Summary: Liz shows up in Stars Hollow. Lorelai and Rory continue to grow apart. R/J. (Sequel to Oh, to Be Amish.)
Rating: PG-13
Feedback: Greatly appreciated. I won't withhold writing for feedback, but it certainly makes it feel more worthwhile. I'll put each chapter up seperately, one day at a time to keep people interested. Anything you want to tell me, a line or scene you liked, would honestly make my day.
Author's Notes
: This takes place sometime in the future. The events in the Previously on... are partially fictional (some from Oh, to Be Amish) and partially things that have actually happened on the show. The title is from an Erma Bombeck book: Motherhood, the Second Oldest Profession. The Emily Dickinson sex conversation comes from Alex in my English class; it was pretty funny when he said it. Much thanks to Bella for her wonderful, insightful, and understanding help: she's my psychic fic twin!
Music references: The la-las. (There's a bunch of variations. Imagine whichever one you want.) The Barenaked Ladies. Five for Fighting. Third Eye Blind. A theme I'm calling Townie Mischief. (See the scene in Christopher Returns, where Miss Patti spreads the word about Chris through town for an example of what I mean. It's sort of sneaky sounding.)
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They, and some of the scenes in the previously on are not my own writing, they belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino and the other creators of the Gilmore Girls universe.

*


Announcer: Previously on Gilmore Girls...

(LUKE talking to LORELAI.)
Luke: There's nothing to get. It's just Liz. She's too busy, she can't handle him, she's sending him here.

(LUKE on the phone in the diner.)

Luke: This is unbelievable! You won't ever change, will you?

(MIA and LORELAI walking through Stars Hollow at night and talking.)

Mia: That inn is like your place now. Without you I wouldn't know what to do, I'd be lost.
Lorelai: Well, we're waiting for this perfect location to free up, that's all that's delaying us. But I promise you'll have plenty of notice and I'll be there to find our replacements and train them.

(LUKE and JESS in the apartment. LUKE's on the phone.)

Luke: Yeah? Yeah, Liz, he got here fine.
Jess: (sarcastically) Got here at ten this morning.

(LUKE and LORELAI talking during their sleigh ride.)

Luke: Okay, well that means Jess has some time off from school. His mom knew that and she never called.
Lorelai: Ugh, it makes me sick

(LORELAI yelling at RORY after she spent the night out with DEAN.)
Lorelai: You are going on the pill.
Rory: What?
Lorelai: You're not getting pregnant.

(LORELAI walks in on RORY and JESS making out.)

(LORELAI and RORY in the middle of an argument.)

Lorelai: From now on, he's not to be in this house if I'm not here!

(LORELAI runs into the inn's kitchen, clutching a piece of paper.)
Lorelai: Sookie! She signed it! We own the inn now!
Sookie: Oh my god!
Lorelai: I know! Can you believe it? (They hug.)

(RORY and LORELAI talking on the steps of the new inn.)
Rory: (crosses her arms) You know I'm not going to stop dating him.
Lorelai: (sighs) I know.
Rory: And you're okay with that?
Lorelai: No. But it doesn't look like I have a choice, do I?

(MIA is talking on the phone with LORELAI.)
Mia: I hired your replacement yesterday. Angela Amerro.
Lorelai: Oh, that's great.
Mia: She's only worked in big hotels, so she's new to the country inn atmosphere. I know the Dragonfly's open now, but do you still have time to give her a hand? Just while she gets started?
Lorelai: Sure. I said I'd do it. I've never let you down before, have I?

(JESS presses the button on the answering machine.)

Woman's voice: Hey sweetie, it's me. (his face tightens) I know you're at school, but I had a minute, so...Anyway. I hope you're— (JESS angrily hits a button. LUKE walks in just in time to hear the machine announce message deleted.)
Luke: Not important?
Jess: Nope.

*

(Pan across the crowded town meeting, people shifting in their seats and chatting. LUKE enters, JESS trailing reluctantly behind.)
Jess: This is stupid!
Luke: (looking around for an empty seat) It's not stupid, it's the American democracy at work. (JESS raises his eyebrows meaningfully and LUKE concedes.) Okay, it is stupid, but if I don't show up here every week as the voice of reason, Taylor will take over the town and be regulating window curtains like the mad dictator he secretly is.
Jess: So? It's curtains.
Luke: It's the principle of the thing.
(There are no seats open, so they lean against the back wall.)
Jess
: I have stuff I could be doing.
Luke: What stuff? (JESS shrugs, annoyed.) Relax. We won't be here that long.
(TAYLOR, looking peeved, pounds his gavel on the podium.)

Taylor: People, please! (The crowd quiets, but there are still murmurings.) I'll stand here all night if I have to.
Luke
: Taylor, if you stand there all night, I'm goin' home.
Jess: Amen. (turns to leave)
Luke: Where do you think you're going?
Jess
: You just said—
Luke
: Don't move! (JESS rolls his eyes but stays.)
Taylor: (With a withering look in LUKE's direction.) The first subject on the agenda tonight is a matter of great importance. (pompously) As you all know, I am the head of the Stars Hollow Historical Society...
Lorelai: (under her breath to BABETTE) And the only member. (BABETTE nods knowingly.)
Taylor: (raises his voice a little) ...and as the head of the S.H.H.S. it is my duty to make sure that all town records are properly organized and archived. Because the society has been leaderless for far too long, the documents were in a frightful disarray, let me tell you. It took me three weeks to get through the death certificates alone!
Luke: (losing patience) Where is this going, Taylor?
Taylor: (doesn't acknowledge LUKE) In my cleaning, I came across a file with all the laws and regulations of Stars Hollow, dating back to our very founding in 1779. And in that file, I found this! (holds up a battered document in a plastic protective cover) I was aghast to discover that we have been breaking one of our own town's valuable laws!
Miss Patti: What does it say?
Taylor: (clears his throat and reads aloud) The seventeenth of July in the year of our Lord 1779. From this day forward it is hereby declared that no persons residing in this township, defined as all land between Hardgale's creek to Mulaney's upper field, be allowed to engage in public acts of a physical nature, excepting of course in the areas directly bordering on the local house of ill repute.
Miss Patti: (laughing) That's a good one, Taylor!
Taylor: (offended) What is so funny?
Lorelai: (suppressing a giggle) Well, you were kidding, right?
Taylor: The laws our forefathers laid down for us are no laughing matter, young lady.
(There is a silence as everyone shoots each other raised-eyebrow looks. Suddenly, everyone begins shouting, talking, protesting at once. JESS leans over to LUKE.)
Jess: Won't be here that long, huh? (LUKE closes his eyes in despair.)

(opening credits)

(The town meeting is abuzz with angry chatter. TAYLOR is pounding with his gavel again.)
Taylor: Will everybody please sit down and be quiet! If you have something to say, please wait your turn.
Luke: Taylor, it's ridiculous for us to run our lives by some Puritan edict!
Taylor: (snidely) Maybe so, but it's the law.
Luke: But it's absurd! I mean, no public displays of affection?! What the hell is that about?!
Taylor: Is that such a bad thing? The Puritans were a bit conservative, but you have to admit they ran a well organized community.
Luke: Does the name Hester Prynne ring any bells for you?!
Kirk: (raises his hand) I think I dated her in high school.
Luke: Shut up, Kirk.
Lorelai: (helpfully) Luke's right, Taylor. This is beyond ridiculous.
Babette: You tell em, sugar.
Lorelai: I believe I speak for everyone here when I say that we have to get rid of this law.
Taylor: Oh, is that so?
Lorelai: (looks around) All those in favor of the law? (KIRK half raises his hand, looks around, and lowers it.) All those against? (All hands go up.)
Luke: You see, Taylor? This is crazy!
Taylor: Really, I don't know what you want me to do!
Lorelai: (sarcastically) Uh, change the law?
Taylor: I don't have that kind of power. It could take years to get the state to change it.
Luke: You don't have to enforce it.
Taylor: (horrified) Are you suggesting that I knowingly let my fellow citizens break the law?
Luke: Are you suggesting that you're actually going to punish people for doing something like holding hands?! What's the penalty for that—being locked in the stocks overnight?
Taylor: Well, we looked into that, but unfortunately it falls under cruel and unusual punishment these days. For the present we've fixed the fine at $20.
Luke: Oh my god!
Andrew: (stands up angrily) How come we've never even heard about this law before?
Taylor: (rolls his eyes) Well, the last curator of the historical society had a habit of losing important information left and right, so I would say—
Babette: (points an accusing finger) You leave my mother out of this, Taylor!
Taylor: Babette, you know full well that your mother couldn't alphabetize to save her life!
Babette: (seething to LORELAI) I'm telling you, Lorelai, if this meeting doesn't end soon...
Lorelai: I'll take care of it. (stands up) Taylor, where would one obtain a permit to run a brothel?
Taylor: Oh for heaven's sakes.
Lorelai: No really. Can I get one?
Taylor: Absolutely not. The last thing this town needs is a brothel.
Lorelai: (innocently) It's an honest profession.
Miss Patti: She's right, Taylor.
Taylor: (flustered) This meeting is dismissed!
Lorelai: (sitting down, to BABETTE) Problem solved! (smiles triumphantly)

(Outside, LORELAI hurries through the dispersing crowd.)
Lorelai: Hey, wait up! (LUKE turns around as she catches up. JESS drops back a few paces.)
Luke: Hey, yourself. Where's Rory tonight?
(LORELAI opens her mouth, but before she can say anything, JESS answers instead.)
Jess: Geez, I already told you, she's on a school trip in Maine. (LORELAI closes her mouth, surprised and a little hurt.)
Luke: (remembering) Oh, right, you did tell me. (to JESS) When's she getting back?
Lorelai: (answering instead) Tomorrow.
Luke: (unaware of the power struggle going on) Oh, good.
Lorelai: Yeah, it is. (They're approaching the diner.) Are you still open?
Luke: Why?
Lorelai: Coffee withdrawal. If I don't get some soon there may be an impromptu reenactment of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Luke: You need a twelve step program. (He unlocks the door, and as they enter JESS elbows past them.) Hey, where are you going?
Jess: Upstairs! (He exits.)
Lorelai: (makes a face) Someone's cranky.
Luke: (going behind the counter) Nah, just lonely.
Lorelai: Lonely?
Luke: Yeah, you know. He misses Rory.
Lorelai: Oh. (sits down at the counter)
Luke: (perceptively) You miss her too, don't you?
Lorelai: Yeah. (He pours a full mug for her and she takes it.) It's not as bad as when she was in Washington all summer, but it's still...the house seems so empty. And talking to myself gets so old. At least when Rory's around I can pretend someone's listening.
Luke: So what, you just sit around and chat with your microwave?
Lorelai: Oh, the microwave isn't speaking to me. See, I yelled at the toaster this morning, and the appliances have this annoying thing about solidarity. Something in the union contact.
Luke
: (deadpan) Your appliances have a union?
Lorelai: Of course! Don't yours?
Luke: (chuckles) No. What's it for?
Lorelai: To make sure we don't overuse them, fix them when they're broken, stuff like that. Rory usually does the negotiating, though. (sighs) I need her at home.
Luke: (glances at her) She is going to be gone next year, though.
Lorelai: (covers her face with her hands) Ugh, don't remind me. (She sighs, then lowers her hands.) Some meeting, huh?
Luke: I'm gonna wring Taylor's neck.
Lorelai: Tell me about it. I think we're about two steps from wearing grey and burning witches. (She smiles absently and takes a sip of coffee.)
Luke: So were you really serious about getting that permit?
Lorelai: (wide-eyed) Absolutely. You know, I think not only would it be really cool, and get rid of that pesky law problem, but it could have some amazing benefits. My mother would have a heart attack, for instance.
Luke: (offers helpfully) It would spice up your resume.
Lorelai: (grins) Exactly! Plus, it would make for great conversation on blind dates! (She laughs awkwardly and they both look away, fighting the same persistent thought.)
Luke: (after a pause) So, what's Rory doing in Maine?
Lorelai: Oh, it's some kind of senior thing Chilton does. The whole grade stays at an inn and (using finger quotes) Personally, I think it sounds like more of a recipe for sex than friendship, but hey, who am I to argue with tradition?
Luke: She having fun?
Lorelai: I hope so.
Luke: She sounded fine when she called the other night, but—
Lorelai: (shocked) Wait, she called here?
Luke: Yeah, to talk to Jess. Why, haven't you heard from her?
Lorelai: (upset) No. (Upstairs, JESS turns on music. The bass beat pounds through the ceiling.)
Luke: Maybe she called while you were out.
Lorelai: (uncertainly) Maybe. (She stares unhappily at the stairs, not voicing her concern.)

(Independence Inn the next day. LORELAI is behind the desk, talking on the phone.)
Lorelai: Uh huh, well no, that doesn't sound too good. (She receives a key from a guest checking out and mouths ) No, I'm still here, Sookie. (pause) Yeah, I got that, I'm just not understanding why you need me. (pause) Why can't you do that? (pause) I see. Okay, here's the deal. I'm supposed to pick Rory up in (checks her watch) five minutes, so I can't be there for another half hour or so. Can you handle things until then? Kay, I'll see you soon. (She hangs up, looking stressed, and notices a couple waiting to be checked in.) Michel, can you come check these people in? I have to leave!
Michel: (enters, carrying a stack of mail to be opened, and sets it down dramatically on the desk) I quit.
Lorelai: Uh oh. What'd Angela do now?
Michel: She tells me that I am to oversee the plumber on the third floor.
Lorelai: So?
Michel: So it is not in my job description to watch a man with a wrench bend over so his pants reveal his buttocks.
Lorelai: Okay, tell you what. Do it this once, avert your eyes, and I'll talk to Angela in the morning, okay?
Michel: But—
Lorelai: Great, thanks, I'll see you tomorrow. (She hurries out, leaving a disgruntled MICHEL.)

(Center of Stars Hollow. La-las. The bus has pulled up and people are disembarking. LORELAI hurries through the crowd, searching until she spots RORY.)
Lorelai: Hey, sorry I'm late!
Rory: (whirls around) Mom! (throws her arms around LORELAI and hugs her) I missed you!
Lorelai: Aw, I missed you too! The house gets lonely without you, babe. (pulls back, but holds onto RORY's arms) The appliances are all on strike!
Rory: Oh no! Did you threaten the toaster again?
Lorelai: (pouts) I didn't really mean it. (RORY looks disapproving.) What?! He burned my finger! (She laughs and lets go of RORY.) Okay, I hate to do this to you, but Sookie really needs me at the Dragonfly, so we'll have to save the serious heart-to-heart for later. I'll just check quickly—did you have fun?
Rory: Yes.
Lorelai: Did you come back intact? No sex, drugs, or rock and roll?
Rory: No sex or drugs. I'll admit to some rock and roll experimentation, but I never inhaled.
Lorelai: Good to know. Let's get your bags.
Rory: (uncertainly) Oh, actually...
Jess: (appearing at her side) I got them. (sets down aforementioned bags)
Lorelai: (smiling, but not quite meaning it) Oh. Hi. Jess.
Jess: (tight, false smile) Hi. (He stands at RORY's shoulder, and there's an awkward silence.)
Lorelai: Well, I'd better get to the inn. (RORY watches her worriedly, JESS impassively.) The applicants for assistant chef are waiting, but Sookie's having some sort of crisis with dinner and can't leave to interview them, because she doesn't have an assistant chef to do the cooking. Yet. Thus why I'm going to help. (laughs nervously) It's very Catch-22...(embarrassed to be rambling) anyway, I should get over there. (to RORY) I, uh, probably won't be home for dinner, is that okay?
Rory: (smiles) Sure. We were going to go drop my stuff at home, then have dinner at Luke's. (sweetly concerned) You want us to bring something over for you?
Lorelai: No, I'll eat there. You two go ahead, have fun.
Rory: Okay. Tell Sookie I said hi.
Lorelai: I will.
(Sad la-las start playing as LORELAI slowly walks away. She looks back, watching as RORY says something imperceptible to JESS, who bends his head closer, grinning, and answers just as quietly. RORY laughs, her face glowing.)

(Stars Hollow at night. RORY and JESS are walking side by side around the town square. JESS has his hands in his pockets.)
Rory: (appreciatively) It's good being home. (looks around) That's one of the great things about Stars Hollow: nothing ever changes.
Jess: Actually, Taylor changed his produce display to reflect the spring vegetables. (points)
Rory: You're kidding! (She stares, then turns back to him with a look of mock horror.) How could I not have noticed? (grabs his arm, fooling around) Maybe my eyes have stopped working! I'll have to get dark sunglasses and a seeing eye dog. Or a cane!
Jess: (amused) A cane?
Rory: I don't think you're grasping the seriousness of this situation! I'm eighteen years old and I'm losing my eyesight!
(Indulgently, he stops and takes her face in his hands, pretending to examine her eyes with the utmost concern. She goes along with the pantomime.)
Jess: (slowly) They look fine, but...hold on. (holds up two fingers) How many fingers?
Rory: (squints) Three.
Jess: (laughs) Ooh, close. Try again. (She takes his fingers in one hand, pulling them to the side, as she kisses him playfully, breaking away before he can respond.)
Rory: (taking his hand) I missed you.
Jess: (smiles to himself) Same.
(They walk hand in hand up the steps of the gazebo and sit on the bench. JESS sprawls back, legs stretched out, arm on the back of the seat. RORY leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. Easy Tonight by Five for Fighting begins playing quietly.)
Rory
: Did you read the book I gave you?
Jess: The Emily Dickinson one? Sure.
Rory: (pleased) And?
Jess: I don't know. All her stuff seems to be about sex.
Rory: (laughing, but a little bewildered) What?! That's not true!
Jess: (confidently) Sure it is.
Rory: (protesting) She was a recluse! She never even talked to anyone!
Jess: All the more reason for her to be writing about sex. (explaining) Look, when you live in a society where everything passionate or physical is taboo, all those emotions and thoughts have to go somewhere. She channeled them into her writing. Haven't you ever read The Awakening?
Rory: (defensively) Of course! (pause, then doubtfully, with a hint of laughter) So you're saying that since society didn't let Emily Dickinson express her sensuality in public, she was forced to take action in private?
Jess: Yes—by writing poetry. (She looks at him, not quite buying it.) It actually begins to make sense if you think about it for long enough. Besides, it teaches us something.
Rory: What, not to lock yourself in a house for 25 years?
Jess: No. (casually) By marking something off-limits, society actually fuels the desires and actions it wishes to prevent.
(The conversation is loaded, and they both realize it. The music crescendos on the chorus. Slowly, he leans forward, tentative inside the moment. The kiss is passionate; he drops one hand to her leg and slides closer to her on the bench. She has just tangled both arms around his neck when a flashlight beam illuminates both their faces and they break apart, him holding up a hand to shield their eyes. The music halts abruptly.)
Jess
: What the—
Kirk: (holding up the flashlight with one hand and a badge with the other) As acting deputy for the Stars Hollow police, I have the power to charge you with an active violation of the law and fine you each twenty dollars.
Rory: Kirk, you're kidding!
Kirk: I'm afraid not.

(Quiet transition la-las. LORELAI is balancing the inn's budget on a laptop at the kitchen table. An untouched cup of coffee sits beside her; she's slumped over, wearing glasses, exhausted and overwhelmed. The front door slams and she sits up as RORY comes storming into the kitchen.)
Lorelai: (brightly) Hey, you. (RORY heads straight for her bedroom and LORELAI stands to follow her.) Is everything okay? (RORY's sitting at her desk, digging around in a drawer. LORELAI tries to sound neutral.) Rory? Did you and Jess have a fight?
Rory: (stands up to face her mother, brandishing a twenty dollar bill) Were you aware that this town is certifiably crazy?! (goes back out to the kitchen)
Lorelai: Well, yeah. (follows her, confused) I thought we liked that. We agreed that it was wacky enough to keep my parents from visiting, but stopped just short of really weird, Northern Exposure territory. Actually, I agreed. You were a baby, so your main contribution to the discussion was gurgling.
Rory: I just got fined twenty dollars for (pulls out a slip of paper and reads from it) conduct unbecoming of a lady!
Lorelai: (sits down) Uh oh.
Rory: (starting to pace) Apparently, our wacky little town no longer allows public displays of affection!
Lorelai: (almost to herself) I can't believe Taylor's going through with this.
Rory: (upset) You knew about this?!
Lorelai: I didn't get a chance to tell you! Taylor's unearthed this old law, he's trying to get everyone to follow it! It's all very Scarlet Letter. I may have to start calling you Pearl.
Rory: Please tell me you're joking! (drops into the chair across from LORELAI)
Lorelai: Only about the Pearl part.
Rory: And we're doing nothing?
Lorelai: Babe, I'm going flat-out at the inn as it is! I barely have time to sleep, let alone start petitions or lead protests! (RORY looks depressed, so LORELAI reaches out to grab her hand.) I'm sure Taylor'll forget about it in a week or two.
Rory: (staring at the table) You're probably right.
Lorelai: (kidding) No, sweetie, I'm always right. (beat) And anyway, if he doesn't forget, we can always get a permit to run a brothel. (RORY smiles.) There's that smile. Okay, run along to bed now. Mommy still has to finish this before she can go to sleep.
(RORY gets up and goes into her bedroom; LORELAI sighs and returns to her work.)

(Baby Seat by the Barenaked Ladies begins playing. Aerial shot of a bus pulling into Stars Hollow. It's night, the town is empty and quiet. Only one passenger gets off. She's about forty, sharp featured, slight, with dark hair pulled back in a ponytail: a cross between Catherine Keener and Marin Hinkle. She would be striking if her expression were not so resigned to life's troubles. Her make-up is a little too heavy, but her clothes are neutral and businesslike. She surveys Stars Hollow grimly, taking in the cheery lights on the trees and the well-manicured town common. Her gaze comes to fall on Luke's, the only store that's still lit up. She shoulders her bag as if arming herself, her face impossible to read. On the line You can't live your life, in the baby seat... the camera pulls back to follow her as she slowly crosses the street.)

(first commercial break)