A/N: THIS IS A PARODY! IT IS REALLY, REALLY SILLY! IF YOU WANT SOMETHING SESRIOUS READ MY OTHER STORIES!
Why'd it have to be the illness again? I, known as Cecare Trophe Shepard to others rose from my bed. Being named Shepard was a coincidence. I was not related in any way to the famous videogame character, John Shepard.
Most people called me Catastrophe, or simply C. because shouting: "Wake up! Come to breakfast, you got to get to school soon, Cecare Trophe!" was kinda slow and hard to say correctly, not that Catastrophe would be any better. Actually, it was even harder to spell, but most of my classmates had forgotten my real name a few years ago.
I had a temperature and a headache and no clue where'd the temperature came from, but my headache was certainly from playing Mass Effect too much. I just could not leave my first femShep. and sixth overrall Shepard staring into the galaxy map, waiting for the suicide mission. No, I just could not stop playing at that point. In fact I played trough three loyalty-missions, the derelict reaper and the Collector base that night.
Not having anyone else in the house at the time, I decided to fire my old tabletop computer up. Even though it had just two gigs of ram and as much processing power it worked nicely. From his desktop I clicked the Mass Effect one icon. The character, a very ugly defShep was on his way to Ilos. I wanted this playthrough to go as bad as possible. The video-game Shepard drew his assault rifle and walked towards the door behind the landing zone of the Mako, when someone knocked on the door.
The real door, not the one on Ilos. The ugly-named Shepard AKA me stood up and walked towards the door and opened it. I was caught in shock: there was a geth, specifically Legion there.
"Query: may this platform enter this building?" came from his speaker. I nodded in acceptance. I was still too surprised to say anything.
I decided to make sure it was Legion by questioning it the same way the game-Shepard did: "What is the platform in front of me called?"
"Geth."
"I mean you, specifically."
"We are geth. All geth, there is no individual. There are currently 1,183 programs running within this platform."
"Maybe I could call you Legion?"
"Yes," came the reply. The geth continued in its monotone: "We know of the game called Mass Effect. We also know that Shepard-Commander is dead. There is a problem. There is no Cerberus, unlike your game. Shepard-Commander can not be repaired. We have a last resort: you must come and take Shepard-Commanders place. We have reached consensus: we will take you to our Galaxy. Have you reached consensus?" It was hard for me to take in at first, but (I smiled at the thought) would meet Garrus, Tali and Joker! Woohoo! That sounded great.
"I'll come," I merely said and immediately got pushed off my feet by a bright flash of light.
I woke up in a place I least expected to. It was Omega, right behind Garrus who for some reason had Tali with him. They were apparantly "doing Garrus's recruitment mission".
I shouted: "Hey, don't shoot, I'm Shepard!". Garrus turned around at lightspeed followed close by Tali.
"Prove it!" sayed Tali. I told her about saving her from assassins in the dark alley and Garrus got to know about his past, his never-ending calibrations and well - his story of "reach" and "flexibility".
It wasn't enough for Tali though: "Shepards dead, you bosh'tet and I do not believe you. Still, we need to get out of here and I won't shoot if you promise to tell us the whole story after we're away from here" I agreed and asked Legion, who they had for some reason not yet noticed, about an omni-tool. I wanted to be an Infiltrator like Legion and Garrus.
Legion threw me the small omni-tool processor which was about the size of a phone battery. I put it into my pocket and… stopped. I did not know how to bring up the holodisplay of an omni-tool. I turned to Tali for help and thankfully she had calmed a bit. Apparently quarians had faster emotion processing than salarians. She showed me a button on the processor that brought the display up. I thanked her and brought my omni-tool up. Legion had thankfully equipped it with an overload program witch I put to good use on a man aiming at Tali with a sniper rifle. The overload burned the mercenary's heat sink and made it explode ripping half the mans face off with it. I felt bad. I had taken a human's life.
I just sat down in the corner and felt really bad about myself when i heard Garrus roar: "Shepard, get out of there, a gunship has found you and is going to test it's weapons on you if you do not get the h**l out of there now!" I jumped to my feet and ran for cover at the same time primeing my overload program. The gunship's miniguns opened fire. I could not believe the situation: I was unarmed, unarmored, unshielded and under heavy fire. The overload i had charged worked well making one of the gunships rotor-blades go slower than the others causing them to impact one another and destroy themselves. Mere seconds later the huge flying machine fell into the dephts of Omega.
There was a huge explosion behind me which was probaply from a missile originating from the gunship. It knocked me out.
I saw a cold, metallic light above me.
"Legion," I whispered. The infiltrator simply stared at me. "Is there something wrong?" I asked.
"Yes," came the reply.
"What is it then?"
"We managed to hack Aria T'Loak's credit chit and take thirty-million credits from her. We have spent twenty-five million credits already. We have bought a ship called "Tupari Addict". There is a problem. T'Loak has detected us. There are Blue Suns closing in on the docking area."
"Let's get out of here then! Why are we still standing here?"
"There is still a problem. Vakarian-Garrus and Creator-Tali'Zorah refused to enter the ship. They are outside the Addict. Blue Suns: 100 metres from docking bay."
"Come, we need to get them aboard the ship!" said I and started running towards the airlock, Legion close behind.
Garrus was taking cover behind a crate which was about to get shot to pieces by the heavy gunfire of the mercs.
"Garrus! YMIR incoming!"
To my surprise it was answered by a salarian: "On it. Not much time. Have to hurry. Executeing dangerous people." What was Mordin doing here?
I shouted: "Everyone to the ship! Mordin, Garrus, Tali! Double time GO!" I caught a mistrusting glance from Tali, but she understood that if she wanted to live she had to board the "Addict". A bit later the airlock closed and an angry Quarian entered and stood next to a Salarian and a Turian.
"Who's gonna drive?" I asked to which Legion repeated his "Yes." and sat into the pilot's chair.
"So, who are you?" asked Garrus. He added: "The young lady next to me has a shotgun, so in case you are not Shepard… Well you know it by yourself." I started talking and told them everything about my trip between parallel universes and Legion, my life in the "real world" and the game of Mass Effect."
Garrus and Tali watched me in disbelief, but Mordin started his ultra-talk: "If that true, this Geth, Legion able to travel between universes. Fascinating. Very interesting. Still have a question. Am I real or virtual?"
A/N: I know it´s a bit short but I´ll update quite often so it shouldn´t be a problem. Please answer if the crew should catch Joker or go somewhere else?
