Sure, I'm leaving my friends, but I can't handle the pain and burden of this war any longer. How am I supposed to go on ignoring the morals that I have believed in and cherished for so long? How am I expected to go against those morals? I cannot continue killing creatures while still holding on to the belief that every life is precious.
I can't live with myself, lying to my parents every night. My life has become a lie. My parents trusting faces, believing every lie I tell breaks my heart over and over again. If only they knew the true me, the version of me that is a wolf and killing, spilling blood of creatures that I don't know or understand. Would my parents reel back, unable to uphold me, now knowing what I've done? Would they understand, why I killed? Or would they just stare at me with the eyes that once trusted? Stare with eyes that now held the fact that I betrayed them?
This war has ruined my life. It's turning me hard, my emotions no longer spill out like a waterfall. Once I trusted everyone. Now I trust no one. When I look at creatures that I once loved and cared for, at times I no longer feel any emotion. This war could ruin the love I once had for creatures. The thought of that scares me.
As horrible as it sounds I don't want to become Rachel. She scares me with the ferocity that she attacks the enemy. She scares me with the rush she gets with battle. And she scares me when she has finished killing. Did I ever imagine my life full of this much death and destruction? Perhaps the war benefited Rachel, giving her the chance to become the warrior she always has been. But not me. It has haunted me, stalking me every day ever since it began. It mocks me, saying Cassie, the killer with a conscious over and over during the day. Perhaps Rachel doesn't feel like this but I do.
My friends may call me coward and other names, but that doesn't affect me. I cannot live with the war. If they can't understand that, well, it's not my problem. I may be giving up morphing, but if that is the only sacrafice, then I will take it.
Only one thing makes me regret my decision. Jake. The look he gave me when I told them I quit broke my heart a million times over. He was dissapointed in me. He thought I was stronger. Well, Jake, I'm not. I don't have Rachel's strength, or Marco's wit. I don't have his leadership or Tobias's will power. I don't have Ax's knowledge. The only thing I have are my emotions. And if I stay in this war.....I'm afraid I will lose those also.
