a/n: this was supossed to be a song fic, but it kinda became the monster it is now. quinn has been living with the berry's since sectionals. they're now seniors, and baby fabray is still with her. Fic divided into three parts. Read and Review please!
She could hear the rain fall on the roof gently, it wasn't raining that hard anymore like earlier in the park, but the sound of it helped her disregard the silence that accompanied her alone at home. Home, it still blows her away that she calls they berry household her home. After her parent's and Finn kicked her out, Rachel took it upon herself to give Quinn and her unborn child a place to stay. A place to come home to.
Aaron (Mr. Berry or Dad) the african american man that reminded her of Eddie Murphy and David (Mr. Berry or Daddy) the jewish man that reminded her of Mr. Bean whenever he's in a coat and tie. Were the kind of parents she wished she had. They opened up their home and their hearts to her, and when her baby was born, they doted on her and loved as her if she was their grandchild, they even made her call them gamps (short for grandpa (Aaron)) and Zayzay (short for Zayde (David)). And sometimes she really wishes it were the case.
The rain continues on, and she vaguely thinks of playing in it, The baby was with Puck and his family, and the Berry's were on a date. The rain made her forget that the silence in the house meant she was all alone. Silence meant thinking and coming face to face with the fact that Rachel wasn't there and that she wouldn't be barging through the door anytime soon demanding that she stop sulking in their room.
Rachel. Rachel was gone. It's been two months, two long miserable months without Rachel. Rachel who was in New York, after getting the call that she's been waiting all her life. Junior Year, during Regionals, a talent scout saw and heard Rachel sing, got in touch with her and offered an opportunity of a lifetime. To go to New York, and pursue her dreams. She had stayed in Lima as long as she could, but two months ago, she made her way to the big apple, to get a head start.
She feels her heart clench she never knew it was possible to miss someone this much that tears make her vision blurry but she doesn't even try to stop them from falling. Rachel was in New York. She missed Rachel, her Rachel. The Rachel who was there for her when everyone else avoided her. The Rachel who rocked her to sleep when everything in her life didn't make sense and she'd end up crying. The Rachel who put up with all her weird cravings and made many a midnight run for Rachel who sang to her unborn daughter proclaiming that it helped in fetal development. The Rachel that would drag her out of their room even when she didn't want to and forced her to watch a Rachel who threatened Puck and Finn and in all her 5'2 glory told them to stay away from Quinn and to stop stressing her out. The Rachel that took her shopping for maternity clothes. The Rachel that talked with her when she was thinking of keeping her baby. The Rachel that bought her a onesie that said "Mommy's little star" as a surprise. The Rachel who for 10 minutes ran around like a headless chicken in the music room when her water broke. The Rachel who after finally calming down screamed places and had everyone run through their "Operation: Water Broke" battle plan. The Rachel whose hand she held as she was giving birth. The Rachel who cried silent tears with a smile on her face the moment Eloise "Lulu" Fabray was placed in her arms. The Rachel that softly counted 10 fingers and toes and sang "baby mine" softly to her baby when she thought Quinn was asleep. The Rachel who took turns with her for early morning feedings and diaper changes. The Rachel who doted on her daughter. The Rachel that made funny faces at Lulu to make the little girl giggle like crazy. The Rachel that would pout in the exact same way Lulu would when she put her foot down and took away their ice cream or chocolatey goodness. The Rachel that sang to her baby and read her bedtime stories. The Rachel that they shared a room with. The Rachel she was in love with. The Rachel she never thought she'd want a life with. Her Rachel that no one else saw and knew but her.
There were times that she'd pretend that she didn't miss her, that she was fine. Most days it doesn't work, on those days she cries in her car, then cleans herself up to smile at Aaron, David and her Lulu. Sometimes walking through the halls of McKinley makes her think she sees Rachel at her locker taking out books, or in the music room playing the piano and singing, or waiting for her to go to lunch. It was worse at home, she sees Rachel everywhere, in their bed, in the living room, in the kitchen, even in Lulu's eyes.
She grabs and holds Rachel's pillow closer to her body, and takes a deep lungfull of air. It still smells like her. And for a moment it didn't hurt as much.
She remembers the night she and Rachel talked about New York. Lying side by side, she tried so hard not to beg Rachel to her to stay would be selfish, she didn't have that luxury.
Roughly 2 months ago
"I don't understand why there is this need that I uproot my life as soon as possible, and not wait until I graduate from high school, I still stand by my decision to question the hastiness being required of me." Rachel bemoans.
"Didn't he explain it to you and your dads already? It's like you don't really want to go?" Quinn queries knowing fully well that Rachel's dads where split between making her go and making her stay.
"I do, of course I do." Rachel exclaims "But I find myself unable to abandon my short term goal of graduating from McKinley. Does it mean I have to take the proverbial leap of faith and let things fall as they may."
"Yes" Quinn says almost forcibly.
"Quinn! If you are trying to assist me in arriving at a decision on the latest development in my life, you are failing oh so miserably." Rachel pouts.
"Do you want me to tell you to stay and finish school? And let this opportunity pass by? I won't. You can always just get a GED or something. Isn't that like part of the deal anyway, you finish all the necessary credit you need there, and you still get your diploma without staying here stuck in Lima Loserville." don't sound so bitter, don't sound too sad, was the mantra Quinn saying in her head.
"I find myself unwilling to go since I know I will miss certain events and milestones, Lulu is just starting to talk in full sentences, and I want to be there to witness it happen and teach her to sing on key of course. And Regionals is coming up and we should practice to reach optimum success." was Rachel's answer.
Quinn lies on her side facing Rachel, soon enough their facing each other, and she was unable to stop her hand from gently cupping Rachel's cheek and pushing some her behind her ear. "Rach, Lulu is still going to be here when and if you come back, it's not like we can't talk over the phone chat or skype. And I'm pretty sure that Mr. Schue can handle glee even if you aren't there. Why don't you want to go, I was expecting you to have packed your bags by now."
Quinn suddenly finds herself on her back with an armful of Rachel Berry. "I don't know" she barely hears Rachel speak, as if spilling her deepest darkest secrets, "I know this is a very good opportunity and I'd be a fool to let it go, if i had been asked 2 years ago, if this had happened then, I would not dilly dally and have grabbed it with both hands, and would be in New York right at this moment."
"So what changed?" Quinn asks, afraid and hopeful of the answer.
"Everything Quinn. I just, it used to be the only reason I allowed myself to just dream of reaching New York after graduation was my dads. Now there's you and Lulu and Glee. And I'm currently torn between my dreams and my reality." answered Rachel with so much passion Quinn's heart skipped a beat.
"Rach-" Quinn stars but was interrupted as Rachel sits up and she follows suit.
"I need you to know that I'm invested in your and Lulu's life, you both a part of me now,both a part of my family. And me leaving would entailI leaving all of you behind, to follow this dream that has now changed to being just that a dream. It does not mean that I am no longer improving and evloving myself for broadway, because I am. But some light has been shed on certain areas of my life and priorities that I re-evaluated and came to a conclusion that I will still have Broadway and New York after High School."
"Are-, are you saying No to this opportunity?" Quinn asked
"That is where the problem lies, Quinn, I feel so conflicted and it's making my stomache for a lack of a better term, all acidy." was Rachel's reply.
Quinn laughs at the face Rachel made whilse saying 'all acidy', "If I were in your shoes. I'd do it. Even if it hurts, and I'd miss my friends and family. Chances like this happens once in a lifetime Rach. You deserve this chance to shine like the star that you are." she counters while moving to hold the other girl close.
"I have no justifiable reason to feel the way that I do, I just feel that if I leave now, I will lose so much. And the possibility of that happening has made me change my mind about leaving." Rachel holds her tightly.
"I'm going to be right here. Rach, I'll be right here waiting for you and cheering you on. Nothing has to change. We'll still be friends, and you'd still be Lulu's favortie." was Quinn's whispered promise.
Rachel suddenly sits up, Quinn follows suit and faced Rachel who stared at her with wide eyes, "I-" she starts, swallows and then "Quinn there is something that I need you to kno-"
Quinn panics at this, things between them have evolved so much that it wasn't hard to read each other. Over time both girls had developed a deep friendship and then something more. Both of them have spoken to their peers about this development individually. And all of the gleeks had a bet running when Quinn & Rachel would become "Quinn&Rachel". Rachel had planned on wooing Quinn, but with this opportunity it had to be pushed back, until this moment. But Quinn didn't think it was the right time, she didn't think she deserved Rachel.
Placing her fingers against Rachel's lips, "Don't ok. Don't say it. If you do you'd make it harder for you, for me, for us. Just don't. You can't do that Rachel. Go to New York and take them by storm. Just please don't do what I know you're about to do." She pulls her fingers away and looks down. Rachel was too close.
Quinn could feel Rachel's breath on her cheek, her heart was beating so hard. "But Quinn, I-" Rachel touches her chin and makes them face each other, "I need to say it. I want to say it. I don't want to leave without knowing we had this chance and didn't take it."
Their faces was only inches apart, and Quinn couldn't look away from her Rachel. Her Rachel that was practically laying her heart on her sleeve, but she had to look away. She had to turn around and make Rachel choose New York and not her. Things have changed between them so many times and this, this was something she desperately wanted. But she couldn't be as selfish as she was before. Even if it meant letting Rachel go. She wanted Rachel to reach her dreams of stardom and success, she wanted Rachel to be able to make it. Letting Rachel say it, telling Rachel she felt the same would be reverting back to who she used to be, before Lulu and before Rachel.
"Don't Rachel. I can't ok. Just go to New York. We'll be best of friends. Nothing more, nothing less."
"No Quinn. We could be so much mo-"
"Please Rach. I can't be that on top of everything else. I'm not worth it. It's not worth it. I can't let myself feel that way." She gets out of bed then, and walks to the door. "I don't need to tell you that you're amazing Rach. We all know that you are, and you deserve New York and Julliard and everything else. So take the chance, make it happen."
Rachel just looks at her with sad eyes and trembling lips.
"Make it to the top Berry, or so help me god if you don't I'll hop on a train and kick your tanned ass till it's sparkly and red, then teach Lulu to...to abhor anything musical" She tries to joke, and Rachel only sniffles as an answer.
Quinn just sighs at this, "I know what you feel Rach, but I, I don't deserve you. You deserve so much more than me." and with that final statement she makes her way out the door, and didn't hear Rachel silently whisper "You're worth it Quinn, worth giving up everything for."
It takes them days before they could be around each other without a few tears escaping or fumbled words. It takes Rachel a week and a half to get everything sorted and packed. One dreadful Sunday morning, Rachel was on her way to New York. The gleeks had already said their goodbyes during the send-off party Friday. Quinn was a bit miffed at how Santana kept looking at her with pity and Brittany's constant need to hug her and ask her if she was ok, she really didn't want anyone to remind her how Rachel was really leaving, even if she forced her hand in a way.
-
While waiting for Rachel's flight to be called, Quinn watched with a sad smile as her daughter clung to her H as if she was a human teddy bear.
"love H, Lulu love H." her baby exclaims while giving Rachel sloppy kisses, Rachel laughs at that with tears in her eyes.
"You do huh, how much?" asks the diva.
Lulu proceeds to stretch her arms as wide as she could and exclaims with a grin, "this much H, like momma!" She hugs Rachel again, and then turns around and sees Quinn watching them. "Momma, Hug H?"
She walks slowly towards them willing herself not to cry, crying while saying goodbye to Rachel was such a cliche. And she's already reached her quota of cliches that could last a lifetime.
She vaguely notices David step forward and grab Lulu telling her to say byebye to her H and that they should look at airplanes or something, it's a not so subtle attempt to give them some privacy. She also knows that David knew why Rachel suddenly decided to go ahead and leave Lima. She wasn't sure if she was going to be greatful or mad at him, she resigned herself to coming to a decision for that and all the other things she needed to iron out on their way home.
And just like that night that she found herself with an armful of Rachel Berry. She feels her breath leave her body. Her mind blank except for the knowledge that she was holding Rachel possibly for the last time, and soon she had to let go. She feels Rachel pull back, and had to steel herself from holding on tighter. Rachel raises her head and looks at her forlornly. She feels the hands on her hips tighten their grip as if she was afraid Quinn would bolt.
"Ask me to stay Quinn. Tell me to stay here with you and I will. New York and everything connected to it will still be there tomorrow or months from now. But I need you to ask me to stay." She hears tears in Rachel's voice, and with one hand wipes a few that escaped her eyes.
"I don't think I've ever told you how beautiful you are. You are so beautiful Rachel, it breaks my heart how beautiful you are and how I never knew it just reflected who you were inside." said Quinn, as if she didn't hear a word that Rachel just uttered.
"Tell me to stay Quinn. Nothing has to happen beyond that for now, Just don't let me go."Rachel said almost begging, and Quinn just shakes her head at that.
"I'm letting you do this Rachel Berry. I need to let you go. Someone as wonderful and amazing as you doesn't deserve to stay stuck in Lima, doesn't deserve someone like me. You're a star Rachel, I can't stand in the way." whispered Quinn close to tears.
"Quinn, please don't do this. Don't let me go thinking you don't-" pleaded Rachel.
Quinn was so close to giving in Rachel never begged for anything, but she had to stay strong for herself, for Rachel, "But I do, so so much. And I know you don't understand why I'm doing this. I need you to know that it's because I do, and this is the only way I know how."
And as much as she told herself she shouldn't, As much as she pretend she was being strong. In the end she wasn't, she couldn't stop herself from wanting to know how it felt to kiss Rachel, how it felt to be kissed by Rachel.
It was a short kiss, almost fleeting and still she knew it was going to be one of the most amazing kisses she'd ever have in her entire life. But she pulls away cause if she doesn't she'll never let go, and she couldn't do that to the one person who deserved the world in a silver platter. "I'm sorry..." She whispers, and finally lets her hand fall to her side and walks away. Not once looking back, even as she heard Rachel sob, and Aaron's comforting words.
She couldn't bare to look at the plane as it flew away, even if Lulu kept asking her to say byebye to H. She barely remembers how she got into the car. When the realization that Rachel really was on her way to New York, and that she was the catalyst to it all made her want to claw her eyes out and at the same time cry a river, whichever comes first. She notices Aaron glancing at the rear view mirror at her reflection. She takes a deep breath and breaks the silence that enveloped the small moving vehicle.
Quinn breaks the silence by saying, "We can be out of your hair by Tuesday."
She suddenly grabs unto Lulu and her carseat when David swerves, once he has complete control of the car, Aaron reaches over and rubs his Quinn utters a mortified 'I'm so sorry'. Turning around to look at her Aaron just gives her a blank look and says, "We'll talk about it later Quinn.", she almost didn't want to reach the Berry's.
