I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

This season follows my alternate season eight, so if it doesn't make any sense you've either just had a lobotomy or you haven't read episode twenty-four of season eight, in which case I would recommend you do so or the monkey gets it.

May I take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent me feedback on my season eight finale — WARNING! I'M ABOUT TO NAME NAMES SO PLEASE NO ONE HAVE A CORONARY THIS TIME — Marissa (the one person who has pestered me blind over the last few months), Crofty (who gives me more support and encouragement then I really deserve), Charlotte, Misti, Sydney, Dani, Becky, Joy, Megan, Laura, Casey, Jodie, Beryl, Gillian, Olli, Norah, Kate and Stephanie.

Feedback is as always appreciated and may stop the aliens from giving me an anal probe, so please send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com


Frasier
Alternative Season Nine Episode One
The American's Are Coming! The American's Are Coming!

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)

ACT ONE

(A)

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE LOUNGE — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin, Attendant)

FRASIER, NILES, ROZ AND MARTIN SIT IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE BY THE GATE WAITING TO BOARD THE AEROPLANE. TO THE RIGHT, AN ATTENDANT MANS THE DESK BY THE DEPARTURE GATE AS NILES FIDGETS IN HIS SEAT AND SEVERAL OTHER PASSENGERS MILL AROUND

FRASIER

Niles will you stop fidgeting. You're acting like you're wearing wool underwear. And you can't be that depressed that you're actually wearing the pair Nanna knitted you in the forth grade, your voice would be a lot higher to start with and you'd probably be covered in a nasty rash.

NILES

Hence the reason why I'd be fidgeting. Not to mention I'd have an extremely visible underwear line and that doesn't really go with an Armani suit. Well not with this Armani suit at least. It may look better with a double-breasted jacket.

ROZ

You mean a visible panty line you underwear illiterate doily.

NILES

But surprisingly enough I'm not wearing panties.

FRASIER

Thank God. There's an image I can do without.

ROZ

Oh come on, you've never once tried on some of Daphne's underwear? You've never gone to the Opera in a pair? You must have some sort of bizarre fetish like that. Stuffed shirts always do. I once dated an accountant who liked to rub meat paste on the bald spot on his head before we had sex. The smell put the romance right out of the relationship for me.

NILES GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND STARTS TO PACE ABOUT THE ROOM

NILES

We haven't reached the cross dressing stage of our relationship yet Roz. Give it a couple of months and I won't leave the house without wearing one of her pleated skirts or summer dresses.

MARTIN

That makes me feel so proud. Who doesn't want to see their son wearing high heels and a teddy?

FRASIER

Well me for one I don't think Lilith will be too keen either.

NILES

But back to the original question, no Frasier I'm not wearing wool underwear.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN

ROZ

I remember my Grandmother once tried to knit me a wool bathing suit for my summer vacation. That was ten years ago when I was about eighteen.

FRASIER'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN

ROZ (CONT'D)

Frasier close your mouth before you catch a fly or maybe even a fist.

MARTIN

Did you wear it?

ROZ

I had to. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. We went on a family vacation to Florida. The crotch stretched so much with the weight of the water that when I was walking out of the sea it looked as if I had a drift net strapped between my legs. I had to keep telling people "It's seaweed honestly, feel it. Do I look French?" I caught more fish in that then my Grandfather did in two weeks fishing with a rod.

NILES GETS BACK UP AND WALKS AROUND

FRASIER

It gives a whole new meaning to the idea of having caught crabs.

ROZ

For God's sake I nearly beached a whale with it.

FRASIER

There's a pretty picture. Roz straddling a large marine mammal.

ROZ

There were a whole bunch of environmentalists on the beach panicking and trying to push it back into the sea.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN AND STARTS TO SQUIRM AROUND IN HIS SEAT TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE TO THE INCREASING ANNOYANCE OF FRASIER AND ROZ

NILES

Are you sure they weren't aiming those comments at you? Did anyone try to hurl you back into the water? Or simply try to clog your blowhole for your own sake?

ROZ

No! Although I did pretend to have passed out from the shock to get a little mouth-to-mouth action with the lifeguard. I soon got up and ran when I saw a huge beer belly running towards me in tight shorts. And running at great speed is hard enough on sand without dragging half the coral reef with you between your legs. I looked like a character off Bay Watch.

FRASIER

Niles will you sit still! If you do this during the flight I will stuff you in the overhead bin. Even if I'm forced to make you swallow your own feet to fit in there I'll still do it. I don't care how much those shoes cost.

NILES

Thank you so much for your support. I feel like Hitler during the Second World War. In fact he had more people on his side.

MARTIN

Well that happens when you're the leader of the Nazi's. People tend to follow you around like sheep.

ROZ

I always thought you were a bit of a homicidal maniac. But I thought it was best to turn a blind eye until it got to the stage when you tuned into a necrophilliac. Then I'd mention it and suggest professional help or at least call into the show. Either way I don't mind.

FRASIER

We're going half way around the world with you Niles. Is that not enough support. We're here to back up your story. Either that or to heavily sedate Daphne and force her to come home.

MARTIN

Hell I even faked a seizure so I could steal the ex-ray of the ring for you. Do you think it's easy to turn blue by holding your breathe without passing out? I nearly had a stoke. I still can't feel my right arm.

FRASIER

That's because you've got your watchstrap done up too tight. How many more times do I have to tell you?

MARTIN

Well I wish you'd have told me sooner. I shut my hand in the car door yesterday. It took me five minutes to realise.

NILES GETS UP AND STARTS TO PACE AGAIN

NILES

I told you that you didn't have to do that Dad. We could just have got Roz to sleep with the doctor. I'm sure he was already on her 'to do' list.

ROZ

That's very amusing.

MARTIN

How much more support do you need?

ROZ

I've got an extra Wonder Bra in my bag if you want that support. They'll also lift and separate.

MARTIN

Why have you got an extra bra in your carry on luggage? Are you planning on catapulting the food at the flight attendants?

NILES

I wasn't aware you could make a hammock out of a bra. But I have news for you. There are no palm trees in Manchester to hang it from.

NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN

ROZ

It's in case I loose the one I'm wearing.

FRASIER

Because we all loose our underwear at thirty thousand feet. Detectives work twenty-four hours a day trying to solve the mystery. I used to put it down to spontaneous underwear combustion due to the high altitude but that theory was proved wrong. It's actually the little underwear gnomes that live in the seat cushions. They build their houses out of it. They crawl up your trousers leg and steal your underwear as fast as a whippet in heat. Make sure your shoelaces are done up as tightly as possible or they'll steal your socks as well to make sleeping blankets out of.

ROZ

Oh my God. How naive are you three? You lead such sheltered lives.

NILES

What does that mean?

FRASIER

Oh I see. (LOUDLY TO NILES) The mile high club.

ROZ

Could you say that a little louder please? I don't think someone in immigration heard you.

FRASIER

Sure. (LOUDER) The mile high club.

MARTIN

Thinking of taking out a membership?

NILES

Membership? Roz is President of that club. Why do you think she has so many frequent flyer miles?

NILES ONCE AGAIN GETS UP AND STARTS PACING BACK AND FORTH

ROZ

Well if your jealous Niles, you could always join it on your own if you're quick and steal a rubber glove from the janitor's trolley over there. Don't bother to tell him I doubt he'll want it back afterwards. (SHOUTS) And will you just sit down! You're up and down more times then a stripper's thong.

NILES SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS SEAT

MARTIN

Is there someone you've got your eye on then Roz?

ROZ

No but when I've got liquored up on those tiny bottles of alcohol, I don't get too fussy.

NILES

Be on your guard Dad you could be next.

FRASIER

How do you even fit two people in one of those toilets anyway? You can barely pick up your trousers without knocking yourself out on the door. I knocked myself out cold once. Heaven only knows what that flight attendant thought when she eventually prized the door open and I fell out drooling with my pants around my ankles.

MARTIN

'Help me I'm blind' immediately springs to mind.

FRASIER

Needless to say Lilith wasn't impressed. Especially when it turned out I had a slight concussion, forgot I was married to Lilith and kept flirting with the women sitting behind me.

ROZ

It's all a matter of physics.

NILES

I see it's just the matter of a simple volume equation.

ROZ

That and just cramming yourself in there as quickly as possible and hope you don't set the smoke alarm off with all the steam. Of course the more turbulence the better, the less he has to do.

FRASIER

Charming.

NILES STARES AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT BEFORE RESTING HIS HEAD ON FRASIER'S SHOULDER

NILES

(WHINING) I miss Daphne.

MARTIN

It won't be long now son.

FRASIER

I can't help but notice Roz, that while the three of us are miserable and anxious to get there and explain you have a smile like a Cheshire cat plastered on your face.

ROZ

Well do you blame me?

NILES

Yes I do blame you. This is after all, all your fault.

ROZ

If you say that once more I'll shove your life jacket down your throat and pull the cord to inflate it. If I feel real nice about it I may let you take an aspirin beforehand in case it gives you a slight sore throat.

FRASIER

Why are you so happy? Have you been taking Prozac again? I thought my prescription pad had gone missing.

ROZ

I'm going on a free holiday. I intend on having a good time.

FRASIER

You do realise that there's every chance you'll run into Simon and his ragging hormones and wondering hands while we're there.

ROZ

Oh I'll run into him all right. If he comes near me I'll run into him with a school bus and not stop until the Police use spikes to burst the tires and tackle me to the ground.

MARTIN

I don't fancy your chances for getting bail then.

ROZ

No problem, I'll just flirt myself out of it.

THE ATTENDANT SWITCHES ON THE MICROPHONE

ATTENDANT

At this time we'd like to start pre boarding. Seating first class passengers only, rows one to seven. Pre boarding only first class passengers at this time.

NILES GETS UP AND PICKS UP HIS BAG

NILES

Ah first class, that's us.

FRASIER

Actually Niles, we're not in first class.

NILES

Why?

FRASIER

Well it was so last minute, I had trouble getting us all on the same flight. I had to take what they had unless you wanted to wait a few more days.

NILES

Well we can still go. By the time we reach the front they'll be calling business class.

FRASIER

We're not in business class.

NILES

Then what class are we in?

FRASIER

Coach.

NILES

Oh I see. In other words we're showing no class. Roz you should feel right at home.

ROZ

I'm already sick of you, you little titmouse and we haven't even boarded the plane yet.

NILES

Then you shouldn't have eaten Daphne's ring.

ROZ STANDS UP AND GRABS A PLUNGER FROM OFF THE JANITOR'S TROLLEY

ROZ

That's it, forget the life jacket I'm just going to use this plunger. Let's see how far down I can push it. Frasier tell me when it starts to rip a hole in his pants.

AS NILES RUNS AWAY FROM ROZ AND SEVERAL PASSENGERS WALK TOWARDS THE GATE WE:

FADE OUT

(B)

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S JUST A PITY THEY DON'T KEEP COWS ON THE RUNWAY'

FADE IN:

INT. COACH SECTION OF THE AEROPLANE — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Flight Attendant, Mary, Sue, Martin, Second Flight Attendant, Roz)

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ISLE FROM MARTIN AND ROZ. NILES CONTINUES TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT

FRASIER

Will you stop it! You're making me sea sick in the air. And even though they supply us with sick bags I don't particularly want to use one.

NILES

I'm sorry but what do you expect when I'm forced to sit with all the riff raff? We're literally moments away from a drunken brawl.

FRASIER

Tell me about it. I'm surprised we don't have to flap our arms to keep the plane level.

NILES

And I'm just really nervous about seeing her. What if she doesn't believe me? What if I've lost her for good? I might as well just throw myself in front of an ice cream truck to put me out of my misery.

FRASIER

Of course she'll believe you.

A FLIGHT ATTENDANT STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE

NILES

How do you know? Why would anyone believe that story? It's so unbelievable. I'll show you. (TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Excuse me miss. If you suspected your boyfriend of having an affair because he was spending a lot of time with another women and you think he's confessed to it would you take him back?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

No way. I'd castrate him and flush it down the toilet at thirty thousand feet. I'd see how much he'd fool around then.

NILES

But what if the real reason he was spending so much time with this woman was because she ate the engagement ring he was going to give to you and wanted it back? What he was confessing to was that the ring had been eaten, would you believe him?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Are you kidding? I'd beat him around the head and neck with a broken bottle for treating me as such a fool. Eating a ring? That's the most absurd, unbelievable, implausible thing I have ever heard.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS INTO HER STATION AS NILES STARTS TO ROCK BACK AND FORTH AND BREATHE RAPIDLY

NILES

Frasier I'm starting to hyperventilate. I need my oxygen mask or my sick bag or just a really deep pocket.

FRASIER

Now Niles that's just one women's opinion.

MARY STICKS HER HEAD ABOVE NILES' SEAT FROM THE ROW BEHIND

MARY

Excuse me for listening, but if it were me I'd drop him with a dear rifle first and ask questions later.

FRASIER

Yes thank you.

SUE LEANS OVER FROM BEHIND MARTIN'S CHAIR

SUE

No way that'd be too quick. I'd disembowel him with a spoon right there and then on the kitchen table.

MARY

It'd be slower if it involved a ferret and some lubricant.

MARTIN

Now I'm looking forward to my dinner.

FRASIER

Thank you so much for your input ladies but this really doesn't concern you. Although it should probably concern the ferret.

MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS, WITH A SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT, AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES AND POINTS HIM OUT

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

This is the guy.

SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT

If it were me, I'd believe him. Until he started to head butt my meat cleaver several times out of guilt.

MARY AND SUE STAND BACK UP TO LISTEN

NILES

But it's true. It happened to me, she did eat the ring. I was only trying to get it back. Don't you believe me?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Of course we believe you. And oh look a tiny fairy just flew out of your ass and belched the alphabet.

ALL FOUR WOMEN THEN START TO SLAP NILES AS THEY SHOW THEIR DISGUST

FRASIER

This has all been most helpful but there's a women over there who needs a kidney transplant that you can terrorise and tell her she won't get. Thank you ladies.

MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS BOTH FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXIT BACK INTO THEIR STATION. FRASIER HANDS NILES A DRINK

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Here Niles drink this.

NILES

No thanks I had an eyedropper of Vodka before I left the house that should last me about a week.

ROZ

This is the only place where you can order a bottle of rum and a coke and actually get it.

NILES

No wonder you're so happy.

MARTIN

Just try and relax Niles. Put your seat back.

NILES

Oh yes because that eighth of an inch recline will make all the difference. It won't make me miss Daphne anymore. Did you notice how the first class passengers wouldn't even make eye contact with us? This isn't right. I don't belong in steerage; I belong on the other side of that curtain. I have a reputation to protect.

FRASIER

Well so do I, I am after all a celebrity.

MARTIN, NILES AND ROZ THEN START TO ROLL ABOUT LAUGHING

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Thank you all so much. Have you remembered the ring?

NILES

No I left it on the kitchen table just for fun. In fact I was hoping that Eddie would eat it. I'm sorry Frasier, yes, here it is.

NILES GETS A PLASTIC BAG OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE WHICH HAS THE RING IN IT, HE THEN GETS A RUBBER GLOVE OUT AND PUTS IT ON

ROZ

Why have you got it in that plastic bag? And the rubber glove? You know when I suggested joining the mile high club on your own Niles I was only joking.

NILES

It's not for that.

MARTIN

Then why have you brought it?

NILES

I'm going to take the pilot's temperature the old fashioned way, why do you think? I'm not touching that with my bare hands. I know where it's been.

ROZ

Hey!

FRASIER

Lucky you, I've seen where it's been.

ROZ

Hey!

NILES

I've brought an extra rubber glove for Daphne to wear under the ring until I've had the chance to boil it in disinfectant. I don't want her to catch anything.

ROZ

You're the one who wouldn't let me run it through the dishwasher.

NILES

I'm considering asking Father Daniel to let me wash it in Holy Water. I don't think he'll mind. Maris once talked him into letting the servants wash the dogs in it. But then again she did threaten him with being extradited. I wonder if that trick will work again.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS AND STARTS TO HAND OUT THE DINNER PLATES

FRASIER

Of course he won't mind Niles. Who wouldn't want to baptise children with water that has essence of Roz's bowel in it. Why doesn't he just skip the middleman and damn the poor souls for all eternity.

ROZ

If you don't all stop it, I'll eat it again.

NILES

You wouldn't dare.

ROZ

Try me.

ROZ LUNGES FORWARD TO GRAB THE RING BUT NILES QUICKLY PUTS IT AWAY

FRASIER

Will you two behave! It's like having a couple of naughty school children.

MARTIN

(TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Thank you. Niles just relax, eat your dinner and then try to go to sleep, then before you know it we'll be there.

NILES

Oh yes dinner.

THEY ALL START TO PROD AND POKE THEIR DINNER

FRASIER

What exactly is this again?

ROZ

I think they said chicken. Although they never mentioned in which life that was.

FRASIER

Well it may be a bird but I'm not sure it's chicken.

NILES

I think the smart money is on pigeon. Check it for a racing tag.

MARTIN

If you think this is bad, you should try eating hospital food. One thing I didn't realise when you filled out those organ donor cards was that the organs go straight to the hospital kitchen. I guess it's their idea of recycling.

NILES

This was hit on the runway.

FRASIER

Don't exaggerate.

NILES

It has a tire mark embedded in it. No car tire is that big.

FRASIER

We should be used to this by now.

ROZ

And when's the last time you ate pigeon?

FRASIER

I was referring to inedible cooking. We have after all been trying to digest Daphne's cooking for the last eight years. After that my stomach lining can take anything you throw at it. I bet I could give Hannibal Lector a run for his money by now.

MARTIN

Just eat it boys.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WALKS PAST AS NILES STOPS HER

NILES

Excuse me. Is it possible to have a meal that didn't fly into one of the engines? I didn't hear anyone yell 'bird strike.'

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

That's very humorous.

NILES

How about something from first class?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Am I going to have trouble with you little man?

NILES

No ma'am.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS BACK INTO THE STATION

NILES (CONT'D)

Why do they act like Hitler just because they have the power to deny us a tiny bag of peanuts?

ROZ

That's one of life's unanswerable questions like what's the meaning of life? Is there life on other planets? Why won't Frasier finally admit that he's virtually bald and buy a wig?

FRASIER

What does that mean?

ROZ

Frasier when the sun catches your forehead the glare can send you blind.

MARTIN

Will you all stop fighting! We're all a little anxious to get this sorted out. We all miss her, but that's no reason to take it out on each other. Now relax and stop abusing one another.

A STEWARD ENTERS FROM FIRST CLASS AND STOPS BY NILES AND SLAPS HIM

STEWARD

You brute!

MARTIN

I can't control outside parties.

AS MARTIN EATS HIS DINNER AND NILES RUBS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE:

FADE OUT

(C)

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin)

FRASIER ENTERS NILES' DARK AND DINGY HOTEL ROOM, AS NILES LIES FLAT ON HIS BED HOLDING HIS STOMACH. THE BED IS ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL NEXT TO A WINDOW, ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE FRONT DOOR AND ON THE BACK WALL THERE IS A BATHROOM DOOR AND AN ADJOINING DOOR

FRASIER

Well my room is fine. Apart from the broken furniture and lingering smell of alcohol and blood. I think the previous occupants had a little party. Probably Daphne's brothers. What's your room like?

NILES

I haven't noticed. All I've done so far is stick my head down the toilet, cling to the rim for dear life and watch that plane processed pigeon vanish out of me and down the bowl. On the upside the cleaning service here seems to be first rate.

FRASIER

Let's let some light in here. It's too much like a morgue.

FRASIER OPENS THE CURTAINS AND IS FACED WITH A BRICK WALL COVERED IN GRAFFITI READING 'MAN CITY RULE' TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW RESULTING IN HARDLY ANY ADDITIONAL LIGHT COMING INTO THE ROOM

FRASIER (CONT'D)

Now that's interesting. They have a guest book that we can sign. At least we know for certain now though that Manchester City Rule. That's one foe par we won't make while we're here.

NILES

Not that I had any doubts. Is that the croquet club do you think?

ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE ADJOINING DOOR, HER HAIR LOOKING EXTREMELY WILD

ROZ

Are you two thirsty? Are you beginning to see mirages of tiny streams surrounded by palm trees? Please say yes.

FRASIER

Not really Roz.

ROZ

Are you sure? You look a little dehydrated. Here let me pinch your hand.

ROZ TRIES TO PINCH FRASIER'S HAND BUT HE BACKS AWAY FIRST

FRASIER

You're not pinching anything. I'm pretty sure. I have been able to tell since I was a very young child if I required fluid or not. It's one of my gifts.

ROZ

Are you hungry? Sometimes I get so hungry I start to hallucinate. I thought a beaver was attacking me once with a giant inflatable hotdog.

FRASIER

Not particularly. And maybe you should see a doctor about that beaver thing or take a day off and call into the show.

ROZ

How about you Niles? I thought I heard thunder but it might be your stomach rumbling. Does my head look like a giant turkey?

NILES

Well yes but that still doesn't make me hungry. I don't really want to look at food right now or possibly ever again. I know I'll never look at a pigeon the same way again; they're nothing but rats with wings.

ROZ

Well thanks a lot both of you. It's nice to know who I can depend on in a time of crisis.

FRASIER

What crisis? What is the matter?

NILES

You're not suddenly earning off room service commission are you? Because if you are it's Frasier's turn to tip this week.

ROZ

No but did you see how cute the guy delivering the room service was? He was so pretty he sent my legs to jelly.

FRASIER

And there was I thinking you were quivering from the cold.

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MARTIN

We've got to change hotels.

FRASIER

Why? Have you seen any rats?

NILES

Rats? Where?

NILES STANDS ON THE BED

MARTIN

There's no sports channel. I didn't expect ESPN but something would be nice. I can't survive without sport it's like oxygen. Rats nibbling on my ear lobs I could contend with but not this.

FRASIER

We are not changing hotels. Surely you can cope a few days without seeing a group of sweaty men running around.

ROZ

I can't.

FRASIER

I wasn't talking to you. We're here to get Daphne to come home not watch sports or hit on the people delivering room service. Now Niles what's her address, we can get reception to order us a cab.

NILES

I have no idea.

MARTIN

What do you mean you have no idea? Where do her parents live?

NILES

I don't know.

ROZ

For someone who's been obsessed with her for eight years, you don't know a lot about her. Can you even remember what she looks like?

NILES

Funnily enough, the exact address of her parents in another country didn't come up.

FRASIER

But you were coming here on vacation.

ROZ SIGHS AT NILES AND WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN

NILES

Yes with Daphne, she was my guide she was my Sherpa.

ROZ

Oh my God! Look at my head. It's wild. Why didn't anyone tell me I had airplane hair?

ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO FLATTEN HER HAIR BUT IT JUST BOUNCES BACK AGAIN

FRASIER

We've been travelling for nearly twenty hours, couldn't you guess? Why do you think they spent so long looking at your passport photo in immigration? He thought you were the wild woman of Borneo.

ROZ

No wonder the room service guy was starring at me. I look like an escaped mental patient who's had too much electro-shock therapy. Why didn't anyone tell me? Did you think it would make me seem more attractive over here? Do you think that English men have a history of troll blindness?

NILES

How did we go from looking for Daphne to Roz's airplane hair?

ROZ

God it looks even worse then hat hair. Construction workers look better at the end of the day then I do right now and they wear plastic hats and sweat a lot.

MARTIN

It's OK. It's not a problem just look in the phone book.

NILES TAKES THE PHONE BOOK OUT OF THE DRESSER DRAWER

ROZ

I'm too tired to go to a hair salon now. The moment they start massaging the shampoo into my scalp I'll be out like a light.

THEY ALL STARE AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT WHILE SHE CONTINUES TO FLATTEN HER HAIR

MARTIN

I meant to find Daphne's address.

NILES STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK

NILES

Moon, Moon. OK there are seventeen Moon's in the phone book. What do I do now? Close my eyes, point to an address and hope it's the right one.

FRASIER

Look up her father's initial.

NILES

Now we're down to six.

ROZ

So just call them up until you get the right one. Don't worry about people thinking you're insane, you won't ever see them.

NILES

But what if she leaves the house before I get a chance to go around there? I'm just going to go and start knocking on doors that way she can't escape.

FRASIER

That sounds like...an extremely desperate idea Niles. I say go for it. What have you got to loose other then your pride, dignity and any chance of some sort of future happiness? Have you got the ring?

NILES TAKES THE PLASTIC BAG WITH THE RING IN OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE, SHIELDING IT FROM ROZ BEFORE HE PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET

NILES

Yes.

FRASIER

Do you want me to come with you?

NILES

Please. I'm so tired I don't think I'll be able to cope if I run into a gang of drunken soccer hooligans.

ROZ

And Frasier is the ideal defence in that situation. Why don't you take a gladiola to fight any would be attackers off with?

AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

(D)

TITLE CARD: 'OVER PAID, OVER SEXED AND OVER HERE'

FADE IN:

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Simon, Mrs. Moon, Nigel, Mrs. Etchells, Alan, Women)

NILES AND FRASIER WALK UP A STREET WITH HOUSES ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM THAT ALL VIRTUALLY LOOK IDENTICAL. EACH HAS A SMALL GARDEN IN FRONT SURROUNDED BY A WALL. NILES CARRIES A MAP AS THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS

NILES

My feet are killing me. I think I have blisters on my blisters. Who knew Manchester was so big?

FRASIER

I'm having an incredible sense of déjà vu. All these streets look exactly the same. I take it back about accusing you of sending us around in circles. I'm sorry Niles but if this isn't the right house, I'm going to give up for the day. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.

NILES

Frasier this is the last name on the list. If we don't find her here she's lied for the last eight years about being a Mancunian. Here it is number thirty-seven.

THEY STOP OUTSIDE A HOUSE AND WALK THROUGH THE GATE. THEY APPROACH THE DOOR AND NILES RINGS THE BELL FOLLOWED BY A LIGHT KNOCK

A BEAT

NILES ONCE AGAIN RINGS THE BELL AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH

A BEAT

FRASIER

No one's home. Come back tomorrow.

NILES RINGS THE BELL ONCE MORE

NILES

Give it a minute.

NILES CONTINUES TO STAND ON THE DOORSTEP AS FRASIER TAKES A FEW STEPS BACK OUT ONTO THE STREET TO LOOK AT THE UPSTAIRS WINDOWS FOR ANY SIGN OF LIFE. SUDDENLY THE WINDOW DIRECTLY ABOVE THE FRONT DOOR AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DIRECTLY ABOVE NILES OPENS AND A FIGURE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAINS POURS A BUCKET OF WATER ALL OVER NILES COMPLETELY SOAKING HIM. NILES TRIES TO GET THE WATER OUT OF HIS EYES AS FRASIER RATHER HESITANTLY APPROACHES HIM

FRASIER

I may be taking a stab in the dark here, but I'd say you've got the right house.

THE FIGURE IN THE WINDOW LEANS FORWARD AND TURNS OUT TO BE SIMON

SIMON

Just be glad it's water. Dad's been on the crapper for the last hour with the newspaper and I have a very full bladder.

NILES MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WALL SO HE CAN SEE THE WINDOW CLEARLY

NILES

Simon is she here?

SIMON

That information is classified. I am not allowed to divulge it. But for a hundred quid and a six-pack I might.

NILES

Please Simon I didn't do anything wrong.

SIMON

Well I know that. Given the chance I'd give Roz a quick one as well but that's just between us gents.

FRASIER

Your secrets safe with us.

MRS. MOON

(OFF STAGE) Simon who are you talking to? Stop mooning the neighbours. I'm sick of having to wipe the shape of your arse off the windows. Do you have any idea how unhygienic that is?

SIMON

(SHOUTING INSIDE) It's whats-his-face, Daphne's chap, Blinky.

NILES

Actually it's Niles. But don't worry about that your only sister and I have only been dating for a year. It's nothing special.

MRS. MOON

(OFF STAGE) You keep him there I'll get the carving knife and the ball gag.

NILES

Simon is she there? Please let me speak to her.

MRS. MOON ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE HOLDING A BROOM WHICH SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO VISCOUSLY BEAT FRASIER WITH

MRS. MOON

You've got a lot of nerve showing up here after what you did. Just be thankful I'm not using a shovel from the garden. I've got a pointed stick with a nail in the end somewhere in the shed.

FRASIER

My God why do you keep confusing me with Daphne's boyfriends? I'm Frasier this is Niles. All threats and sharp objects should be brandished at him.

NILES

Thank you so much Frasier

MRS. MOON STOPS HITTING FRASIER AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES FOR A MOMENT INSTEAD

MRS. MOON

If I were you I'd get away from my door before I try to squeeze your testicles into my lemon zester. And I'll do it as well. If you don't believe me ask my husband.

NILES

Mrs. Moon honestly I didn't do anything wrong. It was just an accident when...

MRS. MOON

An accident? Oh I see you tripped over a lump in the rug and on the way crashing to the ground you accidentally had sexual intercourse with one of her friends.

FRASIER

It was just one of those freak occurrences. Scientists are studying it.

NILES

No that's not right. It's a long story. Is she here?

MRS. MOON

No she's not.

NILES

Where is she?

MRS. MOON

I'm not going to tell you. You stand more chance of laying an egg then finding that out.

SIMON ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR

SIMON

Has he gone yet? Oh hello Blinky, Frasier.

FRASIER

Simon.

NIGEL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR AND STANDS WITH SIMON

NIGEL

What's going on? More bleedin' Jehovah's Witnesses? I'll get the pepper spray.

SIMON

It's Daphne's old man, Blinky.

NIGEL

Hey Peter get here, the American's are here.

SIMON

Blimey are we at war again. Have you brought us some bacon and a chocolate bar? I won't have to sleep with you will I?

MRS. MOON

She's done nothing but cry her heart out over you. Typical bloody yanks turn up to help out when the hard part's been done and take all the bleedin' credit.

MRS. ETCHELLS ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND LEANS OVER THE WALL

MRS. ETCHELLS

Would you mind keeping the noise down? Some of us are trying to have a civilised afternoon.

MRS. MOON

Are you saying my family isn't civilised?

MRS. ETCHELLS

Yes. And I don't think there's a person down this street who wouldn't agree with me. Except the Vicar but you can't call him a pillar of the community since it was discovered that his coffee mornings are actually a cover for his key parties.

SIMON

Doesn't he invite you?

MRS. ETCHELLS

Not once...I mean why would I want to go to such a thing?

MRS. MOON

At least my kids don't crap on the lawn.

MRS. ETCHELLS

Charlotte has an extremely loose bowel. When nature calls she just has to go. Be that on the front lawn or on the steps of Parliament when we took that tour of London. She felt so guilty when we saw on the news that poor Tony Blair had slipped on it and broken his collarbone.

MRS. MOON

Then would you get her to stop doing it on my front step?

MRS. ETCHELLS

I'll have you know that's the cat. And I'm not about to start making him wear a nappy. I'll stop him as soon as you get your apish sons to stop urinating out of the upstairs windows into our car.

SIMON

That's the price you pay for having a convertible I'm afraid.

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO NILES) Meet the future in-laws Niles. At least we could run away and hide from them when she was marrying Donny.

NIGEL

It's not even a proper convertible. You've taken a Skoda and cut the roof off.

ALAN ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND STANDS WITH MRS. ETCHELLS

ALAN

Would you mind not shouting at my mother. I don't need assault added to my Police record.

NIGEL

What to go with your other mister meaner of shagging a squirrel? I hope you bought it dinner and a movie.

MRS. MOON

I would mind actually. She should keep her nose out of other people's business.

SIMON

I'll handle this Mom. Listen why don't you just go back inside to your double bagger. She must be waiting for you.

ALAN

My what?

SIMON

You're girlfriend, your double bagger. She's so ugly, you have to wear a bag on your head in case her's rips.

ALAN

Why you!

ALAN SWINGS AND GOES TO HIT SIMON BUT HE DUCKS AND ALAN UNFORTUNATELY PUNCHES NILES INSTEAD SENDING HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE GRASS

MRS. ETCHELLS

Now look what you've done. Alan get inside.

MRS. ETCHELLS SLAPS ALAN'S HEAD AS THEY EXIT BACK INSIDE

SIMON

Bye bye lady boy.

MRS. MOON

(SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE) And wash your bleedin net curtains you dirty cow. You lower the whole tone of the bloody neighbourhood.

SIMON, NIGEL AND MRS. MOON EXIT INDOORS LEAVING NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE WALL

FRASIER

Well Niles you seem fine here so I'll just go back to the hotel and get some sleep. Damn this jet lag.

FRASIER EXITS DOWN THE STREET AS NILES REMAINS ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO REGAIN HIS COMPOSURE. JUST AS HE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STARTS TO BRUSH HIMSELF DOWN A WOMEN WALKS PAST THE END OF THE STREET AND SLAPS HIM

WOMEN

How could you? Daphne's such a nice girl.

AS NILES STANDS THERE SHELL SHOCKED WE:

FADE OUT

(E)

FADE IN:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Mrs. Moon, Niles, Simon, Nigel, Frasier, Mrs. Etchells, Mr. Moon, Giggsey)

SIMON AND NIGEL SIT ON THE COUCH ON THE BACK WALL WITH THEIR FEET UP ON THE TABLE WATCHING THE TELEVISION. TO THE RIGHT IS THE FRONT DOOR, TO THE LEFT IS THE STAIRS, DOORWAY LEADING TO THE KITCHEN AND A SET OF TABLE AND CHAIRS. NILES SITS ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS HEAD HELD BACK WITH A STEAK COVERING HIS EYE. MRS. MOON STANDS WITH HIM POKING THE STEAK

MRS. MOON

Let's have a look at your eye. (SHOUTS) Oh my God!

NILES

(PANICS) What is it? Do I need to call a plastic surgeon?

MRS. MOON

I paid a fortune for these steaks and look at the fat on this one. It looks as if it has cellulite. Look at that.

NILES

I've been examining it very closely thank you. This portion of the cow is extremely pretty to look at, especially when it's separated from the cow, dripping with blood and pressed up against my face.

MRS. MOON SLAPS THE STEAK BACK ONTO NILES' FACE RATHER VIOLENTLY WHICH MAKES HIM FLINCH AND WINCE AT THE PAIN

MRS. MOON

Ingrate. Daphne was right about you being a fussy bleeder.

NILES

(CONCERNED) How bad is it?

MRS. MOON

You'll live. Pity. Although I have a feeling your eyes are going to be a little lopsided from now on.

SIMON

Is tea ready Mom? I'm starving.

NILES

How do you eat tea? Don't you drink it?

SIMON

Come on Blinky. Tea as in dinner. Don't you speak English?

NILES

Apparently not. I've never heard Daphne call it that.

MRS. MOON

No it's not ready.

SIMON

Why?

POINTING AT NILES

MRS. MOON

Because your tea is on his face. And that grill's not big enough to shove a human head into. Although I'm willing to give it a go if he don't mind. I'll cook it for you after he's finished with it if you still want it.

NIGEL

Thanks a lot Blinky. We're going to waste away here.

NILES

It's Niles not Blinky.

NIGEL

So what are we eating?

MRS. MOON

One of you will have to go down the chippy. He got his license back yesterday. They only found one rat in the fat fryer and that's not enough to shut him down permanently. But there was some concern over his pink eye.

NILES

Mrs. Moon I hate to impose. I've already ruined your meal plans and caused a rift between you and your neighbours so can you please just tell me where she is so I can get out of your way?

MRS. MOON

No. After what you've done you're lucky I've been so nice.

NILES

So far you've soaked me in water, beat me with a broom and got your neighbour to punch me. I don't think I've ever been quite so lucky in my life.

MRS. MOON

And you think that's bad? I've got a splinter in my finger from that broom thanks to you. If I die from it she'll never speak to you again not that she's likely to anyway.

NILES

Then I apologise. Is there anyway that you'll tell me?

MRS. MOON

Buy me a house on Maui and maybe we'll talk.

NILES

Mrs. Moon I can't stretch to that.

MRS. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

SIMON

You obviously don't want her back very desperately then do you Blinky?

SIMON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY NIGEL WHO BOTH GLARE AT NILES AS THEY GO

NILES

I just want a chance to explain. Will anyone listen to me?

GIGGSEY, A RATHER LARGE LABRADOR THEN COMES RUNNING IN FROM OUTSIDE AND NOTICING NILES JUMPS UP ONTO HIS LAP. NILES IS IMMEDIATELY RATHER REPULSED BY THE DOG AND PULLS HIS FACE AS FAR AWAY FROM HIS AS POSSIBLE

NILES (CONT'D)

Anyone else? Preferably someone whose breath doesn't smell as if they've spent the afternoon... pleasuring themselves.

GIGGSEY THEN STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF UP NILES AND HE BATTLES IN VAIN TO GET HIM OFF HIS LAP

NILES (CONT'D)

Good boy get down. Get down. Oh all right fine. I have to have this suit dry cleaned anyway after being forced to sit in coach for nearly twenty-four hours. God knows what kind of germs I picked up from there.

NIGEL

(OFF STAGE) Don't let him rub up you.

NILES

Why? Does he have fleas?

SIMON

(OFF STAGE) Not at the moment. But he does have a bad case of worms.

NILES THEN TRIES DESPERATELY TO PUSH THE DOG OFF HIS LAP. THIS ONLY GETS HIM TO NOTICE THE STEAK THAT NILES IS STILL BALANCING OVER HIS EYE. AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS IN WHICH HE CAN'T QUITE REACH IT, THE DOG EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO GRAB THE STEAK AND JUMPS OFF NILES' LAP AND STARTS TO CHEW IT ON THE FLOOR.

NILES

Fine have it. Do you ever wonder why you have worms?

SIMON

(OFF STAGE) Can't we still have these steaks? Just give the one Blinky has on his face to Dad.

MRS. MOON

(OFF STAGE) I can't do that. He'll be able to tell.

NIGEL

(OFF STAGE) He couldn't tell when we gave him Giggsey's dog food for his tea on April Fool's Day. He had seconds and thirds that night.

MRS. MOON

(OFF STAGE) Oh all right. But don't tell him.

NILES HEARING THIS SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET THE STEAK OFF GIGGSEY. NILES TRIES TO PULL IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH BUT HE WON'T LET GO. HE PULLS SO HARD THAT THE DOG IS NEARLY LIFTED OFF THE GROUND. EVENTUALLY GIGGSEY LETS GO AND THE FORCE MAKES THE STEAK FLY BACK AND SLAP NILES IN THE FACE. NILES THEN RECOVERS HIS COMPOSURE AND SITS BACK DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE STEAK BACK OVER HIS EYE. BEFORE THE STEAK MAKES CONTACT WITH HIS FACE HE NOTICES THE AMOUNT OF DOG DROOL ON IT. HE QUICKLY TAKES HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND WIPES THE STEAK DOWN WITH IT BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK ON HIS FACE.

SFX: PHONE RINGING

MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE PHONE

MRS. MOON

(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh yes, just a second. (TO NILES) You're brothers on the blower for you.

NILES

Excuse me?

NIGEL

(OFF STAGE) He's on the phone.

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES GETS UP, TAKES THE STEAK OFF HIS FACE AND PICKS UP THE PHONE

NILES

Oh right. Hello Frasier?

FRASIER (V.O.)

Hi Niles how's it's going?

NILES

Apart from a dog trying to eat a steak off my face, being constantly called Blinky and every person in this house refusing to tell me where she is, just fine.

FRASIER (V.O.)

Maybe it's time that you changed tactics.

NILES

I would Frasier but they wouldn't let me bring my cattle prod into the country.

FRASIER (V.O.)

I'm sure we could get you one but for the sake of it let's call that plan B. Niles just try to spend some time with them. Pretty soon they'll realise what a nice person you are, let you explain and tell you where she is.

SIMON AND NIGEL RE-ENTER AND SIT BACK ON THE COUCH

NILES

Do you think so?

FRASIER (V.O.)

At the moment I do but I have just had a glass of brandy and a couple of sleeping tablets.

NILES

Thank you Frasier you're always a help.

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE AND THEN WONDERS OVER TO SIMON AND NIGEL, PLAYFULLY PUNCHING THEM ON THE ARM TO BECOME ONE OF THE BOYS

NILES (CONT'D)

So guys, mates, pals. Are you going to a game this weekend?

SIMON

Nope the seasons finished.

NILES

Manchester City right?

NIGEL

(DISGUSTED) Wash your mouth out with soap. We're United boys we are. The one and only team in Manchester I'll have you know. Champions

SIMON/NIGEL

(SINGING LOUDLY) United, United, United, United.

SFX: POUNDING ON THE WALL FROM THE NEIGHBOURS

MRS. ETCHELLS (V.O)

(OFF STAGE) Keep that bloody noise down you bunch of animals.

MRS. MOON ENTERS WITH A BROOM AND STARTS TO HIT THE WALL WITH IT

MRS. MOON (V.O)

(SHOUTS) Oh shut it. Do we complain when you're humping the milkman up the wall and making our plates fall down off the shelf?

MR. ETCHELLS

(OFF STAGE, SHOUTS) What?

NIGEL AND SIMON START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AS NILES LOOKS SHELL SHOCKED ONCE AGAIN

SIMON

Nice one Mom.

MRS. MOON SLAPS BOTH SIMON AND NIGEL AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD

MRS. MOON

Get your feet off the table.

THEY BOTH REMOVE THEIR FEET FROM THE TABLE AND RUB THEIR HEADS AS MR. MOON ENTERS FROM DOWN THE STAIRS BUT REMAINS BY THE DOORWAY UNSEEN BY NILES

NILES

(BEGINNING TO GET DESPERATE) Mrs. Moon will you please just let me explain?

MRS. MOON

Go on then I could use a good laugh.

MRS. MOON THEN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH TO LISTEN

NILES

This is all very unfortunate. I've been planning to propose for several weeks to Daphne but I kept backing out. When I was finally about to do it Roz swallowed the engagement ring.

SIMON

We hear that wasn't the only thing.

NILES

It was just a misunderstanding. I was only spending time with Roz to get the ring back. It was a case of crossed lines of communications. Do you believe me?

MRS. MOON, SIMON AND NIGEL SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT THINKING. THEY THEN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE STARING BACK AT NILES AND BURSTING OUT LAUGHING

MRS. MOON

You've had nearly a week. Surely you could have thought of something better then that.

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN

NILES

But it's true. Why won't anyone believe me?

SIMON

Because it's stupid.

NIGEL

And look who's talking.

MR. MOON FINALLY ENTERS THE ROOM AND WALKS UP BEHIND NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP WHEN HE FIRST SPEAKS

MR. MOON

Hello, and who's this? Oh wait Niles isn't it?

NILES

Yes that's right.

MR. MOON

That's funny, the way Daphne described you when she came back I expected you to have much smaller hands and feet.

MR. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN

SIMON

He likes you.

NILES

Oh joy. Well thank you for you hospitality Mrs. Moon, but the jet lag is really beginning to catch up on me.

MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE STEAK OFF THE TABLE

MRS. MOON

I see, you ruin me steak and then sod off. Go on then.

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR

SIMON

Hey Blinky.

NILES

Just out of curiosity why do you call me Blinky?

SIMON

You just look like a Blinky.

NILES

Well may I advise in the event of ever having children you let your wife name them?

SIMON

Do you want to come out to the boozer with the boys tomorrow?

NILES

If I do will it help me find out where Daphne is?

NIGEL

Maybe.

NILES

Then the first round is on me.

SIMON

I've got news for you. If you want to know where she is all rounds are on you. And bring Roz.

AS NILES EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO

(F)

FADE IN:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Mr. Moon, Daphne)

MR. MOON SITS ON THE COUCH TALKING ON THE PHONE RATHER QUIETLY SO THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE HEARS

MR. MOON

Hello love.

RESET TO:

INT. RESTAURANT — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE SITS ON HER OWN IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE

DAPHNE

Hi Dad.

MR. MOON (V.O.)

I'll cut right to the chase Niles has been here today.

DAPHNE

What did he want?

MR. MOON (V.O.)

What do you think he wanted?

DAPHNE

Castrating?

RESET TO:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MR. MOON

Honey I think you should speak to him. At least hear him out.

DAPHNE (V.O.)

I don't know if I can. He doesn't know where I am does he?

MR. MOON

Not at the moment, but it won't be long. Will you just think about coming to see him first?

RESET TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE

I don't know.

MR. MOON (V.O.)

He's doing some major sucking up to your mother and brothers, I think it's worth it. He loves you.

DAPHNE

I'll think about it.

AS DAPHNE BIDS HER FATHER GOOD BYE WE:

FADE OUT

(G)

FADE IN:

INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Bartender, Simon, Nigel, Peter, Mr. Moon, Billy, Michael, Lisa, Reginald)

SIMON, NIGEL, PETER, BILLY, MICHAEL, REGINALD AND MR. MOON FORM PART OF A LARGER GROUP OF PEOPLE TO THE FAR RIGHT OF THE PUB NEXT TO A DART BOARD. THE BAR STRETCHES ACROSS THE MAJORITY OF THE BACK WALL, WITH THE ENTRANCE AND THE BATHROOMS ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. A BARTENDER SERVES SEVERAL CUSTOMERS IN THE ALREADY FULL PUB AS NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER. AS YOU WOULD EXPECT FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AT THEIR SURROUNDINGS

NILES

Oh dear God. They really want to torture me for this. I don't think you're allowed in here without at least one felony conviction.

MARTIN

Just be nice. It's the only way you'll find out where she is.

FRASIER

Why are the floors sticky?

NILES

I don't know I don't want to know. Just be careful you don't fall down. You may stick to it permanently. And I should hate to have to leave you here, but if I have to I will.

ROZ

Oh my God there's Simon. Hide me.

FRASIER

Where exactly? I didn't put my clown trousers with the giant pockets on today.

ROZ

God do I have to think of everything? I wonder how you manage to put your pants on yourself without having a seizure.

ROZ STANDS BEHIND FRASIER AND PULLS HIS COAT OVER HER HEAD

FRASIER

And how do I explain exactly that I've developed a hump in the last twenty-four hours since he's seen me?

ROZ

Trust me he's not that observant.

NILES

Just tell them we had to fly coach. That explains everything. I'm surprised that experience hasn't made us start to groom each other and drink from aluminium cans.

FRASIER

Roz will you get out of there. I have no desire to become a pantomime horse.

ROZ PULLS HIS COAT OFF HER HEAD BUT STILL HIDES BEHIND HIM

MARTIN

Are you going to be alright on your own?

NILES

I'll be fine I just have to jump through their hoops. Buy them plenty of drinks and hope they let it slip.

ROZ

And pick on the weak ones, to get information. If you have any trouble send one of them over here and I'll squeeze it out of them. I haven't filed my nails for a while.

NILES

I see all those years at Nazi training camp have really paid off for you Roz. Wish me luck.

AS NILES JOINS THE MOON'S, MARTIN, FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE TOWARDS THE BAR

MARTIN

Can I have a beer please?

BARTENDER

Any particular kind?

MARTIN

Is there any chance you have ballantine?

FRASIER

(SOTTO TO THE BARTENDER) Just say yes and give him anything.

THE CAMERA NOW FOCUSES ON NILES AND THE MOON'S

NILES

Hello all.

SIMON

Blinky! Everyone this is Daphne's ex.

NILES

Ex?

NIGEL

You did shag her mate, mate. Or have you forgotten?

PETER

Let's get him a drink. What do you want?

NILES

Just a sherry thank you.

EVERYONE STOPS AND STARES AT HIM

NILES (CONT'D)

I mean a pint of whatever you're drinking. Which looks like a glass of foamy tar. How nice.

PETER

It's called Guinness.

BARTENDER

What's with the American invasion tonight? Since when's Manchester been a tourist location?

MR. MOON

I didn't think we had any tourist attractions apart from where that IRA bomb went off.

BILLY

This is Daphne's fella and his family from Seattle.

BARTENDER

I didn't know our Daph was seeing anyone since she dumped her fiancé. I'm not surprised though she's obviously been wearing that new type of underwear.

NILES

Excuse me?

BARTENDER

You know that new line in women's underwear. One yank and they're off.

NILES

That's very amusing.

THE CAMERA NOW ANGLES ON FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ WHO ARE SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PUB WATCHING

ROZ

It's like watching a lamb go to slaughter. Lucky us we have front row seats. Do you think they'll stop the action for toilet breaks?

FRASIER

I just feel as if I should help him some how. Surely there's someone we can talk to.

MARTIN

There's nothing we can do. If they won't tell him they're not going to tell us. All he's got to do is have a few drinks with the boys and one of them will let it slip.

ROZ

Oh my God. It's the room service guy from our hotel. How's my hair? Like I've been dragged through a bush?

FRASIER

It looks fine. Although I'd suggest you check your teeth.

ROZ

Why?

FRASIER

Because in England they have teeth checks instead of coat checks. Why do you think? You have half a donut sticking out between them.

AS ROZ COVERS HER MOUTH AND RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE BATHROOM THE CAMERA ANGLES BACK ON NILES AND THE MOON'S. MICHAEL PASSES NILES A BOWL OF PEANUTS

MICHAEL

How about a bit of a Manchester delicacy?

NILES

Sure I'd love to. Well these are just peanuts.

NIGEL

But these are different they're specially prepared here. They even have a unique brand name.

NILES

What's that?

NILES STARTS TO EAT A HAND FULL OF THE PEANUTS

MICHAEL

Well we had them analysed and so now we call them twenty-seven different varieties of urine. Do you think it'll catch on?

NILES SPITS THE PEANUTS BACK OUT ACROSS THE ROOM

MR. MOON

Hey come on leave the boy alone.

SIMON

Why don't you bring the boys over here? They shouldn't be sitting on their own. Hey Frasier, Marty come and join us.

FRASIER AND MARTIN NOW JOIN THE REST OF THE GROUP

FRASIER

OK, thank you. Can I get anyone a drink?

SIMON

(SOTTO TO BILLY) I told you it was a good idea to invite them here. We're going to get tattered and we don't have to spend a penny. I'm going to wake up in the morning, drunk in a ditch and have no idea how I got there.

NILES

No thanks Frasier I've already got one.

PETER

And now you've got two. Drink up, there's another on the way.

PETER THEN HANDS NILES A SECOND PINT AS LISA ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

MR. MOON

Eye'up Reginald, your missus is here.

LISA

Reginald Moon get here, I have a bone to pick with you. I saw you kissing Maggie at the Trafford Centre this morning.

REGINALD

I was not! I was only giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

LISA

You thought she was dead?

REGINALD

No I thought you were dead.

LISA

I don't believe you! I'm leaving.

LISA GETS DISTRACTED WHEN SHE NOTICES NILES

LISA (CONT'D)

Oh hello. (RECOGNISING HIM) Are you Niles?

NILES

Yes.

LISA SLAPS NILES ACROSS THE FACE

NILES (CONT'D)

Thank you.

LISA

You're welcome.

LISA EXITS WITH REGINALD CLOSELY FOLLOWING

NILES

Frasier, Dad this is Daphne's father. Mr. Moon this is my father Martin and my brother Frasier.

MR. MOON

Evening.

ROZ APPROACHES THE GROUP AND SIMON IMMEDIATELY MOVES TOWARDS HER

SIMON

Hello Roz.

ROZ

Before you even think about it, no. I'd rather have sex with a gopher then with you.

SIMON

I've been known to play a round or two of crazy golf.

ROZ

Gopher not golfer.

SIMON

But you slept with Blinky here.

ROZ

I did not I just ate his ring.

SIMON

So that's what they're calling it these days.

NILES

So have you seen Daphne? Is she OK?

PETER

Boy are you whipped.

NILES

Only on Sundays. Come on Peter, do you know anything?

PETER

I did see her. But I can't tell you where she is. Mom will have me tongue trapped in the letterbox if I do.

NILES

Did she say anything about me?

BILLY

Nothing that you'll want to hear mate. It wasn't very flattering.

FRASIER

Where's your room service guy?

ROZ

That's not going to work out.

MARTIN

Don't worry about it. Maybe you're just not his type.

ROZ

Evidently, he's over there making out with the bellboy.

MARTIN

And you drew that conclusion from that?

ROZ

Simon get your hands off my ass!

SIMON

Sorry I thought it was someone else's.

ROZ

Who? I'm the only woman here.

NILES STARTS TO SIP FROM HIS PINT AS NIGEL SLAPS HIS BACK

NIGEL

Come on Blinky knock them back.

NILES OBEDIENTLY TRIES TO DRINK THE ENTIRE GLASS

MR. MOON

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Watch they don't get him too drunk.

FRASIER

Go easy there Niles.

NILES

It's OK Frasier I can hold my liquor.

AS NILES CONTINUES TO DRINK HIS PINT WE:

FADE OUT:

(H)

TITLE CARD: 'DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT'

FADE IN:

INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Simon, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Peter, Nigel, Michael, Billy, Mr. Moon)

NILES STANDS ON THE BAR WITH HIS TIE AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE RAMBO, HIS JACKET TIED AROUND HIS SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE DOWNING ANOTHER PINT ALMOST IN ONE AS THE MAJORITY OF THE BAR INCLUDING ALL THE MOON BOYS CHANTS AND ENCOURAGES HIM. NILES EMPTIES HIS GLASS AND THEN STANDS IT UPSIDE DOWN ON HIS HEAD

NILES

Who's the man? I can drink just like the Moon boys.

SIMON

But can you moon just like the Moon boys?

NILES

Is that a challenge?

THE CAMERA THEN CUTS AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN HIDE THEIR FACES IN SHAME AND ROZ SITS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. AS MARTIN STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD A LOUD CHEER COMES FROM THE REST OF THE BAR AS PRESUMABLY NILES HAS REMOVED HIS PANTS AND WE:

FADE OUT

(I)

TITLE CARD: 'THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO FREUD, ONLY HIS SAID MOTHER'

FADE IN:

INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Niles, Elderly Couple)

NILES LIES FACED DOWN IN BED WITH HIS HEAD AT THE FOOT OF THE BED WEARING JUST HIS SHIRT AND HIS UNDERWEAR. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE FRONT DOOR LEAVING IT OPEN AND HOVER AROUND NILES. FRASIER EVENTUALLY SITS ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AND POKES NILES

FRASIER

Niles, Niles.

ROZ

I think he's dead. He was only going to survive with that stick permanently stuck up his ass for a while anyway without it killing him. Although he certainly let loose last night.

MARTIN

He's not dead. He'd have started to smell already if he was.

FRASIER

Oh he smells all right, like a beer factory. Is he breathing?

MARTIN

That's what his chest going up and down normally signifies.

FRASIER

He might have a cat sleeping on his chest.

MARTIN

And when's the last time that happened?

FRASIER

What that a cat slept on his chest?

ROZ

No that you used your brain. How would a cat get through that window? Do you think it came from the toilet? Sewer cats aren't a major problem in England.

FRASIER

Niles, Niles.

FRASIER PICKS UP NILES' HEAD BEFORE DROPPING IT CAUSING IT TO BOUNCE UP AND DOWN ON THE MATTRESS

NILES

(VERY GROGGY) Ahh. What are you doing here? And why is it so bright in here? Oh my God, my head. Stop blinking you're making too much noise.

FRASIER

Niles there's more light shinning between your ears.

MARTIN

We wanted to know if they told you where she was. You bought them enough beer for them to actually bring her to you on a silver platter.

NILES

If they did I can't remember now. I barely know what my name is and where I am let alone where Daphne is. My mouth tastes like what can only be described as a dead dog.

ROZ

You must have had a good night then. You can always guess that when your mouth tastes like some sort of dead animal.

FRASIER

Unless it tastes of pig because you could conclude that you've just eaten breakfast.

NILES

I don't remember anything from last night after that game of darts when Simon got his head stuck in the legs of that bar stool.

MARTIN

Which one? He did that twice.

ROZ

Only because he was trying to look up my skirt.

MARTIN

Was it the game when you nearly stabbed that guy in the backside with one of the darts?

NILES

I don't remember that. I didn't make a fool of myself did I?

FRASIER

Erm...not while we were there you didn't.

ROZ

And I'm the Queen of England.

MARTIN

Now come on freshen up, we've got to get round there. Her father invited us round for lunch.

NILES ROLLS OVER TO SIT UP, BUT THEN SHOUTS WITH PAIN AND ROLLS BACK OVER AGAIN

NILES

Oh my God, I feel so sore.

ROZ

I'm not surprised you have a sore head; you drank me under the table. I've never been prouder of you.

NILES

I don't mean my head. Although if I move it I'm afraid it may fall off. My backside really hurts. I didn't stab myself with a dart did I?

MARTIN

No but you did try to put your pants on a beer barrel after you fell off the bar.

NILES

I thought you said I didn't do anything stupid. Someone look and see what's wrong.

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ STARE AT NILES AND THEN AT EACH OTHER

NILES (CONT'D)

What are those looks for? I'd do it myself but I'm not possessed by a demon today.

FRASIER

Well go on Dad.

MARTIN

I'm not doing it. I don't want to see that.

FRASIER

But you're his father. You used to change his diapers.

MARTIN

And he's also forty-two now, so I'm going to have to pass. You look, you two are so close.

FRASIER

We're not that close. If we ever get so close that we start checking each other's prostates you have permission to shoot me.

NILES

By the way I don't find any of this the slightest bit insulting.

FRASIER

Go on Roz.

ROZ

There are some things that even I won't do. I'm not even related, this is a job for you two.

NILES

For God's sake someone just look at my ass and tell me whether or not I've had a dart sticking out of it.

MARTIN

No.

FRASIER

Oh you've seen hookers chopped up and scattered around warehouses surely that's more traumatising then looking at Niles' butt.

MARTIN

Do you want to put money on it?

ROZ

Frasier you should do it, you went to medical school.

FRASIER

But I focus on the head not the lower parts of the anatomy. That way I avoid situations like this.

NILES

(SHOUTS) For God's sake someone look at my ass.

AN ELDERLY COUPLE WALK PAST THE DOOR AND SHARE SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS

ROZ

Oh fine I'll do it. Why should I keep my eyesight? I only have a child that I can miss seeing grow up.

ROZ WALKS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED AND LIFTS UP THE SHEET. HER HAND IMMEDIATELY COVERS HER MOUTH AS SHE LAUGHS TO HERSELF

ROZ (CONT'D)

Oh my God.

NILES

(PANICKING) What is it? Is it a dart?

ROZ NOW STARTS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

FRASIER

What are you laughing it?

NILES

Someone sedate her and find out what's going on. I've been stabbed haven't I?

ROZ

Niles you have a tattoo.

NILES

I what?

FRASIER

Let me see.

MARTIN

Let's have a look.

FRASIER AND MARTIN RUN AROUND TO LOOK AND THEN JOIN ROZ IN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT IT

NILES

Oh nice now you can read it you all want a look. Are you sure it's a tattoo? Maybe it's just a cluster of moles.

ROZ

No it's a tattoo. If it was a cluster of moles you'd have had a front page story in the National Enquirer by now.

NILES

Are you sure it's not newspaper print?

ROZ

Positive.

NILES

Maybe it's religious. I could be the second coming.

MARTIN

Not likely.

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS

NILES

How could this have happened? (SUDDENLY REALISING AND LOOKING UP) Oh no. I remember lying down on a bed after we got thrown out of the pub. Oh and a hairy bald man coming towards me with no teeth and a large needle. Why didn't you bring me back to the hotel?

FRASIER

You wanted to stop there.

NILES

What is it?

FRASIER

It's a heart and two names.

NILES

Whose names?

FRASIER

It says Blinky loves Stilts. Are you going to have that printed on the wedding invitations?

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AS NILES GETS UP AND RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM

NILES

(OFF STAGE) Let me see. Oh my God. I can't go to the wine club with a tattoo. Major Peterson was banned after he was caught wearing a t-shirt under his shirt instead of a vest.

ROZ

At least you had a good evening.

AS NILES RE-ENTERS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND RUBBING HIS BACKSIDE WE:

FADE OUT

(J)

TITLE CARD: 'WHO'S IN THE DOG HOUSE? YOU, YOU, YOU'

FADE IN:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4
(Peter, Billy, Nigel, Mrs. Moon, Niles, Michael, Simon, Frasier, Roz, Martin, Mr. Moon, Daphne, Giggsey)

PETER, BILLY, NIGEL, MICHAEL, AND SIMON SIT AROUND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS MRS. MOON POLISHES THE TABLE. SUDDENLY GIGGSEY RUNS IN AND STARTS TO ROLL ON THE CARPET IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION

MRS. MOON

What's the dog got in his mouth? I've told you before if he's got rabies, move the fence so he can get into next doors garden and give it them.

BILLY

Giggsey come here. Oh my God could you be anymore disgusting?

BILLY PULLS SOMETHING FROM OUT OF GIGGSEY'S MOUTH

NIGEL

Not without being Simon.

MRS. MOON

What is it?

BILLY

Something formally a slug.

MRS. MOON

Well pick it up off the floor. I don't want it trampled into the carpet. It's bad enough I sucked that mouse up the vacuum hose when he brought one in, I don't want to have to suck up a slug as well. I still see its tail whizzing around the vacuum cleaner.

BILLY

Where do you suggest I put it?

SFX: DOORBELL

MICHAEL GETS UP AND EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR

MRS. MOON

I don't care anywhere but on the carpet. But don't put it in anyone's bed.

BILLY PUTS IT IN A TEA CUP ON THE TABLE

RESET TO:

EXT. MOON RESIDENCE FRONT GARDEN — CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ

NILES

Where is Simon?

NILES PUSHES PAST MICHAEL AND EXITS INSIDE

MICHAEL

Oh hello Blink it was nice talking to you as well.

RESET TO:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE SITS AS BEFORE AS NILES ENTERS

NILES

(SHOUTS AT SIMON) What the hell did you do to my ass?!

SIMON

Keep your voice down Blink this is how rumours get started.

NILES

How could you?

MICHAEL, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER

SIMON

You were all up for the idea last night. You dragged us in there in the end. You couldn't wait to drop your trousers.

NILES

I was drunk if you couldn't tell.

SIMON

How was I supposed to know that you don't wear your trousers on your head normally? I'm not bleedin' psychic you know that's Daphne.

FRASIER

If only there had been some clue.

SIMON

You should be thanking me. You originally wanted it on your forehead.

NILES

Look, guys, you've soaked me, hit me, beat me, inebriated me, made me completely humiliate myself and now tattooed me and I've only been here two days. Isn't that enough? Please just tell me where she is.

MRS. MOON

Don't you dare.

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH BETWEEN SIMON AND PETER BUT SIMON SLIPS HIS HAND UNDER HER BACKSIDE FIRST AS MRS. MOON EXITS UPSTAIRS

ROZ

Simon move your hand now before I snap it off!

SIMON

Sorry it's just an automatic reflex.

SIMON REMOVES HIS HAND

PETER

I'll tell you what, now that Mom's gone. Since you got the beer in last night, we'll let you know where she is.

NILES

Really?

PETER

Under one condition.

NILES

Which is?

PETER

Eat this slug.

NILES

Excuse me?

PETER

Eat the slug.

ROZ

This trip just keeps getting better and better.

FRASIER

Firstly why do you even have a slug in a teacup?

BILLY

Mom didn't want it left on the carpet.

FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR TO THE RIGHT OF THE COUCH

FRASIER

Why was it on the carpet?

BILLY

Giggsey brought it in.

FRASIER

Who on earth is Giggsey?

GIGGSEY JUMPS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND JUMPS ALL OVER FRASIER

MICHAEL

That would be the dog who is now sitting on your head. I'd keep me mouth shut if I were you Doc. He has a tendency to get a little over excited in company.

NILES

Not to mention he has worms.

RESET TO:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MR. MOON LEANS UP THE KITCHEN COUNTER READING THE NEWSPAPER AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN

Hi there.

MR. MOON

Hello. Does that mean your boy is here as well?

MARTIN

Yeah.

MR. MOON

Good

MARTIN

The boys are trying to make him eat a slug.

MR. MOON

Well boys will be boys.

MARTIN

That's right, except for my boys who will be very big girls.

THEY BOTH LAUGH

MR. MOON

Can I get you a beer.

RESET TO:

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE

NILES

I am not eating a slug.

PETER

Do you want to know where she is or not?

NILES

Of course but...

FRASIER

Will someone get this dog off me!

SIMON

Don't force him, it'll just get his blood up.

ROZ

I see it takes after you then.

BILLY PICKS THE DOG OFF FRASIER AND PUTS HIM ON THE FLOOR

NILES

This is ridiculous.

ROZ

You eat snails.

NILES

Surely even you Roz can see the difference between escargot prepared at a five star restaurant and a slug chewed by a dog from out of the garden.

ROZ

Stop being so picky.

NILES

I am not eating a slug.

NIGEL

How about a frog? I'm sure we could find one of them in the garden.

NILES

No! I'm not eating anything.

FRASIER

It wouldn't hurt Niles. You've eaten frog's legs before.

NILES

Stop encouraging them!

MR. MOON AND MARTIN ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MRS. MOON COMES BACK DOWN THE STAIRS

MR. MOON

(ANGRY) You made him get a tattoo?

BILLY

We did not. He wanted to do it. Yes we tried to get his tongue pierced, but he passed out before we had the chance.

MRS. MOON

Let's have a look.

NILES

I'd rather not.

MARTIN

It's on his butt.

MRS. MOON

Come on let me see.

NILES

No

FRASIER

Niles come on be nice.

NILES

How is flashing everyone in the room being nice?

ROZ

You've soon changed your tune, you wanted everyone to look at it this morning.

PETER

And last night

MICHAEL

That little old lady will be traumatised for life. You even showed the garden gnome in next doors front garden.

ROZ

Oh that's why he has a white cane.

NILES

That's a fishing pole. Blind people don't normally have fish carcases hanging off the end of their canes.

MRS. MOON

Clive would have done it.

NILES

Clive?

MRS. MOON

We were all rather partial to Clive. I really should phone him and tell him Daphne's back.

NILES

Oh fine.

NILES DROPS HIS TROUSERS AROUND HIS ANKLES AND THEN PULLS HIS SHORTS DOWN A LITTLE

MRS. MOON

How romantic.

ROZ

I have to have another look. This is just the funniest thing I've ever seen.

ROZ KNEELS BEHIND NILES AND HAS ANOTHER LOOK

MRS. MOON

Does it hurt?

NILES

Only if you...

MRS. MOON SLAPS IT

NILES (CONT'D)

(WINCING WITH PAIN) Touch it.

ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK AT IT AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

DAPHNE

Hello all. Have you got room for another two for dinner?

DAPHNE SEES NILES AND THE SCENE AND FREEZES

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Niles?

NILES

Oh my God Daphne.

DAPHNE

(UPSET) What are you...?

NILES

Daphne this is not what it looks like.

DAPHNE

Like hell it doesn't.

DAPHNE RUNS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR

NILES

Daphne!

NILES TRIES TO RUN BUT CAN'T BECAUSE HIS TROUSERS ARE STILL AROUND HIS ANKLES, HE BENDS AND TRIES TO PULL THEM UP

FRASIER

Forget your pants just go after her.

NILES PULLS HIS FEET OUT OF HIS TROUSERS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AFTER DAPHNE

MR. MOON

That's done it this time. Bloody typical. I knew I should have invited her to the pub last night.

MARTIN

You got her to come here?

MRS. MOON

What did you do that for?

MR. MOON

I happen to believe the boy, he's a nice enough chap and I want to see my daughter happy.

FRASIER

You could have told us at least. We wouldn't have encouraged him to do something that would only add fuel to the fire.

NILES RE-ENTERS PANTING AND SOAKING WET

ROZ

What happened?

NILES

She's gone. Only a greyhound on speed would have caught up with that car.

FRASIER

Why are you all wet?

NILES

It's raining and I'm not wearing any pants.

MRS. MOON

It's only lightly spitting.

NILES

That doesn't matter when you fall down a pothole and face first into a puddle.

SIMON

You went running down the road like that?

NILES

Yes I did. But on the up side as a result, the vicar has invited me to one of his key parties. I've really blown it this time. There was a man waiting for her in the car.

MR. MOON

Oh don't panic.

MRS. MOON

Don't you dare tell him! I'm warning you, you'll be sleeping with the dog for the next week if you do.

MR. MOON

As opposed to having to sleep with you? What's the difference? She's stopping with Stephen and his wife in Birmingham.

NILES

Where?

MR. MOON

It's about a hundred miles south of here. You go to the bathroom and dry yourself off and I'll copy his address for you.

NILES

Thank you.

NILES EXITS UPSTAIRS AND MRS. MOON GLARES AT MR. MOON

MR. MOON

Oh shut up mother!

NIGEL

Who's going to eat the slug then?

PETER

I will for fifty quid.

FRASIER

I'll take that bet.

AS MRS. MOON SNATCHES THE TEACUP AWAY BEFORE THEY CAN GET THE SLUG WE:

FADE OUT

(K)

FADE IN:

INT. OUTSIDE STEPHEN'S APARTMENT — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Donna)

FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, RINGING THE BELL

FRASIER

I feel guilty for just dumping Roz and Dad at the hotel like that. It was even worse then the last one.

NILES

Well I don't expect they have many tourists here Frasier.

DONNA ANSWERS THE DOOR

NILES (CONT'D)

Hi, is Daphne here?

DONNA

No she's not. Are you Niles?

NILES

Yes I am. Please don't hit me.

DONNA

Fortunately I'm not like my mother-in-law in the slightest. Although you do realise Daphne is likely to end up like her.

NILES

I'm willing to take that chance.

FRASIER

I'm not. She's definitely got to move in with you before she reaches that stage.

NILES

Will you tell me where she is?

DONNA

Normally no, but Stephen's dad has been on the phone and explained and told me to tell you.

FRASIER

Finally a lucky break.

DONNA

The babysitter fell through so Daphne went instead with Stephen to the classical concert at Cannon Hill Park.

NILES

Where?

DONNA

I'll call you a taxi, they'll take you straight there.

NILES

I could kiss you but that's sort of how I got into this trouble.

AS THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE WE:

FADE OUT

(L)

TITLE CARD: 'SURE, HE'S ALLOWED TO BRING MACE INTO THE COUNTRY BUT NOT A CATTLE PROD'

FADE IN:

EXT. CANNON HILL PARK — NIGHT — DAY/4
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Stephen, Man)

A LARGE AREA OF GRASS BEFORE US HAS A STAGE TO THE VERY FAR LEFT IN THE DISTANCE, ON WHICH AN ORCHESTRA PLAYS. SCATTERED ABOUT THE GRASS ARE SEVERAL BEER TENTS AND BURGER VANS. PEOPLE SIT SCATTERED ALL OVER THE GRASS WITH BLANKETS AND PICNICS LISTENING TO THE MUSIC. UNDERNEATH ONE TREE TO THE LEFT DAPHNE AND STEPHEN SIT LISTENING TO THE MUSIC AND DRINKING BEER AS NILES AND FRASIER WALK AROUND ON THEIR RIGHT SCANNING ALL THE FACES

NILES

How are we ever going to find her here? I'll need to clone myself to stand any sort of chance.

FRASIER

See if you can get them to make an announcement for her to meet you.

NILES

And the moment she knows I'm here she'll run a mile.

FRASIER

Then say it's her mother and Grammy Moon's had a stroke or something, she'll come running then.

NILES

And that's an ideal way to get into her good books by telling her that her Grandmother is at deaths door. Why don't I just run over her father as well, that should help my cause.

DAPHNE

Oh my God.

STEPHEN

What? I told you from this distance it might look as if they are impaling the violinists with the trumpets but it's just the angle we're sitting at.

DAPHNE

No, it's Niles and Dr. Crane.

STEPHEN

On stage?

DAPHNE

No you ding bat over there.

STEPHEN

Then what are you going to do?

DAPHNE

Run like hell.

STEPHEN

Good choice. That's the grown up thing to do. Well done.

DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO RUN OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS STEPHEN GIVES HER THE THUMBS UP

NILES

There she is. What's she doing?

FRASIER

My guess would be she's seen you since she's running at full speed in the opposite direction.

NILES STARTS TO RUN AFTER HER

NILES

Daphne! Daphne wait!

FRASIER WALKS OVER TO STEPHEN WHO STANDS TO GREET HIM AND SHAKE HANDS

STEPHEN

Dr. Crane I presume.

FRASIER

Stephen, nice to see you again.

STEPHEN

We've met before?

FRASIER

Sure, at the wedding that never was.

STEPHEN

I was drunk during most of that, my parents were there. Fancy a beer? I have a feeling this will last a while.

FRASIER

I don't mind if I do.

NILES STILL CHASES AFTER DAPHNE

NILES

Daphne will you wait up. I just want to talk to you.

DAPHNE STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE HIM

DAPHNE

You've got nothing to say that I want to hear. Well apart from what the hell happened to your face?

NILES

Your neighbour punched me. The neighbours with the dirty net curtains.

DAPHNE

Oh and that's shortening the list down. Why didn't you say the ones with the English accent? I'd back away from me if I were you before I do the same and I bet I can hit harder.

NILES

Daphne please just let me explain.

DAPHNE

I've thought to myself that if you came here, I might be able to forgive you. It would show that you really cared about me and you were really sorry. But now that you are, and after this morning I don't think I can.

NILES

Daphne trust me, this is not how it appears.

DAPHNE

How I wish I could believe that. I loved you so much.

NILES

Daphne please just listen, don't make me mace you.

DAPHNE

I'm not interested Niles. I still can't even look at you.

DAPHNE TURNS AWAY FROM HIM

NILES

Fine then don't but please hear me out. I haven't been having an affair with Roz.

DAPHNE

You certainly gave a good impression of it.

NILES

Granted it may have looked a tad incriminating but that's not what I was confessing to. Daphne I bought you an engagement ring. I was going to propose to you. I wanted to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. But Roz ate the ring. I was spending so much time with her because I was waiting to get it back. I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The doctors wouldn't do anything, they told us to just wait for nature to take its course. So I tried to give her some laxatives but Dad and Eddie accidentally had it instead. Daphne, please turn around. Give me some sign please that you believe me. Anything. I love you can you ever forgive me? (A LONG PAUSE) I guess not. But that's a pity because I would have rocked your world.

DAPHNE TURNS TOWARDS HIM

DAPHNE

You already have.

SHE WALKS TO HIM AND KISSES HIM

DAPHNE (CONT'D)

Wait rock my world? Where the hell did that come from?

NILES

I have spent the last few days in the company of your brothers. Do you forgive me? I have the ex-ray of the ring if you're at all uncertain that I'm telling the truth.

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN

NILES (CONT'D)

I guess that's a no then. Well so long at least you considered the question.

DAPHNE

I should be asking for your forgiveness. How could I ever think you would do such a thing? I should have known Roz would eat you alive if you so much as laid a finger on her. I didn't think she'd eat a ring though. How on earth did she manage to eat it anyway?

NILES

I put it on top of some whipped cream.

DAPHNE

Why would you do that?

NILES

I was trying to be romantic.

DAPHNE

Oh very romantic, not many people would force the woman they love out of the country in a flood of tears as an engagement present.

NILES

Will you come home please? I can't bare to be apart from you.

DAPHNE

Of course I will. I love you, you pratt. Do you honestly think I want to stay in the same country as my family? Haven't the last few days made you realise why I moved half way around the world from them in the first place?

NILES

Oh thank God. I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. They've done nothing but torture me since I got here, they've hit me, inebriated me...

DAPHNE

Oh that's not too bad, it's not as if they made you get a tattoo. I can't help but recall you saying something about a ring and a proposal. What was that? I can't remember. Refresh my memory.

NILES

OK now I'm terrified again.

DAPHNE

What about?

NILES

That you'll say no.

DAPHNE

If I wasn't going to say yes, I wouldn't have brought it up. I'd be running in that direction knocking over all old ladies in my path as I go. Doing the grown up thing as Stephen would put it.

NILES

Oh my God.

NILES IMMEDIATELY WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND HUGS HER UNTIL SHE PUSHES HIM OFF

DAPHNE

Wait a second, you're not getting away with it like that. That's far too easy. You still have to ask.

NILES

I knew that.

DAPHNE

I just wish I had somewhere to freshen up first.

NILES

There's no need you look beautiful.

DAPHNE

Oh yeah real beautiful, I've been crying, I bet my makeup's running everywhere.

NILES

Admittedly yes you do have a certain racoonesque quality...

DAPHNE

Oh that's nice.

NILES

But I really like racoons.

DAPHNE

Since when?

NILES

Since it became important for me to like them.

DAPHNE

Anyway I think we're drifting from the point.

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND NOTICES THE MUD ON THE GRASS

NILES

Do you have a handkerchief?

DAPHNE

Not on me.

NILES WALKS OVER TO A COUPLE SETTING OUT A BLANKET ON THE GRASS

NILES

Excuse me. Can I borrow this for just a second? Thanks.

NILES PICKS UP THE BLANKET, PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND THEN KNEELS ON IT

NILES (CONT'D)

I've been planning it for so long, I don't know what to say now that I finally have the chance. Daphne you've brought a joy to my life over the past eight years that I never knew was possible. I'm so in love with you it's been pure torture spending this time without you. I don't ever want to be apart from you ever again.

DAPHNE

Will you just get a move on and say it already?

NILES

Will you make me the happiest man alive? Will you marry me?

DAPHNE

This is all so sudden. I don't know.

NILES

(WORRIED) What? But you said...

DAPHNE

Of course I will you silly sod. Yes, yes. I love you, yes.

SHE KISSES HIM

NILES

Thank God. That was easier then I thought. And I managed to do it without passing out. I'd give you the ring but I think it'll be best if I boil it first.

A MAN WALKS PAST THEM AND OVER HEARS THEIR CONVERSATION

DAPHNE

Can I at least see it and touch it?

NILES

I'd put a rubber glove on first if I were you.

MAN

Bloody perverts.

AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND DAPHNE AND NILES HUG WE:

FADE OUT

(M)

FADE IN:

EXT. SWAN HOTEL ON BROAD STREET — NIGHT — DAY/4
(Daphne)

ALL THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED OUT IN THE HOTEL. SUDDENLY ONE OF THE LIGHTS SWITCHES ON

DAPHNE

(OFF STAGE) Niles who's Blinky? And why does he love me on your backside?

AS THE LIGHT GOES BACK OUT AGAIN WE:

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BACK IN THE FRASIER'S KITCHEN WITH A LARGE POT BOILING SOME WATER ON THE STOVE. NILES PUTS SOME SAFETY GOGGLES ON AND THEN REMOVES THE RING FROM THE POT WITH A SET ON TONGS. THEY BOTH EXAMINE THE RING BEFORE DROPPING IT BACK IN THE POT