I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
This season follows my alternate season eight, so if it doesn't make any sense you've either just had a lobotomy or you haven't read episode twenty-four of season eight, in which case I would recommend you do so or the monkey gets it.
May I take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent me feedback on my season eight finale — WARNING! I'M ABOUT TO NAME NAMES SO PLEASE NO ONE HAVE A CORONARY THIS TIME — Marissa (the one person who has pestered me blind over the last few months), Crofty (who gives me more support and encouragement then I really deserve), Charlotte, Misti, Sydney, Dani, Becky, Joy, Megan, Laura, Casey, Jodie, Beryl, Gillian, Olli, Norah, Kate and Stephanie.
Feedback is as always appreciated and may
stop the aliens from giving me an anal probe, so please send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com
Alternative Season Nine Episode One
The American's Are Coming! The American's Are Coming!
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)
ACT ONE(A)
FADE IN:
INT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE LOUNGE — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin, Attendant)
FRASIER, NILES, ROZ AND MARTIN SIT IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE BY THE GATE WAITING TO BOARD THE AEROPLANE. TO THE RIGHT, AN ATTENDANT MANS THE DESK BY THE DEPARTURE GATE AS NILES FIDGETS IN HIS SEAT AND SEVERAL OTHER PASSENGERS MILL AROUND
FRASIER
Niles will you stop fidgeting. You're acting like you're wearing wool underwear. And you can't be that depressed that you're actually wearing the pair Nanna knitted you in the forth grade, your voice would be a lot higher to start with and you'd probably be covered in a nasty rash.
NILES
Hence the reason why I'd be fidgeting. Not to mention I'd have an extremely visible underwear line and that doesn't really go with an Armani suit. Well not with this Armani suit at least. It may look better with a double-breasted jacket.
ROZ
You mean a visible panty line you underwear illiterate doily.
NILES
But surprisingly enough I'm not wearing panties.
FRASIER
Thank God. There's an image I can do without.
ROZ
Oh come on, you've never once tried on some of Daphne's underwear? You've never gone to the Opera in a pair? You must have some sort of bizarre fetish like that. Stuffed shirts always do. I once dated an accountant who liked to rub meat paste on the bald spot on his head before we had sex. The smell put the romance right out of the relationship for me.
NILES GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND STARTS TO PACE ABOUT THE ROOM
NILES
We haven't reached the cross dressing stage of our relationship yet Roz. Give it a couple of months and I won't leave the house without wearing one of her pleated skirts or summer dresses.
MARTIN
That makes me feel so proud. Who doesn't want to see their son wearing high heels and a teddy?
FRASIER
Well me for one I don't think Lilith will be too keen either.
NILES
But back to the original question, no Frasier I'm not wearing wool underwear.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN
ROZ
I remember my Grandmother once tried to knit me a wool bathing suit for my summer vacation. That was ten years ago when I was about eighteen.
FRASIER'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN
ROZ (CONT'D)
Frasier close your mouth before you catch a fly or maybe even a fist.
MARTIN
Did you wear it?
ROZ
I had to. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. We went on a family vacation to Florida. The crotch stretched so much with the weight of the water that when I was walking out of the sea it looked as if I had a drift net strapped between my legs. I had to keep telling people "It's seaweed honestly, feel it. Do I look French?" I caught more fish in that then my Grandfather did in two weeks fishing with a rod.
NILES GETS BACK UP AND WALKS AROUND
FRASIER
It gives a whole new meaning to the idea of having caught crabs.
ROZ
For God's sake I nearly beached a whale with it.
FRASIER
There's a pretty picture. Roz straddling a large marine mammal.
ROZ
There were a whole bunch of environmentalists on the beach panicking and trying to push it back into the sea.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN AND STARTS TO SQUIRM AROUND IN HIS SEAT TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE TO THE INCREASING ANNOYANCE OF FRASIER AND ROZ
NILES
Are you sure they weren't aiming those comments at you? Did anyone try to hurl you back into the water? Or simply try to clog your blowhole for your own sake?
ROZ
No! Although I did pretend to have passed out from the shock to get a little mouth-to-mouth action with the lifeguard. I soon got up and ran when I saw a huge beer belly running towards me in tight shorts. And running at great speed is hard enough on sand without dragging half the coral reef with you between your legs. I looked like a character off Bay Watch.
FRASIER
Niles will you sit still! If you do this during the flight I will stuff you in the overhead bin. Even if I'm forced to make you swallow your own feet to fit in there I'll still do it. I don't care how much those shoes cost.
NILES
Thank you so much for your support. I feel like Hitler during the Second World War. In fact he had more people on his side.
MARTIN
Well that happens when you're the leader of the Nazi's. People tend to follow you around like sheep.
ROZ
I always thought you were a bit of a homicidal maniac. But I thought it was best to turn a blind eye until it got to the stage when you tuned into a necrophilliac. Then I'd mention it and suggest professional help or at least call into the show. Either way I don't mind.
FRASIER
We're going half way around the world with you Niles. Is that not enough support. We're here to back up your story. Either that or to heavily sedate Daphne and force her to come home.
MARTIN
Hell I even faked a seizure so I could steal the ex-ray of the ring for you. Do you think it's easy to turn blue by holding your breathe without passing out? I nearly had a stoke. I still can't feel my right arm.
FRASIER
That's because you've got your watchstrap done up too tight. How many more times do I have to tell you?
MARTIN
Well I wish you'd have told me sooner. I shut my hand in the car door yesterday. It took me five minutes to realise.
NILES GETS UP AND STARTS TO PACE AGAIN
NILES
I told you that you didn't have to do that Dad. We could just have got Roz to sleep with the doctor. I'm sure he was already on her 'to do' list.
ROZ
That's very amusing.
MARTIN
How much more support do you need?
ROZ
I've got an extra Wonder Bra in my bag if you want that support. They'll also lift and separate.
MARTIN
Why have you got an extra bra in your carry on luggage? Are you planning on catapulting the food at the flight attendants?
NILES
I wasn't aware you could make a hammock out of a bra. But I have news for you. There are no palm trees in Manchester to hang it from.
NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN
ROZ
It's in case I loose the one I'm wearing.
FRASIER
Because we all loose our underwear at thirty thousand feet. Detectives work twenty-four hours a day trying to solve the mystery. I used to put it down to spontaneous underwear combustion due to the high altitude but that theory was proved wrong. It's actually the little underwear gnomes that live in the seat cushions. They build their houses out of it. They crawl up your trousers leg and steal your underwear as fast as a whippet in heat. Make sure your shoelaces are done up as tightly as possible or they'll steal your socks as well to make sleeping blankets out of.
ROZ
Oh my God. How naive are you three? You lead such sheltered lives.
NILES
What does that mean?
FRASIER
Oh I see. (LOUDLY TO NILES) The mile high club.
ROZ
Could you say that a little louder please? I don't think someone in immigration heard you.
FRASIER
Sure. (LOUDER) The mile high club.
MARTIN
Thinking of taking out a membership?
NILES
Membership? Roz is President of that club. Why do you think she has so many frequent flyer miles?
NILES ONCE AGAIN GETS UP AND STARTS PACING BACK AND FORTH
ROZ
Well if your jealous Niles, you could always join it on your own if you're quick and steal a rubber glove from the janitor's trolley over there. Don't bother to tell him I doubt he'll want it back afterwards. (SHOUTS) And will you just sit down! You're up and down more times then a stripper's thong.
NILES SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS SEAT
MARTIN
Is there someone you've got your eye on then Roz?
ROZ
No but when I've got liquored up on those tiny bottles of alcohol, I don't get too fussy.
NILES
Be on your guard Dad you could be next.
FRASIER
How do you even fit two people in one of those toilets anyway? You can barely pick up your trousers without knocking yourself out on the door. I knocked myself out cold once. Heaven only knows what that flight attendant thought when she eventually prized the door open and I fell out drooling with my pants around my ankles.
MARTIN
'Help me I'm blind' immediately springs to mind.
FRASIER
Needless to say Lilith wasn't impressed. Especially when it turned out I had a slight concussion, forgot I was married to Lilith and kept flirting with the women sitting behind me.
ROZ
It's all a matter of physics.
NILES
I see it's just the matter of a simple volume equation.
ROZ
That and just cramming yourself in there as quickly as possible and hope you don't set the smoke alarm off with all the steam. Of course the more turbulence the better, the less he has to do.
FRASIER
Charming.
NILES STARES AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT BEFORE RESTING HIS HEAD ON FRASIER'S SHOULDER
NILES
(WHINING) I miss Daphne.
MARTIN
It won't be long now son.
FRASIER
I can't help but notice Roz, that while the three of us are miserable and anxious to get there and explain you have a smile like a Cheshire cat plastered on your face.
ROZ
Well do you blame me?
NILES
Yes I do blame you. This is after all, all your fault.
ROZ
If you say that once more I'll shove your life jacket down your throat and pull the cord to inflate it. If I feel real nice about it I may let you take an aspirin beforehand in case it gives you a slight sore throat.
FRASIER
Why are you so happy? Have you been taking Prozac again? I thought my prescription pad had gone missing.
ROZ
I'm going on a free holiday. I intend on having a good time.
FRASIER
You do realise that there's every chance you'll run into Simon and his ragging hormones and wondering hands while we're there.
ROZ
Oh I'll run into him all right. If he comes near me I'll run into him with a school bus and not stop until the Police use spikes to burst the tires and tackle me to the ground.
MARTIN
I don't fancy your chances for getting bail then.
ROZ
No problem, I'll just flirt myself out of it.
THE ATTENDANT SWITCHES ON THE MICROPHONE
ATTENDANT
At this time we'd like to start pre boarding. Seating first class passengers only, rows one to seven. Pre boarding only first class passengers at this time.
NILES GETS UP AND PICKS UP HIS BAG
NILES
Ah first class, that's us.
FRASIER
Actually Niles, we're not in first class.
NILES
Why?
FRASIER
Well it was so last minute, I had trouble getting us all on the same flight. I had to take what they had unless you wanted to wait a few more days.
NILES
Well we can still go. By the time we reach the front they'll be calling business class.
FRASIER
We're not in business class.
NILES
Then what class are we in?
FRASIER
Coach.
NILES
Oh I see. In other words we're showing no class. Roz you should feel right at home.
ROZ
I'm already sick of you, you little titmouse and we haven't even boarded the plane yet.
NILES
Then you shouldn't have eaten Daphne's ring.
ROZ STANDS UP AND GRABS A PLUNGER FROM OFF THE JANITOR'S TROLLEY
ROZ
That's it, forget the life jacket I'm just going to use this plunger. Let's see how far down I can push it. Frasier tell me when it starts to rip a hole in his pants.
AS NILES RUNS AWAY FROM ROZ AND SEVERAL PASSENGERS WALK TOWARDS THE GATE WE:
FADE OUT
(B)
TITLE CARD: 'IT'S JUST A PITY THEY DON'T KEEP COWS ON THE RUNWAY'
FADE IN:
INT. COACH SECTION OF THE AEROPLANE — MORNING — DAY/1
(Frasier, Niles, Flight Attendant, Mary, Sue, Martin, Second Flight Attendant,
Roz)
FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ISLE FROM MARTIN AND ROZ. NILES CONTINUES TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT
FRASIER
Will you stop it! You're making me sea sick in the air. And even though they supply us with sick bags I don't particularly want to use one.
NILES
I'm sorry but what do you expect when I'm forced to sit with all the riff raff? We're literally moments away from a drunken brawl.
FRASIER
Tell me about it. I'm surprised we don't have to flap our arms to keep the plane level.
NILES
And I'm just really nervous about seeing her. What if she doesn't believe me? What if I've lost her for good? I might as well just throw myself in front of an ice cream truck to put me out of my misery.
FRASIER
Of course she'll believe you.
A FLIGHT ATTENDANT STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE
NILES
How do you know? Why would anyone believe that story? It's so unbelievable. I'll show you. (TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Excuse me miss. If you suspected your boyfriend of having an affair because he was spending a lot of time with another women and you think he's confessed to it would you take him back?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
No way. I'd castrate him and flush it down the toilet at thirty thousand feet. I'd see how much he'd fool around then.
NILES
But what if the real reason he was spending so much time with this woman was because she ate the engagement ring he was going to give to you and wanted it back? What he was confessing to was that the ring had been eaten, would you believe him?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Are you kidding? I'd beat him around the head and neck with a broken bottle for treating me as such a fool. Eating a ring? That's the most absurd, unbelievable, implausible thing I have ever heard.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS INTO HER STATION AS NILES STARTS TO ROCK BACK AND FORTH AND BREATHE RAPIDLY
NILES
Frasier I'm starting to hyperventilate. I need my oxygen mask or my sick bag or just a really deep pocket.
FRASIER
Now Niles that's just one women's opinion.
MARY STICKS HER HEAD ABOVE NILES' SEAT FROM THE ROW BEHIND
MARY
Excuse me for listening, but if it were me I'd drop him with a dear rifle first and ask questions later.
FRASIER
Yes thank you.
SUE LEANS OVER FROM BEHIND MARTIN'S CHAIR
SUE
No way that'd be too quick. I'd disembowel him with a spoon right there and then on the kitchen table.
MARY
It'd be slower if it involved a ferret and some lubricant.
MARTIN
Now I'm looking forward to my dinner.
FRASIER
Thank you so much for your input ladies but this really doesn't concern you. Although it should probably concern the ferret.
MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS, WITH A SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT, AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES AND POINTS HIM OUT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
This is the guy.
SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT
If it were me, I'd believe him. Until he started to head butt my meat cleaver several times out of guilt.
MARY AND SUE STAND BACK UP TO LISTEN
NILES
But it's true. It happened to me, she did eat the ring. I was only trying to get it back. Don't you believe me?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Of course we believe you. And oh look a tiny fairy just flew out of your ass and belched the alphabet.
ALL FOUR WOMEN THEN START TO SLAP NILES AS THEY SHOW THEIR DISGUST
FRASIER
This has all been most helpful but there's a women over there who needs a kidney transplant that you can terrorise and tell her she won't get. Thank you ladies.
MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS BOTH FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXIT BACK INTO THEIR STATION. FRASIER HANDS NILES A DRINK
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Here Niles drink this.
NILES
No thanks I had an eyedropper of Vodka before I left the house that should last me about a week.
ROZ
This is the only place where you can order a bottle of rum and a coke and actually get it.
NILES
No wonder you're so happy.
MARTIN
Just try and relax Niles. Put your seat back.
NILES
Oh yes because that eighth of an inch recline will make all the difference. It won't make me miss Daphne anymore. Did you notice how the first class passengers wouldn't even make eye contact with us? This isn't right. I don't belong in steerage; I belong on the other side of that curtain. I have a reputation to protect.
FRASIER
Well so do I, I am after all a celebrity.
MARTIN, NILES AND ROZ THEN START TO ROLL ABOUT LAUGHING
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Thank you all so much. Have you remembered the ring?
NILES
No I left it on the kitchen table just for fun. In fact I was hoping that Eddie would eat it. I'm sorry Frasier, yes, here it is.
NILES GETS A PLASTIC BAG OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE WHICH HAS THE RING IN IT, HE THEN GETS A RUBBER GLOVE OUT AND PUTS IT ON
ROZ
Why have you got it in that plastic bag? And the rubber glove? You know when I suggested joining the mile high club on your own Niles I was only joking.
NILES
It's not for that.
MARTIN
Then why have you brought it?
NILES
I'm going to take the pilot's temperature the old fashioned way, why do you think? I'm not touching that with my bare hands. I know where it's been.
ROZ
Hey!
FRASIER
Lucky you, I've seen where it's been.
ROZ
Hey!
NILES
I've brought an extra rubber glove for Daphne to wear under the ring until I've had the chance to boil it in disinfectant. I don't want her to catch anything.
ROZ
You're the one who wouldn't let me run it through the dishwasher.
NILES
I'm considering asking Father Daniel to let me wash it in Holy Water. I don't think he'll mind. Maris once talked him into letting the servants wash the dogs in it. But then again she did threaten him with being extradited. I wonder if that trick will work again.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS AND STARTS TO HAND OUT THE DINNER PLATES
FRASIER
Of course he won't mind Niles. Who wouldn't want to baptise children with water that has essence of Roz's bowel in it. Why doesn't he just skip the middleman and damn the poor souls for all eternity.
ROZ
If you don't all stop it, I'll eat it again.
NILES
You wouldn't dare.
ROZ
Try me.
ROZ LUNGES FORWARD TO GRAB THE RING BUT NILES QUICKLY PUTS IT AWAY
FRASIER
Will you two behave! It's like having a couple of naughty school children.
MARTIN
(TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Thank you. Niles just relax, eat your dinner and then try to go to sleep, then before you know it we'll be there.
NILES
Oh yes dinner.
THEY ALL START TO PROD AND POKE THEIR DINNER
FRASIER
What exactly is this again?
ROZ
I think they said chicken. Although they never mentioned in which life that was.
FRASIER
Well it may be a bird but I'm not sure it's chicken.
NILES
I think the smart money is on pigeon. Check it for a racing tag.
MARTIN
If you think this is bad, you should try eating hospital food. One thing I didn't realise when you filled out those organ donor cards was that the organs go straight to the hospital kitchen. I guess it's their idea of recycling.
NILES
This was hit on the runway.
FRASIER
Don't exaggerate.
NILES
It has a tire mark embedded in it. No car tire is that big.
FRASIER
We should be used to this by now.
ROZ
And when's the last time you ate pigeon?
FRASIER
I was referring to inedible cooking. We have after all been trying to digest Daphne's cooking for the last eight years. After that my stomach lining can take anything you throw at it. I bet I could give Hannibal Lector a run for his money by now.
MARTIN
Just eat it boys.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WALKS PAST AS NILES STOPS HER
NILES
Excuse me. Is it possible to have a meal that didn't fly into one of the engines? I didn't hear anyone yell 'bird strike.'
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
That's very humorous.
NILES
How about something from first class?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Am I going to have trouble with you little man?
NILES
No ma'am.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS BACK INTO THE STATION
NILES (CONT'D)
Why do they act like Hitler just because they have the power to deny us a tiny bag of peanuts?
ROZ
That's one of life's unanswerable questions like what's the meaning of life? Is there life on other planets? Why won't Frasier finally admit that he's virtually bald and buy a wig?
FRASIER
What does that mean?
ROZ
Frasier when the sun catches your forehead the glare can send you blind.
MARTIN
Will you all stop fighting! We're all a little anxious to get this sorted out. We all miss her, but that's no reason to take it out on each other. Now relax and stop abusing one another.
A STEWARD ENTERS FROM FIRST CLASS AND STOPS BY NILES AND SLAPS HIM
STEWARD
You brute!
MARTIN
I can't control outside parties.
AS MARTIN EATS HIS DINNER AND NILES RUBS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE:
FADE OUT
(C)
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin)
FRASIER ENTERS NILES' DARK AND DINGY HOTEL ROOM, AS NILES LIES FLAT ON HIS BED HOLDING HIS STOMACH. THE BED IS ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL NEXT TO A WINDOW, ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE FRONT DOOR AND ON THE BACK WALL THERE IS A BATHROOM DOOR AND AN ADJOINING DOOR
FRASIER
Well my room is fine. Apart from the broken furniture and lingering smell of alcohol and blood. I think the previous occupants had a little party. Probably Daphne's brothers. What's your room like?
NILES
I haven't noticed. All I've done so far is stick my head down the toilet, cling to the rim for dear life and watch that plane processed pigeon vanish out of me and down the bowl. On the upside the cleaning service here seems to be first rate.
FRASIER
Let's let some light in here. It's too much like a morgue.
FRASIER OPENS THE CURTAINS AND IS FACED WITH A BRICK WALL COVERED IN GRAFFITI READING 'MAN CITY RULE' TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW RESULTING IN HARDLY ANY ADDITIONAL LIGHT COMING INTO THE ROOM
FRASIER (CONT'D)
Now that's interesting. They have a guest book that we can sign. At least we know for certain now though that Manchester City Rule. That's one foe par we won't make while we're here.
NILES
Not that I had any doubts. Is that the croquet club do you think?
ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE ADJOINING DOOR, HER HAIR LOOKING EXTREMELY WILD
ROZ
Are you two thirsty? Are you beginning to see mirages of tiny streams surrounded by palm trees? Please say yes.
FRASIER
Not really Roz.
ROZ
Are you sure? You look a little dehydrated. Here let me pinch your hand.
ROZ TRIES TO PINCH FRASIER'S HAND BUT HE BACKS AWAY FIRST
FRASIER
You're not pinching anything. I'm pretty sure. I have been able to tell since I was a very young child if I required fluid or not. It's one of my gifts.
ROZ
Are you hungry? Sometimes I get so hungry I start to hallucinate. I thought a beaver was attacking me once with a giant inflatable hotdog.
FRASIER
Not particularly. And maybe you should see a doctor about that beaver thing or take a day off and call into the show.
ROZ
How about you Niles? I thought I heard thunder but it might be your stomach rumbling. Does my head look like a giant turkey?
NILES
Well yes but that still doesn't make me hungry. I don't really want to look at food right now or possibly ever again. I know I'll never look at a pigeon the same way again; they're nothing but rats with wings.
ROZ
Well thanks a lot both of you. It's nice to know who I can depend on in a time of crisis.
FRASIER
What crisis? What is the matter?
NILES
You're not suddenly earning off room service commission are you? Because if you are it's Frasier's turn to tip this week.
ROZ
No but did you see how cute the guy delivering the room service was? He was so pretty he sent my legs to jelly.
FRASIER
And there was I thinking you were quivering from the cold.
MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
MARTIN
We've got to change hotels.
FRASIER
Why? Have you seen any rats?
NILES
Rats? Where?
NILES STANDS ON THE BED
MARTIN
There's no sports channel. I didn't expect ESPN but something would be nice. I can't survive without sport it's like oxygen. Rats nibbling on my ear lobs I could contend with but not this.
FRASIER
We are not changing hotels. Surely you can cope a few days without seeing a group of sweaty men running around.
ROZ
I can't.
FRASIER
I wasn't talking to you. We're here to get Daphne to come home not watch sports or hit on the people delivering room service. Now Niles what's her address, we can get reception to order us a cab.
NILES
I have no idea.
MARTIN
What do you mean you have no idea? Where do her parents live?
NILES
I don't know.
ROZ
For someone who's been obsessed with her for eight years, you don't know a lot about her. Can you even remember what she looks like?
NILES
Funnily enough, the exact address of her parents in another country didn't come up.
FRASIER
But you were coming here on vacation.
ROZ SIGHS AT NILES AND WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN
NILES
Yes with Daphne, she was my guide she was my Sherpa.
ROZ
Oh my God! Look at my head. It's wild. Why didn't anyone tell me I had airplane hair?
ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO FLATTEN HER HAIR BUT IT JUST BOUNCES BACK AGAIN
FRASIER
We've been travelling for nearly twenty hours, couldn't you guess? Why do you think they spent so long looking at your passport photo in immigration? He thought you were the wild woman of Borneo.
ROZ
No wonder the room service guy was starring at me. I look like an escaped mental patient who's had too much electro-shock therapy. Why didn't anyone tell me? Did you think it would make me seem more attractive over here? Do you think that English men have a history of troll blindness?
NILES
How did we go from looking for Daphne to Roz's airplane hair?
ROZ
God it looks even worse then hat hair. Construction workers look better at the end of the day then I do right now and they wear plastic hats and sweat a lot.
MARTIN
It's OK. It's not a problem just look in the phone book.
NILES TAKES THE PHONE BOOK OUT OF THE DRESSER DRAWER
ROZ
I'm too tired to go to a hair salon now. The moment they start massaging the shampoo into my scalp I'll be out like a light.
THEY ALL STARE AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT WHILE SHE CONTINUES TO FLATTEN HER HAIR
MARTIN
I meant to find Daphne's address.
NILES STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK
NILES
Moon, Moon. OK there are seventeen Moon's in the phone book. What do I do now? Close my eyes, point to an address and hope it's the right one.
FRASIER
Look up her father's initial.
NILES
Now we're down to six.
ROZ
So just call them up until you get the right one. Don't worry about people thinking you're insane, you won't ever see them.
NILES
But what if she leaves the house before I get a chance to go around there? I'm just going to go and start knocking on doors that way she can't escape.
FRASIER
That sounds like...an extremely desperate idea Niles. I say go for it. What have you got to loose other then your pride, dignity and any chance of some sort of future happiness? Have you got the ring?
NILES TAKES THE PLASTIC BAG WITH THE RING IN OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE, SHIELDING IT FROM ROZ BEFORE HE PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET
NILES
Yes.
FRASIER
Do you want me to come with you?
NILES
Please. I'm so tired I don't think I'll be able to cope if I run into a gang of drunken soccer hooligans.
ROZ
And Frasier is the ideal defence in that situation. Why don't you take a gladiola to fight any would be attackers off with?
AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
(D)
TITLE CARD: 'OVER PAID, OVER SEXED AND OVER HERE'
FADE IN:
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Niles, Frasier, Simon, Mrs. Moon, Nigel, Mrs. Etchells, Alan, Women)
NILES AND FRASIER WALK UP A STREET WITH HOUSES ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM THAT ALL VIRTUALLY LOOK IDENTICAL. EACH HAS A SMALL GARDEN IN FRONT SURROUNDED BY A WALL. NILES CARRIES A MAP AS THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS
NILES
My feet are killing me. I think I have blisters on my blisters. Who knew Manchester was so big?
FRASIER
I'm having an incredible sense of déjà vu. All these streets look exactly the same. I take it back about accusing you of sending us around in circles. I'm sorry Niles but if this isn't the right house, I'm going to give up for the day. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.
NILES
Frasier this is the last name on the list. If we don't find her here she's lied for the last eight years about being a Mancunian. Here it is number thirty-seven.
THEY STOP OUTSIDE A HOUSE AND WALK THROUGH THE GATE. THEY APPROACH THE DOOR AND NILES RINGS THE BELL FOLLOWED BY A LIGHT KNOCK
A BEAT
NILES ONCE AGAIN RINGS THE BELL AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH
A BEAT
FRASIER
No one's home. Come back tomorrow.
NILES RINGS THE BELL ONCE MORE
NILES
Give it a minute.
NILES CONTINUES TO STAND ON THE DOORSTEP AS FRASIER TAKES A FEW STEPS BACK OUT ONTO THE STREET TO LOOK AT THE UPSTAIRS WINDOWS FOR ANY SIGN OF LIFE. SUDDENLY THE WINDOW DIRECTLY ABOVE THE FRONT DOOR AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DIRECTLY ABOVE NILES OPENS AND A FIGURE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAINS POURS A BUCKET OF WATER ALL OVER NILES COMPLETELY SOAKING HIM. NILES TRIES TO GET THE WATER OUT OF HIS EYES AS FRASIER RATHER HESITANTLY APPROACHES HIM
FRASIER
I may be taking a stab in the dark here, but I'd say you've got the right house.
THE FIGURE IN THE WINDOW LEANS FORWARD AND TURNS OUT TO BE SIMON
SIMON
Just be glad it's water. Dad's been on the crapper for the last hour with the newspaper and I have a very full bladder.
NILES MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WALL SO HE CAN SEE THE WINDOW CLEARLY
NILES
Simon is she here?
SIMON
That information is classified. I am not allowed to divulge it. But for a hundred quid and a six-pack I might.
NILES
Please Simon I didn't do anything wrong.
SIMON
Well I know that. Given the chance I'd give Roz a quick one as well but that's just between us gents.
FRASIER
Your secrets safe with us.
MRS. MOON
(OFF STAGE) Simon who are you talking to? Stop mooning the neighbours. I'm sick of having to wipe the shape of your arse off the windows. Do you have any idea how unhygienic that is?
SIMON
(SHOUTING INSIDE) It's whats-his-face, Daphne's chap, Blinky.
NILES
Actually it's Niles. But don't worry about that your only sister and I have only been dating for a year. It's nothing special.
MRS. MOON
(OFF STAGE) You keep him there I'll get the carving knife and the ball gag.
NILES
Simon is she there? Please let me speak to her.
MRS. MOON ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE HOLDING A BROOM WHICH SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO VISCOUSLY BEAT FRASIER WITH
MRS. MOON
You've got a lot of nerve showing up here after what you did. Just be thankful I'm not using a shovel from the garden. I've got a pointed stick with a nail in the end somewhere in the shed.
FRASIER
My God why do you keep confusing me with Daphne's boyfriends? I'm Frasier this is Niles. All threats and sharp objects should be brandished at him.
NILES
Thank you so much Frasier
MRS. MOON STOPS HITTING FRASIER AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES FOR A MOMENT INSTEAD
MRS. MOON
If I were you I'd get away from my door before I try to squeeze your testicles into my lemon zester. And I'll do it as well. If you don't believe me ask my husband.
NILES
Mrs. Moon honestly I didn't do anything wrong. It was just an accident when...
MRS. MOON
An accident? Oh I see you tripped over a lump in the rug and on the way crashing to the ground you accidentally had sexual intercourse with one of her friends.
FRASIER
It was just one of those freak occurrences. Scientists are studying it.
NILES
No that's not right. It's a long story. Is she here?
MRS. MOON
No she's not.
NILES
Where is she?
MRS. MOON
I'm not going to tell you. You stand more chance of laying an egg then finding that out.
SIMON ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR
SIMON
Has he gone yet? Oh hello Blinky, Frasier.
FRASIER
Simon.
NIGEL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR AND STANDS WITH SIMON
NIGEL
What's going on? More bleedin' Jehovah's Witnesses? I'll get the pepper spray.
SIMON
It's Daphne's old man, Blinky.
NIGEL
Hey Peter get here, the American's are here.
SIMON
Blimey are we at war again. Have you brought us some bacon and a chocolate bar? I won't have to sleep with you will I?
MRS. MOON
She's done nothing but cry her heart out over you. Typical bloody yanks turn up to help out when the hard part's been done and take all the bleedin' credit.
MRS. ETCHELLS ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND LEANS OVER THE WALL
MRS. ETCHELLS
Would you mind keeping the noise down? Some of us are trying to have a civilised afternoon.
MRS. MOON
Are you saying my family isn't civilised?
MRS. ETCHELLS
Yes. And I don't think there's a person down this street who wouldn't agree with me. Except the Vicar but you can't call him a pillar of the community since it was discovered that his coffee mornings are actually a cover for his key parties.
SIMON
Doesn't he invite you?
MRS. ETCHELLS
Not once...I mean why would I want to go to such a thing?
MRS. MOON
At least my kids don't crap on the lawn.
MRS. ETCHELLS
Charlotte has an extremely loose bowel. When nature calls she just has to go. Be that on the front lawn or on the steps of Parliament when we took that tour of London. She felt so guilty when we saw on the news that poor Tony Blair had slipped on it and broken his collarbone.
MRS. MOON
Then would you get her to stop doing it on my front step?
MRS. ETCHELLS
I'll have you know that's the cat. And I'm not about to start making him wear a nappy. I'll stop him as soon as you get your apish sons to stop urinating out of the upstairs windows into our car.
SIMON
That's the price you pay for having a convertible I'm afraid.
FRASIER
(SOTTO TO NILES) Meet the future in-laws Niles. At least we could run away and hide from them when she was marrying Donny.
NIGEL
It's not even a proper convertible. You've taken a Skoda and cut the roof off.
ALAN ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND STANDS WITH MRS. ETCHELLS
ALAN
Would you mind not shouting at my mother. I don't need assault added to my Police record.
NIGEL
What to go with your other mister meaner of shagging a squirrel? I hope you bought it dinner and a movie.
MRS. MOON
I would mind actually. She should keep her nose out of other people's business.
SIMON
I'll handle this Mom. Listen why don't you just go back inside to your double bagger. She must be waiting for you.
ALAN
My what?
SIMON
You're girlfriend, your double bagger. She's so ugly, you have to wear a bag on your head in case her's rips.
ALAN
Why you!
ALAN SWINGS AND GOES TO HIT SIMON BUT HE DUCKS AND ALAN UNFORTUNATELY PUNCHES NILES INSTEAD SENDING HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE GRASS
MRS. ETCHELLS
Now look what you've done. Alan get inside.
MRS. ETCHELLS SLAPS ALAN'S HEAD AS THEY EXIT BACK INSIDE
SIMON
Bye bye lady boy.
MRS. MOON
(SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE) And wash your bleedin net curtains you dirty cow. You lower the whole tone of the bloody neighbourhood.
SIMON, NIGEL AND MRS. MOON EXIT INDOORS LEAVING NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE WALL
FRASIER
Well Niles you seem fine here so I'll just go back to the hotel and get some sleep. Damn this jet lag.
FRASIER EXITS DOWN THE STREET AS NILES REMAINS ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO REGAIN HIS COMPOSURE. JUST AS HE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STARTS TO BRUSH HIMSELF DOWN A WOMEN WALKS PAST THE END OF THE STREET AND SLAPS HIM
WOMEN
How could you? Daphne's such a nice girl.
AS NILES STANDS THERE SHELL SHOCKED WE:
FADE OUT
(E)
FADE IN:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2
(Mrs. Moon, Niles, Simon, Nigel, Frasier, Mrs. Etchells, Mr. Moon, Giggsey)
SIMON AND NIGEL SIT ON THE COUCH ON THE BACK WALL WITH THEIR FEET UP ON THE TABLE WATCHING THE TELEVISION. TO THE RIGHT IS THE FRONT DOOR, TO THE LEFT IS THE STAIRS, DOORWAY LEADING TO THE KITCHEN AND A SET OF TABLE AND CHAIRS. NILES SITS ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS HEAD HELD BACK WITH A STEAK COVERING HIS EYE. MRS. MOON STANDS WITH HIM POKING THE STEAK
MRS. MOON
Let's have a look at your eye. (SHOUTS) Oh my God!
NILES
(PANICS) What is it? Do I need to call a plastic surgeon?
MRS. MOON
I paid a fortune for these steaks and look at the fat on this one. It looks as if it has cellulite. Look at that.
NILES
I've been examining it very closely thank you. This portion of the cow is extremely pretty to look at, especially when it's separated from the cow, dripping with blood and pressed up against my face.
MRS. MOON SLAPS THE STEAK BACK ONTO NILES' FACE RATHER VIOLENTLY WHICH MAKES HIM FLINCH AND WINCE AT THE PAIN
MRS. MOON
Ingrate. Daphne was right about you being a fussy bleeder.
NILES
(CONCERNED) How bad is it?
MRS. MOON
You'll live. Pity. Although I have a feeling your eyes are going to be a little lopsided from now on.
SIMON
Is tea ready Mom? I'm starving.
NILES
How do you eat tea? Don't you drink it?
SIMON
Come on Blinky. Tea as in dinner. Don't you speak English?
NILES
Apparently not. I've never heard Daphne call it that.
MRS. MOON
No it's not ready.
SIMON
Why?
POINTING AT NILES
MRS. MOON
Because your tea is on his face. And that grill's not big enough to shove a human head into. Although I'm willing to give it a go if he don't mind. I'll cook it for you after he's finished with it if you still want it.
NIGEL
Thanks a lot Blinky. We're going to waste away here.
NILES
It's Niles not Blinky.
NIGEL
So what are we eating?
MRS. MOON
One of you will have to go down the chippy. He got his license back yesterday. They only found one rat in the fat fryer and that's not enough to shut him down permanently. But there was some concern over his pink eye.
NILES
Mrs. Moon I hate to impose. I've already ruined your meal plans and caused a rift between you and your neighbours so can you please just tell me where she is so I can get out of your way?
MRS. MOON
No. After what you've done you're lucky I've been so nice.
NILES
So far you've soaked me in water, beat me with a broom and got your neighbour to punch me. I don't think I've ever been quite so lucky in my life.
MRS. MOON
And you think that's bad? I've got a splinter in my finger from that broom thanks to you. If I die from it she'll never speak to you again not that she's likely to anyway.
NILES
Then I apologise. Is there anyway that you'll tell me?
MRS. MOON
Buy me a house on Maui and maybe we'll talk.
NILES
Mrs. Moon I can't stretch to that.
MRS. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
SIMON
You obviously don't want her back very desperately then do you Blinky?
SIMON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY NIGEL WHO BOTH GLARE AT NILES AS THEY GO
NILES
I just want a chance to explain. Will anyone listen to me?
GIGGSEY, A RATHER LARGE LABRADOR THEN COMES RUNNING IN FROM OUTSIDE AND NOTICING NILES JUMPS UP ONTO HIS LAP. NILES IS IMMEDIATELY RATHER REPULSED BY THE DOG AND PULLS HIS FACE AS FAR AWAY FROM HIS AS POSSIBLE
NILES (CONT'D)
Anyone else? Preferably someone whose breath doesn't smell as if they've spent the afternoon... pleasuring themselves.
GIGGSEY THEN STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF UP NILES AND HE BATTLES IN VAIN TO GET HIM OFF HIS LAP
NILES (CONT'D)
Good boy get down. Get down. Oh all right fine. I have to have this suit dry cleaned anyway after being forced to sit in coach for nearly twenty-four hours. God knows what kind of germs I picked up from there.
NIGEL
(OFF STAGE) Don't let him rub up you.
NILES
Why? Does he have fleas?
SIMON
(OFF STAGE) Not at the moment. But he does have a bad case of worms.
NILES THEN TRIES DESPERATELY TO PUSH THE DOG OFF HIS LAP. THIS ONLY GETS HIM TO NOTICE THE STEAK THAT NILES IS STILL BALANCING OVER HIS EYE. AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS IN WHICH HE CAN'T QUITE REACH IT, THE DOG EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO GRAB THE STEAK AND JUMPS OFF NILES' LAP AND STARTS TO CHEW IT ON THE FLOOR.
NILES
Fine have it. Do you ever wonder why you have worms?
SIMON
(OFF STAGE) Can't we still have these steaks? Just give the one Blinky has on his face to Dad.
MRS. MOON
(OFF STAGE) I can't do that. He'll be able to tell.
NIGEL
(OFF STAGE) He couldn't tell when we gave him Giggsey's dog food for his tea on April Fool's Day. He had seconds and thirds that night.
MRS. MOON
(OFF STAGE) Oh all right. But don't tell him.
NILES HEARING THIS SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET THE STEAK OFF GIGGSEY. NILES TRIES TO PULL IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH BUT HE WON'T LET GO. HE PULLS SO HARD THAT THE DOG IS NEARLY LIFTED OFF THE GROUND. EVENTUALLY GIGGSEY LETS GO AND THE FORCE MAKES THE STEAK FLY BACK AND SLAP NILES IN THE FACE. NILES THEN RECOVERS HIS COMPOSURE AND SITS BACK DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE STEAK BACK OVER HIS EYE. BEFORE THE STEAK MAKES CONTACT WITH HIS FACE HE NOTICES THE AMOUNT OF DOG DROOL ON IT. HE QUICKLY TAKES HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND WIPES THE STEAK DOWN WITH IT BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK ON HIS FACE.
SFX: PHONE RINGING
MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE PHONE
MRS. MOON
(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh yes, just a second. (TO NILES) You're brothers on the blower for you.
NILES
Excuse me?
NIGEL
(OFF STAGE) He's on the phone.
MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES GETS UP, TAKES THE STEAK OFF HIS FACE AND PICKS UP THE PHONE
NILES
Oh right. Hello Frasier?
FRASIER (V.O.)
Hi Niles how's it's going?
NILES
Apart from a dog trying to eat a steak off my face, being constantly called Blinky and every person in this house refusing to tell me where she is, just fine.
FRASIER (V.O.)
Maybe it's time that you changed tactics.
NILES
I would Frasier but they wouldn't let me bring my cattle prod into the country.
FRASIER (V.O.)
I'm sure we could get you one but for the sake of it let's call that plan B. Niles just try to spend some time with them. Pretty soon they'll realise what a nice person you are, let you explain and tell you where she is.
SIMON AND NIGEL RE-ENTER AND SIT BACK ON THE COUCH
NILES
Do you think so?
FRASIER (V.O.)
At the moment I do but I have just had a glass of brandy and a couple of sleeping tablets.
NILES
Thank you Frasier you're always a help.
NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE AND THEN WONDERS OVER TO SIMON AND NIGEL, PLAYFULLY PUNCHING THEM ON THE ARM TO BECOME ONE OF THE BOYS
NILES (CONT'D)
So guys, mates, pals. Are you going to a game this weekend?
SIMON
Nope the seasons finished.
NILES
Manchester City right?
NIGEL
(DISGUSTED) Wash your mouth out with soap. We're United boys we are. The one and only team in Manchester I'll have you know. Champions
SIMON/NIGEL
(SINGING LOUDLY) United, United, United, United.
SFX: POUNDING ON THE WALL FROM THE NEIGHBOURS
MRS. ETCHELLS (V.O)
(OFF STAGE) Keep that bloody noise down you bunch of animals.
MRS. MOON ENTERS WITH A BROOM AND STARTS TO HIT THE WALL WITH IT
MRS. MOON (V.O)
(SHOUTS) Oh shut it. Do we complain when you're humping the milkman up the wall and making our plates fall down off the shelf?
MR. ETCHELLS
(OFF STAGE, SHOUTS) What?
NIGEL AND SIMON START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AS NILES LOOKS SHELL SHOCKED ONCE AGAIN
SIMON
Nice one Mom.
MRS. MOON SLAPS BOTH SIMON AND NIGEL AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD
MRS. MOON
Get your feet off the table.
THEY BOTH REMOVE THEIR FEET FROM THE TABLE AND RUB THEIR HEADS AS MR. MOON ENTERS FROM DOWN THE STAIRS BUT REMAINS BY THE DOORWAY UNSEEN BY NILES
NILES
(BEGINNING TO GET DESPERATE) Mrs. Moon will you please just let me explain?
MRS. MOON
Go on then I could use a good laugh.
MRS. MOON THEN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH TO LISTEN
NILES
This is all very unfortunate. I've been planning to propose for several weeks to Daphne but I kept backing out. When I was finally about to do it Roz swallowed the engagement ring.
SIMON
We hear that wasn't the only thing.
NILES
It was just a misunderstanding. I was only spending time with Roz to get the ring back. It was a case of crossed lines of communications. Do you believe me?
MRS. MOON, SIMON AND NIGEL SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT THINKING. THEY THEN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE STARING BACK AT NILES AND BURSTING OUT LAUGHING
MRS. MOON
You've had nearly a week. Surely you could have thought of something better then that.
MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN
NILES
But it's true. Why won't anyone believe me?
SIMON
Because it's stupid.
NIGEL
And look who's talking.
MR. MOON FINALLY ENTERS THE ROOM AND WALKS UP BEHIND NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP WHEN HE FIRST SPEAKS
MR. MOON
Hello, and who's this? Oh wait Niles isn't it?
NILES
Yes that's right.
MR. MOON
That's funny, the way Daphne described you when she came back I expected you to have much smaller hands and feet.
MR. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN
SIMON
He likes you.
NILES
Oh joy. Well thank you for you hospitality Mrs. Moon, but the jet lag is really beginning to catch up on me.
MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE STEAK OFF THE TABLE
MRS. MOON
I see, you ruin me steak and then sod off. Go on then.
MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR
SIMON
Hey Blinky.
NILES
Just out of curiosity why do you call me Blinky?
SIMON
You just look like a Blinky.
NILES
Well may I advise in the event of ever having children you let your wife name them?
SIMON
Do you want to come out to the boozer with the boys tomorrow?
NILES
If I do will it help me find out where Daphne is?
NIGEL
Maybe.
NILES
Then the first round is on me.
SIMON
I've got news for you. If you want to know where she is all rounds are on you. And bring Roz.
AS NILES EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO(F)
FADE IN:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2
(Mr. Moon, Daphne)
MR. MOON SITS ON THE COUCH TALKING ON THE PHONE RATHER QUIETLY SO THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE HEARS
MR. MOON
Hello love.
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT — CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE SITS ON HER OWN IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE
DAPHNE
Hi Dad.
MR. MOON (V.O.)
I'll cut right to the chase Niles has been here today.
DAPHNE
What did he want?
MR. MOON (V.O.)
What do you think he wanted?
DAPHNE
Castrating?
RESET TO:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
MR. MOON
Honey I think you should speak to him. At least hear him out.
DAPHNE (V.O.)
I don't know if I can. He doesn't know where I am does he?
MR. MOON
Not at the moment, but it won't be long. Will you just think about coming to see him first?
RESET TO:
INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS
DAPHNE
I don't know.
MR. MOON (V.O.)
He's doing some major sucking up to your mother and brothers, I think it's worth it. He loves you.
DAPHNE
I'll think about it.
AS DAPHNE BIDS HER FATHER GOOD BYE WE:
FADE OUT
(G)
FADE IN:
INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Bartender, Simon, Nigel, Peter, Mr. Moon, Billy,
Michael, Lisa, Reginald)
SIMON, NIGEL, PETER, BILLY, MICHAEL, REGINALD AND MR. MOON FORM PART OF A LARGER GROUP OF PEOPLE TO THE FAR RIGHT OF THE PUB NEXT TO A DART BOARD. THE BAR STRETCHES ACROSS THE MAJORITY OF THE BACK WALL, WITH THE ENTRANCE AND THE BATHROOMS ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. A BARTENDER SERVES SEVERAL CUSTOMERS IN THE ALREADY FULL PUB AS NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER. AS YOU WOULD EXPECT FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AT THEIR SURROUNDINGS
NILES
Oh dear God. They really want to torture me for this. I don't think you're allowed in here without at least one felony conviction.
MARTIN
Just be nice. It's the only way you'll find out where she is.
FRASIER
Why are the floors sticky?
NILES
I don't know I don't want to know. Just be careful you don't fall down. You may stick to it permanently. And I should hate to have to leave you here, but if I have to I will.
ROZ
Oh my God there's Simon. Hide me.
FRASIER
Where exactly? I didn't put my clown trousers with the giant pockets on today.
ROZ
God do I have to think of everything? I wonder how you manage to put your pants on yourself without having a seizure.
ROZ STANDS BEHIND FRASIER AND PULLS HIS COAT OVER HER HEAD
FRASIER
And how do I explain exactly that I've developed a hump in the last twenty-four hours since he's seen me?
ROZ
Trust me he's not that observant.
NILES
Just tell them we had to fly coach. That explains everything. I'm surprised that experience hasn't made us start to groom each other and drink from aluminium cans.
FRASIER
Roz will you get out of there. I have no desire to become a pantomime horse.
ROZ PULLS HIS COAT OFF HER HEAD BUT STILL HIDES BEHIND HIM
MARTIN
Are you going to be alright on your own?
NILES
I'll be fine I just have to jump through their hoops. Buy them plenty of drinks and hope they let it slip.
ROZ
And pick on the weak ones, to get information. If you have any trouble send one of them over here and I'll squeeze it out of them. I haven't filed my nails for a while.
NILES
I see all those years at Nazi training camp have really paid off for you Roz. Wish me luck.
AS NILES JOINS THE MOON'S, MARTIN, FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE TOWARDS THE BAR
MARTIN
Can I have a beer please?
BARTENDER
Any particular kind?
MARTIN
Is there any chance you have ballantine?
FRASIER
(SOTTO TO THE BARTENDER) Just say yes and give him anything.
THE CAMERA NOW FOCUSES ON NILES AND THE MOON'S
NILES
Hello all.
SIMON
Blinky! Everyone this is Daphne's ex.
NILES
Ex?
NIGEL
You did shag her mate, mate. Or have you forgotten?
PETER
Let's get him a drink. What do you want?
NILES
Just a sherry thank you.
EVERYONE STOPS AND STARES AT HIM
NILES (CONT'D)
I mean a pint of whatever you're drinking. Which looks like a glass of foamy tar. How nice.
PETER
It's called Guinness.
BARTENDER
What's with the American invasion tonight? Since when's Manchester been a tourist location?
MR. MOON
I didn't think we had any tourist attractions apart from where that IRA bomb went off.
BILLY
This is Daphne's fella and his family from Seattle.
BARTENDER
I didn't know our Daph was seeing anyone since she dumped her fiancé. I'm not surprised though she's obviously been wearing that new type of underwear.
NILES
Excuse me?
BARTENDER
You know that new line in women's underwear. One yank and they're off.
NILES
That's very amusing.
THE CAMERA NOW ANGLES ON FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ WHO ARE SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PUB WATCHING
ROZ
It's like watching a lamb go to slaughter. Lucky us we have front row seats. Do you think they'll stop the action for toilet breaks?
FRASIER
I just feel as if I should help him some how. Surely there's someone we can talk to.
MARTIN
There's nothing we can do. If they won't tell him they're not going to tell us. All he's got to do is have a few drinks with the boys and one of them will let it slip.
ROZ
Oh my God. It's the room service guy from our hotel. How's my hair? Like I've been dragged through a bush?
FRASIER
It looks fine. Although I'd suggest you check your teeth.
ROZ
Why?
FRASIER
Because in England they have teeth checks instead of coat checks. Why do you think? You have half a donut sticking out between them.
AS ROZ COVERS HER MOUTH AND RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE BATHROOM THE CAMERA ANGLES BACK ON NILES AND THE MOON'S. MICHAEL PASSES NILES A BOWL OF PEANUTS
MICHAEL
How about a bit of a Manchester delicacy?
NILES
Sure I'd love to. Well these are just peanuts.
NIGEL
But these are different they're specially prepared here. They even have a unique brand name.
NILES
What's that?
NILES STARTS TO EAT A HAND FULL OF THE PEANUTS
MICHAEL
Well we had them analysed and so now we call them twenty-seven different varieties of urine. Do you think it'll catch on?
NILES SPITS THE PEANUTS BACK OUT ACROSS THE ROOM
MR. MOON
Hey come on leave the boy alone.
SIMON
Why don't you bring the boys over here? They shouldn't be sitting on their own. Hey Frasier, Marty come and join us.
FRASIER AND MARTIN NOW JOIN THE REST OF THE GROUP
FRASIER
OK, thank you. Can I get anyone a drink?
SIMON
(SOTTO TO BILLY) I told you it was a good idea to invite them here. We're going to get tattered and we don't have to spend a penny. I'm going to wake up in the morning, drunk in a ditch and have no idea how I got there.
NILES
No thanks Frasier I've already got one.
PETER
And now you've got two. Drink up, there's another on the way.
PETER THEN HANDS NILES A SECOND PINT AS LISA ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
MR. MOON
Eye'up Reginald, your missus is here.
LISA
Reginald Moon get here, I have a bone to pick with you. I saw you kissing Maggie at the Trafford Centre this morning.
REGINALD
I was not! I was only giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
LISA
You thought she was dead?
REGINALD
No I thought you were dead.
LISA
I don't believe you! I'm leaving.
LISA GETS DISTRACTED WHEN SHE NOTICES NILES
LISA (CONT'D)
Oh hello. (RECOGNISING HIM) Are you Niles?
NILES
Yes.
LISA SLAPS NILES ACROSS THE FACE
NILES (CONT'D)
Thank you.
LISA
You're welcome.
LISA EXITS WITH REGINALD CLOSELY FOLLOWING
NILES
Frasier, Dad this is Daphne's father. Mr. Moon this is my father Martin and my brother Frasier.
MR. MOON
Evening.
ROZ APPROACHES THE GROUP AND SIMON IMMEDIATELY MOVES TOWARDS HER
SIMON
Hello Roz.
ROZ
Before you even think about it, no. I'd rather have sex with a gopher then with you.
SIMON
I've been known to play a round or two of crazy golf.
ROZ
Gopher not golfer.
SIMON
But you slept with Blinky here.
ROZ
I did not I just ate his ring.
SIMON
So that's what they're calling it these days.
NILES
So have you seen Daphne? Is she OK?
PETER
Boy are you whipped.
NILES
Only on Sundays. Come on Peter, do you know anything?
PETER
I did see her. But I can't tell you where she is. Mom will have me tongue trapped in the letterbox if I do.
NILES
Did she say anything about me?
BILLY
Nothing that you'll want to hear mate. It wasn't very flattering.
FRASIER
Where's your room service guy?
ROZ
That's not going to work out.
MARTIN
Don't worry about it. Maybe you're just not his type.
ROZ
Evidently, he's over there making out with the bellboy.
MARTIN
And you drew that conclusion from that?
ROZ
Simon get your hands off my ass!
SIMON
Sorry I thought it was someone else's.
ROZ
Who? I'm the only woman here.
NILES STARTS TO SIP FROM HIS PINT AS NIGEL SLAPS HIS BACK
NIGEL
Come on Blinky knock them back.
NILES OBEDIENTLY TRIES TO DRINK THE ENTIRE GLASS
MR. MOON
(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Watch they don't get him too drunk.
FRASIER
Go easy there Niles.
NILES
It's OK Frasier I can hold my liquor.
AS NILES CONTINUES TO DRINK HIS PINT WE:
FADE OUT:
(H)
TITLE CARD: 'DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT'
FADE IN:
INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3
(Niles, Simon, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Peter, Nigel, Michael, Billy, Mr. Moon)
NILES STANDS ON THE BAR WITH HIS TIE AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE RAMBO, HIS JACKET TIED AROUND HIS SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE DOWNING ANOTHER PINT ALMOST IN ONE AS THE MAJORITY OF THE BAR INCLUDING ALL THE MOON BOYS CHANTS AND ENCOURAGES HIM. NILES EMPTIES HIS GLASS AND THEN STANDS IT UPSIDE DOWN ON HIS HEAD
NILES
Who's the man? I can drink just like the Moon boys.
SIMON
But can you moon just like the Moon boys?
NILES
Is that a challenge?
THE CAMERA THEN CUTS AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN HIDE THEIR FACES IN SHAME AND ROZ SITS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. AS MARTIN STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD A LOUD CHEER COMES FROM THE REST OF THE BAR AS PRESUMABLY NILES HAS REMOVED HIS PANTS AND WE:
FADE OUT
(I)
TITLE CARD: 'THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO FREUD, ONLY HIS SAID MOTHER'
FADE IN:
INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Niles, Elderly Couple)
NILES LIES FACED DOWN IN BED WITH HIS HEAD AT THE FOOT OF THE BED WEARING JUST HIS SHIRT AND HIS UNDERWEAR. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE FRONT DOOR LEAVING IT OPEN AND HOVER AROUND NILES. FRASIER EVENTUALLY SITS ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AND POKES NILES
FRASIER
Niles, Niles.
ROZ
I think he's dead. He was only going to survive with that stick permanently stuck up his ass for a while anyway without it killing him. Although he certainly let loose last night.
MARTIN
He's not dead. He'd have started to smell already if he was.
FRASIER
Oh he smells all right, like a beer factory. Is he breathing?
MARTIN
That's what his chest going up and down normally signifies.
FRASIER
He might have a cat sleeping on his chest.
MARTIN
And when's the last time that happened?
FRASIER
What that a cat slept on his chest?
ROZ
No that you used your brain. How would a cat get through that window? Do you think it came from the toilet? Sewer cats aren't a major problem in England.
FRASIER
Niles, Niles.
FRASIER PICKS UP NILES' HEAD BEFORE DROPPING IT CAUSING IT TO BOUNCE UP AND DOWN ON THE MATTRESS
NILES
(VERY GROGGY) Ahh. What are you doing here? And why is it so bright in here? Oh my God, my head. Stop blinking you're making too much noise.
FRASIER
Niles there's more light shinning between your ears.
MARTIN
We wanted to know if they told you where she was. You bought them enough beer for them to actually bring her to you on a silver platter.
NILES
If they did I can't remember now. I barely know what my name is and where I am let alone where Daphne is. My mouth tastes like what can only be described as a dead dog.
ROZ
You must have had a good night then. You can always guess that when your mouth tastes like some sort of dead animal.
FRASIER
Unless it tastes of pig because you could conclude that you've just eaten breakfast.
NILES
I don't remember anything from last night after that game of darts when Simon got his head stuck in the legs of that bar stool.
MARTIN
Which one? He did that twice.
ROZ
Only because he was trying to look up my skirt.
MARTIN
Was it the game when you nearly stabbed that guy in the backside with one of the darts?
NILES
I don't remember that. I didn't make a fool of myself did I?
FRASIER
Erm...not while we were there you didn't.
ROZ
And I'm the Queen of England.
MARTIN
Now come on freshen up, we've got to get round there. Her father invited us round for lunch.
NILES ROLLS OVER TO SIT UP, BUT THEN SHOUTS WITH PAIN AND ROLLS BACK OVER AGAIN
NILES
Oh my God, I feel so sore.
ROZ
I'm not surprised you have a sore head; you drank me under the table. I've never been prouder of you.
NILES
I don't mean my head. Although if I move it I'm afraid it may fall off. My backside really hurts. I didn't stab myself with a dart did I?
MARTIN
No but you did try to put your pants on a beer barrel after you fell off the bar.
NILES
I thought you said I didn't do anything stupid. Someone look and see what's wrong.
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ STARE AT NILES AND THEN AT EACH OTHER
NILES (CONT'D)
What are those looks for? I'd do it myself but I'm not possessed by a demon today.
FRASIER
Well go on Dad.
MARTIN
I'm not doing it. I don't want to see that.
FRASIER
But you're his father. You used to change his diapers.
MARTIN
And he's also forty-two now, so I'm going to have to pass. You look, you two are so close.
FRASIER
We're not that close. If we ever get so close that we start checking each other's prostates you have permission to shoot me.
NILES
By the way I don't find any of this the slightest bit insulting.
FRASIER
Go on Roz.
ROZ
There are some things that even I won't do. I'm not even related, this is a job for you two.
NILES
For God's sake someone just look at my ass and tell me whether or not I've had a dart sticking out of it.
MARTIN
No.
FRASIER
Oh you've seen hookers chopped up and scattered around warehouses surely that's more traumatising then looking at Niles' butt.
MARTIN
Do you want to put money on it?
ROZ
Frasier you should do it, you went to medical school.
FRASIER
But I focus on the head not the lower parts of the anatomy. That way I avoid situations like this.
NILES
(SHOUTS) For God's sake someone look at my ass.
AN ELDERLY COUPLE WALK PAST THE DOOR AND SHARE SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS
ROZ
Oh fine I'll do it. Why should I keep my eyesight? I only have a child that I can miss seeing grow up.
ROZ WALKS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED AND LIFTS UP THE SHEET. HER HAND IMMEDIATELY COVERS HER MOUTH AS SHE LAUGHS TO HERSELF
ROZ (CONT'D)
Oh my God.
NILES
(PANICKING) What is it? Is it a dart?
ROZ NOW STARTS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
FRASIER
What are you laughing it?
NILES
Someone sedate her and find out what's going on. I've been stabbed haven't I?
ROZ
Niles you have a tattoo.
NILES
I what?
FRASIER
Let me see.
MARTIN
Let's have a look.
FRASIER AND MARTIN RUN AROUND TO LOOK AND THEN JOIN ROZ IN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT IT
NILES
Oh nice now you can read it you all want a look. Are you sure it's a tattoo? Maybe it's just a cluster of moles.
ROZ
No it's a tattoo. If it was a cluster of moles you'd have had a front page story in the National Enquirer by now.
NILES
Are you sure it's not newspaper print?
ROZ
Positive.
NILES
Maybe it's religious. I could be the second coming.
MARTIN
Not likely.
NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS
NILES
How could this have happened? (SUDDENLY REALISING AND LOOKING UP) Oh no. I remember lying down on a bed after we got thrown out of the pub. Oh and a hairy bald man coming towards me with no teeth and a large needle. Why didn't you bring me back to the hotel?
FRASIER
You wanted to stop there.
NILES
What is it?
FRASIER
It's a heart and two names.
NILES
Whose names?
FRASIER
It says Blinky loves Stilts. Are you going to have that printed on the wedding invitations?
FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AS NILES GETS UP AND RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM
NILES
(OFF STAGE) Let me see. Oh my God. I can't go to the wine club with a tattoo. Major Peterson was banned after he was caught wearing a t-shirt under his shirt instead of a vest.
ROZ
At least you had a good evening.
AS NILES RE-ENTERS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND RUBBING HIS BACKSIDE WE:
FADE OUT
(J)
TITLE CARD: 'WHO'S IN THE DOG HOUSE? YOU, YOU, YOU'
FADE IN:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4
(Peter, Billy, Nigel, Mrs. Moon, Niles, Michael, Simon, Frasier, Roz, Martin,
Mr. Moon, Daphne, Giggsey)
PETER, BILLY, NIGEL, MICHAEL, AND SIMON SIT AROUND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS MRS. MOON POLISHES THE TABLE. SUDDENLY GIGGSEY RUNS IN AND STARTS TO ROLL ON THE CARPET IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION
MRS. MOON
What's the dog got in his mouth? I've told you before if he's got rabies, move the fence so he can get into next doors garden and give it them.
BILLY
Giggsey come here. Oh my God could you be anymore disgusting?
BILLY PULLS SOMETHING FROM OUT OF GIGGSEY'S MOUTH
NIGEL
Not without being Simon.
MRS. MOON
What is it?
BILLY
Something formally a slug.
MRS. MOON
Well pick it up off the floor. I don't want it trampled into the carpet. It's bad enough I sucked that mouse up the vacuum hose when he brought one in, I don't want to have to suck up a slug as well. I still see its tail whizzing around the vacuum cleaner.
BILLY
Where do you suggest I put it?
SFX: DOORBELL
MICHAEL GETS UP AND EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR
MRS. MOON
I don't care anywhere but on the carpet. But don't put it in anyone's bed.
BILLY PUTS IT IN A TEA CUP ON THE TABLE
RESET TO:
EXT. MOON RESIDENCE FRONT GARDEN — CONTINUOUS
MICHAEL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ
NILES
Where is Simon?
NILES PUSHES PAST MICHAEL AND EXITS INSIDE
MICHAEL
Oh hello Blink it was nice talking to you as well.
RESET TO:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE SITS AS BEFORE AS NILES ENTERS
NILES
(SHOUTS AT SIMON) What the hell did you do to my ass?!
SIMON
Keep your voice down Blink this is how rumours get started.
NILES
How could you?
MICHAEL, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER
SIMON
You were all up for the idea last night. You dragged us in there in the end. You couldn't wait to drop your trousers.
NILES
I was drunk if you couldn't tell.
SIMON
How was I supposed to know that you don't wear your trousers on your head normally? I'm not bleedin' psychic you know that's Daphne.
FRASIER
If only there had been some clue.
SIMON
You should be thanking me. You originally wanted it on your forehead.
NILES
Look, guys, you've soaked me, hit me, beat me, inebriated me, made me completely humiliate myself and now tattooed me and I've only been here two days. Isn't that enough? Please just tell me where she is.
MRS. MOON
Don't you dare.
ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH BETWEEN SIMON AND PETER BUT SIMON SLIPS HIS HAND UNDER HER BACKSIDE FIRST AS MRS. MOON EXITS UPSTAIRS
ROZ
Simon move your hand now before I snap it off!
SIMON
Sorry it's just an automatic reflex.
SIMON REMOVES HIS HAND
PETER
I'll tell you what, now that Mom's gone. Since you got the beer in last night, we'll let you know where she is.
NILES
Really?
PETER
Under one condition.
NILES
Which is?
PETER
Eat this slug.
NILES
Excuse me?
PETER
Eat the slug.
ROZ
This trip just keeps getting better and better.
FRASIER
Firstly why do you even have a slug in a teacup?
BILLY
Mom didn't want it left on the carpet.
FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR TO THE RIGHT OF THE COUCH
FRASIER
Why was it on the carpet?
BILLY
Giggsey brought it in.
FRASIER
Who on earth is Giggsey?
GIGGSEY JUMPS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND JUMPS ALL OVER FRASIER
MICHAEL
That would be the dog who is now sitting on your head. I'd keep me mouth shut if I were you Doc. He has a tendency to get a little over excited in company.
NILES
Not to mention he has worms.
RESET TO:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS
MR. MOON LEANS UP THE KITCHEN COUNTER READING THE NEWSPAPER AS MARTIN ENTERS
MARTIN
Hi there.
MR. MOON
Hello. Does that mean your boy is here as well?
MARTIN
Yeah.
MR. MOON
Good
MARTIN
The boys are trying to make him eat a slug.
MR. MOON
Well boys will be boys.
MARTIN
That's right, except for my boys who will be very big girls.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
MR. MOON
Can I get you a beer.
RESET TO:
INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS
EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE
NILES
I am not eating a slug.
PETER
Do you want to know where she is or not?
NILES
Of course but...
FRASIER
Will someone get this dog off me!
SIMON
Don't force him, it'll just get his blood up.
ROZ
I see it takes after you then.
BILLY PICKS THE DOG OFF FRASIER AND PUTS HIM ON THE FLOOR
NILES
This is ridiculous.
ROZ
You eat snails.
NILES
Surely even you Roz can see the difference between escargot prepared at a five star restaurant and a slug chewed by a dog from out of the garden.
ROZ
Stop being so picky.
NILES
I am not eating a slug.
NIGEL
How about a frog? I'm sure we could find one of them in the garden.
NILES
No! I'm not eating anything.
FRASIER
It wouldn't hurt Niles. You've eaten frog's legs before.
NILES
Stop encouraging them!
MR. MOON AND MARTIN ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MRS. MOON COMES BACK DOWN THE STAIRS
MR. MOON
(ANGRY) You made him get a tattoo?
BILLY
We did not. He wanted to do it. Yes we tried to get his tongue pierced, but he passed out before we had the chance.
MRS. MOON
Let's have a look.
NILES
I'd rather not.
MARTIN
It's on his butt.
MRS. MOON
Come on let me see.
NILES
No
FRASIER
Niles come on be nice.
NILES
How is flashing everyone in the room being nice?
ROZ
You've soon changed your tune, you wanted everyone to look at it this morning.
PETER
And last night
MICHAEL
That little old lady will be traumatised for life. You even showed the garden gnome in next doors front garden.
ROZ
Oh that's why he has a white cane.
NILES
That's a fishing pole. Blind people don't normally have fish carcases hanging off the end of their canes.
MRS. MOON
Clive would have done it.
NILES
Clive?
MRS. MOON
We were all rather partial to Clive. I really should phone him and tell him Daphne's back.
NILES
Oh fine.
NILES DROPS HIS TROUSERS AROUND HIS ANKLES AND THEN PULLS HIS SHORTS DOWN A LITTLE
MRS. MOON
How romantic.
ROZ
I have to have another look. This is just the funniest thing I've ever seen.
ROZ KNEELS BEHIND NILES AND HAS ANOTHER LOOK
MRS. MOON
Does it hurt?
NILES
Only if you...
MRS. MOON SLAPS IT
NILES (CONT'D)
(WINCING WITH PAIN) Touch it.
ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK AT IT AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
DAPHNE
Hello all. Have you got room for another two for dinner?
DAPHNE SEES NILES AND THE SCENE AND FREEZES
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Niles?
NILES
Oh my God Daphne.
DAPHNE
(UPSET) What are you...?
NILES
Daphne this is not what it looks like.
DAPHNE
Like hell it doesn't.
DAPHNE RUNS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR
NILES
Daphne!
NILES TRIES TO RUN BUT CAN'T BECAUSE HIS TROUSERS ARE STILL AROUND HIS ANKLES, HE BENDS AND TRIES TO PULL THEM UP
FRASIER
Forget your pants just go after her.
NILES PULLS HIS FEET OUT OF HIS TROUSERS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AFTER DAPHNE
MR. MOON
That's done it this time. Bloody typical. I knew I should have invited her to the pub last night.
MARTIN
You got her to come here?
MRS. MOON
What did you do that for?
MR. MOON
I happen to believe the boy, he's a nice enough chap and I want to see my daughter happy.
FRASIER
You could have told us at least. We wouldn't have encouraged him to do something that would only add fuel to the fire.
NILES RE-ENTERS PANTING AND SOAKING WET
ROZ
What happened?
NILES
She's gone. Only a greyhound on speed would have caught up with that car.
FRASIER
Why are you all wet?
NILES
It's raining and I'm not wearing any pants.
MRS. MOON
It's only lightly spitting.
NILES
That doesn't matter when you fall down a pothole and face first into a puddle.
SIMON
You went running down the road like that?
NILES
Yes I did. But on the up side as a result, the vicar has invited me to one of his key parties. I've really blown it this time. There was a man waiting for her in the car.
MR. MOON
Oh don't panic.
MRS. MOON
Don't you dare tell him! I'm warning you, you'll be sleeping with the dog for the next week if you do.
MR. MOON
As opposed to having to sleep with you? What's the difference? She's stopping with Stephen and his wife in Birmingham.
NILES
Where?
MR. MOON
It's about a hundred miles south of here. You go to the bathroom and dry yourself off and I'll copy his address for you.
NILES
Thank you.
NILES EXITS UPSTAIRS AND MRS. MOON GLARES AT MR. MOON
MR. MOON
Oh shut up mother!
NIGEL
Who's going to eat the slug then?
PETER
I will for fifty quid.
FRASIER
I'll take that bet.
AS MRS. MOON SNATCHES THE TEACUP AWAY BEFORE THEY CAN GET THE SLUG WE:
FADE OUT
(K)
FADE IN:
INT. OUTSIDE STEPHEN'S APARTMENT — AFTERNOON — DAY/4
(Frasier, Niles, Donna)
FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, RINGING THE BELL
FRASIER
I feel guilty for just dumping Roz and Dad at the hotel like that. It was even worse then the last one.
NILES
Well I don't expect they have many tourists here Frasier.
DONNA ANSWERS THE DOOR
NILES (CONT'D)
Hi, is Daphne here?
DONNA
No she's not. Are you Niles?
NILES
Yes I am. Please don't hit me.
DONNA
Fortunately I'm not like my mother-in-law in the slightest. Although you do realise Daphne is likely to end up like her.
NILES
I'm willing to take that chance.
FRASIER
I'm not. She's definitely got to move in with you before she reaches that stage.
NILES
Will you tell me where she is?
DONNA
Normally no, but Stephen's dad has been on the phone and explained and told me to tell you.
FRASIER
Finally a lucky break.
DONNA
The babysitter fell through so Daphne went instead with Stephen to the classical concert at Cannon Hill Park.
NILES
Where?
DONNA
I'll call you a taxi, they'll take you straight there.
NILES
I could kiss you but that's sort of how I got into this trouble.
AS THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE WE:
FADE OUT
(L)
TITLE CARD: 'SURE, HE'S ALLOWED TO BRING MACE INTO THE COUNTRY BUT NOT A CATTLE PROD'
FADE IN:
EXT. CANNON HILL PARK — NIGHT — DAY/4
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Stephen, Man)
A LARGE AREA OF GRASS BEFORE US HAS A STAGE TO THE VERY FAR LEFT IN THE DISTANCE, ON WHICH AN ORCHESTRA PLAYS. SCATTERED ABOUT THE GRASS ARE SEVERAL BEER TENTS AND BURGER VANS. PEOPLE SIT SCATTERED ALL OVER THE GRASS WITH BLANKETS AND PICNICS LISTENING TO THE MUSIC. UNDERNEATH ONE TREE TO THE LEFT DAPHNE AND STEPHEN SIT LISTENING TO THE MUSIC AND DRINKING BEER AS NILES AND FRASIER WALK AROUND ON THEIR RIGHT SCANNING ALL THE FACES
NILES
How are we ever going to find her here? I'll need to clone myself to stand any sort of chance.
FRASIER
See if you can get them to make an announcement for her to meet you.
NILES
And the moment she knows I'm here she'll run a mile.
FRASIER
Then say it's her mother and Grammy Moon's had a stroke or something, she'll come running then.
NILES
And that's an ideal way to get into her good books by telling her that her Grandmother is at deaths door. Why don't I just run over her father as well, that should help my cause.
DAPHNE
Oh my God.
STEPHEN
What? I told you from this distance it might look as if they are impaling the violinists with the trumpets but it's just the angle we're sitting at.
DAPHNE
No, it's Niles and Dr. Crane.
STEPHEN
On stage?
DAPHNE
No you ding bat over there.
STEPHEN
Then what are you going to do?
DAPHNE
Run like hell.
STEPHEN
Good choice. That's the grown up thing to do. Well done.
DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO RUN OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS STEPHEN GIVES HER THE THUMBS UP
NILES
There she is. What's she doing?
FRASIER
My guess would be she's seen you since she's running at full speed in the opposite direction.
NILES STARTS TO RUN AFTER HER
NILES
Daphne! Daphne wait!
FRASIER WALKS OVER TO STEPHEN WHO STANDS TO GREET HIM AND SHAKE HANDS
STEPHEN
Dr. Crane I presume.
FRASIER
Stephen, nice to see you again.
STEPHEN
We've met before?
FRASIER
Sure, at the wedding that never was.
STEPHEN
I was drunk during most of that, my parents were there. Fancy a beer? I have a feeling this will last a while.
FRASIER
I don't mind if I do.
NILES STILL CHASES AFTER DAPHNE
NILES
Daphne will you wait up. I just want to talk to you.
DAPHNE STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE HIM
DAPHNE
You've got nothing to say that I want to hear. Well apart from what the hell happened to your face?
NILES
Your neighbour punched me. The neighbours with the dirty net curtains.
DAPHNE
Oh and that's shortening the list down. Why didn't you say the ones with the English accent? I'd back away from me if I were you before I do the same and I bet I can hit harder.
NILES
Daphne please just let me explain.
DAPHNE
I've thought to myself that if you came here, I might be able to forgive you. It would show that you really cared about me and you were really sorry. But now that you are, and after this morning I don't think I can.
NILES
Daphne trust me, this is not how it appears.
DAPHNE
How I wish I could believe that. I loved you so much.
NILES
Daphne please just listen, don't make me mace you.
DAPHNE
I'm not interested Niles. I still can't even look at you.
DAPHNE TURNS AWAY FROM HIM
NILES
Fine then don't but please hear me out. I haven't been having an affair with Roz.
DAPHNE
You certainly gave a good impression of it.
NILES
Granted it may have looked a tad incriminating but that's not what I was confessing to. Daphne I bought you an engagement ring. I was going to propose to you. I wanted to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. But Roz ate the ring. I was spending so much time with her because I was waiting to get it back. I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The doctors wouldn't do anything, they told us to just wait for nature to take its course. So I tried to give her some laxatives but Dad and Eddie accidentally had it instead. Daphne, please turn around. Give me some sign please that you believe me. Anything. I love you can you ever forgive me? (A LONG PAUSE) I guess not. But that's a pity because I would have rocked your world.
DAPHNE TURNS TOWARDS HIM
DAPHNE
You already have.
SHE WALKS TO HIM AND KISSES HIM
DAPHNE (CONT'D)
Wait rock my world? Where the hell did that come from?
NILES
I have spent the last few days in the company of your brothers. Do you forgive me? I have the ex-ray of the ring if you're at all uncertain that I'm telling the truth.
SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN
NILES (CONT'D)
I guess that's a no then. Well so long at least you considered the question.
DAPHNE
I should be asking for your forgiveness. How could I ever think you would do such a thing? I should have known Roz would eat you alive if you so much as laid a finger on her. I didn't think she'd eat a ring though. How on earth did she manage to eat it anyway?
NILES
I put it on top of some whipped cream.
DAPHNE
Why would you do that?
NILES
I was trying to be romantic.
DAPHNE
Oh very romantic, not many people would force the woman they love out of the country in a flood of tears as an engagement present.
NILES
Will you come home please? I can't bare to be apart from you.
DAPHNE
Of course I will. I love you, you pratt. Do you honestly think I want to stay in the same country as my family? Haven't the last few days made you realise why I moved half way around the world from them in the first place?
NILES
Oh thank God. I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. They've done nothing but torture me since I got here, they've hit me, inebriated me...
DAPHNE
Oh that's not too bad, it's not as if they made you get a tattoo. I can't help but recall you saying something about a ring and a proposal. What was that? I can't remember. Refresh my memory.
NILES
OK now I'm terrified again.
DAPHNE
What about?
NILES
That you'll say no.
DAPHNE
If I wasn't going to say yes, I wouldn't have brought it up. I'd be running in that direction knocking over all old ladies in my path as I go. Doing the grown up thing as Stephen would put it.
NILES
Oh my God.
NILES IMMEDIATELY WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND HUGS HER UNTIL SHE PUSHES HIM OFF
DAPHNE
Wait a second, you're not getting away with it like that. That's far too easy. You still have to ask.
NILES
I knew that.
DAPHNE
I just wish I had somewhere to freshen up first.
NILES
There's no need you look beautiful.
DAPHNE
Oh yeah real beautiful, I've been crying, I bet my makeup's running everywhere.
NILES
Admittedly yes you do have a certain racoonesque quality...
DAPHNE
Oh that's nice.
NILES
But I really like racoons.
DAPHNE
Since when?
NILES
Since it became important for me to like them.
DAPHNE
Anyway I think we're drifting from the point.
NILES LOOKS DOWN AND NOTICES THE MUD ON THE GRASS
NILES
Do you have a handkerchief?
DAPHNE
Not on me.
NILES WALKS OVER TO A COUPLE SETTING OUT A BLANKET ON THE GRASS
NILES
Excuse me. Can I borrow this for just a second? Thanks.
NILES PICKS UP THE BLANKET, PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND THEN KNEELS ON IT
NILES (CONT'D)
I've been planning it for so long, I don't know what to say now that I finally have the chance. Daphne you've brought a joy to my life over the past eight years that I never knew was possible. I'm so in love with you it's been pure torture spending this time without you. I don't ever want to be apart from you ever again.
DAPHNE
Will you just get a move on and say it already?
NILES
Will you make me the happiest man alive? Will you marry me?
DAPHNE
This is all so sudden. I don't know.
NILES
(WORRIED) What? But you said...
DAPHNE
Of course I will you silly sod. Yes, yes. I love you, yes.
SHE KISSES HIM
NILES
Thank God. That was easier then I thought. And I managed to do it without passing out. I'd give you the ring but I think it'll be best if I boil it first.
A MAN WALKS PAST THEM AND OVER HEARS THEIR CONVERSATION
DAPHNE
Can I at least see it and touch it?
NILES
I'd put a rubber glove on first if I were you.
MAN
Bloody perverts.
AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND DAPHNE AND NILES HUG WE:
FADE OUT
(M)
FADE IN:
EXT. SWAN HOTEL ON BROAD STREET — NIGHT — DAY/4
(Daphne)
ALL THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED OUT IN THE HOTEL. SUDDENLY ONE OF THE LIGHTS SWITCHES ON
DAPHNE
(OFF STAGE) Niles who's Blinky? And why does he love me on your backside?
AS THE LIGHT GOES BACK OUT AGAIN WE:
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWOCLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BACK IN THE FRASIER'S KITCHEN WITH A LARGE POT BOILING SOME WATER ON THE STOVE. NILES PUTS SOME SAFETY GOGGLES ON AND THEN REMOVES THE RING FROM THE POT WITH A SET ON TONGS. THEY BOTH EXAMINE THE RING BEFORE DROPPING IT BACK IN THE POT
