Once again, Soldier had followed the Commander's command to a tee. And that, Scout couldn't bear any longer. "Jeez, why's it you're doing everything the gal says?"

The old warrior took offense: "That's not a chick you prebubescent nostril! That's a superior officer, and a superior's orders must ALWAYS be followed!"

Sniper didn't buy any of it. "You don't even follow your own orders mate, what's this all about?"

All of a sudden, the atmosphere changed, darker... More... Realist? Our favorite rocketeer sighed: "Ah.. This is a story that would bring a tear to my eye if I hadn't drank them all already." he cleared his throat and called to the rest of the elite soldiers of installation 2B4U, in their fancy armors: "Hey! Everyone! Come closer! Let me retell you the story of the time where I disobeyed an order for the very last time..."

The cantina gathered, not very reluctantly. Distractions were rare in this thankless job of Space-Vampire-Slaying.

The old war-dog began: "It was back when the World was still at war against the Medics..."

The Doktor was puzzled: "Excuse me?"

"Quiet Fritz, I am in reminiscion. But first..." Soldier lifted a lone finger, then grabbed the water pitcher a metal soldier had in hand. Struggling for a second, our Merc was victorious and drank everything it contained. He probably needed that to moisten his throat for his tale.

"Back in those earliest days." he began again. "I had been assigned to what I still consider the greatest unit I was ever a part of..."


FLASHBACK STARTS!


The setting is the rural mountains of Switzerland. The sun was shining, the bees were buzzing, the mountains didn't say much. A small village of stone houses and barns had been deserted. The earth around the building had been overturned by exlosions, but the surroundings were quiet, if you could ignore the man in green uniform screaming at the top of his lungs.

"You are the WORST unit I was ever a part of! And that is an immutable fact that will trancend aaaaall of History. When I retell the story of these days, I will not hesitate to speak about you in the most humiliating manner you can possibly imagine!"

The eldest man of the audience approached, shivering from fear.

"M-m-mister Soldier, Ja? Like nous told you about twelve times already, wir are n-not américains soldiers. We sommes Swiss. C-civilians. Farmers. Non-combatants. We just want to live. Please stop destroying our Dorf?"

A volley of rockets flew into the fields, scattering dirt and mud around. Soldier made a scary half-face, because of his oversized helmet.

"NUAH! Stop speaking in code already! The coast is clear! I've assaulted the perimeter this morning and not one of those pesky enemies of freedom have shown up to fight me. Now reveal your true colors!"

"I'm just the mayor! Please stop..." Another younger man placed a tired hand on the orator's shoulder. He whispered in his ear: "Don't bother Patrick. He kann not understand us. Do like we practiced, d'accord?"

A look of indescrible embarassment invaded the wrinkled leader, but he resolved to end this: "You are right Herr Soldier. You've always been right." he managed to word out.

"Of course I was-am-will-be, maggot!"

With great effort, the rest of the theatre played out: "I am actually Captain Patrick of the... Nice Cross In Square unit... There's unser... our flag here, you see?"

Near to the church was the Swiss flag in its square shape. It barely picked up wind, but Soldier was completely convinced, at least on some aspects.

"My GOD. You're a Captain? You?" he shouted.

"Yes, and ich have some orders for you from... Er... American Command?"

Soldier walked closer, close enough to smell the hairs growing out of the mayor's nose. "Command?"

"Yes... The périmetre you checked? Some enemies have appeared there, under... under the bushes yes. But you must absolutely NOT go and look for them."

Soldier gasped: "You want me to stay here and obey that ridiculous order Captain?"

"Erm... Oui?"

"In your dreams! You may be my superior officer, but I will show you how America wins a war you unpatriotic hillbillies!"

Soldier ran towards the hills screaming, his rocket launcher refurnished and his shotgun cocked for action. Once he disappeared behind the green grass, the inhabitants breathed a sigh of relief.

"It worked, thank Gott ça worked." whisperred the mayor.

"Hurry with the sleeping pills and the tomato juice!" said another man.

Each villager splatted the red liquid over their clothes and acquired the pills that befitted their physiology, thanks to the assistance of the village's pharmacist. But some had reservation over this extreme method.

"Du are sure it will work? This man is just tellement... Chaotic?" said a woman.

The young man who had supported the elder reassured her. "I'd gladly break my arm over spending another minute with ce lunatic! Und besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

A few minutes later, our hero returned, dirtied and empty handed. He grumbled out loud: "I didn't find the bushes, damn krauts hid them well. But I'm sure if we pull our efforts we can dig deep enough to..."

A vision of horror befell him. The entire villaged was lying dead were they once stood, covered in blood and immobile. Soldier fell to his knees from the shock.

"Dear God..."

A bit of water found it's way on his face, as if it started raining from inside his iron bucket for a hat.

"It was my fault. All my fault... Ikk... I only I... If I hadn't..." the pressure brought him on all four, the pain was more than he had ever felt. "Damn you Soldier, never forget this feeling. Remember, remember the orders. Win the war at all cost! Obey the orders!" He took out his headwear and saluted the group one final time. "I will drink my tears in remembrance of you all, my dear comrades. May their taste be the thing the world sees of them." he placed his helmet against his cheek and waited for the salty pearls to fill it up. It didn't take as long as it should have.


FLASHBACK STOPS!


"Ah, the memories. They followed me throughout the years." he confessed.

The assembly was silent. One of the Guardsmen took a piece of tissue and blew his bucket head with it, Spy was disgusted. By what was he disgusted you ask? The idiocy or the hygiene you wonder? The answer was yes.

Still quiet, Soldier took another full pitcher and ended it the same way as the last. Reinvigorated, he concluded: "Finest men I ever buried..."

...

Suddenly, the mass murderer stood up, massaging his lower tummy. "Men! I'm going to the John, scream if one of those Space Vampires comes by!"


To learn more about Team Fortress' adventures in the secret Space-Vampire-Defense-Force, check out the ongoing story "Team Fortress 2 : Bad for You"! Not on sale, but available in your nearest internet!