Author's Note: Well! Well, well, well! Well... Looks like we're back. Sort of. In case you haven't notice, Calvin and Hobbes: the Series hasn't been updated regularly in some considerable time. That is because, despite your pleading and whining and death threats, we have been busy with various things that when put together creature a substance called, "real life". We have been busy with work and college and various other things. Swing123 has been too busy to post stories, and lately, he's been too busy to write stories as well.
However, neither of us wanted to leave the Series unfinished, so, as I have a little extra time on my hands, I shall be taking care of posting stories. I shall try to post them semi-regularly. We have decided to forgo all the extra stories we had in mind, and we are now working to finish the Season Five finale. There will be no Season Six. We are at work on the rewritten version of Lost at Sea, which is coming along very nicely. Hopefully, after Season Five is completed, there will be more one-off stories that will eventually bring the series to an end.
Thank you for your patience. Please enjoy the remainder of Season Five.
Socratesland
It was a dull morning in Sherman's lab.
Right now, the little hamster was staring at one of his experiments, waiting for it to do something worth writing down.
The experiment was rather simple. He was trying to determine whether or not hydrogen could become helium by rearranging the molecular structure.
Trouble was, it took a very long time.
Sherman stared at the beakers and flasks for a very long time, as a result of this.
While he was busily staring at it, the intercom nearby buzzed and Andy's voice rang out through the lab.
"Shermie, it's lunchtime," he announced.
Sherman reached over and pressed the button. "I'll have it down here."
"Sherman, you haven't been up here in three days. I have to insist, as your friend and pellet-giver, that you come upstairs and socialize with someone."
"I have no need for social activities. I am a man of science."
"You're a hamster with next to no friends, is what you are. Now get up here and join society."
"But I need to work on this experiment!"
"What the heck is this experiment?"
"I'm trying to turn hydrogen into helium."
There was a pause over the intercom.
"Why the heck would anybody need to do that?!" Andy demanded.
"Because the world is running out of helium and I'm their only hope of finding a solution!"
"Oh, for pity's sake, you watched that episode of The Daily Show, didn't you?"
"Party balloon prices are going skyrocket unless I do something!"
"But you haven't even done anything! You're just sitting there staring at test tubes and beakers!"
"I'm waiting for inspiration, dang it!"
"Shermie, I… I… We… Will you get up here? We live in the same house and we're communicating through an intercom!"
"Just bring my meal down here. Goodbye."
And with that, Sherman cut the link to the upstairs, surely to Andy's great annoyance.
Sherman then resumed glaring at the test tubes.
Just then, he heard a noise coming from the main computer.
Sherman snapped his fingers, pretending to be annoyed. "Oh, and I almost had it," he deadpanned.
Turning around, he jumped onto a swivel chair that was located beside the desk he sat upon and, using the momentum, rolled across and span around to face the giant monitor. He jumped up onto the console and began typing commands into it.
It was at that moment the door to the lab slid open and Andy stormed downstairs with his hands wrapped around a plate of food. He came down the spiral staircase and headed for the desk with the test tubes.
"Okay, Your Royal Highness, here's your lunch," he grumbled.
But he saw the desk was vacant now. He looked around.
"Shermie, where are you?" he asked.
"Andy…"
Andy turned and saw Sherman staring up at the screen that loomed over them.
On the screen was a picture of Socrates, and there was an arrow pointing at his head with a skull and crossbones on it.
"Sherman, what's happening? Why is there a giant picture of Socrates on your screen?"
"I'm afraid lunch will have to wait," Sherman replied with a grave expression. "Call up Calvin and Hobbes. There's a problem."
Andy stared at him. "You know, you could just answer my question," he said in a bored tone, but he turned and headed back upstairs anyway.
Sherman just kept staring at the readouts on the screen, looking contemplative.
Calvin and Hobbes were at home, both up in his room and around his desk.
"Okay, so how about this one?" Calvin asked, pointing at the next math problem.
"Let's have a looksy," Hobbes said, looking at it closely.
6 + 9 =
"Hmmm… Yeah, this looks like a fiddly one," he remarked. "Okay, in order to solve this one, we need to determine the incoherent variable first."
"The what?"
"The incoherent variable, which is technical jargon for 'illogical number'."
"How do we find that?"
"Well, first you have to determine the number of times each number can go into each other. Nine is greater than six, so it can't be used that way, but six can fit into nine at least once. We write down a 1 beneath the 9 and subtract it, giving us 8. That is the incoherent variable."
"So now what do we do?" Calvin asked, writing it down.
"Now we need to add 8 and 6. To do this, we need to try and get the rough percentage of the variable. We do this by adding a decimal point in front of the 8. Now we subtract it from 100, and we get 99.2. Now you add 6 to that, and we get 105.2."
Calvin stared at him. "Six plus nine equals one hundred five point two?"
"Correct."
Calvin stared at everything he'd written down before glaring up at Hobbes.
"You know, maybe I should start asking MTM for help with this," he said.
"Hmph! Who're you going to get better answers from, a machine or an experienced tiger?"
"Hobbes, this is math."
"Point?"
Just then, MTM started beeping.
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
"Ooh, speaking of the electronic pancake," Hobbes muttered.
Calvin rolled his eyes and slid the MTM over to him. He popped open the top and spoke into the grill inside.
"Hello?"
"Calvin, it's Andy."
"Hey, Andy, what's going on?"
"You're not to busy right now, are you?"
"Well, I'm trying to do my homework. What do you need?"
"I need you and Hobbes to come down here. Sherman says there's an emergency, and it seems to involve Socrates."
Hobbes' head finally came up.
"Okay," Calvin said. "We'll be right over."
Calvin closed the MTM's top and pocketed him as he stood up to go.
"Come on, Hobbes. Let's see what the problem is."
"What about your homework? Your mom said we couldn't leave the house until it was done."
"Hobbes, this is far more important than homework."
"How do you know? Maybe Sherman's overreacting. You know how's been about the so-called 'helium crisis'."
"If Sherman is showing genuine concern for Socrates, then it must be serious. Let's motor."
Calvin climbed up on his bed and opened the window. He reached down behind his bed and pulled out a readymade rope made from bed sheets. He threw them down the side of the house and prepared to get going.
"Wait, we're going out the window?" Hobbes asked.
"Yeah, we don't need Mom slowing us down."
"You think she'd try to stop us from helping our friends?"
"Right now, Mom's waiting for the day she can buy a bumper sticker that says, 'I'm the proud mother of a six-year-old honor student'. I think she might."
And with that, Calvin started climbing down the bed sheets.
Hobbes followed after him. "It's a sad time when adults need to broadcast the achievements of their children on their fenders."
A few minutes later, Calvin, Hobbes and Andy were standing in Sherman's lab. The hamster was wearing a tiny pair of glasses as he went over some papers he'd printed out.
"So what's the problem with Socrates?" Calvin asked.
"Well, I've received an automatic alert from his transmitter / receiver chip," Sherman explained. "There seems to be a fault with it."
"Wait, I thought you said that after the last time you replaced, we wouldn't have anymore faults with it," Hobbes said. "Remember, when it malfunctioned and he was picking up long-distance radio transmissions?"
"Hey, to be fair, it's been three years, and we've no problems until now."
"What precisely is the problem, Shermie?" Andy asked.
"Well, it seems the chip has somehow integrated with Socrates' mind. It's become a part of his consciousness."
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy all looked at each other.
"Er…is it bad? I mean, is he okay?" Calvin asked.
"As far as I can tell," Sherman replied, shrugging. "I checked in on him with the security systems. He seemed alright."
"Show us."
Sherman turned and typed some commands into the computer.
The giant screen crackled with interference for a second before they finally could see Socrates' room.
The red-tailed tiger was sitting at his desk, blueprints strewn everywhere and writing furiously with a marker.
"Let's see…," he was saying, "…we can have the tarantulas come out over here, the giant lamp will hang from the tree, the box of picture frames will sit upon the trampoline, and the diving board will be right over the barrel full of crushed soda cans! I love it!"
The other exchanged glances.
Socrates continued. "And then I'll set up the tire swing, and I'll ride in it dressed as a suture, and I'll drop an appendix costume on their heads! Brilliant! And then I'll drop the walls around them and make them fight to the death with only slinkies as weapons! Genius!"
Calvin and Hobbes stared at the screen.
"Wait… What the heck is he even planning?" Calvin asked.
"Search me," said Sherman. "He's been at this for the last half hour."
He pressed a button, and the screen changed back to what it was before.
"Well, he seems alright," Andy said. "What's the big deal?"
"Due the chip's integration with his mind, it's been rendered completely useless. We can't make calls with it now."
"I see…," Calvin said thoughtfully.
"Plus, at any moment, it could completely erase his personality."
The three of them stared at the hamster.
"Wait, it could do what?" Hobbes asked.
"Why didn't you mention that first?" Andy demanded.
"Why would I?" Sherman asked.
"It just strikes me that losing Socrates' personality is direr than losing the chip!"
Sherman shrugged. "I don't know. It just struck me as more important."
Calvin nodded. "Yeah, I can see how you'd draw that conclusion…," he said, scratching his chin thoughtfully.
Hobbes and Andy glared at them.
"So, what do we do?" Andy asked.
"Well, on the one hand, if his personality is erased, it would render the computer chip useful again. He'd just be an extra-large, extra-fuzzy shell around it," Sherman explained.
"Interesting…," Calvin said thoughtfully.
"Oh, come on!" Hobbes cried. "You're not serious!"
"Why not? It's how Socrates would react in a situation like this."
"Well, I should think you'd like to be better than Socrates!"
Calvin glared. "Well, thanks a lot, Hobbes! I'm feeling conflicted! I hope you're satisfied!"
"Incredibly so!"
Andy rolled his eyes. "Okay, enough," he sighed. "Shermie, tell me that there's an option where both Socrates and the chip survive intact."
Sherman sighed. "Well, granted, it's a bit more complicated, but it could work."
"And that is…?"
"We go into his mind and reprogram the chip."
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy stared at him.
"We…we go inside his mind?" Hobbes repeated.
"How do we do that?" Calvin asked.
"Well, one way to go about it would be to use the MTM's ability to enter computers. Did you fix that feature yet?"
"Yeah, I managed to fix it and keep out the viruses. It should be alright."
"Okay, we can use that to send you into the chip so you can look at it more closely and figure out what the problem is."
"Well, that's that settled," Andy said. "The question now is: how do we get Socrates over here?"
"Well, that's easy enough," Calvin said, pulling MTM back out of his pocket. "MTM?"
"Yo," MTM said with a yawn.
"We need Socrates over here so we can fix his chip. Can you teleport him over here?"
"Yeah, hang on, he's on his way."
There was a brief pause, and then…
BRAZAP!
Socrates suddenly appeared in a field of blue electricity. He was standing up and carrying a large box with a blueprint rolled up under his arm and a pencil in his ear. He walked a few paces before realizing he wasn't where he wasn't supposed to be anymore. He stared at the wall for a moment before seeing the others.
"Okay, seriously," he said, glaring at Calvin. "Give me some sort of warning next time, will you?"
Calvin just grinned.
Socrates sat the box down with the blueprints and tossed the pencil aside. "Okay, what do you want?" he asked tiredly, crossing his arms and looking at them.
"Er, we need your help with an experiment," Sherman said.
"Indeed? What sort of experiment?"
The gang all looked at each other, trying to think up an excuse.
"Hang on, I'll go get them. Andy, help with this, will you?" Sherman said at last.
Andy nodded and followed the hamster over towards a nearby shelf.
Calvin, Hobbes and Socrates waited nearby, watching Andy and Sherman quietly whispering to each other.
"So…," Hobbes said at last. "What's in the box, anyway?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Socrates retorted, leaning against it protectively.
"Yes, I would. That's why I asked."
"…Ain't tellin'."
Calvin and Hobbes sighed.
Then Andy and Sherman came back, and Andy was holding a small container with what looked like candies.
"Okay, I created these tablets this morning," Sherman said. "I want you each to test one and describe the flavor to me."
"Ooh, fun!" Socrates exclaimed.
"Andy, pass them out, and then take one yourself. Hold them in your mouths for a minute before swallowing."
"Alright," Andy said, taking the container and pouring four tablets into his hand, each a different color: red, blue, yellow and green.
He headed for Hobbes first and very discreetly, he whispered, "Take the green one."
Hobbes raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement and took the green tablet from his palm and promptly popped it in his mouth.
Then Andy went over to Calvin and discreetly whispered, "Take the blue one."
Calvin reached forward and took the blue tablet and put it on his tongue.
Then Andy headed over to Socrates, and on the way, he popped the red one in his mouth, and then handed him the remaining yellow one.
"Here you go," he said.
Socrates took the yellow tablet and stared at it before looking at Andy. "Why'd you take the red one? You let them choose theirs."
Andy glared. "Just take it."
"But what if the red one was better? I'll feel cheated!"
"Socrates, just take it for science," Sherman sighed.
Socrates grumbled and took the tablet and popped it in his mouth. "Fine, but I will never forget this," he said warningly.
"Whatever," Andy sighed.
"Okay, everyone chew them up and swallow," Sherman ordered.
Everyone chewed up their tablets and then gulped them down.
"Okay, what did everyone think? Hobbes?"
Hobbes smacked his tongue around. "Interesting… Tasted like…grass?"
"I see… Calvin?"
Calvin made a face. "Mine tasted alright, but there's a sort of chalky aftertaste I'm not really enjoying."
"Okay, okay, good. Andy?"
"Tastes like chicken…," Andy replied.
"Really?"
"And not good chicken either…"
"I see… Okay, Socrates, how was yours?"
Socrates just stared straight ahead, his face blank and his eyes unblinking.
"…Socrates?" Hobbes asked worriedly.
But Socrates didn't say anything. He just stood there stock-still.
Dread began to spread in their heads.
"You don't think he's…?" Calvin asked, almost afraid to ask.
Suddenly, Socrates said, "Lemony…"
They all jumped in shock as he smacked his lips.
"L-l-lemony?" Sherman asked shakily.
"Yeah, it was hard to place at first, but it was a bit like a refreshing cup of lemonade now that I think about it…"
Calvin and Hobbes exchanged confused glances.
"Ooh! And now it tastes like pork chops! How delicious! I must have the recipe for this tablet! It's simply delightful!"
"Pork chops?" Hobbes asked.
"Yes! Oh! And now I can taste steaming green peas! Wonderful peas! Oh, Andy, all is forgiven!"
"Glad to hear it," Andy sighed.
"Ooh, and now I can taste…," he started to say, but then he trailed off and looked faraway as he suddenly stumbled backwards and leant against his box.
"Taste what?" Sherman prompted.
"I can taste…blueberry?" Socrates asked, and then his eyes rolled up in his head and keeled over backwards, tripping over the box and landing on the floor, sound asleep.
Calvin sighed. "Well, thank goodness for that," he said.
"Quick question," Hobbes said. "What were those anyway?"
"Well, the yellow one was the sedative obviously," Sherman said. "The red was an antidepressant, the blue one was an energy stimulant and I'm not sure what the green one was, I just found in the back of the container."
Hobbes stared. "Wait… I took the green one," he said.
"I know," Sherman said with a smirk.
While Hobbes growled, Calvin and Andy went over and started to drag Socrates' unconscious form away.
"Okay, where do you want him?" Calvin asked.
"The operating table is just over there," Sherman said, pointing at the flatbed table a short distance away.
Calvin and Andy dragged Socrates over towards it and, with Hobbes' help, hoisted him up onto it and strapped him down.
Sherman came over and proceeded in hooking up electrodes to his head, and then to a machine.
"Okay, I think it's all set," he said. "Calvin, there should be a device on the desk behind you. It looks a bit like a graphing calculator."
Calvin turned around and looked on the desk behind him, climbing up on a chair to get a better look. He managed to locate a device that had various buttons and a small screen on the front. He picked it up.
"Is this it?"
"Yes, that's right. That's a special tracking device. It will help you locate the correct section of the chip you need to be in."
"Check." And Calvin put the tracker in his pocket.
"Anything else we need to know?" Hobbes asked.
"Yes, this is vital: once you get inside the chip, you'll find that it has acclimatized to Socrates' mind. It will be very much like actually wandering around in his actual psyche."
"How's that happened?" Andy asked.
"Well, the chip will have created a kind of imprint that will appear to be a sort of different dimension run entirely based Socrates' mind in order to disguise the chip. We can still find it, but the actual problematic area will be disguised, hence the need for the tracker. We need to reset it so that we can restore normal programming."
"Okay, we got it."
"Then let's get going," Calvin said, taking out the MTM and setting him down next to Sherman. "MTM, activate your computer program."
"Right on," MTM replied.
The CD player began to hum, and then suddenly, twin lasers scissored their way out the MTM and then spliced over Calvin, Hobbes and Andy, seemingly erasing them out of existence.
"Okay, they're inside of me," MTM said. "Now connect me to the electrodes and I'll do the rest."
Sherman promptly got to work hooking everything up, and soon, MTM sending the electronic data of Calvin, Hobbes and Andy into Socrates' mind.
The inside of the chip was rather interesting.
It looked like a very thick jungle made of multi-colored leaves, striped trees, a purple sky with strange-looking creatures flying around and a strange ground that had a long red-striped path heading off ahead of them.
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy materialized on this path, and they looked around disparagingly.
"Oh dear lord…," Andy said disparagingly.
"Man, it's true," Calvin sighed. "The chip has completely taken on Socrates' personality. It must've hooked itself up with his subconscious."
"What do we do now?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin took the tracker out his pocket.
"According to this thing, we need to go straight ahead," he said. "Let's hurry. We don't know how long Socrates will stay under."
They started forward a few paces.
The experience was accentuated by the random calling of strange birds in the distance.
However, along the way, Hobbes' acute sense of hearing picked up a new sound that sounded very close by.
It was a rustling in the polka-dotted bushes.
"Er, guys? I think we've got company," he said, pointing in that direction.
Calvin and Andy turned around to look.
The bushes were still rustling, much louder now.
"What could be living in here?" Andy asked worriedly.
"Well, there's always a chance that the chip has created a whole new world within itself, and it could be that it has created physical beings from Socrates' personality traits," said Calvin.
"Oh, this should be good," Hobbes muttered.
Finally, the rustling ceased.
They all stared at the bushes for a few seconds.
"…Hello?" Calvin asked cautiously.
"JAMBO!"
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy jumped in seven directions at once in reaction to the loud voice that had come from behind them.
Hanging onto each other desperately, they slowly turned around and looked at who had shouted at them.
It was Socrates.
At least, it looked like Socrates.
This version of Socrates was wearing a very clashing multi-colored suit. The long coat had various clashing colors making it up, with a colorful vest, yellow trousers, and a polka-dotted string bowtie.
His red-striped tail snaked out from under the tails of the coat, and he had a Joker-like grin on his face, making him look like an insane clown.
"…Who are you?" Calvin asked warily.
"Who am I? Who are you?" the Socrates asked.
"We're Calvin, Hobbes and Andy."
The Socrates stared at him for a moment. Then his face split into a huge grin.
"MY FRIENDS ARE HERE! WONDERFUL!" he suddenly cried, bouncing up and down excitedly.
Before anyone had a chance to react, they suddenly found themselves trapped in a huge hug, struggling to escape.
"OH, I'M SO HAPPY!"
"Yeah, we gathered that," Calvin grunted.
"Er, I take it you're Socrates' happiness," Hobbes gasped.
"YEP-ER-DOODLY-DOODLES!" he cried.
"Could you put us down, please?" Andy requested nervously. "Not that this isn't pleasant, but I think you're actually cracking my spine!"
"Okey-dokey!" he replied, and he dropped them all down on the ground.
They all grumbled as they got back up.
"Okay, listen, you," Calvin said sternly, "we're trying to find a certain part of this chip. Is there anywhere around that seems strange to you?"
"Oh, goodness me, let me think-a-dink-a-dink about that!"
And he took on a much-exaggerated sort of pose to prove he was thinking.
They stared at him for a moment.
"Anyone want to make a break for it while he's sitting there?" Andy asked.
"Not now," Calvin hissed.
Finally, the Happy Socrates looked at them excitedly.
"Actually, there are two places that are strange around here!" he said.
"Two?" Hobbes asked.
"Well, we're only looking for one," Calvin said. "There's a section of this chip that's malfunctioning."
"What chip?" the Happy Socrates asked.
They stared at him.
"Socrates doesn't know about this chip, remember?" Andy said.
"But shouldn't his subconscious be aware of its presence? There must be some part of him that's sensitive to it," Hobbes pointed out.
"What do these two areas look like?" Calvin asked the Happy Socrates.
"Well, the first place is some weird place, you see. It's very…strange… And we never remember it when we come back from it."
"Really? What's the other one like?"
"Well, you see, there's this door, you see, and you see, we're not allowed inside it. It just says, AUTHORIZED PERSONEL ONLY."
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy stared at each other.
"I guess we'll figure it out when we get there," Calvin decided. "Let's get going."
But as they turned to go, the Happy Socrates suddenly jumped in front of them, grinning madly.
"Ooh! Ooh! Let me come, let me come! Please, please, please, please!"
They stared at him with annoyance. "No way," Calvin said. "You'd only slow us down."
"Ohhh, come on! I'll be good! I'll be your bestest best friendy friend ever-forever-ever!"
"A tempting offer, but I'm afraid we must decline," Hobbes said. "We have business to attend to."
"Oh, puh-LEEEEEEEEEEEZE!"
"No!" they all shouted.
"Please, please, oh please, oh please, please, please, oh please, oh—"
"GO AWAY!" Calvin shouted, trying to focus on reading the tracker.
"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZE!"
Finally, Andy plucked a leaf off a bush and held it up to him.
"Here, talk to this guy. He says he wants to be your best friend," he said quickly, thrusting it into his paws.
The Happy Socrates grinned at the leaf. "Oh, what fun! I bet you have wonderful leaf stories to tell! Come on, pal! Let's chat-a-tat-tat!"
And with that, he bounced away back into the jungle.
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy stared at him as he vanished.
"I can't believe that worked," Andy remarked.
"What did he mean about that second place?" Hobbes asked. "Something about a section of the brain they can't access?"
"Nothing to do with us," Calvin snorted. "Let's get going. I want to get out of this place as soon as possible."
And with that, they continued following the tracker into the strange wilderness.
A few minutes later, they found a clearing where the trees finally become less dense. They could see a good distance ahead now.
"Where are we now?" Andy asked.
"Not sure…," Calvin said.
"Hey, look over there," Hobbes said, pointing off the path.
They looked in that direction and stared at what they saw.
It was a graveyard.
"What the heck…?" Calvin asked.
They approached it cautiously.
"What is this place?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin looked around the graves, which were all marked with the typical headstones.
"Good grief," he muttered. "Look at this one."
ANGER
DIED AGE 5
"Look at this one," Hobbes added, pointing to another one.
FEAR
LEFT US AT AGE 1
"This must be the final resting place of most of Socrates' disused personalities," Andy said, looking at the graves in wonder.
"But he's been angry and afraid before," Calvin insisted. "We've seen him! He got angry when I finally figured out how to outsmart him. He gets afraid whenever we get attacked by ghosts. What's this all about?"
"Oh geez," Hobbes sighed. "Look at this one."
They all turned to look at the tombstone.
SANITY
PASSED ON AT 3 MONTHS
They stared in incredulity.
"How old is Socrates again?" Andy asked.
"I am really beginning to not like this place," Calvin sighed.
Then they heard something in the distance.
"Does anyone else hear that?" Hobbes asked, craning his neck to look.
Calvin and Andy listened carefully.
It was laughter.
"Somebody's laughing," Andy said. "It sounds like Socrates' laughter."
"Yeah," said Calvin. "In fact, it sounds like a whole bunch of Socrateses laughing."
"It's coming from that bridge over there."
They left the graveyard and headed in the direction of the bridge. They all peered over the sides and looked around, feeling rather freaked out by the laughter now surrounding them.
"Who's laughing?" Andy demanded. "I can't see anyone."
"Look! Frogs!" Calvin cried.
Indeed, there were frogs. They were all leaping about the river, splashing about.
And they were laughing.
They were all laughing liking Socrates.
And it was a loud and hysterical laugh as well.
It was incredibly unnerving.
"And now I've finished not liking this place," Calvin said. "Now I'm just plain old afraid."
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy continued wandering through the darkness that was Socrates' psyche. Calvin was holding the tracker in front of him almost as if it was some form of protection, while Andy and Hobbes stayed close behind him in case whatever decided to jump out of the overgrowth ate Calvin, first.
"Alright, we should be nearing the area of the computer chip," Calvin said, examining the tracker. "I think we're only like half a kilometer away from it."
"What exactly are we gonna do when we get to it?" Hobbes asked.
"We'll worry about that when we actually get there," Calvin said.
Andy looked over his shoulders. "And what about the twelve miniature Socrateses that have been following us for the last half mile?"
Calvin and Hobbes looked back.
About twenty feet behind them were several Socrateses about half Socrates' height, all wearing black hoods and following close behind the group, laughing their heads off as they scampered from tree to tree, throwing glances at them with their beady little eyes.
"The way I figure it, they're scavengers from the carnivorous eastern tribe," Calvin said. "Try not to show any fear or make direct eye contact,"
Andy and Hobbes exchanged glances.
Calvin turned back to the tracker.
"Alright, next we need to take a left to the..."
"AHOY, BRAVE TRAVELER!"
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy all jumped at the sudden scream that filled their ears.
Standing over them was another version of Socrates with his arms crossed, once again with a giant grin that took off half his face. He was wearing a black tuxedo with a curled mustache.
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy all lay in a heap before them.
"Hello, Socrates," Hobbes grumbled.
Socrates held his paw out to help the three up.
"What brings you to our lovely little abode?" He announced pulling Hobbes up first, then Calvin and Andy.
"We're trying to fix your stupid... thing..." Calvin grumbled, trying not to give away the secret.
"A fascinating endeavor!" Socrates said, rubbing his chin in thought. "Is there any way I can assist you in your quest to fix my thing?"
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy all stared at Socrates blankly.
"That depends," Andy said. "Which Socrates are you?"
Socrates blinked. "Why does that matter?" He asked.
"Because you look like a clichéd version of a movie style villain," Hobbes grumbled.
"Are you Socrates' scheming side?"
There was a moment of silence.
"...No," Socrates said, slowly.
Everyone stared at him.
"Kay...," Andy said. "Who are you, then?"
"I'm... his... calmness?"
Silence greeted these words.
"Uh huh," Andy sighed. "Fine, where is the weird place that you don't remember when you go to it?"
"Ah, that place," Socrates nodded. "That place is way the heck in no-man's land to the left,"
"The left?"
"To the left," Socrates grinned. "I think it's my left, but it might be yours. Could be neither... I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about... I think."
Calvin groaned. "Which direction is it in?"
"To the left,"
"Point to the left," Hobbes said.
"Whose left?" Socrates asked.
"The left that the place is in!" Andy shouted.
Socrates pointed to the right.
"That's right," Hobbes growled.
"I know it's right, right?" Socrates grinned.
Calvin glared at him. "Is any of this even worth it?" He grumbled.
"OK, look, is the place we're going to over there?" Andy said, pointing to the right.
Socrates nodded. "Yep, right off to the left,"
"That's not left" Hobbes said.
"Yeah I know, it's right," Socrates said.
"OK, just shut up!" Calvin yelled, holding his hands up. "Let's just go!"
And with that, Calvin started off towards the right. Hobbes followed closely behind him. Andy gave Socrates a suspicious look, then followed as well.
Socrates watched them go. As soon as they were out of earshot, he hunched over and began rubbing his hands together, menacingly.
"Bwa ha ha ha ha ha," he chuckled, looking after them with an evil expression. And with that, he dove into the bushes.
Over half an hour past while Calvin, Hobbes and Andy all trudged through the swamp, occasionally dodging the laughing frogs and trying to avoid the redundant chanting from the bushes.
"Are you sure we're going in the right direction?" Hobbes asked. "You'd think we'd be there by now..."
"Yeah well, the tracker has a neural reading right now." Calvin said. "I can't tell if we're getting farther or closer right now."
"What's wrong with it?" Andy asked.
"It's this stupid swamp gas," Calvin grumbled. "It's shorted out the circuit board on the main frame,"
"So in other words, we're depending entirely on Socrates' word?" Hobbes said.
"Ah-yep," Calvin nodded. "That pretty much falls into place, doesn't it?"
Hobbes and Andy rolled their eyes.
"Alright well, call me a skeptic, but I don't think Socrates' word is quite enough to run on, so I'd like to have a second option," Andy said.
"Yeah well, that's the thing, we don't have one," Calvin said. "So we just have to go and hope something good happens."
There was a moment of silence.
"We're in Socrates' mind, what are the chances of something good actually happening?" Hobbes asked.
"I don't know, but I just realized that there's mayonnaise all over those trees," Calvin said.
Everyone looked up. The trees were indeed sitting in the swampy water, covered almost entirely with mayonnaise. It stretched on as far as they could see.
Everyone stared at them for a long moment.
"Yeah, that cat really does have an unnatural obsession with that stuff." Andy said.
Just then, they heard a whooping noise coming from the bushes. They turned to look and stared at the shrubs uneasily.
"Alright, who's in there?" Calvin demanded. "We've had enough of the Tawdry Quirks Come to Life, thank you very much."
Suddenly, the bushes seemed to explode, sending branches and brightly colored leaves everywhere. The trio shielded themselves from the flying debris, and when it finally stopped falling, they dared to look at what they'd stumbled upon now.
The Socrates they were looking at now was diminutive in size, yet he had an undeniably powerful presence. He was well-built and wearing a spandex superhero outfit with a red-striped cape, and he struck an Action Man pose when he saw them.
"Hail and well met, citizens!" he declared in a superhero voice.
"Who the heck are you supposed to be?" Calvin asked.
"I am the one who helps people in need! I am the one who would gladly give his life to protect another! I am the one who is shunned by the rest of contemporary society for my way of life!"
"Ahh, you're Socrates' nobility, aren't you?" Hobbes remarked.
"That explains why he's so short," Andy quipped.
Noble Socrates chuckled good-naturedly. "Ah, yes, a good-natured jest, my friend. Pardon my intrusion, but I could not help but notice you seem to have lost your way."
"Yeah, our…er…GPS isn't working, and we're trying to find that area of the brain that you guys never remember when you go to it."
"Indeed? I'm afraid that we do not bother with that dastardly location. Such foulness and evil that even I cannot approach it!"
"Really? Well that's – "
"But for you, my dear friends, I shall give it a most mighty attempt! Come! I will show you the safest path!"
And Noble Socrates flew off ahead of them, striking a heroic pose as he flew.
Calvin glanced at Hobbes and Andy. "Well, what choice do we have? Let's go."
And they followed after on foot, trying to keep an eye on the flying tiger.
After fifteen minutes of running, they were just about to yell something insulting at the Noble Socrates and be done with it, as they had been running all over the place, tripping over colorful rocks and getting chased by laughing mosquitoes, but eventually, they found themselves standing before an area that was different from the rest.
"Whoa…," Calvin said, slightly breathless.
Andy, without tearing his gaze away, took out his cell phone and took a picture.
There was a huge bright light peeking out through the trees and bushes. It was so pure it almost hurt their eyes, and yet they could see it perfectly.
"What is that?" Hobbes asked.
Calvin pulled the tracker back out and saw that it had started working again. It was indicating the direction from which the pure white light was shining.
"I think we've arrived," he whispered.
They continued to stare in awe at the light before the Noble Socrates came down beside them.
"There it is, my companions," he said, gesturing dramatically. "The horrible light that wipes our minds with each attempt to get closer! We do not know what horrors lie beyond it!"
"I have a hunch," Calvin muttered. "Thanks for the help, pal. We'll take it from here."
"Very well, my compadres. I fear I would not be of much help anyway," he said. "Farewell, and good luck."
And with that, he took to the skies once again and flew off into the distance.
"Right, enough gawking," Calvin decided. "Come on, guys, let's see to the chip." He started marching off towards the light.
"Are we sure it's safe?" Hobbes asked.
"Yeah, isn't usually important to not go into the light?" Andy agreed.
"Depends. Do you hear any dead relatives calling out to you?" Calvin asked.
"Er…no."
"Then let's go!"
Calvin walked off towards the light. Hobbes and Andy looked at each other before warily walking after him.
Outside in the real world, Sherman and the MTM were observing the readouts and making sure Socrates stayed under.
"Any signs of him coming out of it yet?" Sherman asked.
"Nope. He's sleeping like a baby," MTM replied. "I am detecting that the others are moving closer to the afflicted area, though. They should be there in a couple minutes."
"Good, good… All is progressing normally then. Where are they headed?"
"Looks like it's the central part of the chip. It's the section that is connected with Socrates' brain itself."
Sherman's eyes widened. "Oh…," he said slowly.
"What? What is it?"
Sherman looked meaningfully at the MTM. It was a good three seconds before it twigged.
"Oh…," MTM said slowly.
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy arrived at the bright light. They stared into it, watching it pulsate slightly with energy.
"There's something at the center of it," Calvin said. "Hang on."
He pulled out the hypercube and reached inside, pulling out three pairs of sunglasses. He passed two of them over to Hobbes and Andy, and they all put them on, looking into the light more clearly.
"Yeah, there's something there alright," Hobbes said. "Something's gotten into the chip."
"Do we get closer or what?" Andy asked.
"Yeah, but let's be careful," Calvin replied. "One step at a time."
Gingerly, warily, the trio walked deeper into the strange light, trying to get a fix on the strange shape in the middle.
"What's it look like?" Andy asked. "Can anyone tell?"
"Not sure yet," Calvin said.
Hobbes squinted. "I'm almost certain it looks familiar," he remarked quietly.
They went closer and closer.
"Sherman said that it would be disguised as something," Calvin said suddenly. "But disguised as what?"
He soon found out.
The strange mass in the middle of the light suddenly moved and came closer to them. It looked like it was an animal of some sort. It stood up, tall and towering, making the trio stop short just a few feet away from it.
"Is…is that…?" Hobbes stuttered.
"I think it is," Calvin replied.
There was a low growl coming from creature.
"…It's Socrates."
And it was, if Socrates had completely black fur and glowing red eyes. The new Socrates spoke.
"JAMBO!"
It was a loud, heavy, throaty, growly sort of voice. The ground trembled from the sound waves.
Then the new Socrates reared up on its hind legs and pounced forwards.
Letting out a collective yelp, Calvin, Hobbes and Andy turned and ran back the way they came. But this new Socrates kept up with them.
"COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!" he roared.
They fled the bright light and dove behind a red and green boulder, quivering in a huddled mass.
"What the heck was that?!" Hobbes demanded.
"Run!" Andy suddenly shouted.
They cleared off just in time.
The Dark Socrates landed right on the spot they'd just been a split second ago.
"HEEEEEEEERE'S CRATESO!" he roared.
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy started to run further away, but then Calvin turned back and went in a large circle, back towards the light.
"Where're you going?!" Hobbes shouted.
"Back towards the light! We must go into the light!" Calvin replied.
"What for?" Andy demanded.
"We have to fix the chip before we leave! It our only way of stopping him!"
Groaning, Hobbes and Andy turned around and followed after him.
Outside, Sherman and MTM were monitoring everything that happened.
"Something's wrong," MTM said.
"I'll say," Sherman agreed. "Socrates' heart rate just sped up."
Calvin, Hobbes and Andy ran faster into the bright light, trying to see what was ahead. After fifteen seconds of blind running, they finally found what was making the light so bright.
"What's this?" Andy asked.
Calvin held up the tracker and found the problem.
"It's the nerve-center of the chip's fault. This is where the problem is."
"What is the problem?" Hobbes asked.
"Well, the chip has integrated with Socrates' mind itself. It needs to be its own separate entity in order for them both to function properly. Otherwise all we have is this sick place."
"Speaking of which," Hobbes said, glancing over his shoulder.
Calvin and Andy looked back just in time to see the Dark Socrates heading for them, claws protracted and looking rather lethal. All three of them cleared out of the way just in time, causing the huge tiger to go into a barrel roll past them.
They watched nervously as he rolled back onto his feet, and he reared up again, growling, looking like he could pounce again.
"Hold it!" Calvin shouted, holding up a hand to stop the tiger.
The Dark Socrates held his pose, glaring at him, daring him to say anything.
"You were the first mental avatar, weren't you?" Calvin said. "You were the first one born in this world, and all the others, the happiness, the scheming and the nobility, you turned them into beings to rule over. Correct?"
"CORRECT…," the Dark Socrates hissed.
"So what are you made up of? The colorful Socrates was his optimism, the suited Socrates was his deviousness, and the superhero Socrates was his nobility. Which are you then?"
"I AM THE DARKEST PART OF HIS NATURE. I AM HIS ANGER. I AM HIS PARANOIA. I AM HIS NEGATIVITY. I RULE THIS WORLD, AND I WILL CRUSH THOSE WHO DARE OPPOSE ME!"
Andy blinked. "You're clearly his eloquence as well," he remarked.
"But you're not real," Calvin continued. "You're just an amalgamation of his darkest thoughts. The thoughts that he represses. Socrates may be a self-centered jerk, but he'd never intentionally hurt someone. No wonder you're trying to rule this world. You're the part of him that he uses the least! Thanks to this fault in the chip, you can manipulate it to your will!"
"Wait, what?" Hobbes asked.
"He's the part of Socrates that knows about the computer chip. Like you said, Hobbes, there is a part of Socrates' mind that knows there's something here. We're staring at it."
"AND WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE, I WILL RULE THEM ALL! THE CHIP'S FAULT HAS GIVEN ME THE ULTIMATE POWER! AND NOW YOU SHALL DIE BY MY CLAWS!" the Dark Socrates growled loudly.
"No, because Socrates wouldn't do that," Calvin replied.
"BUT I WOULD!"
And the Dark Socrates pounced.
It all happened too quickly for anyone to react. There was a flash, a blur, and suddenly, the Dark Socrates was going back the way he came, and Hobbes was right in the middle of the world class tackle.
Calvin and Andy stared in amazement as both tigers landed on the ground, almost invisible due to the bright light surrounding them. "Whoa…," the breathed.
Hobbes stood over the Dark Socrates, glaring at him with the Eye of the Tiger.
"One little detail," he growled. "Socrates isn't as in touch with his feline instincts as I am. I think I just found your Achilles Heel."
The Dark Socrates simply growled in response and tackled Hobbes to the ground. The two tigers rolled around on the grass, hissing and growling at each other.
"Hobbes!" Calvin shouted. "Let us help you!"
"No!" Hobbes shouted back. "Fix the fault! Locate it so we can get rid of him!" And he kicked the Dark Socrates in the stomach, sending the larger tiger flying through the air.
Calvin and Andy found the fault again. It was in the form of a beat-up old laptop.
"We've got it," Calvin said. "Quick, Andy, you're better with computers! Do something!"
Andy nervously sat at the laptop and became typing on the keyboard. "Let's see…," he murmured. "It's some old software. Must need some sort of upgrade in order for it to work."
Calvin stared. "You mean the only reason the chip is faulting is because it needs a software upgrade?"
"Hey, if you don't update a normal computer's software at least once a year, it can screw the whole thing up! It makes total sense!"
Calvin rolled his eyes. "Fine. We need to send this back to Sherman and the MTM so they can fix it."
"Hang on a second. Let me write up a program."
Andy typed furiously at the laptop.
Calvin glanced over his shoulder and saw that Hobbes was still fighting the Dark Socrates rather commendably, but his friend was clearly tiring. He got himself flung across the grass and landed with a thud, but he managed to get back up again and slowly circle the black tiger.
"Hurry up, Andy. I don't know how much longer Hobbes is going to last."
"Almost… Almost… Almost… Got it! Give me the tracker!"
Calvin passed the device to Andy, who placed it into a slot on the side of the laptop. He inputted the data into the tracker, and then he pressed a button marked SEND.
"It's on its way," he announced.
"Good!"
Suddenly, Hobbes went flying through the air and landed next to them. He was rather beaten up and out of breath.
"I can't keep this up," he gasped.
"Don't worry, Hobbes. We just need to wait for Sherman."
Outside, in the real world, MTM started beeping. "I think they've got it sussed. They've sent a request for a software upgrade."
Sherman blinked, and then he slapped his forehead. "Right, the program is three years old. Of course it needs an upgrade! Honestly, the things you forget about when you're busy on other projects. I swear, sometimes I think that I – "
"Upgrade, please…?" MTM interrupted impatiently.
"Oh right. Hang on…"
Sherman started typing at the computer. He ran through the data for the chip.
"I think we're sufficiently in danger, don't you guys?" Calvin asked.
"Yes, quite in danger," Hobbes said with a nod.
The Dark Socrates towered over them. "I WILL NOT LET THIS WORLD BE TAKEN FROM ME. ONCE I HAVE DESTROYED YOU, I WILL TAKE FULL CONTROL AND RULE THIS TIGER'S MIND AS I SEE FIT! I WILL ENCAPSULATE HIS PSYCHE THROUGH THE DOMAIN I HAVE CREATED! I SHALL SYSTEMATICLLY ERADICATE ALL THE OTHER AVATARS UNTIL ONLY I REMAIN TO CONTROL HIM, AND THEN I SHALL BE ALL POWERFUL!"
Calvin stared at him thoughtfully. "You borrowed bits of that speech from something, didn't you?" he remarked. "I don't know what, but you did."
"I borrowed bits from an old software," Sherman said as he stuck a data stick into the MTM's USB port. "I should be able to trick the chip's systems into thinking it's an all-new upgrade."
"Yeah, we computers can be pretty sophisticated idiots, sometimes," MTM remarked. "Inputting data…now!"
There was a zap, and suddenly, Socrates' right leg kicked straight up, knocking over table in the process.
Sherman and MTM stared at the mess.
"…I hope I sent it to the right part of the brain," MTM said thoughtfully.
Sherman groaned.
The Dark Socrates held up a paw, long claws drawn, and went into a windup.
As they cowered helplessly on the ground, Andy took note that the screen on the laptop had changed now.
CONGRATULATIONS SOFTWARE UPDATE SUCCESSFUL
ENJOY YOUR FULL-FUNCTIONING TRANSMITTER / RECIEVER CHIP
And just as the Dark Socrates brought his huge paw down on them, the bright light vanished. They could now see where they were: in a field of green grass surrounded by colorful trees.
And the Dark Socrates hated it. He let out a howl of displeasure.
"TOO MUCH! THE COLORS ARE TOO MUCH! NO! MAKE IT STOP! GET RID OF IT!" he wailed, covering his eyes.
Calvin grinned. "There you have it! Socrates' annoyingly cheerful personality overpowers his darkest impulses any day of the week! Your bucket's been kicked, baby!"
"STOP IT! MAKE IT STOP! IT HURTS!"
And with a scream like that of a thousand ghouls, the Dark Socrates vanished in a puff of smoke.
They stared at the spot in amazement.
"Oh, what a world, what a world, what a world," Andy remarked.
"Yeah, let's get out of this world," Hobbes said. "I've had enough of this place."
Just then, the tracker beeped. Andy grabbed it and read a flashing message on the screen.
"What's that?" Calvin asked.
"It's a message from the MTM."
"What's he say?"
"Well, the gist of it seems to be that now that we've solved the problem, this world can't exist anymore. The chip is separating from Socrates' mind again, so the world we're in can't be stabilized. It's going to vanish and take us with it unless we get out of here within the next two minutes."
Calvin and Hobbes stared at him. During this explanation, a wind had picked up and multi-colored leaves were blowing around everywhere.
"You know, I think I nice little stroll out of here would be a good idea," Hobbes said.
"Capitol," Calvin said with a nod. "Shall we exude?"
"Let's."
And the trio turned and fled the field, noticing that the wind was getting stronger.
As they ran for the lives, they saw something materializing on the path ahead of them.
"What it is?" Andy asked.
"It's our ticket out of here!" Calvin said gleefully. "MTM's securing a link for us to go home!"
"Then let's get going!" Hobbes said eagerly.
The link was taking the form of a small space capsule. Its door slid open and released a lot of dramatic steam.
Andy jumped in first. Hobbes started to follow after him, but he noticed that Calvin had slowed down and he was looking at something in the distance.
"Calvin, come on!" he shouted. "We don't have much time! Look at this place!"
Indeed, the entire world was fading in and out around them, looking more and more transparent, not to mention empty, as the trees, lakes and mountains were one by one vanishing.
But Calvin was focusing on one thing in particular. "Look," he said quietly, pointing at it.
Hobbes followed his gaze and saw what he was looking at.
There was a solid steel door about a mile away, but it was still big enough that they could make out what it was, and they could make out the huge black writing on the front.
AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY
"Just like the Happy Socrates said," Calvin murmured.
"Well, forget about it," Hobbes insisted. "It's not important. It'll vanish with the rest of this world!"
"No, look at it, Hobbes. Really look at it!"
Hobbes sighed with frustration and really looked at the door.
And looked…
And looked…
And then it twigged.
His eyes widened as he saw that the door wasn't fading away with everything else. It seemed to be the only solid thing here apart from them.
"It's staying where it is," he whispered.
"The metaphysical representation of something no one can see," Calvin said. "The avatar of the door will eventually go, but its solidity suggests that whatever it is, it's permanent."
"So what do we do?"
Andy chose that moment to stick his head out of the capsule. "Are you guys coming, or do you want to find out what oblivion looks like this time of year?!"
Calvin looked like he wanted to say something in regards to the door, but he decided against it. "Come on, Hobbes! Let's blow this Popsicle stand!"
Hobbes threw the door one last glance before following in after him into the capsule.
The door closed behind them, and then it vanished from Socratesland.
Darkness.
Silence.
Something happening.
Can't tell what.
Images of his friends.
Something else.
Can't tell what that is either.
Trying to place it. Seems familiar.
And then a light. A pure white light.
Sixty watts.
Four figures, silhouetted by the light.
Socrates blinked heavily as he looked up at the others staring down at him.
"Hey, you're awake! Finally! Who wins the pool?" Calvin asked.
Hobbes pulled out a sheet of paper. "Let's see… What time is it?"
"4:20." The MTM was in the room somewhere.
"Looks like Andy wins, then."
"Sweet!" Andy said. "What do I get?"
"Ten bucks," Sherman said, passing him some wadded up bills.
"Solid. Not a bad day's work."
Socrates cleared his throat. "Excuse me," he said. "May I ask whatever is happening?"
"Oh, nothing much," Calvin said with a shrug. "You just passed out for an hour."
"I… Why?"
"Something in the pill you took," Sherman said. "All to be expected. We ran a full medical when you fell, and it just put you to sleep, so we just let it get through your system. Figured we might as well make it interesting."
Socrates furrowed his brow. "You…you bet on when I was going to regain consciousness?"
"Why not?" Calvin asked.
Slowly, Socrates managed to sit up on the table. He rubbed his head as his grogginess began to subside. "Man…," he grunted. "I don't know whether to feel insulted or disappointed."
"Why would you be disappointed?" Andy asked.
"I might've wanted in on that action."
"You were, actually. You might find that you're short two bucks," Calvin noted.
"Oh…," Socrates said, at first looking confused, but then he cheered up. "Well, as long as you played fair then."
"Of course."
Socrates got off the table and headed over to the box he'd discarded earlier. "Well, if you no longer require me to be a lab rat for a lab rat – "
"Hamster!" Sherman angrily corrected.
" – then perhaps I can be returned home so that I may complete my work."
"Yeah, sure, whatever you say," Calvin sighed. "MTM, send him back to the mansion."
"Hang about. Just need to finish recharging my power cells. Nearly there…"
Socrates picked up the box and blueprints. "Why are your power cells low?" he asked.
"I did a bit of heavy-duty work while you were sleeping."
"Oh? What did you do?"
There was a heavy silence in the room.
"Er…see you later, Socrates," Calvin said at last, pressing a button on the MTM.
And very suddenly, in a flash of blue, Socrates vanished before he could say anything else.
"That was a close one," Andy sighed, leaning against the table.
"Yes, but hopefully we won't have another problem for the next three years," Sherman said, taking off his lab coat.
"Well, I've gotta get home and finish that homework," Calvin decided, grabbing the MTM and heading for the staircase. "Come on, Hobbes. Let's go."
"Sure thing. Always willing to help with your homework."
"Actually, I need you to do something else for me."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"I need you to get Dad's calculator off the top shelf of the bookcase. You're tall enough to reach it."
Hobbes looked offended. "Again with the machines! You honestly need to trust my instincts!"
And they continued arguing as they left through the lab door.
Andy and Sherman sighed and resumed work.
THE END
Voice Cast
Pamela Adlon: Calvin
Tom Hanks: Hobbes
Ryan Stiles: Socrates
Andrew Lawrence: Andy
Colin Mochrie: Sherman
Norman Lovett: MTM
