Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, or the situations, they belong to the creators of Friends. Want to say sorry to Arundhati Roy for steeling poor Esthas"Dark of Heartness" for my title, and some other references to God of Small Things as well. Read, enjoy and review!

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The thoughts swivel in my head. I can't believe that I have been so stupid. I have lost Monica. All because I'm not entirely ready to settle down; not entirely ready to vow to spend the rest of my life with her. Just because the thought still freaks me out a little. I don't want it to. Gods, I don't want it to. I just want to be with her. Monica. Still, I'm frightened. I'm scared of not having her, but I am scared of the future with her as well. Will I be everything she wants me to be? Will I be able to commit to her in every possible way, no matter what happens? Am I strong enough for that? You had your chance, Chandler. She told me, tears streaming down her face. I wanted to just curl up on the bed, snuggle the covers close to my body, hide away from the rest of the world and cry like I haven't cried since I was nine. I had my chance? Yes we talked about it, but she always said that it was fine; that it didn't matter if we waited a little longer. If she had told me that she couldn't wait; if she had told me what would happen I would have jumped at it. Just closed my eyes and jumped, because if I can't have her, then what difference does it make? I find myself unable to do anything but walk. Darkness falls over New York City, and still all I do is walk. I lost Monica. The self-depraving part of my conscious tells me that I shouldn't be surprised, really. This is Monica, a wonderful, funny, sexy woman and she stays with me? Me, as in not-always-so-funny Chandler Bing, who has major commitment issues and phobia of relationships which go past the first date. Of course it was just the sex. Amazingly good sex, but that was all. A thought creeps into my mind: for two years? I realize that that's not it, but still, it's as good as any other explanation I have got. This doesn't make sense to me. She loves me, at least I am almost absolutely sure that she does, and she has lived with me for a year, our relationship certainly has moved beyond stages any of our previous relationships has ever been in, even hers with Richard. We shared an apartment, a bed, the CD's in the CD rack, toothpaste and shampoo, drawers in the closet and all the kitchen things which I weren't supposed to touch. The only thought that goes through my head is: it's not fair! How come she gets to throw all that away? How come she gets to decide that this won't go any further? I may have problems committing to people and relationships, but this was something I was looking forwards to not freaking out about. I suppose now that I've been ready to commit to her for quite some time. It doesn't seem fair that she gets to decide that I wouldn't.

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"Tell her how you feel!" Phoebe's soft gaze meets mine over the rim of our coffee mugs, as we sit on her couch; me dressed in the sweats I wore when Monica told me about her decision; Phoebe wrapped in her dressing gown, seeing as I woke her up at two in the morning. "She loves you and not Richard, you know that, and if you feel the way she thinks you should feel then everything is super, right?" I have already thought of that, in fact as soon as I realized that what scares me the most is not being with Monica ever again, I thought of running back to the apartment and propose. But I know Monica. She sticks by her decisions; and even if I had proposed she would have waved it off as a desperate measure. She still wouldn't have believed that I truly wanted to marry her and I don't know how to convince her.

"It's not that simple, Pheebs." I tell her dejectedly, and stare at my coffee. "It's not as if she only broke it off with me, she got engaged to Richard too, and I know she wouldn't ever break off an engagement." …to him… I add silently in my mind.

"Do you ever wonder if she was just spending her time with you, waiting for Richard to come back and propose?" The question hurts to the bone, but mostly because I have been thinking about it all day. What if I was only ever second best? What if she was the one who never saw a future with us? Nevertheless I react to Phoebe's question.

"Pheebs!" I blurt out, still not entirely sure that she is wrong. Phoebe gives me a glance, as if she is trying to read my mind through my eyes. She looks sad, and I know that she realizes how much this hurts me. I wish Monica would. Does she know? Does she know that I wandered the streets for eight hours, before I found myself at Phoebe's apartment building? Does she know that in the end, my curiosity for the sensation of being hit by a taxi almost took over my mind? Does she know that I can't eat, or sleep, or stop thinking about her?

"I'm sorry, but you know how much she loved him back then." As usual Phoebe manages to make me feel worse than before. "And, I mean, you have all these issues that you have to deal with. Y'know, the fear of commitment, that kind of crap." Suddenly I wonder if Phoebe's sole purpose in life is making people feel worse.

"But we love each other so much, don't you see that Phoebe? That has got to be just as much as she loved Richard, right?" I feel a little like I'm grasping for straws, and it feels pathetic doing that over something Phoebe's said. What does Phoebe know, really? At my question, Phoebe gives a hearty laugh. I cringe at the loudness.

"Of course not, silly!" She tells me, still chuckling a little, as if it is the funniest thing she has heard all year. My heart sinks. Am I the only one who thought that Monica loved me? "Monica loves you so much more than she ever loved Richard." Somehow, Phoebe's admission doesn't make me feel better, because obviously since Phoebe's latest update with Monica, something has changed. We don't say anything else. When she has finished her cup of coffee she gives me a slight kiss on the cheek and goes back to her room. I kick my shoes off, lie down on Phoebe's couch and cover myself up with a blanket. As I close my eyes to the pitch black room, I am left alone with my thoughts and images of Monica and I realize when I wake up early the next morning that I must have cried myself to sleep.

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The door to apartment number 20 is slightly open when I come by to pick up some clothes shortly after lunch the day after she kicked me out. I had decided to come when I thought that no one would be there, to avoid all of my friends. I just seem to be all out of luck. I immediately make out Ross' voice.

"For god's sake Monica, you really can't expect me to be happy about this!" I hear him give a sigh, and I stop in my tracks. "He's my best friend!" Doesn't he know that that is a lousy argument, one she knows just how to respond to and she does.

"You're my brother!" Her voice sounds dull, it's not as shrill or cheery as I always supposed it would be in the days after we got engaged… or well, after she got engaged. "I don't care how you do it, but I am going to marry Richard and you are going to have to deal with that." I lean against the wall, feeling nauseous. She really is going to marry Richard? I bite my hand to stop from gagging.

"Have you stopped for one second to consider Chandler's feelings?" Rachel's voice is soft and quiet against the other two. Ross voices his agreement to the question and my heart feels a little less sore, knowing that Monica's closest friend and her brother defend me in front of her. "He loves you more than anyone has ever loved you before, you know that right?" Her voice is merely a whisper, and it is shaky, as if she's crying.

"You have no right to say that, Rachel!" Monica bites back, and I can hear that she is crying too. "You have no idea what goes on when you're not here; you know nothing about our relationship." I wonder what exactly she is getting at, am I doing something to her unconsciously? Am I hurting her? Am I keeping her down? What am I doing wrong?

"For Christ's sake, don't you see the look in his eyes when you walk into the room?" Rachel asks, louder this time, exasperatedly. "And what about your relationship? Chandler has managed to stay in this relationship with you for two years, Monica, and I don't see him freak out about it. Deep down you know that he wants more than this. You know that he wants the full deal one day." I am amazed that my friends know when Monica doesn't seem to. Is that the problem, don't I let my feelings show enough when I'm with her?

"It's not the same!" Monica argues, and now her voice is shrill in a completely different way. "I can be expected to wait forever. He's got to make up his mind." Is that really so? If I made up my mind this instant, would she take me back? I want to ask her, but I can't bring myself to move.

"You know it wouldn't be forever!" Ross comes to my defence again, and my love and respect for him grows to unknown heights. Does he really value me that high?

"He has made up his mind." Phoebe's soft voice startles me. I didn't think that there were any more people in the room. "Actually, I think he did a long time ago. You know, all the times that he has freaked out, like when he proposed to you for being sorry, it has been about his fear of losing you, not of committing to you. He spent last night crying on my couch, because he doesn't know how to get you back." No one says anything for a really long time, and I seriously ponder if I should go before anyone notices me.

"It's too late now." Monica says finally, and my legs stop supporting my weight. I grab the wall for support, and all my hopes leave me. They have told her the exact things I thought about telling her, and all she says is that it's too late. "I have already said yes to Richard, I-I can't take that back."

"Bullshit!" Ross screams and I hear his footsteps coming towards the door. He stops dead when he sees me, and our eyes meet for a split of a second before my strength mystically appears and I dash for the stairs.

"Chandler?" I hear him call after me but I keep running. Ross never catches up with me.