A/N: Not sure where I got this idea…Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
Title: Hot Potato
Rating/Genre: T-Humor
Characters: A lot of them!
Hot Potato
Byakuya's eye twitched.
Renji flinched.
"Renji."
"I…I know this looks bad, taichou, but…eh…you see…Zaraki-taichou needed me to…a-and I just couldn't object, so…"
"You don't taste like Baldy!!" the pink-haired creature shouted as she continued to nibble on the stoic man's head.
Byakuya's eye twitched again, and his hand rose. Renji covered his face with his arms and cried, "Don't kill me!!"
The said hand pointed a finger out the open door to his office. "Get. Rid. Of. Her. NOW."
Renji took slow and cautious steps towards his taichou, and began prying the small monster off his hair. After a few tough and painful tugs, Renji finally got her off.
As the 6th division fukotaichou headed out the door, he stopped and looked back. "Eh, taichou…would you like me to help you clean the saliva out of your ha—"
"GET OUT!!"
-:-
"Spinny! Spinny! Spinny! Go, taichou, go!"
"Y-Yachiru fukotaichou, it is not good for you to take advantage of Tousen-taichou's…eh…vision-disability! Please refrain from this!"
'I knew I shouldn't have taken her from Renji!'
"Aww! But No-Eyes-Taichou still has to pin the tail on the donkey! Right, No-Eyes?"
"H…Help me…."
"See? We're having so much fun! You should join in, Tattoo Face!"
Hisagi sighed and rubbed his temples. 'Damn you, Renji.'
Desperate times called for desperate measures. Quickly, he dug through his pockets and took out a single piece of candy. He waved it around in the air and in no time, the aroma had attracted the small girl's attention.
"You want the candy? Huh? Do you?" he taunted her like she was a dog, then through it out the open window. "Go get it, Yachiru-fukotaichou!"
Yachiru was gone in a second, and Hisagi rubbed that small amount of perspiration off his brow and sighed.
THUD!
Tousen slammed face-first into the wall, completely missing the poster of the donkey…on the other side of the room.
-:-
"Motsumoto."
"Yeees, taichou?"
"What is that?"
"What?"
"That."
"That? Those are papers, taichou! You filled them out this morning! Silly taichou--!"
"Not that, that."
"The crayons? Those are used for coloring all sorts of—."
"No! Not that! THAT."
"Silly, silly taichou! That is your desk! You work there when you—."
"Motsumoto! What is on my desk with my papers and the crayons!?"
"Ooooh! Uh…that's the 11th division fukotaichou."
"Okay, and what is she doing here?"
"Umm…I found her outside and brought her in here!"
"Why??"
"Because…she looked bored and I told her that I'd find her something to do. If I do this, then I'll get a higher rank in the Shinigami Women's Association!"
"So…you let her DESTROY my paperwork for some stupid rank!?"
"Yep!"
"Arghhh……get rid of her, Matsumoto."
"Taichou! You're so mean! Meany, meany taichou! I'm never going to hug you again!"
"Good."
CRASH!
"Oh-no! I spilled Big-Boobies' cup of nasty-water everywhere!"
"Heh heh. T-Taichou…"
"MOTSUMOTO!!"
-:-
Nanao was about to have a panic attack.
"Don't swing on the chandelier, Yachiru-fukotaichou!"
"No! Not the vases!" CRASH!
"Give me back my glasses and cease your movements right now!"
"Argh! No, my schedule book is not for eating!"
'DAMN YOU MATSUMOTO!!'
Finally, poor Nanao had the speedy beast held down, and as she struggled to regain air into her tired lungs, she looked over to her drunkard of a captain passed out over the 8th division lobby table.
'How…how can he sleep through such commotion!? Oh well, at least the bastard wasn't spared from her wrath.' She thought as she stared at her captain's face, which was graffitied with black ink. A big fat LOSER was printed on his forehead, not to mention a face full of scribbles and drawings.
'I feel the need to give her more colors and let her have fun with him…'
She sighed and shook her head.
'No one's that cruel.'
-:-
"You disgusting little ball of flesh, I said don't touch anything!"
"What's this, Clown Face?"
"That? Well, it's concentrated— wait a minute, no! Put that down!"
"What's this?"
"THAT is something your feeble little brain would never be able to concoct in a million years! So if I were you, I'd put that down before you—!"
CRASH!
"Uh-oh…"
"You repugnant little creature, do you have any idea what you've done!? You've doomed us all!"
"Eww, it's growing!"
"NEMU!"
"Yes, Mayuri-sama."
"This is all your fault! Now take this annoying thing and dump it somewhere deserted! Somewhere on the far ends of the earth!"
"Yes, Mayuri-sama."
"Quickly! Go! And send for the clean-up crew! My god, it's growing green tentacles! EEEH, it just hissed at me!"
-:-
"Like this, Fox-Face?" She pulled back and aimed.
"Yep! An…Fire!"
FLICK!
POW!
"Ouch!" Kira squealed.
"Banzai!" came the happy shriek of both his taichou and the pink-haired child sent shivers through his soul.
"Pl…Please, taichou, don't encourage her! I'm b-b-begging you!"
"Oh, cheer up, Kira-kuuun! Wer' jus' haven' a little fun!"
FLICK!
POW!
"Yay! Another hit!"
"Ouch!" Kira squealed again, and rubbed his eye where the paperwork sheet that was folded up into a triangular device had flung into his eye…for the second time.
"Hold still, Izurun! I wanna to shoot again!"
"Yeah, Kira-kuun! Oi, Yachiru, try an' aim fer his mouth!"
"Okay!"
"No! Taichou, please!"
FLICK!
POW!
"Ouch! My tongue!"
"Banzai!"
'I have to get her out of here! How am I going to distract Ichimaru-taichou?'
"Look, Ichimaru-taichou!" Kira pointed out the back window, "Matsumoto-san's kimono is open!"
"Huh?" Gin whipped his head around, and while he was distracted, Kira snatched Yachiru up and hauled ass out the 3rd division office.
"I don' see—huh?" Gin turned his head around, only to see nothing but his office door in shreds.
-:-
"I don't know whether to be scared or disgusted."
"I think both would be acceptable, Ukitake-taichou."
"Ah, thank you, Rukia-san."
The three subordinates and one captain stared at the horrific sight in silence. Apparently, Yachiru had found Ukitake's stash of candy, and now it looked like a lion devouring the insides of it's freshly caught prey.
Sentarou took a step forward. "Should we…?"
"I don't think it to be wise to get any closer, Sentarou. It might attack you."
"Obviously the buffoon has never dealt with kids! Move!" Kiyone hissed at Sentarou. Slowly, she crept towards the wild figure and knelt down, extending a hand. "Yachiru-chan! It's me, Kiyone! Listen, we—."
In a flash, the small wild figure turned around and chomped the air next to Kiyone's hand. Kiyone screamed bloody-murder and fell back on her bottom, scrambling backwards and grabbing onto her taichou's leg.
"She…she…she tried to bite me!"
"Looks like you've never dealt with kids either, booger girl!" Sentarou retorted.
"Sh-Shut-up, Gorilla Face!"
"Bite me, Troll!"
"Why would I bite something that looks like puke!"
"Enough, both of you! This is not the time!" Ukitake softly scolded. He scratched his head in confusion.
'What to do…what to do…Ah! Got it!'
"Rukia-san, go and get me a burlap sack."
Rukia didn't ask questions and sped off to get one. She came back minutes later and handed it to him.
Slowly, Ukitake crept up to Yachiru, bag in hand.
'On the count of three; One…Two…Three!'
The 13th division taichou pounced and trapped the girl in the bag. "Got her!" She put up a good fight, and managed to punch the poor taichou in the stomach.
He gave the bag to Rukia. "Please…do something with her!" he wheezed painfully
"Y-Yes, taichou!" Rukia took the bag and ran off.
'Sorry, Nii-sama!'
-:-
Byakuya's eye twitched
"Renji."
Renji walked into the office. "Did you want something, taichoOOH MY GOD WHAT IS SHE DOING BACK!?"
"Just what I was going to ask you."
Renji took a few steps back. "I swear, taichou! I..I don't how she came back! I dumped her on Hisagi! I swear! Please don't kill me!"
Byakuya opened his mouth to say something, but just as he was about to, the whole front wall of his office blasted into millions of pieces, and when the debris-filled air was clear, a large figure stepped into the room.
"Zaraki-taichou!" Renji gasped.
Byakuya glared deeper than he had ever had.
"Oi, brat," Kenpachi called for Yachiru, "let's go."
"Coming, Ken-chan!"
Yachiru unlatched herself off of Byakuya's head and jumped on Kenpachi's back.
Just before the two left the room, Kenpachi called over his shoulder. "Oi, Rich Boy. Thanks fer watching over Yachiru an' stuff."
Then, he grinned. "See ya next week."
The room was left in silence
END
A/N: I don't care about the ending; I just wanted to end it! This took forever! But I hoped you all enjoyed it. I also hope to get some good reviews!
Lots of luv to all!
-Joker and the Thief
