The ride back was nothing short of awkward.
After leaving the beach far behind for what Rose hoped was the last time, she slid into the back of the car, staring out at the grey sky. Clouds were rolling in, dark and oblique.
Rose found it appropriate for the mood she was in. Like the storm, a core part of her raged, mounting like a dam ready to break. Her tears threatened to spill just as the sky threatened their own, but like it, they both held it in until there would be nothing left to use to block that dam.
It seemed, she had much in common with storms.
Beside her sat a man, his actions wary and slow, like he was waiting for the dam to break. He was in blue and Converse sneakers, hair sticking out in uncontrollable disarray, eyebrows inquisitive, Brown irises wide and calculating.
Rose could feel him watching her But she wasn't about to face him-not yet. Who he was. What he was. It took a bit more than a few minutes to wrap her head around that one.
A man who was the Doctor, but not a time lord.
A man who had one heart and not two.
A man who was a man and not an alien.
Rose scoffed audibly at that one. No, He was definitely still an alien, but the weird part was that that was the easiest piece of this mess to accept. She had no problems with aliens. It was the alien he was claiming to be that made her falter.
"Did you say something?" Said-alien asked from beside her, and she jolted at the voice. It was still the same, even if he quite literally wasn't. Finally, she met his eyes, for as briefly as she could without appearing hostile. "No. No, just thinkin.'"
He nodded which was her cue that it was okay to return her gaze to the window, the storm, as her mum took the front seat and started the engine.
"So Doctor," Jackie called from the front, putting the car in drive and starting off, the engine bubbling beneath them, "Can we still call ya Doctor? Or is that a bit confusing? Should I call you the Meta-crisis Doctor? Oh, that's a mouthful though, ain't it? I'd shorten it to Meta, but that just seems too feminine."
"Doctor's fine, Jackie," he answered quickly, with a cautious glance at Rose, who caught it from the window's reflection. "Is it all right with you?" He asked her.
Rose was about to say something, but Jackie beat her to it. "'Course it's all right," she answered on her daughter's (or her own) behalf. "Why wouldn't it be? You're the Doctor still, aren't you?"
The Doctor cleared hos throat, clearly uncomfortable with this topic-as of Jackie would have started with a different one. She wasn't exactly a woman prone to beating around the bush. She just saved time by pulling it up by the roots.
"Yes," he finally got out and Rose squirmed in her seat. "Technically, I am."
"Technically? Whaddya mean technically? You either are or you're not. Now which is it?"
"Well, you're Jackie Tyler aren't you?" The Doctor asked. "But you're also not. You're not every version of Jackie Tyler there is. You're one in this world. Parallel world. But to this world, there's another parallel world, and that world, exists a different Jackie Tyler. Or maybe she doesn't exist. Its basically the same thing with me except for a bit of a tweak anatomically."
"Oh!" She suddenly said. "Should we just call ya Clone?"
The Doctor wrinkled his nose. "No. No, that's not good at all."
"I'm just offering suggestions."
"Please don't."
Rose didn't have to look to know a scowl marred her mum's forehead."What? You go by 'Doctor.' That's hardly original."
"Oi, It is original! I'm the only Doctor there is!"
"That's somethin' to say not twenty minutes after another one of ya flew off!"
The bickering felt strangely reassuring-at least that hadn't changed-but Jackie's words made Rose's chest tighten, her throat seeming to close with barely suppressed tears.
She wouldn't cry, though. Not here, not yet. This Doctor was as scared as she, maybe even more. She couldn't lose it in front of him.
Jackie seemed to realize her mistake and looked at Rose in the review mirror. "Sorry, Sweetheart. I didn't mean to-"
But Rose was quick to shake it off, quick to reassure her. "No, it's fine. I'm fine. Really."
She caught the Doctor's stare in her peripheral vision. Clone or not, he was still able to catch the truth woven beneath her words and he knew it wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all.
"So this is the kitchen. Big, ain't it? Wish I were a better cook just to take advantage. Tried a cookin' class once. Didn't end well," Jackie said, showing off the kitchen she really didn't use to the Doctor with Rose trailing behind.
She had to give herself credit for holding it together this long, continuing her mantra, "just a bit longer" until she could go have a well deserved cry. Only then would she be able to decide what she was feeling.
"And this is the drawing room. Yeah, we got a drawing room. Dunno why they call it that," Jackie drowned on. "Am I s'posed to sit in here with a sketchbook and draw stick figures all day?"
"You do know I've been here already," the Doctor added before she could move on to the next room. "Sneaked through' round back as a waiter once."
"Oh, that's right," she said, worrying her nail. "Well, fine then. Rose can show ya to a room. We've got loads of 'em."
With an insistent look, Jackie disappeared up the stairs. Probably to check in on Tony, Rose concluded. It was late, or exceptionally early, for neither him nor Pete to be up and for the first time since...she couldn't even remember, Rose found herself stranded with the Doctor.
She glanced at him just as he did, before both of their gazes skirted away. "C'Mon," Rose said after an awkward beat, trying not to think of blue boxes, whispered words, or warm lips. No, she couldn't think about that.
He obliged, hands buried in his pockets as he traced her steps up the grand staircase, down a labyrinth of decorative halls and to a room. The walls were painted a dark, bluish hue which Rose thought might offer him some comfort, however meager it was.
It held nothing significant, nothing that he was used to. White bedspread, oak desk stationed in the far corner. Matching dressers. Bathroom. It was painfully plain in comparison to all they'd seen.
All her and the Doctor had seen, that was.
He gazed around, marveling appreciatively to a ridiculous degree. He swept a finger over one of the dressers. Rubbed them together. "Quaint," he muttered. Then swiveled around to face her. "Where's your room?"
Her eyebrows piqued and he quickly shook his head, cheeks going red. "You know, just so I know. Where it is. For...precaution, or-" he quickly trailed off, but Rose just gave him a small smile, albeit a little forced. "It's right down the hall," she answered. "Closest door to ya."
It was her turn slightly crimson. "Not that that's the reason I'm pickin' this room. I just thought you'd like...the blue."
Oh, the tension was painfully maybe it was simple awkwardness, but Rose suddenly felt like running away.
The Doctor swallowed visibly, tucking his hands deeper into the recesses of his pockets.
"Rose," he began after a few seconds of silence, her name hanging empty between them. There were a lot of questions in that one word. Lots of what-ifs and what should-have-been's.
He sighed, looking at her in earnest. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't...what you hoped for. But I need you to understand that I'm him. Maybe a bit more sour, but still him. I'm very sorry, though," he added. "That I couldn't be what you wanted."
Rose pursed her lips, nodding at his words. "S'not your fault. I'm not blamin' you," she said quickly, feeling the emotion swell in her throat, causing her next words to break. "And I get it. Sor' of. But the thing is, you being here doesn't mean he's not flying in the Tardis hurtin' somewhere. It doesn't just make that go away."
He nodded, eyes turning downward sadly. "I know. But the Doctor...He thought he was doing what was best for you." It was a pitiful defense, but nonetheless true. And even Rose knew it, whether or not she was willing to accept it.
"I'm not sure what to think. Best thing, worse thing. Its not the first time he's pulled that with me. And I just keep fallin' for it, don't I?"
The Doctor took a step forward but paused, clearly drawing his own conclusions that it wasn't his time yet. "It wasn't an easy decision," was all he could think to say.
"Well that's no better," Rose said, an edge in her voice. There was little point in reining in her tears now; they were going to spill sooner or later. "I don't want to know it was hard for him. It would've been easier if I knew he didn't care as much. Can you tell me that? Can you tell me he felt all right with leavin' me?"
A deliberate pause.
"No," the Doctor whispered. "I can't do that."
Rose felt the storm building, the dam cracking down its foundation. She turned away from him, not wanting him to see. Not wanting him to blame himself for it. "You should-" she coughed. "You should get some sleep. I'll see ya in the morning." And without another look at him, she darted down the hallway and into her room, locking her door behind.
It was just in time. As soon as she stepped inside, the dam broke, severing in two pieces and flooding all compartments, until Rose couldn't breathe. But she didn't fight it. No, she just dove beneath the surface and let it drown her again and again and again.
