It was the sound of something hitting the floor and breaking that woke Alan from what had been a sound sleep. The first thing he noticed immediately was that he was alone in his bed even though Denny was sleeping over that night. "Denny? Denny!" When he didn't get an answer, he jumped up and went to look for him. When he looked in the bathroom, he heard a noise behind him. Denny was in the living room staring at a broken lamp on the floor. When Alan went to move toward him, Denny stepped back. The look on his face was a combination of fear, panic and confusion. It stopped Alan in his tracks.
"Denny, are you alright? What happened? Are you hurt?" The older man just continued to stare at Alan wordlessly. What the hell? It's like he's in shock, Alan thought as he took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly to calm himself and started again. "It's alright, Denny. It's just a lamp. I'm glad you have your slippers on. Come over here by me," Alan said softly as he held out his hand and smiled encouragingly. Denny hesitated for a few seconds, then gingerly stepped over the lamp and took the offered hand, all the while staring at Alan silently. Alan decided the best thing to do was take Denny to the couch and sit. Denny followed him in an almost childlike manner and allowed Alan to sit him on the couch. Alan began to rub his back and say, "It's OK, Denny. You're safe. I'm here" over and over again. The soothing tone he was using to speak to Denny was in direct contrast to the turmoil he was feeling. Omigod, he's confused! He's having an episode! What am I supposed to do? Should I call for an ambulance? Just then, he saw the expression on Denny's face change and somehow, he knew that Denny was back. "Denny, what happened?"
Denny looked around the room then back at Alan. He sighed shakily and gripped Alan's hand. "I, I'm not sure. I wanted…something. I can't remember what. I thought, I thought I was somewhere else, Alan. I don't remember getting up or walking out of the bedroom and…" Denny's face reddened and he took his free hand and rubbed his chin, "and, I was looking at you and I didn't know who you were! I didn't recognize this place! Oh Alan, it's starting to happen! I'm starting to lose my mind!" A tear coursed its way down Denny's cheek.
Alan tenderly wiped it away and said the first thing that came to him, "Denny, you were having a bad dream that caused you to sleepwalk. It was probably my shouting that disoriented you. Not to worry; I'll schedule an appointment to see Dr. Forrester as soon as possible. I'm sure there's a logical explanation that has nothing to do with Mad Cow or Alzheimer's. Do you think you're ready to come back to bed?"
Denny sat there not answering. He let go of Alan's hand, put his elbows on his knees and covered his face with his hands. Alan's heart was breaking for his best friend. I don't know what to do or what to say, he thought, so I'm just going to be here for him. He leaned back, never taking his eyes off the older man and just waited. If we fall asleep out here, so be it.
Finally, Denny uncovered his face and sat up straight. He looked at Alan and smiled joylessly, "I'm sorry, Alan."
Alan patted him on the back and said, "For what? The lamp? I don't care about that thing! I'm just glad you're not hurt."
Denny turned his entire body to face Alan and it seemed to the younger man that Denny had aged noticeably in the last few minutes. "Not that, Alan. I scared you and I'm sorry. This…" he waved his hand toward the broken lamp, "has made me realize that maybe I've been unfair to you. I've allowed our friendship to become a rope that keeps you tied to me."
Alan was appalled and stammered, "What, what are you saying? That I shouldn't be your friend? Because, that is so not happening!"
"No, I don't mean that. I mean, I've put so much on you and I always assumed you would just do it. I've been selfish; it's a huge burden to be responsible for someone's life and his death. Remember how offended I was when you refused to sign my medical proxy when Barry Gold gave it to you? I was really very insensitive about how you would react; I just wanted you to sign the damn thing! But, tonight I'm realizing, I can't have you do this. I know you love me and would do anything for me, but I love you too and I can't put you through this. It's not fair."
Alan didn't quite know what was going on so he said, "Denny, I'm not sure I understand what it is you're trying to tell me."
Denny replied quietly, "Maybe instead of you shooting me, I should just do it myself and get it over with."
Alan felt as if he had swallowed ice cubes whole. He was choking on and chilled to the bone by what he had just heard. What he saw in Denny's face terrified him. He means what he's saying! Aloud, he said, "Denny, you are making way, way too much of this. It was a bad dream. That's all. Let's not pull my medical proxy or make any other life-changing decisions just yet. Come on, let's get some sleep. I'm tying us together, too."
Denny looked at Alan and asked, "Afraid I'll wander away, again?"
The lie slid off the younger attorney's tongue like water off a duck's back, "Not at all. I'm concerned that all this stress will give me night terrors and I'm in no mood to jump off my balcony tonight."
Denny was unconvinced but touched at his friend's attempt to preserve his dignity. He opted to play along. "Fine," he replied, "but, go to the bathroom now so you're not trying to drag me around later."
Shirley Schmidt was drinking coffee and perusing the morning paper when Alan knocked on her office door and stepped inside. Shirley glanced up, removed her glasses and remarked, "Good morning. You look mighty serious."
Alan closed the door and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. He leaned forward and said, "Shirley, I need your advice about Denny. He scared me very badly last night and, I'm not sure what to do." He filled her in on what had transpired and how he had been so unnerved by it that he couldn't fall back asleep, but had instead, lain there and watched Denny sleep until dawn.
"When I called Dr. Forrester this morning, I told him what Denny had said. He said he will speak to me about this when we get to his office tomorrow morning. What I want to know from you, Shirley, is: Do you think Denny is capable of killing himself?"
Shirley had been listening intently to what Alan was telling her. She looked from Alan to some point on the far wall and then back at him. She let out a long breath and responded, "There was a time when I would have said Denny was too vain, too egotistical and too self-important to ever consider doing himself harm, but now? With his mind going and him realizing it? I honestly don't know. I just don't know. Do you want me to talk to him?"
Alan was chewing his bottom lip like it was lunch. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess it couldn't hurt. What he said to me last night is totally unacceptable. Make him understand that. Please, Shirley."
When Shirley marched into Denny's office, he looked up with resignation written all over his face. "I was expecting you. I take it Alan informed you about last night?"
Shirley walked around his desk until she was next to him and then leaned against it with her arms folded and glared at him. "Alan seems to think that you are considering committing suicide," she stated as a matter of fact. "Are you?"
Denny sat back in his chair and sighed, "Is there any way I can get you to not have this conversation with me?"
Shirley shook her head and responded, "I want you to tell me what is going on with you. Is Alan right?"
Denny stood up and went to look out the window overlooking the balcony. After a few moments spent gathering his thoughts, he began to speak. "Ever since last Thanksgiving, I've been thinking about my…my Mad Cow and how it has been affecting people around me, especially Alan. I know I scared him. I scared myself. Shirley, I didn't recognize him. There is no one closer to me in this world and I didn't know who he was! That forced me to look down the road, so to speak, at what lies ahead. I saw your father, Shirley, it's not pretty. Alan promised he'd shoot me; I know he probably doesn't mean literally, but even if he does, how can I expect him to do that? I know better than most that the cold-hearted bastard he presents to the world protects the sensitive man he really is. I don't want to cause him unnecessary pain. I admit that for just a little while, ending things on my own terms did hold some attraction for me, but I can't do that. I'm still Denny Crane! And, Denny Crane is not a coward."
Denny had not turned around while he was speaking, so he did not see Shirley relax when he said that he had rejected suicide as the answer to his Mad Cow problem. She moved closer and hugged his arm. "I'm glad to hear it. Alan will be, too. But if you don't want Alan to be your medical proxy anymore, who do you want?"
Denny turned toward her and smiled weakly. She gasped, "You don't mean me, do you?"
He looked stricken, "No! Not at all, Shirley. I don't want to cause you any pain either. Carl, on the other hand, I don't care about, but no, not him either."
She let go of his arm and moved to stand in front of him. "So, what exactly do you mean?" she asked.
"I'm thinking I don't want a medical proxy, at all. Remember what Milton Bombay did?"
Shirley stared at him in complete confusion. She sputtered, "You, you want to try to get…frozen?"
Denny's sad smile came back, "No," he answered, "I'm going to retire and leave town. For good."
