Find/Replace, and Listen to Me
August
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Subject: Good games
Hey Artie! How are you? Missing me terribly? I know it's hard to let go of such an amazing person like me, but you can totally do it, right? Right.
Btw, good games this year! You did a great job hostin' them. But now I gotta focus on politics. It was nice while it lasted!
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
Subject: Re: Good games
I can do without you perfectly well, thank you very much. I somehow managed to survive centuries without you before and since we met, and we live on different continents an ocean apart even now that we're allies. Not only am I used to missing you, it comes perfectly naturally.
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed them. I do feel rather smug over the whole thing, so I appreciate the compliment.
It is a shame to go back to work after such a fantastic event, but, personally, anything they throw at me is going to feel like a breeze compared to the last few months. Quite frankly, I'm exhausted now, and just the word "Olympics" makes me need a nice long sit down. So I hope you don't mind if we leave off the subject for a while as I recover from the whole thing.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Yeah yeah. Stop lying to yourself and making up all of these excuses just to save face. Just say it. You know you want to.
And I hear you on the Olympics. I'm that way with my upcoming election, but I won't talk about it much. It gives me a headache just thinking about it. If we keep chattin' on e-mail and I vanish, that's why. Damn politics.
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
I know I want to say what? Honestly, am I supposed to be able to follow your ridiculous train of thought and random tangents, America?
And I have no trouble avoiding the topic of your elections. I get enough of them over here as it is.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Say that youuuuuu misss meeee! And you can follow my train of thoughts. They're not totally random. You just can't keep up with my awesome thoughts.
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
You're right. I do miss you. You used to be so cute and sweet - and now look at you. A big, loud mess of a nation.
I suppose your thoughts aren't totally random: they all seem to revolve around me, by the sound of it. It's just the thought process which seems rather confused and random. I suppose somebody like me must be difficult for somebody like you to understand, so I don't blame you for having a hard time thinking coherently.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Ah man. I know where your mind always is: the past. And you say I think about you all the time when it seems you're constantly thinking of this perfect image of me. Although, it's kinda creepy, don't you think? I was, like, only 100 years old.
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
I'm not always thinking about you! We're having a conversation, so I'm just remembering when I actually liked you, that's all. And it's natural for older people with more memories to also think of their acquaintances as they knew them when they were little. Say you were a teacher for a long time. If, after twenty years of teaching, you ran into one of your first students, all grown up, wouldn't you automatically remember how little they used to be?
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Nope. When I see you that's not where my mind jumps to, or with France or with Canada or even Japan. I always see them for who they are now. It's useless to try and remember things that have passed because it can never be again. You'll never be the same England as you were when I was a colony, and I'm fine with that. I like who you are now just as I did when I was a child.
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
Just because it can't be the way it was before, doesn't mean I can't still look back fondly on the memories. You know, it's also useless to forget things that have passed because then you never learn or grow as a person.
And don't give me any of this rubbish about liking me now just as much as you did back then. You've obviously forgotten a lot about the past, if you think that way. Trust me, you liked me a lot more back then.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
Hey, I never said I forget anything. Or did I? I don't remember. What I meant was that I learn to forgive. It seems you still haven't forgiven me, or even cared to do so, if you keep seeing me as some angel of the past. And no, I like you more now than I did when we were younger. But you wouldn't care about that, would you?
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
That was actually rather funny - I'm going to hope you did that on purpose.
I don't know where "forgiving" came into this conversation. I said I remember you when you were little and adorable. Nothing more, nothing less. It would be ridiculous of me to blame you for growing up. I just blame you for growing up into a bloody git - that's nobody's fault but your own.
I don't necessarily not care whether you like me now. And I can't say that I infrequently wish that you could like me a bit more. But you've obviously forgotten a lot if you think you like me more now. Trust somebody who is old enough to remember it clearly.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail. co .uk
Yes, let's just say I totally did that on purpose. If it made you laugh, haha! Part of growing up is forgiving someone for their past mistakes, right? You taught me that. You taught me a lot of things, so if anyone's to blame about this "growing up into a git" business, it's you. And as for me liking you more, I too was a kid and comparing to how I am now in my aff- feelings about you, well that's a bit rude. It's like you're not even trying to understand me.
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
It did make me laugh. You have your moments, I'll grant you that.
I'm not saying you need forgiveness for any mistakes you may have made. I wouldn't ask for any myself - because I may not understand you, but I at least understand that we are the way we are because of all our mistakes, our triumphs, our ups and downs. And who am I to wish that we - any of us - were any different? I, personally, like the way I turned out, and I suppose I wouldn't have you any other way, either. (You could be worse, after all. I wouldn't put it past you.) So if I helped you grow into the person/bloody git you are today, then I am glad, and you can thank me however you wish.
I…suppose I'm being a bit obtuse. I don't mean to be rude, and I don't mean to devalue our present friendship by always harping on about how things used to be. But you need to understand me, too. I know I can't compare the two relationships, but you're saying you like me more now, and I can assure you that the relationship we had as a child and guardian was much deeper than what we have just being friends and allies.
From: Liberty76 at gmail. com
To: England-UK at hotmail co .uk
I'm glad I made you laugh. I like to hear it. It's a rare thing. But most of the time that bit with forgiveness is NOT the same attitude you give off when you talk about the past. You make it seem like everything I've done up to this very moment is a mistake. That I'm an idiot, and that's all I'll ever be, no matter how hard I try. Take right now for example. Just trying to have a nice conversation with you, and you start insulting me by saying that what we had when I was inferior to you is better than now when we're equals. I don't see what we had as something deeper then. I was a kid and a dumb colony and you took full advantage of that to boast about your past fights and triumphs so that I would look at you through rose glasses, and never want to leave you. Now, I don't see you as such. You don't HAVE to do that with me, and look, I'm still here. I'm still your friend. I still work my ass off to keep us being close. I don't see you doing that.
Maybe it's better if I just stop e-mailing you. Would you like it if I left you alone?
From: England-UK at hotmail. co. uk
To: Liberty76 at gmail. com
Alfred. Please don't stop emailing me.
I know I'm horrible to you, even when you don't deserve it. (Perhaps especially when you don't deserve it.) That's the way I treat everyone, and you know it, so I never realised it hurt you so badly.
But that's no excuse for my harsh words, so that's why I'll apologise for them now. I'm sorry, America. I'm sorry that me being cold and sarcastic and spiteful has made you believe that I don't care about you. That's the last thing I would ever want you to believe. The truth is, I think you're…rather perfect. Just the way you are. Ignore me when I say otherwise. If you're making me say it, I suppose I act particularly horrible to you because, although I don't want you to think that I don't care about you at all, I also don't want you knowing quite how much I do care. (You know you'd never stop lording it over me if I let on…)
And I never ever thought you were inferior to me. I suppose, in a way, I must have done, since you were my colony, but I didn't think you were worthless. You were just younger. That's all. I'm hundreds of years old, America. I know full well how a little lost boy can grow up and be a wonderful, strong nation. Look what happened to me. I was both expecting and hoping for it for you. I'd just wanted you to stay with me when it all happened.
"A dumb colony"? When you look back and remember our time together, you know that's not what I saw when I was looking at you. Does a parent look at their child and then laugh behind their back because they're so young and inexperienced in the world? No. Of course not. That's one of the reasons why they love them.
I admit that I wanted to boast to you about how powerful I was - I just wanted you to look up to me, as any big brother would. Because of course I didn't want you to leave. I would never want you to leave. You don't know how grateful I am that you persevere through all my bullshit, over all these centuries, and stay with me, anyway. Maybe not as child and guardian, but friends - I don't care, I'm just…so grateful that you stick with me, despite me being me. It's…rather astounding to me, that you care so much and try so hard.
And I'm sorry but you'll always be an idiot. I'll always be an idiot. We'll all always be idiots - that's the way the world works. There will never be a time when we're all perfectly fine, secure, united and happy. We'll always be fighting and arguing and making up and breaking away again; and it may be stupid, but that's who we are, and that's why we're idiots. I can't wish it would change, because if it did, it wouldn't be the same world anymore.
Please don't stop emailing me. I…don't ever want you to leave me alone like that.
Hoshiko2's cents: Hello! This is Hoshiko2 here! This is a new joint story that me and my mystery co-author, The Anonymous Zoological Society, have written together. It will be broken up into, at least, three arcs, this being the first. The chapters will vary in lengths. As you can see, this fanfic is rated at T, but be warned that future chapters WILL have sexy talk, just not sexy action. There will be a warning before any chapter with suggestive language, for any one that may not like such a thing.
We hope you all enjoy this story as my partner and I have put a lot of work into it! It's been a lot of fun! We already have quite a lot stored up for future chapters, so updates will come regularly. See you next chapter!
