Can't Let You Go

I guess it was not meant to be…

Your room has grown so empty. I've spent a great deal of time telling myself this wasn't truly happening but I now feel the gaping holes where your belongings used to be as if they were in my heart. Your wardrobe is growing bare; their contents carefully packed away into countless trunks and so many boxes. I let my fingers brush the mattress of what used to be your bed, stripped of sheets and blankets. It's cold.

It's not as bad as it seems…

You're going to be happy now, right? You and Mary and your own house and your own practice and I won't be there to scare away your patients with experiments and gunfire. I'll be alone but I'll be okay. After all…

It only burns when I breathe…

I take a deep breath. It shakes in my chest and I feel an ache there akin to a bullet hole. I tell myself it's good that you're leaving. You'll have time to concentrate on healing people and I'll have time to concentrate on cases; cases in which you'll not be in harm's way because of my carelessness.

I'm better off by myself…

Yes, I tell myself that I can stand this pain. I'll learn how to live again somehow. I'll learn how to read the paper without you sitting there beside me. I'll learn how to solve a case without you by my side. The scent of you will eventually fade from the clothes that I stole and I'll learn to forget they were yours. And it will be okay.

That's the tale I like to tell…

I'm trying not to be selfish. I'm trying to respect what you want even though it tears me apart. If you love someone you're supposed to let them go…

But it's not that easy for me to say goodbye

I try to ignore this nagging feeling, this gaping chasm I feel. Emotions only make you weak but there is no way to look at this logically. There is no physical explanation as to why I need you so badly. You're not food, water, or rest but I require you to live. You're not drugs or drink but I crave you just the same.

Everything in me wants you back in my life

I want to handle this gracefully but I can't stand to see you in the arms of Mary or anyone else besides myself. I can't stand the thought of you going away. I can't stand the thought of you forgetting me. I can't stand the thought of not seeing you everyday. I…

Can't let you go

Can't let you go

I look out the window and see you standing there…with her. I see you heading back into the house so I quickly leave your room, pretending I was never in it; pretending I don't care. I retreat to my room. It's a mess, as always until you come in after me to pick up what I drop, to dust what I've neglected. But you won't do that anymore will you?

It feels like the dawn of the dead

Like bombs going off in my head

Never a moment of rest…

I catch my reflection in the magnifying lens that sits on my desk. The warped image it shows me is of a man who hasn't shaved in a week; dark circles forming under his eyes from lack of sleep and his hair a haphazard mess of darkness. I haven't been taking care of myself lately. All I see, hear, and breathe is the gnawing dread of your departure and your cheerful packing that drops a stone to the pit of my stomach. You're really leaving.

Nothing kills more than to know

That this is the end of the road

And I know I gotta let go…

It's not that easy for me to say goodbye

Everything in me wants you back in my life

Can't let you go

Can't let you go

Can't let you go

Can't let you go…

Gladstone has fallen asleep on the floor. Our dog… our rooms…our life… I kneel down to pet him; his slumber is not drug-induced this time. I haven't the heart for experiments as of late but I'll gladly put on a show for you. I'll plaster on a smile and make you think I'm alright.

Wish I could just find a way…

I've been trying to train myself not to think of you so much; prepare for the inevitable. But I find that it's much harder than it should be.

To have all your memories erased…

You're the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. So I don't sleep much anymore. We used to share all of our meals together. So I don't eat much anymore. But memories of you, of us, plague me no matter how desperately I try to hide.

'Cause constantly they're haunting me…

You're in my room now. The time has finally come, time to say goodbye.

It's not that easy for me to say goodbye

You look at me and I look right back though the blue of your eyes penetrates me. There's so much to say but I can't say anything because she is here with you. She's not welcome; not invited. She should realize how gross of an intrusion she is. This should be a private moment. You and she will have many private moments and yet she begrudges me this last one. I know I'm being petty and ridiculous for blaming her but I'm so vulnerable; hopeless.

And everything in me wants you back in my life…

Our goodbye is stiff, almost silent, and too awkward for us. Neither of us has anything to say anymore. Everything is already said or lost to us forever. I lock my emotions and unspoken words away in my heart and force a smile for you. You fidget anxiously and find an excuse to exit quickly. This is not the goodbye I wanted. Then again, I never wanted goodbye. I watch you disappear down the stairs before I shut the door behind you. I press my back against the cold wood, hoping for a solace it could not give. I let myself slide down until I am slumped on the floor, head in my hands. I feel the hot, insistent prickle of tears in my eyes and I can't hold them back anymore.

Can't let you go

Can't let you go

Can't let you go

I can't let you go.


(A/N: So that was pretty angsty but I just had to do a fic for this song. I love Adam Lambert and Shwatsonlock and it seemed to fit perfectly. Please tell me what you think. Reviews make me smile :D)