, obviously, to Andy Grim who made it possible!!
Urusei yatsura and its characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. There are few characters from Mr. Grim's imagination. Do not use this story without my/his permission.
"Men always want to be a woman's first love.
Women have a more subtle instinct about things. They like to be a man's last romance."
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
"I want to be free from a girl, because I want to keep loving her"
Ataru Moroboshi (from the movie Beautiful Dreamer)
Introduction
This tale means to answer a question that surely crossed the mind of all the fans of the Urusei yatsura saga: how could the most lecherous man of all the universe (in the world Ataru Moroboshi) refusing all the advances made to him by his forced consort (in the world Lum) with the hope to induce him to consummate their relationship and so having him up against the wall?
First off, we need to define precisely that the decision of the Moroboshi's Organic Council to never overstep a purely platonic relationship with the "Oni princess", was based mainly on three fundamental considerations:
Fewer (head of the Cerebral section) feared that, taking her virginity away, Moroboshi
wouldn't have the chance to "gain time" anymore and he would be forced to officially marry her, even before of being sure of his feelings.
Simons (head of the Neurologic section) wanted to show Miss Lum that her "Darling" wanted to preserve his freedom, even if that meant to refuse her cares. Besides, that's for sure by now, he wanted make her understand that Moroboshi considered her above all the other women and that he sought much more than just sex from her…!
Percival (head of the Genetic section) feared, most of all, an electric jolt during the intercourse that, reaching the brain from the member through the spinal cord, might have caused irreparable damages, death not excluded!
In vain his colleague of Lum's Genetic went to a great deal of trouble to explain him the gynaecological safety circuits would prevent every shock during the sexual activity: without this precaution how could the Oni race reproduce? Although Percival preferred to stay wary …!
Although, managing to keep a purely platonic relationship with such a female, in which beauty and sensuality were amalgamate in an explosive mix (even supplemented by the scantily clothing) was theoretically unthinkable for any male of the human race (earthling or not) let alone the most lecherous man of all the universe (Moroboshi was so recorded on the computer of the Uru Information Center: that same Computer that – they would have us believe that – had chosen him randomly)!
Lum managed to steal some "electric kiss" from her "hubby" and shift from the A to the C(1) would be just a matter of time! So, the head of the Sensitive section, Jerry Humper, was called by the Coordinator (or rather by A1) and it was a colloquy that left him appalled…practically they were asking him to transform the super-lecherous Ataru Moroboshi in a phlegmatic British lord, every single time he would found himself alone with his wifey…!
The poor guy retired himself for days, until at last…flash of genius or demonic inspiration (…), Jerry Humper conceived, designed and realized the notorious SISAS device, whose name was just the acronym of "Sensual Impulse Selective Auto Shunter".
And now, here's finally told the whole story…!
1) Physical intercourse classification with the opposite sex: A=kiss, B=petting, C=intimacy or full intercourse; it does exist also the D (pregnancy) that simply defines the possible consequence of the C intercourse.
The Secret Story of the S.I.S.A.S.'s
Chapter 1: "What's that thing?"
"Damn it! Aren't we done yet…? I'm worn out!"
"Hold on a bit longer, Rusty: we're almost finished."
"I really hope it…these damned inspections to the receptor circuits kill you!"
"You know well they're necessary. Sure, if our friend would be a little quieter specimen…"
"Yeah…no human being would be able to wear out the coronary arteries as that damn pervert does. Just our luck, of all the people we had to get this debauched to take care of…!"
"Each man has his own destiny…just like every organic complement of his, anyway!" the older of the two commented, stopping to examine a quadrant that indicated the state of life of a nerve cell. He noted down something on the chart he pulled out of his lab coat and added: "Ok this one's done too. Come on, let's go!"
"Slow down a bit, for God's sake! My feet are killing me, with these damned safety boots."
The workmate nodded tiredly - his feet ached as well - and let his gaze lingering on the writing that stood out at irregular intervals upon the wall of the nerve passage:
DO NOT LEAN IN : SUDDEN ELECTROCUTIONS DANGER
"Another strict necessity." He sighed, resigned.
"Yeah, but I really wish to know why the Cerebral demands for us to wear them 24 hours a day…!"
"Brad Fewer knows what's what. And you know too those shocks could come in any moment."
"Even when those two stoned are sleeping?"
"Of course: try to think what would happen if Ataru started talking in his sleep, dreaming about some missed prey… if she, who sleeps so lightly, heard him, she wouldn't think twice!"
"So how long all this is going to last, boss? In any case, after the El planet thing, that jerk couldn't deceive no one anymore. The degree of the Relational Coefficient is clear: he's madly in love with her!"
The workmate and immediate superior, slapped an hand over his mouth: "Shut that mouth of yours, you irresponsible fool! If the Coordinator heard you, he'd kick both of our asses, don't you see?"
I only see we're acting out of every logic: we're uselessly hurting her and the staff is on the verge of a blue fit. All my colleagues are of the same mind!"
"Taking decisions on the conduct of a life is not a duty of the organic team. Only the interested individual can do that."
"And to think that if he had had a bit more of courage…he could quite pronounce it, that damned 'I swear'!"
We tried Rusty, but everything happened way all of sudden(1): he couldn't be already ready. You'll see one day he will."
As long as that tiger bikini-clad stakhanovite doesn't get tired and dumps him before of that. Frankly, I don't think Ataru would survive…!"
"And she wouldn't either. No, I believe that by now we are on a turning point of their relationship. I don't know, but I feel something is going to happen!"
"Like what?"
"Well…" the organic complement Hugh Simons, head of Ataru Moroboshi's Neurologic section, suddenly shifted his attention on a suspicious humming sound he heard in that moment and, all of sudden…
"Rusty: LOOK OUT…!!"
With a blistering move he floored his workmate, just in time to avoid for him to be swept by a bulky object falling from above. Once the panic and the crash stopped, the two realized to be in front of a complex cylindrical device with several squared bulges lying, battered and smoking, on the floor. The stumps of the nerve ducts that connected it when it was in place, chopped by the fall, were sparkling and sizzling…
"Are you alright, Rusty…?" Simons asked, wiping at his sweaty forehead.
"Yeah, yes…I'm fine…fright aside. But…what's that thing…? Heck, it could even kill us!" he approached it.
"Stay back, do not touch it: it could be dangerous!"
"I wonder what the hell is it…I've never seen a devilment like this before. May it be an adrenaline accumulator?"
The head-section turned to him; his face turned pale.
"No" he answered, with slight trembling voice "it's a SISAS…!"
Hugh Simons had knelt down on the strange device that almost swept them.
He had pulled out of his pocket a device that, apparently, seemed to be a magnetic fields detector and was anxiously observing the data that were appearing on the instrument's display.
"So, boss" his colleague said "Do you mind explaining me what's this damned thingamabob that almost bumped off us supposed to be? How did you call it? SIF…SIS…"
"SISAS" the other answered, still deep in his observations "that's incredible…I thought that the anchorage bolts gave away for the weight, but it's not like that: the matter disintegrated in that point. This shunter is completely collapsed!"
"A shunter? You mean this instrument is a bypass?"
"Exactly: this thing is one of the 13 bypasses we planted around, almost four years ago."
"And what they had to bypass?"
The head-section of the Neuro stared at his workmate for long while, with a hint of an enigmatic smile on his face: "It's sad when a responsible has to omit an important affair from his immediate collaborators, Rusty…but this whole thing was top-secret: only the heads of the Cerebral, the Sensitive, the Neuro and the Genetic sections were in the know."
"Of the Genetic section…? The young complement widened his eyes "Don't tell me these shunters had to limit the sexual currents?!"
"That's right: SISAS means Sensual Impulse Selective Auto Shunter(2). They served to avoid for Ataru Moroboshi to lose control, at the right moment!"
Rusty burst out laughing: "That was really good…! Since we're in the body of the most lecherous man of all the universe, I wouldn't say these SISAS's had worked so well, isn't it? Ah, ah, ah…!
"You're very wrong, Rusty: they had worked way too well: Miss Lum's virtue, still intact, proves that!"
Rusty immediately stopped laughing and Simons continued on "Did you ever ask yourself, my boy, why the most lecherous man of all the universe never pounced on his exuberant bride? How could he resist her amorous proffers? Why this interplanetary marriage hasn't been consummate yet?"
"You…you mean that those bypasses served to…to…"
"That's correct, Rusty: they served not making them jumping into bed!"
"But…but why…?"
Instead of answering Hugh Simons turned away from his appalled assistant and approached a nearby communicative terminal: "Simons to Immunitary: it's urgent the recovery of a collapsed ASD in the passage 26. 1st priority." He hung up the communication and addressed his collaborator again "Cheer up, my friend: didn't I say something was going to happen? You'll see that your worries about Miss Lum's happiness stop soon!"
"What that means, boss…?" the other asked with curiosity and anxiety mixed up in his voice.
But the superior just went away, waving his hand.
NOTES:
1) Here they refer to the events told in the full-length film Only you from 1983.
2) Many times, for concision, they were also called ASDs (anti-seduction device).
