Clara Oswald lived a double life. By day, she was Ms. Oswald, beloved teacher at Coal Hill High School, spring dance chaperon and amateur soufflé baker. By night, she was Sleazy Bennet, captain of The Impossible Grrrls roller derby team, and literary columnist for Sniffin' Glue, an independent zine. Under the cover of darkness, she knocked other girls off their skates to punk music and wrote about reclaiming sexist slurs in the name of women's empowerment.
Juggling both lives could be difficult: hard-to-explain black eyes, many late nights, and publishing deadlines on top of marking papers. But no matter the difficulties, she could never give up roller derby. She was addicted to the adrenaline rush. She needed that thrill. She loved that under her pretty dresses, "derby kisses" covered her skin. And she had also found in The Impossible Grrrls, a group of friends who were always there for each other.
As soon as the school bell rang, Clara grabbed her bag and headed for the exit. Unbeknownst to her students, it did not contain gym clothes, but roller skates, protective gear and neon pink fishnet stockings. Her flatmate, Amy— aka Vincent Van Hoe— was waiting for her in the car park. She honked at the sight of Clara. Other teachers stared in surprise, and some students' parents frowned.
"Stop it!" Clara said, getting in the car.
"I'm just so pumped! Aren't you?"
Tonight, her team would face the Whore-iors, their greatest rivals. Winning that match would guarantee Clara and her team a place to the national championship. But the Whore-iors had an important asset: Jenny "The Anomaly" Smith, Clara's arch-nemesis.
"Ready to kick her arse?" Amy asked.
"Let's do this!"
Amy cranked up the sound and the discordant guitars of Bikini Kill blasted through the old car stereo.
At the roller rink, two separate groups of women stood by the front door. Clara joined her teammates on the right. As they chatted, she stole glances at the Whore-iors— well, at only one of them, actually. Jenny embodied the "cute but lethal" look with her bouncy ponytail, floral Doc Marten boots and leather jacket. Her beaming smile and overall cheerful disposition belied the aggressiveness she could display on the track.
She caught Clara looking and both averted their eyes.
Rose "Bad Wolf" Tyler beckoned Clara over. They sat together on a concrete block away from the group.
"I may know something about The Anomaly that could help us," she whispered to Clara. "Last Monday, she hurt her ribs on the left side."
Rose was dating John, Jenny's older brother. He usually refused to discuss roller derby with either girl, wanting to remain neutral.
"What did you have to do to get that info?"
Rose smiled mischievously, tongue curling over her teeth. Clara shook her head fondly. No doubt her friend had John wrapped around her little finger.
As useful as it may be, that information put Clara in a terrible dilemma: using it to her advantage by targeting Jenny's weak side might help them win, but it might also worsen the girl's injury. Roller derby was supposed to be fun. Then again, winning was fun, especially over the Whore-iors.
The rivalry had started on Jenny's first day at the fresh meat tryouts. Several teams of the London area had gathered to see aspiring girls skate to pick them (or not) for their teams. Jenny had arrived first and had talked to everyone, asking loads of questions about the rules and the rink and complementing the girls' outfits. Amy and Clara had exchanged a look, both thinking this girl was too nice and would get crushed. Oh, how Jenny had proved them wrong. She was fast and steady on her stakes, naturally leaning low on the track to go faster. Whenever she fell, she got back on her feet with a smile. Until then, Clara had liked Jenny, and it helped that she was so pretty. But then the captains got on the rink for a few laps with blocking, and Jenny had gotten a little too excited, jamming Clara on her arse and unintentionally injuring her. Clara's pride was piqued, her teammates were upset, their greatest opponents recruited Jenny, and thus began the rivalry.
And tonight, they would go head-to-head for the most important match of the season.
Both team went to the locker room, each taking a side, and geared up: moulded gumshield, helmet, elbow and knee pads. The Impossible Grrrls members all put black lines on their cheeks for a fiercer look. Their uniforms may be homemade with stencils and spraypaint on red vest tops, but they looked hella fine.
As captain, Clara made a point to have a good word for every girl. She clapped each one on the shoulder as they passed in front of her to exit the locker room. The crowd's cheer grew louder as her team approached the track. Clara's limbs buzzed with energy. A manic sort of smile spread across her lips. In the dark arena, light beams swept the track as a Buddy Holly lookalike introduced them each in turn.
"And last, but not least, the Impossible Grrrls' captain: Sleaaaazyyyyy Benneeeeeet!"
Clara took a deep breath and stepped on the track with her arms in the air.
"And now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the rink The Whore-iors! Give it up for number 17, named recruit of the year: The Anomalyyyyyyyyy!"
Jenny, all glitter and camouflage print, rolled in behind Clara to a deluge of applause. The other team members followed, and eight of the girls lined up for the first two-minute jam of the period. Clara's heart drummed in her ears. Jenny turned to her, and they held each other's gaze until the referee whistled.
Clara started in the jammer position. She had to pass through the pack of girls in front of her, and then could score points every time she passed a member of the opposing team. Of course, they didn't let her pass easily, blocking her way with their hips and shoulders. Many of them fell on the track, it was all part of the game. This often caused other players to crash, but Jenny had a surprising ability to jump over those who had fallen. This advantage allowed her to score many points.
Thirty minutes later, at the end of the first period, despite Clara's best efforts, the Whore-iors were ahead.
The Impossible Grrrls slowly returned to their bench for the break.
"Okay, we can do this girls!" Clara said with forced cheerfulness. "They've only got ten points on us. It's nothing, child's play. We can beat 'em!"
"Clara, you're the only one fast enough to take down The Anomaly," Rose said, "you know how."
Clara lined up for the next period, the pressure weighing on her shoulders. The whistle blared. Clara took off. Her teammates knocked rivals out of her way. Clara sped up. She pushed past the pain in her thighs and scored two points. Another jam, another two points. If felt like flying rather than rolling. She was high on adrenaline. Jenny appeared beside her. She went faster. Too fast. She didn't see Bella Donna on her left. One hip block and Clara fell right on her shoulder.
Vincent Van Hoe replaced her on the rink while a medic came to look at her injury. Clara insisted she was fine. The Impossible Grrrrls scored more points, but so did the opposite team. Jenny was still annoyingly fast. She had to get back on the rink.
Only two minutes left. The last jam. Clara had to pass as many players as she could or else they'd lose to the Whore-iors. Clara ignored the pain in her arm and shoulder. Her eyes flitted from one player to the other, restless, hyperaware. She passed one then two players. Bad Wolf saw her coming and blocked Martha Pocalypse to let her captain pass. The Anomaly retaliated, shouldering Bad Wolf away and skating right in front of Clara. Jenny's left side— her weakened side— was exposed. If Clara could get past her, victory was theirs. She aimed for the left ribs. She lost her nerves. She swerved and crossed the boundary, earning a penalty. The game was over. They'd lost.
Clara avoided her teammates' inquiring glares by gulping down water and wiping her face on a towel.
"What was that?" Rose asked as she removed her skates.
"I tripped."
"Like hell you did," Amy replied.
"I'm so sorry. I thought I saw an opening on the right, thought I could skirt by the boundary… We had a good game, though, didn't we? It was great right until then, yeah?"
She let the girls debrief and headed for the shower stalls, entering the last one on the left. As she undressed, she thought back on the game and those last thirty seconds. She couldn't regret not taking advantage of Jenny's weakness.
"Hi."
Clara startled, and turned to find Jenny in her underwear, sneaking under the partition between their shower stalls.
"Oh, hi!"
"Sorry you lost," Jenny whispered.
"Are you really?"
"Well, I'm really happy we won." Jenny grinned.
Clara shook her head fondly. "Course you are."
"How's your shoulder?" Jenny asked, rubbing it gently with a sympathetic face. "That was a pretty bad fall."
"It'll be sore."
Jenny bit her bottom lip as she kept stroking Clara's shoulder. Her mouth twitched with a smile. "Maybe… maybe I should kiss it better?"
"That sounds like the perfect remedy."
Jenny smiled and leaned in to place a light kiss on Clara's shoulder.
"Better?"
"Still hurts, might need a second dose."
Jenny giggled and pressed her lips to the skin for a beat longer.
"Here too." Clara indicated her clavicle and Jenny kissed it. "And here." At the base of her neck, then on her pulse point, on her jaw and up on her cheek. Jenny followed Clara's pointing finger, diligently kissing each spot indicated.
She nudged Clara's nose with hers. "What next?"
And Clara closed the gap between their mouths.
The supposed rivalry between them hadn't last long outside the track. Jenny was far too adorable, and Clara far too single. One night, after a match, they'd ended up sitting in front of each other on the tube. Clara had noticed the bisexual flag pin on Jenny's bag, and they'd started talking. So engrossed were they in their conversation, Jenny had missed her stop. Clara had walked her back home just to spend more time with her. Everything about Jenny fascinated her— from her dreams of becoming a pilot to her in-depth knowledge of 70's glam rock— and Clara couldn't imagine anyone not falling in love with her. They'd gotten caught in the rain that night, and it's under a tree where they'd sought shelter, that they'd kissed for the first time.
As it wasn't anything serious, they'd thought it best to keep it a secret. But since Jenny lived with Rose's boyfriend and Clara lived with Amy, not to mention their busy work and school schedules, the chances to see each other were few and far in between. And that's why the locker room was the ideal location for their trysts. Plus, they both enjoyed the thrill of it. With adrenaline from the match still flowing through their veins, their kisses were fuel to the fire.
"So, did you come in here to get cleaned or to get dirty?" Clara asked.
"Dirty."
"Good."
Jenny tugged on the towel around Clara, it fell to the floor, and she caught an exposed nipple between her lips. Clara muffled a curse against her lover's hair and struggled to undo her sports bra. She let out a little squeak of victory before going for the knickers. She squeezed Jenny's bum, pulling her flush against her for a heated kiss. A hand between her legs made Clara's knees buckle.
"Oh, my stars!"
"Shhh," Jenny warned with a giggle, yet she continued teasing her mercilessly. "I wanted to kiss you right when you arrived."
"Me too."
Clara kissed her, grabbed her waist, and backed her against the wall. Jenny whimpered.
"Oh, no, sorry. You all right?"
"What?"
"Your ribs. Rose said you were hurt on Monday."
"You avoided it during the game, didn't you?"
She caressed Jenny's cheek. "I just… I couldn't hurt you."
Clara realized this had become more than the thrill of sleeping with the enemy. Jenny was important to her, she thought about her all the time. They hadn't talked about it yet, but Clara hoped they could tell the truth to their friends after the championship.
"I knew you wouldn't," Jenny said with one of her beaming smiles.
They kissed tenderly, perhaps more tenderly than they ever had. Clara's heart soar.
"That's why I told my brother," Jenny added.
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't really hurt myself. I told John I did because I knew Rose would try to get some info out of him. And of course, he would tell her." Her eyes brightened with excitement, she almost forgot to keep her voice down. "And I knew Rose would tell you, and that you'd avoid me on the tracks, and we'd win. And we did!"
Clara's stomach dropped, and she stepped away from her. Without a word, she took her towel off the floor and wrapped it back around herself. Jenny's smile disappeared.
"What's wrong?"
"You made me think you were hurt to win? You used my— my feeling for you to win?"
Jenny frowned. "I didn't—"
"Clara?" Amy shouted from the other side of the door. "Are you going to the pub with the other girls? Only, I'm not 'cause I wanna see Rory before his night shift, so you'll have to find another ride home if you're not coming with me."
"I'm coming with you. I don't feel like going to the pub."
"Hurry up, then."
Clara couldn't look at Jenny. What the other girl had done made her realize that her own feelings had grown much faster than Jenny's, and she couldn't stand it right now.
"I think you should go." Clara whispered.
"But—"
"Go!"
Jenny gathered her things and gave Clara a last pleading look before slipping back under the partition to the other shower stall.
Clara washed quickly and left before seeing Jenny again.
On the way to their flat, Amy asked: "You all right?"
"Yep."
"Don't beat yourself up because we lost… Maybe we could try to recruit The Anomaly next year."
"No."
"I know you don't like her, but—"
"No!"
"Clara, you're the captain, you gotta think about what's good for the team."
"Amy, I don't want to talk about it now."
They spent the rest of the ride in silence. Amy dropped her off at their flat, and continued to Rory's place.
Clara slopped down on her bed. Against her own will, her thoughts turned to Jenny and a lump formed in her throat. She picked up a ticket stub on her bedside table. Their first sort of date— the only one, really. She'd disliked the movie, but didn't dare say anything until Jenny whispered: "Wanna get out of here." She'd taken her hand to walk out of the darkened theater and hadn't let go of it until much later that night. They'd kissed in the alley behind the cinema.
It's not so much Jenny's strategy that hurt Clara than the realization that the depth of her feelings was not reciprocated. Humiliation sharpened her pain.
A knock startled Clara. Not a knock at the door, but at the window— the third floor window. Jenny was perched on the fire escape, waving sheepishly.
"What the bloody hell are you doing here?" Clara hissed.
"Is Amy there?"
"No."
"Can I come in?"
"No."
Clara shut the window, but Jenny pushed it back up.
"I want to show you something."
"I'm really not in the mood, Jenny."
She turned but Jenny caught her hand. "Please, C."
"You really don't need to shorten my name, it's short enough as it is."
"I thought you liked it."
"Yeah 'liked'— past tense."
Clara gave up on closing the window and pretended to busy herself with straightening her room. Jenny took it as an invitation to come in. She stood in a corner, fiddling with the frayed hem of her Blondie t-shirt.
"I thought there was something you wanted to tell me," Clara said.
"No, there's something I want to show you."
"Then show me."
"It's not here, I have to take you there."
Clara sighed.
"I was waiting until we got there to apologize," Jenny began, "but I suppose I should do it right now."
"Nothing to apologize about. I misunderstood is all. It's fine. All fine."
She smiled, tight lipped, at Jenny.
"If you're fine then you won't mind coming with me."
"Smart arse."
Jenny grinned, and Clara bit the inside of her cheeks to hold back a grin of her own.
Jenny had borrowed her brother's car. She drove them out of the city and Clara's annoyance gave way to curiosity. Jenny slowed down as they approached a small airport. She parked near the fence surrounding the landing runway, engine noises came from a large hangar, and the control tower's lights flashed in the night. Above them, away from London's light pollution, the sky shone with a thousand stars.
An airplane whooshed above them, rustling their hair. Her friend giggled, but Clara wasn't done being mad yet. Jenny glanced at her and lost her smile. She scuffed her boots on the car's front wheel and mumbled: "This is where I take flying lessons… I wanted to show you some place I like."
"Okay."
"Something about me. Outside of roller derby."
"Something personal?"
"Yeah! Personal. Sorry, I'm not good at this." Jenny grimaced at her own inadequacy.
Clara took a step closer to her friend, clearly she was trying hard to win Clara back.
"It's so much easier for my brother."
"What is?" Clara asked.
"Love, relationships… it's like— like I was programmed differently. It didn't even occur to me that lying about my ribs could hurt you."
"Well, it did."
"I know that now… but at that moment I felt I could count on you- on your caring for me, if that makes sense. I fucked up, but it was nice to know I had that. Still have that?"
To see the usually perky and confident Jenny now flustered and doubtful, made Clara want to reassure her. But she couldn't forgive her so quickly. She had to fight her own caring instincts. She knew if she hugged Jenny, it would too easily lead to more- on the backseat presumably- but they would be back at square one. She couldn't let herself care so much again for someone who could manipulate her feelings just to win a roller derby match.
"You're wrong about John, you know," Clara said. "It took him two years to finally admit his feelings for Rose and even longer to commit to a relationship. Trust me, I'm the one Rose ranted to about his emotional blockage."
Jenny worried her bottom lip and gave Clara a pleading look, eyebrows drawn, eyes shining with unshed tears. "I don't want to wait two years."
Clara's anger was no match for that quivering bottom lip and pleading sincerity. "Me neither."
They were on the brink of something big, she could feel it in the way her heart pushed against her ribs, but Clara was no more ready than Jenny to take the next step. There was no shame in taking things slow.
"Why don't you tell me why you want to become a pilot?" Clara asked.
They lay down on the car's hood, holding hands, eyes on the night sky. And Jenny talked. She talked of John always there by her side. He would put Jenny on his back, arms extended like the wings of an airplane. "All of time and space, where do you want to go?" he'd ask. He'd create entire universes out of words as he carried her. She talked of her parents' death and foster homes. And how, at 18, her big brother had found a place for them to stay.
"He practically raised me. When I said I wanted to become a pilot, he never once doubted I could do it."
Clara moved closer to Jenny and rubbed the back of her hand with her thumb.
"I think making him proud is the most important thing to me," Jenny confessed. "And he wouldn't be proud of how I used your feelings."
"You know you can only use that foster kid excuse once."
"I won't ever have to use it again."
"Good. Because I… the reason it upset me so much, it's that I really, really like you, Jenny."
"I really, really like you too!"
They looked at each other, grinning like idiots. And the next second, Jenny was on Clara, smothering her with giddy kisses.
