Disclaimer: I don't own anything, Dick Wolf owns everything - just borrowing them to develop fiction writing skills. ;-)
A/N: Having a long summer of re-runs and no new epis, my imagination has gone into overdrive. This is a post-Endgame piece. This follows my other story The Visit, which deals with Alex visiting Bobby's mother at Carmel Ridge. You don't have to read it to understand this one.
The Worth of a Man
He just sat silently, unaware of how much time had passed since the nurse had told him visiting hours were over. His thoughts were jumbled and he couldn't make them stop. The voices of his mother and Brady pounded in his head. "I know you've got it in you..." Brady had taunted him. "I didn't tell you because I didn't know for sure..." his mother cried. They just wouldn't stop. Over and over again words that had been exchanged kept playing out in his head. "Why do you always do this to me?" his mother yelled. "Are you close to your family?" Brady asked as he watched Bobby's reaction carefully.
Suddenly his cell phone rang, jarring him out of his own dark thoughts. He looked at the caller ID. Eames cell, it read. On one hand, he didn't want to answer it. On the other, he had an overwhelming need to hear her voice. Her voice was the only one that seemed to drive all those others away.
"Hi..." he said, finally answering her call.
"Bobby, I'm sorry if I'm bothering you..." Alex began.
"You never bother me," Bobby replied softly.
"I...just wanted to let you know I'm home," she said. "And I wanted to hear your voice..." He could hear her concern right through the phone. She had offered her basement as a storage space for the few things his mother had owned until he knew what he wanted to do with them. There were only four boxes with a few paintings and things he had no room for in his tiny apartment. He had told her he would bring them by this evening.
"I'm still at Carmel Ridge..." he said.
"Do you need any help there?"
"No, it's...I...I needed some time. There's not much...just a few boxes...I can handle it. I was about to leave."
"Of course, I didn't want to...I mean...I just want you to know I'm here...if you need me."
Bobby felt tears starting to well up in his eyes, "I know...I'm on my way." His voice cracked with emotion as he suddenly found himself desperately wanting to be in her presence.
"Are you all right to drive, Bobby?" she asked.
Swallowing hard and fighting back the on slaught of emotions that were doing battle inside of him, Bobby managed to get control of his voice, "I'll be all right. I...I just have to get out of here."
There was silence at the other end of the line for a few moments. He could picture her worriedly chewing on her bottom lip. "Okay, take your time and call me if you need anything," she finally said, sounding very worried.
"Yea, I...I'll be there soon."
He snapped his cell phone shut, placed it back in his pocket and stood up, rubbed his hands over his face, turned on the light and proceeded to stack the boxes and grabbed the hand truck someone had brought in for him earlier. Even the paintings could sit on the top and hopefully he could do this in one trip. Looking around the room once more for anything he might have missed, Bobby felt tears threatening to return. He had to get out of here and back to Alex.
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Alex kept staring at the cell phone after he had hung up. He sounded so...lost? Tired? Of course he would, his mother just died. How do you think you're going to feel when one of your parents dies? She shook her head and put the phone down on the kitchen counter. That was something she didn't need to think about now. Besides, she had other family members to support her, Bobby had no family. There was just his brother Frank who was more or less useless. He was no help at all and probably just added to Bobby's stress.
She hadn't seen Bobby since he had left 1PP to go see Brady alone. As he was on his way back he got a call from Carmel Ridge saying his mother had taken the expected turn for the worse. Bobby called her and informed her of what was happening. He said nothing of his visit with Brady except to say Brady didn't reveal any more information that would help them find any more victims. Alex almost asked him what Brady might have told him about his mother but hearing the pain in his voice when he spoke with her, she just didn't want to make him have to deal with that now.
Looking over at the kitchen table where she had dropped that yellow note pad with Brady's scribblings, Alex wondered what Bobby was going to do with that piece of information. She had skimmed through it, looking for any references to Frances Goren. There was none. Alex found herself hating Brady even more than she thought possible. Not only was the man a cold blooded rapist and murderer, he was playing mind games with Bobby. The man was a monster.
Glancing at the clock on the wall, Alex noted that Brady would be dead in approximately three hours. Good. The world is better off without him. Bobby is better off without him.
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The knock on her door, jarred her awake. Alex sat up abruptly and realized she had fallen asleep while waiting for Bobby to arrive. She quickly got up and ran to the door, looked through the peephole and saw an exhaused Bobby Goren standing outside with a large box in hand. Turning the deadbolt and opening the door, it took all her self restraint to not grab him by the arms and pull him to her.
"I made it," he said, attempting a smile that didn't quite make it to his eyes.
Alex pulled the door open further to let him in, "Just leave it here and I'll help you get the rest. We'll take everything down to the basement later."
Bobby nodded and wordlessly, they brought in the three other boxes and paintings out of his car and into the house by the door to the basement.
"Why don't we take care of those in the morning," Alex suggested. "You look like you need to lie down and get some sleep."
Sleep...sleep would bring dreams...they would be talking to him again...telling him horrible things about himself... Bobby stared blankly at Alex. There was so much he needed to tell her and so much he was afraid to tell her.
"Bobby?" Alex asked, feeling concerned that he wasn't responding at all to her.
Bobby blinked, trying to clear his head. Looking at Alex he realized he should say something. He opened his mouth to reply but nothing happened. "I was on leave...that's Uncle Mark...you really don't remember?...I was never sure...why do you always have to do this to me...you have it in you.." the voices were getting louder in his head. Now he could even hear Frank. Am I going crazy? Is this what it feels like?
Alex gently touched his arm, "Bobby, come on, let's get you in bed. I think you need to get some rest."
"NO!" he found himself saying a little too loudly and forcefully. He saw Alex flinch and immediately hated himself. He reached for her and pulled her to him. "I'm sorry...I just...there's just so much that...my mind can't stop...I'm sorry."
Wrapping her arms around him, Alex felt her heart breaking for him. She felt absolutely helpless and frustrated. "It's okay, I just don't know how to help you." she said after they had been standing there holding each other for a few minutes.
"You are helping," he replied so softly she almost didn't hear him as he held her tightly to him. "It's just...my mom, she...she confirmed everything before she died. Brady...he and my mom..." Bobby's voice trailed off as his eyes filled with tears. How do I tell her what kind of potential monster I am? Will she still trust me? Do I still trust myself?
As his voice fell silent, Alex could feel him getting tense. She looked up at him and saw the tears now streaming down his face. Without a word she reached behind her, grabbed his hands and pulled him into the living room. Bobby followed her with no resistance. She sat on the sofa pulling him with her. He sat obediently and let her guide his head gently against her shoulder as they both wrapped their arms around each other.
"I'm so...sorry...I..." Bobby began, wanting so much to tell her everything. Everything about what he learned from Brady and his mother and everything he was feeling. He especially wished he could tell her how much he loved her and how little he felt he deserved her love and loyalty.
I called her Bambi...I was on leave...the one woman I could have loved... Brady's voice wouldn't shut up. You have it in you... He could picture Brady's hands as he told them about choking a woman, which then morphed into his own hands around Brady's throat.
"Hush, it's okay, you don't have to apologize for anything," Alex assured him. "Just let yourself grieve, Bobby," she whispered into his ear.
He held her more tightly to him, as she gently stroked his hair. Her touch soothed him as his tortured mind finally started to quiet. The stress of the last few days started to flow out of him along with his tears.
Alex could feel him starting to relax after a few moments. His tears showed no signs of slowing, however. She knew it would be hard on him when his mother finally passed away but she couldn't help but feel there was more to his grief than that. Certainly learning his mother had a history with a serial rapist murderer wasn't helping things. Just thinking of Brady made her skin crawl.
They sat holding each other for a while until Alex realized Bobby had managed to fall asleep, leaning against her shoulder and the back of her sofa. Great, so now what do I do? If I try to get up, I'll wake him for sure. She sighed and resigned herself to an uncomfortable night. Her shoulder was soaked from Bobby's tears and Bobby's weight was pressing her left arm against the back of the sofa making it go numb. Still, there was no way she was going to do anything that might wake him up. Leaning her own head back against the sofa, Alex closed her eyes, letting her own exhaustion help her fall asleep as well.
TBC...hopefully sooner than later.
