I may be surrounded by others but I am alone.

I had believed there was no greater pain than the hole that had torn open my chest and ripped out my silent heart- of this I had been so sure- for how can such despair be anymore agonizing.

How unbearably wrong I was...

My existence was like that of a night sky and it felt as though I was apart from myself- staring up at that same eternal cosmos. There in the great expanse a black hole devoured the vast heavens above me. All the points of light-those guiding stars that lead me on a path that was right and good were engulfed in the dark monstrosity within the abyss of space. It violently ripped away the light, swallowed up the beauty right before my eyes until all that was left was a void of darkness so uncontrollable that my wish to gaze upon the stars was insurmountable.

The darkness was all consuming, complete and absolute.

Those gleaming beacons of hope were gone from my sight...

And I was all alone in the desolation...

So very alone

Chapter 1: Blame

My last words to the one to whom holds my heart haunt me. Every time I close my eyes I see her tear stained face- her eyes filled with agony as she believed my deplorable lies with devastating easy. How many times had I told her that I loved her? That she was my very reason to exist? That I was nothing without her? And yet she believed so easily that I didn't want her... How could she believe me so easily!

I craved to wrap her in my arms; to fall to my knees and beg for forgiveness but I need to protect her. I must! How can a beast such as I dare darken a being with such light as sweet Bella.

A week had passed since that fateful day and I lay curled on my couch in my room; trying to hold together the gaping hole that had ripped apart my chest when Carlisle returned from his shift at the hospital in Ithaca. His worry and concern echoed within the confines of my mind as he ascended the stairs. He gave a soft knock before entering not bothering to wait for a response-I wouldn't have given him one. Since we moved here and he started his work he'd come to me the moment he returned home.

He lifted me from my place before bringing me into his embrace, 'Oh my son, my sweet boy- why must you continue to do this to yourself?' He didn't expect a relay for he already knew my reasons. Sometimes he knew me better then I knew myself - just as I knew him. He tried to clear his mind of all his thoughts; focusing on running his hand through my hair trying to give me comfort.

I wished that this was enough, that I could be content with the love of my friend, my constant companion-the man to whom I respected and revered above all others- my father but I couldn't. Not the love of all my family put together could fill the endless abyss that was left after I forced myself from Bella's life.

Carlisle's mind was not completely silent no matter how hard he tried- not like Bella's-no one was like Bella. His heartbreak and distress over my emotional suffering was always a silent companion now. Then the whispered thoughts of anguish over how my sorrow affected the rest of my family- we were falling apart at the seams. Jasper could barely stand to be within my vicinity because of the torment that I caused him; Alice suffered along with her mate as well as morning the lost friendship of her best friend. The pair were planning to leave.

Then there was Rosalie and Emmet for they too hated to be too close- the pain suffocated them. Rose was irritated with my emotional response-simply wanting things to go back to the way it was before. She may not show her care but deep within the walls she built around her heart she didn't want me to suffer- she wanted my happiness but she couldn't condone the consequence that such happiness had on a human life- this I understood and for this reason I must bare this agony so my love can have a happy human life. Emmet hated feeling helpless for he may be the strongest among us but his strength could not protect his beloved family from their suffering. So they too were planning to leave and it was my fault.

It was my fault that Esme would weep when she thought no one was paying attention. It was my fault that my siblings were going to leave. It was my fault that Carlisle was clutching me tighter- helpless to easy my sorrow. It was all my fault.

My fault that Bella was in danger- if she had never met me then she would have been safe. I would have never wanted to drain her of the life giving ambrosia that raced through her veins. If it weren't for me she would have never met James and almost been killed. If it weren't for me she would have never known the evil that lurked in the shadows of this world. All my fault!

A feeling of dread filled me that I left one step unfinished concerning her safety. James' mate-Victoria. She would want revenge for what we did and what easier way to cause us the same agony that she went through- mate for a mate. I had to remove the threat she posed to my love.

I opened my eyes staring up into golden orbs full of love and concern. "I missed something..." His brows pulled together in confusion, "Victoria- she'll go after Bella. I have to protect Bella.

'You're leaving.' He looked upon me with grief, 'please don't leave me' he pleaded silently.

"I have to," I grasped his hand in mine willing him to understand.

'I'll go with you-' he tried to offer

"You and I both know you can't- Esme needs you. Now more than ever- as do the others," I was quiet for a moment; looking away from his eyes, "they'll stay if I go," I whispered.

His face crumpled in pain, 'I don't want anyone to leave.'

"I can't have you loss them,"

'But I will loss you-please son. Please don't leave us,' my mentor pleaded with me.

I shook my head, "I have to protect Bella."

He closed his eyes excepting my decision and he drew me into a tighter hug, "come back to us son," 'back to me.'

I rose from my position and we both stood, "I will," I paused looking down, "it won't be like the last time I left. You know that right?" I looked back up to meet his sad gaze.

"I know," he said solemnly as he made his way from my room to search out his beloved mate.

Once Carlisle was gone I proceeded to plan and gather what I needed. Alice entered silently watching my movement around the room. 'You're leaving,' she stated in her thoughts.

"I am," I turned to her, "you'll both stay...they'll need you." She gave a nod and raced into my arms. "Do you think you could see her future? So I know where to start."

"Seattle," 'I looked for her when you made your decision,' In Alice's mind I saw an alleyway beside a nightclub with Victoria feeding from a young man.

"Thanks Alice," I said kissing the top of her head. I picked up my backpack and the two of us moved together down stairs. Emmet, Rose and Jasper had just entered the house frowning as they saw Esme dry sob in Carlisle's arms then they looked to me then down to the bag in my hand.

"I'm going to find Victoria," understanding spread through the minds of my siblings.

Alice took the bag from me as I moved towards Esme. She wrapped her arms around me as I held her to me, 'Please! I can't lose you too!'

"You won't lose me," I whispered in her ear trying to diminish her sorrows as she recalled the loss of her first son-this was different. Though a part of me knew that this could be the last time I see her. For once the threat to my love was gone I doubted that I would be any condition-mentally- to return to them. "The others are not going anywhere," I continued giving the other's a pointed look, "I'll be back- I'm not going away forever," I said what could be a lie- I just wasn't sure yet. I gave her a sad smile and hugged her close to breathed in her scent, "I love you mom," I whispered in her ear.

"I love you too!" she clutched me tighter before she unwillingly released me.

I turned to Carlisle who took me in his arms, 'I love you my son- my friend-come home to me.' I knew that this would be hard for him; to watch me walk away from him again and not know when or if I would return. He brush a hand threw my hair as he memorised my scent. 'I know that once this is done there a possibility that you won't return but I beg you to come back. It doesn't matter what state you're in Edward- we need you, Esme needs you, I need you-please, I need my best friend.'

I responded by hugging him closer, "I love you too dad," his sad eyes lightened a fraction at the endearment- I used the term so rarely but I knew that in this moment it was what he need.

I hugged each of my siblings each in turn- both Jasper and Emmet offered to accompany me but I shook my head, "this is something I must to do on my own and you're needed here," I opened the door but stopped short on the cusp of the outside word and turned to Alice, "don't look for me."

"Edward..." she said displeased.

"Promise me. Don't look for me or Bella. Just let her go on with her human life-she deserves that."

"Fine," Alice conceded 'I'm not happy with this,' "I promise."

I did not want her to see any of the emotional turmoil that I would surely go through when Victoria was gone and I couldn't hold the hole together any more. I had to protect her. I was already tearing my family apart- there was no need for me to make it worse.

I gazed sadly one last time at my family, "good bye," I whispered then I ran.