My name is Taiyu Hsu, music business major at NYU. In high school, I was someone people in Taiwan would call a "gangster," but here in America, they'd call me a pitiful douche. Hah. I guess the hardest part about music business is the part where you actually have to learn about music. I'm happy with managing concerts and booking appointments for artists, and even finance, but when it comes to the music itself, I'm clueless. Those jazz theory classes... God damn. I went in there without any idea about music, except that one day I wanted to work for Andy Lau, and finally fulfill that promise I made all those years ago.
"One day, I'll ask Andy Lau to sing for you," I'd told her.
She'd smirked.
"Yeah, right."
And after leaving her so suddenly then, I'm sure she has no idea how desperately I want to be able to hold her again, to poke fun at her ugly duckling beginnings but still watch her beauty from the corner of me eye. What I'd give to see her face again... And plane tickets don't come by like the fights I used to start in high school. And what makes me think she would even want to see my face again? I was upset, and made the worst decision of my life by not saying a proper goodbye.
Gan! I was such an idiot.
That's one of many things I would like to change about our times... Off the top of my head I can think of these:
1. When we went camping.
I give those days credit for being some of my happiest ones since before Siyuan passed away. But my heart sank when she picked Ouyang's key, and although Minmin picked mine, the thought of Truly's arms encircling my waist set my heart on a full marathon. I wanted to ask her if she was tired when she put her cheek against my back, to slide her hands into my pockets to keep them warm.
But all that was out of my control. It was draw of the lot, and she even congratulated me on choosing the one I'd always wanted. Come to think of it, she wasn't very proud that she'd picked Ouyang, either...
One thing was in my control, though. If only, as we'd been dancing to Grasshopper's "Shi Lian," I'd grabbed her hand instead of Minmin's. It wasn't as if we were confined to our scooter partners, was it? I remembered clearly her eyelashes grazing her bangs as our eyes met. She raised her eyebrows suggestively in the direction of Minmin before I could reach out for her, and before I had time to think, Ouyang had approached her and they were dancing. Minmin peeked at me shyly, so I flashed her a smile and offered my hand, willing myself not to turn my head just for a glance at... her.
The way it should have worked out, I think now, is this: The moment would pass in slow motion as she began to raise her eyebrows, and I would take both her hands in mine and pull her up, resuming time in its normal pacing. But then time would speed up, fast enough for me to hold her close to my chest without anyone but me noticing. And we'd continue the dance, moving our hips to the comical lyrics and wondering where the music came from. Our hearts, maybe?
I wonder if that would have changed anything, that one thing I wasn't fast enough to do.
2. That time at McDonald's.
I told Ouyang she didn't seem very happy that day, that all I'd said was, "What? Study."
"Minmin Tao, don't worry about it. I've got all the help I need," I should have said.
I would have looked straight at her, standing behind Minmin, and smiled. Minmin would have turned around and blushed, and quickly left for her fellow smartass friend. and Truly would have sat down and smiled at our food.
"What?" I would say, lightening the mood. "Why'd you buy large fries instead of two mediums?"
"They were on sale!"
"That doesn't even make sense. What kind of businessperson is running things around here? Of course you would make the set meal the best deal!"
"Okay, okay. Let's study."
I would have let her have that line, rather than say it myself to seem as if I didn't care. And at that time she did think I didn't care, but... Oh, I cared so, so much.
3. Every time we grabbed each others' wrists.
Why didn't I, one of those times, interlace our fingers? We were always running away from trouble like Bonnie and Clyde, so the least I could do was stop running away from my feelings.
The best time would have been when we ran away from that shop with the Andy Lau cardboard cutout. We were both laughing so joyously. She wouldn't even have noticed... right? I'd often looked at her hands as I taught her math. They looked as if they'd fit perfectly in mine, hands rough from a past I now regret. I would have stood close to her and massaged the soft area between her thumb and index finger, and continued looking at her from the corner of my eye. Would anything had changed, then?
4. Her birthday.
I was already out of the hospital that day, and Minmin had already confessed to me, but I was still a coward and sent my friends to deliver her birthday present. Afterwards, I'd imagined her disappointment when the toe of the Converse shoe turned out to be Sakuraki's, over and over and over again. And I hadn't even left for the U.S. yet. I even went to find Minmin the following day.
Idiot!
How was she supposed to know you were sincere when you couldn't even face her?
Things would have been different if I had been behind that cutout, and jumped from behind with... I don't know, flowers? "Happy birthday!" I would have said. "Do you like it?" She would have asked me how I got my hands on it, and I would say, "It's a secret." And even if I hadn't the guts yet to tell her how I felt, at one point I had to tell her the truth. So I would tell her, "Minmin told me she likes me." And when she smiled but her eyes didn't show it, I would say, "Thank you, Truly. Looks like we did it." And when her eyes still glistened with tears that refused to fall, I would try: "Let's eat dinner tomorrow. In celebration." "J-j-j-just us?" she would ask. "How many justs?" I would joke. "One just." She would roll her red eyes at me. "If you want," I would reply at last. "I just thought you'd want to have your birthday dinner with all your friends."
And I don't know what her answer would have been, but one thing's for sure that being there for her made us a lot clearer on what our relationship was exactly. Not nearly as close as I wanted it to be, but an improvement from my previous foolishness.
5. In the woods.
Another camping story. So much happened that weekend, yet not enough.
I'd set down the lamp and bent over to see her perfect face. Perfect eyes, perfect lips, perfect nose, perfect jaw. And in the end I just made fun of her height once more and took the firewood from her arms.
Taiyu, that was the perfect opportunity! To stare into her eyes and see if she felt the same way, and maybe even... Was I flirting or was I afraid? I'd kept my cool and quickly turned away to saunter off, but what would have happened if I'd stared a little longer? Surely I'd be a dead man, but what could have been...
I'd stare into her intense, somewhat bewildered gaze and breathe slowly, in hopes of calming the both of us down. And I'd lean forward until our foreheads touched, and depending on whether or not she backed away, I would, ideally, say her name, "Truly Lin, I..." And I would scoop up the firewood in my arms and kiss her... cheek! And turn around just as I did.
Maybe because of that we would have sat closer as we made our wishes that night.
6. When she confronted me outside the office.
While girls have their secret code in which "I'm fine" means "I'm totally not fine," guys also have a code in which "Mind your own business" means "Talk to me after I'm not mad at myself anymore."
Who knew what the hell those guys wanted to fight me for? Still angry over that little skating incident? It hurt my masculinity, not being able to defend myself in front of them, but it would hurt even more to break my promise to Truly. But lapsing into old times, I was selfish and all I could think was, "It's this promise I made you that caused me to get hurt. I tried everything to get them to back off - talking my way out, offering money. But they wanted to beat me up, and even more, they wanted to hurt you... So I let them hit me and let you believe I fought back. Your fault, you see?"
Soon after, the time for my operation had come. I swear, all my dreams while knocked out were about her. Do you even dream when you're on anesthetics? Well, I did. And in every scene was her disappointment, heartbreak, and anger. The first time I knew she was capable of being angry was when she was angry with me. If I had a do-over, I would have removed all hostility. I would have thrown away my aggression and answered her honestly, like the Taiyu Hsu she knew.
"Why didn't you come take the mock exam? Why did you fight again?"
"I was stopped while doing something very important for someone very important," I should have said. "Please don't worry about me." I could have held her face in my hands. "For now, please leave me be because I'm going to try everything I can to make it up to you, to gain your trust again."
Then maybe I would have had a chance to bid her farewell face-to-face.
7. On the roof.
Why did I keep lying to myself? I didn't belong with Minmin. The moment Truly pushed back her arm at me I just would have gotten closer. God, I'd said "Aqui Te Amo" on the tape and got together with Minmin literally the next day! What did that show her about me?
Up until that point I'd thought she only had eyes for Ouyang. And even when I did come to the realization that she didn't, I didn't do anything about it. After all, I was with Minmin now. If I had the chance to make up for the biggest of all mistakes, I wouldn't have let her leave alone. Using her own reasoning, telling me to go away meant for me to get closer, to hold her, and to get her somewhere dry. She would have cried and hit me and told me to go back to the roof, but I would have held our soaked bodies closer together, stupidly not trying to find a towel or anything. "Truly, don't listen to that tape," I would say. "I'll just tell you right now. Truly Lin, even though you're short, and stupid, the person I said I liked that was at the scene of that game... is still you. I couldn't bring myself to face you because..."
Would I have told her?
"My dad is sending me to America, for a new beginning. That fight... everyone thought I was the aggressor. I just wanted to keep my promise to you, but now..."
And in the middle she'd find a way to reason that my situation was somehow her fault. I wouldn't let that happen. I would say, "Listen to me. You taught me that A-Yuan's passing wasn't my fault. I'd gotten myself in that fight at the roller rink. How was I supposed to not expect retaliation? And I was the one that made you that promise. Me. Nobody forced me to. 不要想妳講的道理只有妳可以用。"
Maybe, if I'd said that, I wouldn't have broken her heart.
