Well there are so many awful fics in this category that I honestly did not know where to start, so I'm putting together some of the most common cliches that one encounter.
Disclaimer: No infringement of any copyrights is intended, it's all done for amusement purposes.
'Ginny!' squealed Hermione, as she spied the youngest Weasely, who had now become her bestest friend in entire Hogwarts, the two had had some pretty special female bonding time, kind of like the sorority sisters.
Ginny on catching sight of Hermione on the platform at King's Cross station, ran towards her. 'Hermioneeee, oh my god, I missed you so much' and with another squeal the two of them were lost in giant hugs, squealing all the while, for the author decides that this is the appropriate behaviour expected from a girl.
Drawing back Hermione said with another high pitched squeal which was threatening to turn super sonic any second, 'Oh my god, that's such a cool tank top, where ever did you get it?'
The author usually completely ignores the fact that Ginny is not muggle-born, but instead dresses her up in a wide variety of miniscule clothing, attached with the label of muggle-clothing simply because in the wizarding world you are expected to cover every bit of exposed skin with long, shapeless robes, and therefore anything which shows off skin has to be muggle-clothing! The author's rationality at this point spell-binds the reader's into a daze, from which they quickly recover and proceed to continue reading.
'Oh Hermione, it's from my usual, Versace. Donatella was beginning to tire me out.' It was most certainly not unusual for Ginny to be frequenting designer stores, for the author at some point would have decided that she's come into a large sum of money, and is now an heiress. Her galleons were actually giving Malfoy a run for his!
'Oh Hermione, you look so pretty!' At this Hermione blushed and threw her hair over her shoulders, and it's all in slow-motion so that one can fully appreciate the beauty of it all. Hermione had got what the author at this point would like to call "a make-over"during summer, so that her once bushy hair was now replaced by sleek, glossy locks that were the envy of all woman-kind. She had on pink eye-shadow and pink lipstick because the author generally decides that pink is the most happening shade on earth.
Ron and Harry sauntered over.'Hi Hermione, how was your summer?' queried Ron.
But one look at Hermione and it was enough to send Ron into a hormonal overdrive, while Harry was doing the same with Ginny. The reason being that both girls were now extremely pretty and beautiful and cute and sexy and hot and any other adjectives that the author can think of using at this point, and the best part was that they had both managed to fill out over the summer, so that they now had luscious curves in all the right places.
Once again the author rationales that both girls were hit with an excess of estrogen, so that the effects of puberty which generally take an age-gap of 13-18 to fully manifest, was on this occasion manifested as a puberty-spurt over a span of two months in summer. Exceptions do occur, and once again the author's rationality dazzles the reader.
Hermione and Ginny were now gazing unabashedly at both boys, who had also undergone a puberty-spurt of some sort. Both were lanky and lean and had fine chiselled bodies that could only come from years and years of gruelling training sessions in Quidditch, all of which were conducted over the summer because the author usually decides at this point that summer is the most happening season for make-overs of any sort! Both girls sighed dreamily.
Just then a figure bumps into Ginny and then snarls 'Don't touch me you filthy Weasely, you with your hand-me-down robes are not fit to make contact with me!'
As Ron lunges for Draco, Harry tries to hold him off, because the author would have decided at some point that Draco comes from an abused parentage and hence should be handled with pity, sympathy and compassion, all of which Harry possesses and is filled to the brim with.
Ginny tosses her hair haughtily over her shoulders and says in a matching tone 'You're the one who's unfit to touch my Versace, now I will have to burn it, and all because a filthy Malfoy touched it and it was my favourite too.'
At this bit of revelation Draco's eyes goggled as he realizes that what Ginny says is true. 'Oh my god, so it's true, you are richer than me!' and with that he bursts into tears and runs off. This is usually because the author would have decided that Draco is a very sensitive boy and is man enough to show his feelings and so he snivells at regular intervals.
The Golden Trio then board the train and their entire journey to Hogwarts is completely uneventful for the author decides that kind and sensitive Draco wants to be alone, snivelling and so there are no hexes or curses exchanged. Or there could be a second possibilty, in which case the author decides that Draco has snivelled enough, and is now filled with burning and deep seated resentment accompanied by loathing for one Hermione Granger, for he's noticed how well she's filled out over the summer and cannot stop this growing attraction that he feels for her, feeling the sudden tightness in his pants.
In case of the second possibilty, the said author will concoct a situation where Hermione Granger will be left all alone in the compartment, which is what the rogue Draco Malfoy has been waiting for all along, so that he can have his wicked way with her.
'MUDBLOOD' roars Draco as he slams the compartment door shut behind him. An extremely helpless Hermione whimpers in a corner for the author would have decided at this point to completely ignore that Hermione is the smartest witch in her year and knows a wide variety of spells which can be put to excellent use. So the author in order to create a lot of melodrama will show Hermione getting raped by Draco, because as I pointed out before, Hermione is all alone and the other thousand or so students in the train cannot hear her cries for help.
Or else the author can make Hermione respond to his every touch and every caress with an un-matched and un-briddled passion of her own. But her moans as his mouth works magic on her skin awakens Draco to his pure-blood heritage and so he throws her away from him with a 'You filthy Mudblood' before stomping away, but neither can forget the sensous feel of the other's lips and both are longing for more secretly.
Now that all the melodrama is over, the train speeds to Hogwarts, where once the sorting and the feast is concluded and Harry is hurrying to the common room to sneak a look at Ginny, he's accosted by his arch nemesis Severus Snape.
'Harry you must come with me at once. I have something of great importance to tell you.' And with that Snape runs off towards his favourite hiding spot, the dungeons. Now Harry shrugs and follows him, for it's very often that Snape trusts him with his secrets, and he wants to know more.
As he sits down in Snape's office, Snape paces in front of him.
'It's time you know the truth Harry.' With a heavy sigh he reveals what the author thinks is the most earth-shattering news guaranteed to shake the entire wizarding world. 'You Harry, are my son.'
Now this great revelation is due to the fact that the author decides to completely ignore the fact that Harry looks like Lily and James and that Lily married James and instead rationalizes that Lily was all along in love with Severus, but married James when she found out that she was pregnant with Severus's son, and the reason that Harry looks like James is because charms have been placed on him to conceal his true identity.
Or the author comes up with an extremely perverted Snape who enters Lily's home and bed looking like James thanks to polyjuice potion and gets her pregnant, after which he uses concealment charms on Harry. So then after going to elaborate lengths to conceal that Harry is infact a Snape, why is it being revealed now? The author usually reveals the reason with similar sentences as below.
'The reason I'm telling you all of this now Harry is because a son should know his father!' Snape's lower lip trembles tremulously and he cries 'My son' holding out his arms.
Harry takes in the enormity of the situation and bursts into tears, he now has a man who he can call father, and runs into Snape's open arms.
The author then decides that as Harry is now well established as a Snape, he should be re-sorted into his rightful house Slytherin and should be given the rightful title of "Slytherin God". Now Draco having lost his title of "the wealthiest heir" as well as "Slytherin God" in one day, cannot bear it anymore and runs off to the boy's bathroom to cry his eyes out. A more melodramatic author will decide that he should be given a scalpel and he would be in the process of severing his radial artery when either Hermione or Ginny find him and give him all the sympathy he deserves.
That's it, I'm going to stop now. I could go on and on, there are so many possibilities that I have still not explored. Now wether I turn this into a multi-chaptered story or not depends on the response I get. So please review and let me know if you would like it to be continued. Even if you don't want it to be continued, review anyway. I realize that I may have hurt people's feelings with this fic and that was not my intention at all. This was purely to have a good laugh.
