A sleepless night
The elegant Westminster clock in the front hall chimes three. Another night has passed into my own personal witching hour. I lay awake in my darkened room looking out my small window at the street lamp across the way, refusing to let myself surrender to slumber. No sleep equals no dreams. Truly dreams are my worst enemy tonight. I can't remember when I last slept without dreaming about her. My recurring Dreams of being near her; of holding her close to me; of showing her how very much I care. In my dreams she holds me close also, that is how I know it is an illusion. Sometimes I choose to ignore this fact and just relish the moments I will never see in the wake-a-day world. Other times I fight it and wake myself to feel alone and miserable in the cruel dark night. I am alone, for while I am not the only person living in this house, no one knows the real me. The me I keep hidden away from everyone else. Even if my brother sometimes tries too hard, I know he does care for me. And although I am not completely uncared for it just isn't enough at times like this. I am very alone in dealing with my feelings concerning her. I can't sleep, my nerves are on edge. I dare not let the depths of my emotions for her show. Tonight I lay awake afraid of the possibility of such an issue arising for tomorrow I will be alone with her most of the day. I fear the consequences to our friendship for she would feel the need to try to accommodate my feelings somehow, being who she is. She would try to make me happy, even at her own expense and I could not abide by that. Or perhaps she would just walk away. Even she has to have her breaking point doesn't she? Somehow I can't see her abandoning me as a friend though. Even if she would be better off to do so.
The elegant Westminster clock in the front hall chimes four. There are only nine more hours until we are to meet at the cinema. There is a movie she said she wanted to see so Arisa and I agreed to accompany her. Then, unexpectedly, Arisa was called in to work. So now it's just me and my dear one alone in a darkened theater. It will be nice, having that time together, watching her enjoy the show, sharing a tub of popcorn. But in the end she will go on to her part time job from what I consider as our first, and probably only, date still thinking of me as a good friend, and nothing more than that. I will return home, alone, and cry myself to sleep.
At times I have considered ending my life to end this torment, but I couldn't do that to her. She has lost so much already and there is nothing I could leave her written in a sad little note that would make it all better. She and I could never be and I have accepted that. Yet I still dread the day when she finally tells him how she feels. I will try to smile and tell her how happy I am for her. That I love her like a sister and I am so proud of her. I will cry at their wedding and thank heaven that no one will notice or care to ask me why. After all I am a girl; we can be emotional at such times. Tears trickle from my eyes to wet the black lacy pillow case under my head just thinking about it now. It is said that that which nearly kills you makes you stronger. If that is true, then my love for Tohru Honda is making me very strong indeed.
