As always. these characters and places do not belong to me, they are part of the Brilliant Brooklyn 99 Universe.
He gets like this sometimes. A few too many difficult cases in a row, a couple of dead bodies he can't seem to be rid of. He'll stay up until all hours of the night watching Netflix and trying to distract himself. When he comes into the precinct the next day, he'll be a little more loud, a touch more excitable than usual. He turns down Amy's offers of drinks after work and doesn't go around to her place nearly as often.
It's like all the noise from the world builds up, and during the day he can ride it out, use it to his advantage as he throws himself headfirst into a case. But at night he finds himself second guessing his judgement, going over scenarios again and again in his head. He plans all eventualities of horrible horrible things happening. Recently it's been about Amy. He sees her being kidnapped, murdered, tortured, hit by cars, dying of cancer and, oh god.
His breath is picking up pace
His heart is constricting
it's like the walls are closing in around him
There's too much noise
too much noise
too much noise
He clears his eyes long enough to open a text to Amy. Trying to convince himself that this is what he needs to do right now. That yes, he does need/deserve help right now. She'll understand right?
"It's happening again. I'm sorry. Can you come over? All gooood if not"
Pathetic. He's pathetic. He doesn't need to text his girlfriend every time he can't even control his own thoughts. Why the fuck can't he even be in control of his own emotions? They're his emotions and he should be able to control his own fucking emotions Jesus fucking Christ why the fuck is Amy not responding to him she should be responding maybe she hates him she hates how annoying he is and he can't blame her but oh god what if she leaves and what if he dies sitting right here because he couldn't even get control of his own thoughts and he was way too clingy and yeah she definitely hates him and he's going to die here sitting on the floor and he hates it he hates himself how did it get this bad how did he let himself get this bad oh my god where the fuck is Amy maybe she's been hit with a car and now he's just sitting here and he cant do anything right he's pathetic and useless and Amy would be better off without him why h god why does his whole body have to shake why does he have to be so fucking WEAK
He doesn't even know how long he's been sitting there when he feels soft hands prying his cell phone out of his hands. He hadn't realised he'd been clutching it that tightly, until he felt the blood returning to his fingers. It's her He knows it's her because he can smell her perfume or maybe it's her shampoo but either way it's her and he knows that he's gonna be OK because she's there. Even if the world is spinning and all he can feel is this weight on his chest that is trying to suffocate him. He can't get a breath, he's going to die why can't he breathe Amy's going to leave if he can't brea-
"Jake I need you to put your hands on your knees OK?"
He tries to follow her instructions, the ball he's folded himself into against the wall has become so comforting that he feels naked without his arms wrapped around his waist. But this is Amy and he knows she'll keep him safe. After a couple minutes of trying he moves his shaking arms to his knees. All the while Amy keeps whispering to him, comforting him that it's all going to be OK.
"Fantastic babe, now we're going to try and slow that breathing OK? Just try it's perfectly OK if we can't do it right now but we're going to try together OK? I'm not going anywhere I'm going to stay right here and we're going to take one deep breath OK? Just one that's all I need from you right now is one deep breath in."
Jake manages one shuddering, rasping breath in between his short, shallow gasps for air. He knows he needs to do this, knows that right now the blackness at the edges of his vision are a sign from his body. It's just so hard when all he can think about is how everybody's leaving and he can't do anything to stop it.
"OK when you're ready I want you to try another big breath followed by another. So two big breaths OK?" Amy whispers into him. She's careful not to be too close, she has a hand touching his foot. Enough weight and warmth he can feel her there but not enough that it'll overwhelm him.
Together they continue until the hyperventilation turns into quiet sobs. Amy moves in closer and holds his head against her chest. Stroking his hair, his cheeks. She gently rocks him, soothing him. They sat on the floor for an hour until Jake manages to stop crying and just lays in Amy's arms. It's been a while since he had a panic attack of this scale, and Amy would be lying if she didn't say it scared her. It was always so hard seeing him sitting there, in the same corner every time, curled into a ball with nail marks on his arms from where he'd been trying to physically hold himself together. Once she's sure he's calmed down a little she kisses the top of his head and asks,
"That was a pretty big panic babe, you want to talk about it?"
He looks up at her through wet eyelashes and Amy couldn't help but feel incredibly protective of him in that moment, He just looked so broken.
"I guess" He sighed, shuffling into a more upright position, but keeping a firm hold of her hand.
"But can you stay over, I want to do this somewhere other than the living room floor"
Amy nodded her approval and pulled him gently towards his bedroom, where she and Jake both put on some of his PJs and climb under the covers. Amy pretended not to notice the way his hands shook, or how every so often he had to wipe tears from his eyes. Once they're sat in bed, Jake looked down at his lap. His hands twisting into knots, picking at his cuticles and cracking his knuckles. Amy softly reached over and placed her hands over his, stilling him and forcing his gaze upwards.
She watches him steel himself for what he's about to say, keeping her features soft and relaxed, showing him he's cared for here.
"I – I got trapped" he started out, casting his gaze downwards again. Amy could feel how his hands tightened around hers, and squeezed back comfortingly. She knew how hard it was for him to say this aloud. He never liked seeming weak, or anything less than the happy go lucky guy everybody else saw.
"It's been a tough couple of cases and I guess I just over reacted a little" He hardened his jaw into a firm line at that. She knows him, knows that this is what he does. Jake never likes to admit to feelings. At a look from Amy however he started rambling
"I mean I know I can't control everything and that I should be able to accept that some things are not my fault but how can I? How can I accept that it's not my fault when I never even saw it coming? I've usually thought about every possibility of every possible thing that could happen to me or you or someone near us and then cases like these ones come along and I haven't planned a response and I don't know what to do." His breathing started to escalate again and he knew he needed to try and stay calm, otherwise he was going to work himself into another attack and that wouldn't be helpful to him or Amy right now. He tried to focus on the feeling of Amy rubbing circles into his palms rather than on the clawing panic he could feel making its way back up his throat.
Amy sensed the rising anxiety levels and tried to calm him,
"You can't control everything Jake. I know it makes it easier to have pre-thought out every single scenario, trust me I understand needing that comfort. But even if you aren't prepared it's not your fault if another vic dies. That's the perps fault and you can't blame yourself for what the dirt bags do. You're the best detective in that precinct, whether you've planned things out or not. You know I'm always going to have your back, and I know for sure you didn't plan on that happening for the first little while that we were partners. Babe I've been watching you these past few months and you've been putting so much pressure on yourself to get this all done perfectly. I think we need to take a step back when you're ready and look at things objectively. But for now I know there was something more than work stress going on here tonight. Whats going on?
Jake looked up from their hands where he had been mesmerised by her thumbs, which were still rubbing concentric circles onto his hands. He took a steadying breath as he prepared himself for what he was about to say,
"I was trying to think of all the ways you could be hurt so I could prevent them..." He paused wondering whether he should continue and just tell her everything that happened or leave it at that.
"I – well – I – when I texted you I started thinking that I'd scared you off. That you weren't going to come. I – I - thought that you'd left me too" The last part he stammered very fast almost as if he hoped she wouldn't hear it.
Amy felt her heart sinking in her chest. When that text had come through she had been getting ready to have a shower after a late night of paperwork at the 99 precinct. She hadn't even unlocked her phone, getting as far as "It's happening again" before she'd run back out to her hallway, grabbed her keys and started driving over to Jake. She hadn't thought about how it would've felt for him to be sitting there wondering whether or not she was coming, turning his spiral into an even deeper tumble than it originally was.
"Oh Jake, babe, look at me" She put her hand gently on his shoulder to try and get him to look up.
"I am not going anywhere. I love you OK? And as soon as I got that text I had jumped in the car to come over. I didn't even think to tell you I was on my way, I thought you'd just know. I promise you from now on, when you need me, I will be there as soon as I can, and I will let you know I'm coming. Because the very last thing you need to worry about, is that I'm going to be there, because I am. Always will be." She smiled softly at him "you're not gonna get rid of me that easily Peralta"
He managed a wan smile and leaned in to kiss her on the forehead,
"I think that's all I can manage for today babe, can we just go to sleep?"
Santiago just smiled and lay down under his duvet, she laid her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat, not as slow as usual but steadily returning to normal. As Jake started rubbing her back softly she closed her eyes. Hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.
