I thought drinking would help get her off my mind, but it's making it worse. All I can think about now is how much heartier Olivia laughs when we drink together, how much she smiles, the deepest confessions we've made a few whiskies in.

I'm pissed that she left. I'm pissed she's still gone. I'm pissed that she hung up the minute I finally had her on the phone. I'm heartbroken that I've lost my best friend.

And yet, the fantasies won't stop.

So I'm going to force them to stop, make myself forget—with Dani Beck.

We're walking to the jeep as I'm making this decision and before she can get in I pull Dani into me and kiss her.

I pull back. It's nothing special. I don't really feel anything, and I know I'm leading her on. I'm an ass, but I need this. So I kiss her again and she responds, kissing me back.

It's going well until my phone rings. I go to turn it off, but it requires me to twist ever so slightly and I see the shadow of someone standing nearby. When I turn, I'm frozen in place.

Olivia.

Her hair is longer, her eyes are wide beneath new bangs, and her mouth is slightly agape.

"I… Sorry, I didn't know…" She turns to leave. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"Liv!" I call to her and start to follow, then realize what she's just seen. I turn back to Dani. "I have to go, I'm sorry," I say, trying to maintain some semblance of being a gentleman, though I don't deserve it.

"Who is that?" Dani asks.

I'm already walking away and don't have time to answer if I want to catch up with Olivia.

I saw her walk into the bar, so I follow her there but can't find her. She seemed upset, so maybe she went to the other exit. I head out the front door and spot her half a block ahead, so I start running. "Liv, wait!"

She turns around and stops when she sees me. "El, go back to your date," she yells as I run to her. "Casey texted and told me where you guys were and I just… I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

I'm finally caught up on the street corner. "You didn't interrupt anything," I explain, out of breath.

She huffs. "Well, in that case, I'd hate to be there when there IS something to interrupt…"

"I…" I have no idea what to say. I don't even want to explain. I want answers. I want to hug her. I want to kiss her. I want to be pissed at her. I decide Dani's not worth explaining and get to the important things. "You're back."

She blinks hard at the change in subject, then starts to turn away as if she is going to start walking again.

"Yeah, Elliot. I'm back." She takes a step, barely, before I grab her arm.

"Stop, Liv." My tone is harsher than I mean for it to be, but it gets her attention. "How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long have you been back in Manhattan?"

She takes a beat. "Does it matter?"

My brows furrow at the comment. Does it matter? She's been gone for months and she doesn't think I want to know when she got back? "How. Long. Olivia?" I punctuate each word instead of getting hot-headed.

She never loses eye contact. "Two days."

My head bobs up and down in a nod. I wonder why she didn't call me right away, but I can't be that possessive. I want to know everything about her time away, but I'm still too pissed she left me in the first place. So, I just nod and say nothing.

"Elliot, go back to your date."

I scoff incredulously. Even though I know she just saw us kissing, the thought of dating Dani is laughable. "She wasn't my date, Liv, she's"—

"Your partner." She finishes the sentence before I can. "I know."

The implications hang in the air like a thick curtain between us. All the unspoken desire, especially after I split with Kathy… the only barrier being our partnership. I feel like I've betrayed her. My eyes soften, and my chest is begging me to profess my love, my want, my struggles without her. Why am I so goddam stubborn?

"It wasn't a date," I repeat. She rolls her eyes, and I can't blame her for not believing me.

"Get out of the way!" A man yells loudly as he shoves into my back. I realize we're on the corner of an intersection and there are swarms of people passing by. I didn't even notice them before. I pull her by the arm and walk until I can find a more private place to talk.

"El, I should just go—"

She's startled when I find a hidden spot between two apartment buildings and pull her between me and the brick wall. We're not touching, but I unintentionally left very little space between us. Something about the proximity is intimate, and I can feel the vulnerability shift. The dark alley mixed with our closeness feels more… honest.

I take a few minutes to gather all the thoughts and emotions swirling around my head. We're quiet for a while, taking each other in, trying to find words.

I hear her take a breath and feel air against my neck as it leaves her lungs. "I missed you," she whispers.

The words allow me to let out the breath I was holding. I lean my hand against the wall next to her, determined to focus on the brick. Looking at her is too confusing right now. "Me too," I say. I take another few beats before I try to put words to what I've wondered since she left. "After… After you came back from computer crimes…" I don't exactly know what I am asking or implying, but it has to be said. "I thought we were good… I thought we had…" She's quiet and I don't feel like I'm explaining well. "I know we fought and I screwed up and you left so we could have some time apart, but when you came back, I thought we were fine."

"We were." She says it so simply.

"Then why did you leave again?"

My eyes are adjusting to the darkness and I look down at her just as a smirk forms on her face. "I know this might come as a shock to you, Stabler, but not everything is about you."

I meet her at her smile and laugh lightly.

"It really was a sudden assignment. You know how Dana is."

"So, I wasn't a dick?"

"I didn't say that." It's a small laugh that she lets out, but it's good to hear. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to say goodbye."

I nod to acknowledge her apology. It was something I needed more than I knew. "You're here now."

Tension grows in my neck when I feel the need to explain what she saw minutes ago. I bring my hand to the crevasse of my neck and shoulder and start to rub.

"It's none of my business, Elliot. You don't have to explain."

I rear my head back slightly. "How do you know what I'm going to say?"

"You're not so hard to read…" she says. "Plus, I've had eight years of practice."

I nod. "But it is your business."

Her head shakes before she turns it away from my stare. She focuses on the people passing by on the street outside our nook.

"Dani was going to be an escape. A… substitute. I just needed…"

Her face is still turned away, but I see her eyes close. "To forget?" she whispers. "Yeah, I get it."

My chest burns a little as I see her thinking of someone she escaped with. I want to kill him—whoever he is. And I want to yell at her for going around fucking some nobody. But I know I can't show my jealousy. No matter how much I think she's acknowledging that she needed to forget about me too. "Dani's a good cop, Liv, but she's… dispensable." I'm terrified of what I'm about to say, what it means, but it's the truth. "Losing her as a partner or… as anything would mean nothing to me…" I bring my hand to her chin and turn her face towards me. I use every ounce of will-power not to kiss her. "But you…" If she only knew how careful I've been over the years not to do anything stupid with her that would break up our partnership. "I can't lose you, Liv. Not again."

I see the understanding form in her eyes, sadness with it. I'm begging God right now that she really does get it. If I lost everything with Dani over one reckless night, none of it would matter. But Olivia is so much more. "Okay," she breathes out.

My eyes flick down to her lips and I miss them, the smile they form, the sass they speak, and I know I'm about to negate my entire speech because I need to kiss her. I've never needed anything so much.

But Olivia bows her head, her lips no longer easily accessible to me. "Please don't," she says. "Not if we…" Her voice trails off.

I close my eyes and shake my head the tiniest bit, trying to snap myself out of it. "I'm sorry," I say. I've just missed her so much that it's hard for me to pull away from this closeness. I want more, I've always wanted more, but seeing her after such a long absence makes her harder to resist. My hands need to touch her, my legs need to walk in step with her, my heart just wants to be close to her. I don't want her to go home yet. "Can I buy you a drink?" I finally ask.

She looks up, one eyebrow peaking quizzically. "Didn't you just leave the bar?"

I shrug. "Drinking with co-workers hasn't been the same lately."

She considers me for a moment, her lips pressed in a straight line, then she nods. "But I'm not in the mood for a crowd anymore. Let's just go to my place."