Title: Decisions
Author: Christina
Rating: PG-13, language
Disclaimer: Characters are the sole source of Cowlip,
Showtime...whatever. I did not create them myself.
Distribution: no clue
Summary: Justin gives Brian an ultimatum.
Author's Note: It's my first story.
Many thanks to my beta Chrys. Also to anyone who read the story
before hand and encouraged me.
I sit there, staring at the list for hours. Mikey, Gus and Lindsay,
three very good reasons. But then I glance ever at the other half of
the list. I'm thirty years old, and I've fucked nearly the entire
population of Pittsburgh. I could move, but then again, no one wants
to hire a thirty-year-old, washed up, ad exec! That alone outweighs
all the other reasons. I know I'm missing something on the list, but
I really haven't decided which side I should put him on yet.
"What are you doing?"
I look up from the pad to see Justin standing there. "I'm thinking
about life and death. If I should bother to continue living mine." I
raise an eyebrow at him as he stands there staring at me.
"That's not funny, Brian."
I shrug as I get up from the bed.
"Do you see me laughing Justin?"
I carry the pad to the kitchen, and it's no surprise to see that he
follows me like some stray puppy dog I picked up.
"B-but, you can't be serious! Think about Gus, and Lindsay and Mikey!
How would they feel? Gus needs you, Brian!"
I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to say, "What about
me?" But he doesn't - instead he stares at me, pleadingly, with those
baby blue eyes. Thought about it, don't give a shit, really; their
lives won't end if I'm not around. I pull open the fridge as I slide
the pad across the counter top. Justin catches it: he picks it up and
begins to read.
"This is your reason for wanting to die? Turning thirty?"
He scoffs at me as I pull out the ingredients for my shake. "Yup,
can't think of a better reason than that," I remark as a take a bite
of an apple.
"And where do I fit in on this list, Brian?
I don't answer him as I begin to prepare the ingredients for my
shake. I know him so well that I can tell he's starting to cry with
out even looking at him. "Allergies again, huh? Guess I should dust
more often in here." I press the button on the blender just as he
begins to yell at me.
"Sorry, were you saying something?" I smirk at him as I pour my shake
into the glass.
"You're an asshole, you know that? A real fucking bastard! You love
me and you know it; yet you refuse to admit it. Why?"
I swallow the shake halfheartedly and put the cup down in the sink.
Leaning against the counter and stare at him. "You want to know why,
Justin?" I question rather harshly and, although he knows the answer
isn't going to be pleasant, he wants to hear it anyway.
"I'll tell you why, for years I had no one but myself. No one to
love me, to give a shit about me; no one to tuck me into bed at night
and tell me those happy little bullshit stories before I fell asleep."
"My parents didn't love me, and I never loved them. My sister wasn't
any better to me either and they usually treated me as if I never
even existed."
"So, I started to make trouble for myself because A): No one really
gave a fuck about what I did or didn't do and B): Being nice got you
absolutely jack shit."
I pause to take a deep breath and walk over to the closet, searching
for something to wear. All the Armani suits, the Prada shoes, Gucci
belts- my DVD collection, even the designer drugs, they meant
absolutely nothing at all. Well, except for the fact that I had money
and style. I turn around as I grab a shirt from the closet and toss
it onto the bed.
"Then I meet Mikey. He's alone in the corner of the cafeteria one day
and I'm by myself...I was the kid nobody wanted their sons to play
with. I'm sitting there, eating my lunch, when I see a couple of
kids go over to him and start harassing him. I walk over there with
my lunch tray, slam it down on the table and stare those kids cold
and hard right in the eye with a menacing glare. They knew I was
trouble and backed off immediately. I tell them that if I ever found
out they were fucking around with my friend I'd kick their asses so
hard they wouldn't be able to sit for a week. From then on, Mikey
and & I became inseparable, he looked up to me like I was his own
personal superhero…and his family became mine in a way." We really
had some great times Mikey and I.
I'm getting off track here. I shake my head and take a deep breath
pausing as I look over at Justin. "Fast – forward sixteen years and
picture me…Brian Kinney, who didn't even go to his own damn prom
standing in front of the ST. James Academy. For the first time in my
life, I finally felt happy."
My voice trails off and I find myself grinning as I recall the
night's events, swirling Justin around on the dance floor, holding
him close as I stared into his bright blue eyes.
And then Chris Hobbes happened. My smile fades quickly and I turn
away.
"I wasn't allowed to feel happy for a measly fucking hour!" I turn
back to face him, swallowing my tears. "So, tell me, Justin, why
should I sit around for another thirty years waiting for just one
more chance to be happy again?"
He doesn't say a word to me, and we stand in complete silence for
what seems like eternity. Our heartbeats echo throughout the room
until finally Justin makes a move. He approaches me apprehensively,
as if I may snap and fling him across the room. I don't blame him
though; I never know what to expect from myself. Reaching out with a
soft smile he places his hand against my cheek gently stroking it
with his thumb.
"Because I love you?" He whispers.
I gaze deep into his eyes, staring deep down into his soul. I can
actually feel his hurt and his nervousness as he leans in slowly, his
lips graze against mine and we kiss. I don't make much of an effort
and he pulls away with a pained expression on his face, as though
he's about to cry but he would never in front of me.
"I'd better get ready for work. I have an important meeting today
that I can't be la…" my voice trails off as I stare at him blankly.
I squeeze my eyes shut forcing myself to reveal only blackness and
willing him to just go away. My eyes flutter open and he's still
standing there with tears in his eyes. I swallow the large lump that
had been forming in my throat. How could I do this to him? He
deserves someone who will love him the way he needs to be loved,
someone who won't break his heart with out even thinking twice. What
the fuck did he see in me anyway? I clear my throat and try to
organize my thoughts into something intelligible. Tilting my head
slightly I look up at him but quickly look away. My eyes dart around
the room trying to focus on anything but him. Is it supposed to hurt
this much? Why should it even hurt me at all? He means nothing to
me and he never will….
"Justin…I think that…." I can feel the tears start to well in my
eyes as they sting sharply. "You need to go and forget about me and
everyone else… Gus, Linds… Mikey, Ted, Emmett…and Melanie. You
should…"
"But all I want is you Brian!" He shakes his head defiantly. "I
want you more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life." He
looks up at me as if he's awaiting my approval of what he's saying
but I just listen to what he's saying and then slowly he says the
three words that finally bring me back to orbit. "I need you"
Again silence fills the room but I quickly shatter it. "I think you
should go now."
He can't hide his tears from me any longer and he starts to fly
through the loft grabbing his things and shoving them into his
backpack. Frantically he grabs his clothes and starts to pull them
on. He stops briefly at the door and turns around to face me, his
face strewn with tears. "I'm not coming back this time…there's
nothing you can say or do to make it happen…except…'I love you' "
With that he slams the door shut.
I jump at the loud sound and finally I gather my things and head off
to work.
3 weeks later
I lean over at the bar and groan as I see Mikey's goofy face walking
towards me in the mirror. "Go away" I state firmly not even
bothering to turn around.
"You haven't even moved from the bar all night. Aren't you going to
come down and dance?"
I turn around with a heavy sigh. "If I wanted to dance I'd go down
and dance. Obviously I really don't give a fuck about dancing." I
roll my eyes as I take a sip of my scotch finishing off my 4th glass…
or was it 5…maybe 6? I can't really remember. "I'm leaving, I have a
major presentation tomorrow." Mikey shakes his head and follows me
out the door. "What do you want Mikey?" I growl as I reach into my
pockets and pull out a cigarette. My hands fumble with the lighter
and I almost burn myself but Mikey helps me to light it. I take a
deep drag and exhale blowing the smoke out to the side.
"I'm worried about you Brian. You barely do anything with me or the
guys, it's like pulling teeth to come and get you out of the house."
I snort as I look down at my fingernails. "Maybe it's because I'm
busy?" I could go for a manicure soon. I hear Mikey rambling on in
the background but I've managed to tune him out.
"Are you even fucking listening to anything I'm saying?" He yells at
me demanding my attention. I straighten up and look at him
annoyed. "Yes mother…I'll be sure to eat all my meals tomorrow like
a good little boy." He starts to yell at me some more and look over
his shoulder to see Justin walking into Babylon. I push past Mikey
and toss my butt down on the ground. "Justin!" I yell as I walk
over towards him. "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?"
He stops and looks back over his shoulder. "I told you what you had
to do." He says very coldly.
I'm about to reply when a tall, black haired, hazel-eyed man appears
behind Justin and wraps his arms tightly around his waist and kisses
him. He looks down at me and jerks his head. "Is this your friend
honey?" He asks Justin sweetly. He extends his hand for a
shake. "Hi, I'm Tony and…"
"He's no one." Justin states firmly as he pulls Tony's hand
away. "Let's go inside now, it's too cold out here." As he ushers
Tony quickly inside Justin looks back over at me quickly and
disappears into the crowd.
I hear Mikey yelling my name in the background but I head straight to
the Jeep not wanting to talk to anyone right now.
As soon as I get into the loft I strip down, shower and head straight
to bed. Pulling the covers over my bare body I reach over to the
night table and pull out the list. Frantically my hand races across
the paper and when I'm all done the pen drops to the floor, my heart
is beating heavily. My decision has been made.
The next morning I awake to not the alarm clock but to the sweet
sound of my name. "Brian honey, time to wake up dear…" a soft voice
calls from nearby.
"Justin? Is that you?" I question hopefully as I try and focus.
"No, it's the fucking tooth (trick) fairy…now get your ass up before
you're late for work Brian."
I crack one eye open and moan as Michael's figure looms into
view. "Oh…it's you." My head falls back onto the pillow as I turn
the other way from him. He whacks me with a pillow and I grab it
quickly before he can pull it back. I lay still for a moment or two
clutching the pillow and then with a swift movement I bolt up right
and swing the pillow right into Mikey's gut. "Don't ever fucking
trick me like that again asshole."
I fly from the bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth and
shave. I can hear him whining from the bedroom and then all of a
sudden he quiets down. "That was a quick recovery" I grin as I pull
something to wear from the closet.
"Uh, yeah…." He smiles nervously. "Come out with us to Woody's
tonight. The guys and I miss you."
"Sorry but I need to work on an account tonight." I bend over and
pull up my pants tucking the shirt in. "Ryder's been up my ass about
it for the whole week." I buckle the pants and stretch out my arms
making room in the shirt. Turning back into the closet I pull out a
tie and start to loop it around my neck. "Maybe on Saturday
though." I grin as I tug at the tie and walk down the stairs to grab
my briefcase.
He sighs frustrated and tosses me my keys. "I don't have time for
the diner today so I'll drop you off ok?"
He just nods at me as we get into the car. "Do you think maybe you
could come by even for…"
"Mikey, I said no." I pull up to the diner and park the car.
Smiling I lean in and kiss him softly. "I love you"
Before he has a chance to respond I push him out the door. "And tell
your mom thank you!" With that I pull away sharply from the curb and
drive to work. Work has been my only solace these days; it's the
only time I can forget about him.
Back at the Diner
"I told him what he had to do Michael and I'm standing my ground, I
refuse to be hurt any longer by him." Justin informs Michael
indignantly.
"You don't understand Justin…he's serious about this whole thing. I
even found…"
Justin quickly interrupts Mikey and stares at him matter of
factly. "A list? I know all about the list, read it myself
actually." He shrugs as he takes a bite of his bagel. "But let's
face it Michael, Brian's a strong man and he hasn't exactly fucked
the absolute entire population of Pittsburgh either and…."
Mikey shakes his head vehemently and grabs Justin by the shoulders
thrusting the list in his hand. "Read it again…I think you missed
something." He declares firmly as Justin finally gives in and reads
the list over.
"I told you I…" His voice trails off as he reads the newest addition
under reasons why my life is not worth living. The paper shakes
gently as Justin continues to stare at the words. "I'm terrified to
tell Justin how I really feel about him even though I do love him and
he'll never want me again because I can't fucking say it! He's
forgotten about me already and I can't forget about him as easily"
He looks up at Mikey terrified. "Do you really think he would…" he
can't even bring himself to say it.
Michael just nods. "This is something I can't help him with…his life
depends on you Justin." He whispers solemnly.
Quickly Justin flies out of the diner and jumps into his car.
Running 3 red lights and almost killing 2 pedestrians he manages to
make the 20-minute ride to Brian's office in only 5 minutes.
"Where is he? I need to speak with Brian now, this can not wait!"
Justin demands to Cynthia as he looks up at him flustered.
"I…uh…he's not here Justin."
"Where the fuck did he go?"
"He left early…something about not feeling well and having a date
with death…he wasn't making sense the entire day so I…" She stumbles
to get the words out as Justin's face expresses shock. "Is something
wrong?"
"Thank you!" He yells already on his way down. Halfway to Brian's
he gets pulled over by a cop. He nervously continues to glance at
his watch wishing the officer would just hurry up. He doesn't smile
his sweet usual smile as usual.
"Please officer can you just hurry the fuck up? This is important!"
Back at the loft
I decide there's no reason to write a note, I mean if they don't know
why I did it then they really never knew me and I don't give a fuck.
Gus was beautiful as usual when I went to say goodbye, he almost
changed my mind but then I saw that picture Justin had drawn of him
and Lindsay together and my resolve was shattered quickly.
Besides, I'd already worked things out with my lawyer; most of my
money would go to Gus, some things to Linds and Michael as well.
There was no turning back now.
I pull off my suit and hang it up in the closet as usual. Reaching
over I click on the CD player and music fills the air. Nothing sappy
though, that's the last thing I need. I don myself in the hottest
looking thing I can find which is my leather pants, and Hugo Boss top.
I grab my jacket and pull out the vial Anita had given me. I don't
know why I'd trust her anymore after all the bad shit she given me.
I sigh as I down a few pills and wait. Whatever she cooked up isn't
nearly as strong as she claimed it would be. Looks like this could
take a while. My eyes fall upon the bar and I figure why the hell
not? I grab a glass but put it down and just take the bottle
instead. I swallow practically half the bottle before I even get to
the bed.
I drop down into the warm covers laying my head down on the pillow
feeling at ease. I can't even remember his name….
The muscles in my hands start to relax and I feel the bottle slip
from my hands and I hear it rolling down the stairs finally
shattering as it makes contact with something.
My eyes begin to close as I hear the door buzzer. They'll go away….
Justin calls for Brian down from the sidewalk of his building. After
numerous attempts at calling him fail and he doesn't respond to the
doorbell he tears his car apart looking for the key Brian had given
him. He never had the strength to give it back because if he did it
was finally admitting he was through with Brian. If only he hadn't
been so damn stubborn, he shouldn't have pushed him so hard.
Digging deep under the passenger seat he pulls out the key he had
been looking for. Slamming his door shut he runs up the steps and
into the building.
"Brian! Are you in here Brian?" He yells as he throws the sliding
door open and ventures nervously into the loft. Part of him is
hoping that Brian will appear any minute now and tell him to return
his key and get the fuck out of here…but nothing.
He inches towards the bathroom with fear and sighs in a heavy relief
when he finds nothing. He had to be here though, music was playing
and his car was out front. Trepidation surged through his body as he
made his way over to the bedroom. He hears a loud crunch and he
looks down to find the smashed bottle down at his feet. He jerks his
head towards the bedroom and gasps in horror.
"Brian!" He stares at Brian's lifeless body in shock, Justin's body
frozen in time almost afraid to move.
Finally he breaks free from his stupor and runs to Brian's side
quickly.
"Brian? Can you hear me?" He yells loudly as he shakes Brian's body
violently.
He leans in and presses his ear against Brian's chest, hearing a very
faint heartbeat.
All he wants to do is cry but there's no time for that. He can't let
Brian slip away like that. He manages to slip behind Brian's body
and wrap his arms around him tightly. Very carefully he manages to
pull Brian from the bed and drag him into the bathroom. He positions
Brian so he's sitting up over toilet bowl. His arms firmly around
Brian's body Justin reaches his hand to his mouth and sticks it as
far down Brian's mouth as he can get it to go.
"Please Brian…wake up" He cries as he waits for any type of reaction
from Brian. All of a sudden Justin feels Brian's body jerk from his
arms and he starts to cough loudly. He pulls his hand away as he
realizes Brian is about to spew. Very weakly Brian manages to tilt
his head into the bowl and pukes his brains out.
Justin smiles nervously with relief glad that Brian hadn't slipped
out of his arms forever.
While Brian is busy puking he heads inside quickly and dials 911
giving them the address. He runs back inside to Brian's side. His
head is tucked into the bowl, too weak to move. Justin pulls a wash
cloth from the cabinet and wets it with cool water. Kneeling down on
the floor he gently lifts Brian's head and cradles him carefully in
his arms. He runs the cool cloth over Brian's face and forehead
caressing his body gingerly.
I tilt my head back and manage to open my eyes faintly; the lights
too bright and I shut them quickly. I try to open my mouth and speak
but he places a fingertip over my dry lips.
"Justin…" I manage to croak out, it's so hard to speak my throat is
killing me.
"Don't speak Brian it can wait." He soothes as he lifts a glass to
my lips and slowly pours a steady stream of water into my mouth.
I swallow slowly and try to lift my hand up to his face but I'm too
weak to move.
"Shhh, the ambulance is on the way, you're going to be fine."
I concentrate hard and picture him holding me in his arms. He has a
soft smile on his face and he's stroking my cheek with his thumb.
My eyes flutter rapidly, and I try to stay awake but it's a losing
battle. "I love you." I whisper the words softly as I relax into
Justin's loving embrace.
Author: Christina
Rating: PG-13, language
Disclaimer: Characters are the sole source of Cowlip,
Showtime...whatever. I did not create them myself.
Distribution: no clue
Summary: Justin gives Brian an ultimatum.
Author's Note: It's my first story.
Many thanks to my beta Chrys. Also to anyone who read the story
before hand and encouraged me.
I sit there, staring at the list for hours. Mikey, Gus and Lindsay,
three very good reasons. But then I glance ever at the other half of
the list. I'm thirty years old, and I've fucked nearly the entire
population of Pittsburgh. I could move, but then again, no one wants
to hire a thirty-year-old, washed up, ad exec! That alone outweighs
all the other reasons. I know I'm missing something on the list, but
I really haven't decided which side I should put him on yet.
"What are you doing?"
I look up from the pad to see Justin standing there. "I'm thinking
about life and death. If I should bother to continue living mine." I
raise an eyebrow at him as he stands there staring at me.
"That's not funny, Brian."
I shrug as I get up from the bed.
"Do you see me laughing Justin?"
I carry the pad to the kitchen, and it's no surprise to see that he
follows me like some stray puppy dog I picked up.
"B-but, you can't be serious! Think about Gus, and Lindsay and Mikey!
How would they feel? Gus needs you, Brian!"
I can tell by the look in his eyes that he wants to say, "What about
me?" But he doesn't - instead he stares at me, pleadingly, with those
baby blue eyes. Thought about it, don't give a shit, really; their
lives won't end if I'm not around. I pull open the fridge as I slide
the pad across the counter top. Justin catches it: he picks it up and
begins to read.
"This is your reason for wanting to die? Turning thirty?"
He scoffs at me as I pull out the ingredients for my shake. "Yup,
can't think of a better reason than that," I remark as a take a bite
of an apple.
"And where do I fit in on this list, Brian?
I don't answer him as I begin to prepare the ingredients for my
shake. I know him so well that I can tell he's starting to cry with
out even looking at him. "Allergies again, huh? Guess I should dust
more often in here." I press the button on the blender just as he
begins to yell at me.
"Sorry, were you saying something?" I smirk at him as I pour my shake
into the glass.
"You're an asshole, you know that? A real fucking bastard! You love
me and you know it; yet you refuse to admit it. Why?"
I swallow the shake halfheartedly and put the cup down in the sink.
Leaning against the counter and stare at him. "You want to know why,
Justin?" I question rather harshly and, although he knows the answer
isn't going to be pleasant, he wants to hear it anyway.
"I'll tell you why, for years I had no one but myself. No one to
love me, to give a shit about me; no one to tuck me into bed at night
and tell me those happy little bullshit stories before I fell asleep."
"My parents didn't love me, and I never loved them. My sister wasn't
any better to me either and they usually treated me as if I never
even existed."
"So, I started to make trouble for myself because A): No one really
gave a fuck about what I did or didn't do and B): Being nice got you
absolutely jack shit."
I pause to take a deep breath and walk over to the closet, searching
for something to wear. All the Armani suits, the Prada shoes, Gucci
belts- my DVD collection, even the designer drugs, they meant
absolutely nothing at all. Well, except for the fact that I had money
and style. I turn around as I grab a shirt from the closet and toss
it onto the bed.
"Then I meet Mikey. He's alone in the corner of the cafeteria one day
and I'm by myself...I was the kid nobody wanted their sons to play
with. I'm sitting there, eating my lunch, when I see a couple of
kids go over to him and start harassing him. I walk over there with
my lunch tray, slam it down on the table and stare those kids cold
and hard right in the eye with a menacing glare. They knew I was
trouble and backed off immediately. I tell them that if I ever found
out they were fucking around with my friend I'd kick their asses so
hard they wouldn't be able to sit for a week. From then on, Mikey
and & I became inseparable, he looked up to me like I was his own
personal superhero…and his family became mine in a way." We really
had some great times Mikey and I.
I'm getting off track here. I shake my head and take a deep breath
pausing as I look over at Justin. "Fast – forward sixteen years and
picture me…Brian Kinney, who didn't even go to his own damn prom
standing in front of the ST. James Academy. For the first time in my
life, I finally felt happy."
My voice trails off and I find myself grinning as I recall the
night's events, swirling Justin around on the dance floor, holding
him close as I stared into his bright blue eyes.
And then Chris Hobbes happened. My smile fades quickly and I turn
away.
"I wasn't allowed to feel happy for a measly fucking hour!" I turn
back to face him, swallowing my tears. "So, tell me, Justin, why
should I sit around for another thirty years waiting for just one
more chance to be happy again?"
He doesn't say a word to me, and we stand in complete silence for
what seems like eternity. Our heartbeats echo throughout the room
until finally Justin makes a move. He approaches me apprehensively,
as if I may snap and fling him across the room. I don't blame him
though; I never know what to expect from myself. Reaching out with a
soft smile he places his hand against my cheek gently stroking it
with his thumb.
"Because I love you?" He whispers.
I gaze deep into his eyes, staring deep down into his soul. I can
actually feel his hurt and his nervousness as he leans in slowly, his
lips graze against mine and we kiss. I don't make much of an effort
and he pulls away with a pained expression on his face, as though
he's about to cry but he would never in front of me.
"I'd better get ready for work. I have an important meeting today
that I can't be la…" my voice trails off as I stare at him blankly.
I squeeze my eyes shut forcing myself to reveal only blackness and
willing him to just go away. My eyes flutter open and he's still
standing there with tears in his eyes. I swallow the large lump that
had been forming in my throat. How could I do this to him? He
deserves someone who will love him the way he needs to be loved,
someone who won't break his heart with out even thinking twice. What
the fuck did he see in me anyway? I clear my throat and try to
organize my thoughts into something intelligible. Tilting my head
slightly I look up at him but quickly look away. My eyes dart around
the room trying to focus on anything but him. Is it supposed to hurt
this much? Why should it even hurt me at all? He means nothing to
me and he never will….
"Justin…I think that…." I can feel the tears start to well in my
eyes as they sting sharply. "You need to go and forget about me and
everyone else… Gus, Linds… Mikey, Ted, Emmett…and Melanie. You
should…"
"But all I want is you Brian!" He shakes his head defiantly. "I
want you more than anything else I've ever wanted in my life." He
looks up at me as if he's awaiting my approval of what he's saying
but I just listen to what he's saying and then slowly he says the
three words that finally bring me back to orbit. "I need you"
Again silence fills the room but I quickly shatter it. "I think you
should go now."
He can't hide his tears from me any longer and he starts to fly
through the loft grabbing his things and shoving them into his
backpack. Frantically he grabs his clothes and starts to pull them
on. He stops briefly at the door and turns around to face me, his
face strewn with tears. "I'm not coming back this time…there's
nothing you can say or do to make it happen…except…'I love you' "
With that he slams the door shut.
I jump at the loud sound and finally I gather my things and head off
to work.
3 weeks later
I lean over at the bar and groan as I see Mikey's goofy face walking
towards me in the mirror. "Go away" I state firmly not even
bothering to turn around.
"You haven't even moved from the bar all night. Aren't you going to
come down and dance?"
I turn around with a heavy sigh. "If I wanted to dance I'd go down
and dance. Obviously I really don't give a fuck about dancing." I
roll my eyes as I take a sip of my scotch finishing off my 4th glass…
or was it 5…maybe 6? I can't really remember. "I'm leaving, I have a
major presentation tomorrow." Mikey shakes his head and follows me
out the door. "What do you want Mikey?" I growl as I reach into my
pockets and pull out a cigarette. My hands fumble with the lighter
and I almost burn myself but Mikey helps me to light it. I take a
deep drag and exhale blowing the smoke out to the side.
"I'm worried about you Brian. You barely do anything with me or the
guys, it's like pulling teeth to come and get you out of the house."
I snort as I look down at my fingernails. "Maybe it's because I'm
busy?" I could go for a manicure soon. I hear Mikey rambling on in
the background but I've managed to tune him out.
"Are you even fucking listening to anything I'm saying?" He yells at
me demanding my attention. I straighten up and look at him
annoyed. "Yes mother…I'll be sure to eat all my meals tomorrow like
a good little boy." He starts to yell at me some more and look over
his shoulder to see Justin walking into Babylon. I push past Mikey
and toss my butt down on the ground. "Justin!" I yell as I walk
over towards him. "Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls?"
He stops and looks back over his shoulder. "I told you what you had
to do." He says very coldly.
I'm about to reply when a tall, black haired, hazel-eyed man appears
behind Justin and wraps his arms tightly around his waist and kisses
him. He looks down at me and jerks his head. "Is this your friend
honey?" He asks Justin sweetly. He extends his hand for a
shake. "Hi, I'm Tony and…"
"He's no one." Justin states firmly as he pulls Tony's hand
away. "Let's go inside now, it's too cold out here." As he ushers
Tony quickly inside Justin looks back over at me quickly and
disappears into the crowd.
I hear Mikey yelling my name in the background but I head straight to
the Jeep not wanting to talk to anyone right now.
As soon as I get into the loft I strip down, shower and head straight
to bed. Pulling the covers over my bare body I reach over to the
night table and pull out the list. Frantically my hand races across
the paper and when I'm all done the pen drops to the floor, my heart
is beating heavily. My decision has been made.
The next morning I awake to not the alarm clock but to the sweet
sound of my name. "Brian honey, time to wake up dear…" a soft voice
calls from nearby.
"Justin? Is that you?" I question hopefully as I try and focus.
"No, it's the fucking tooth (trick) fairy…now get your ass up before
you're late for work Brian."
I crack one eye open and moan as Michael's figure looms into
view. "Oh…it's you." My head falls back onto the pillow as I turn
the other way from him. He whacks me with a pillow and I grab it
quickly before he can pull it back. I lay still for a moment or two
clutching the pillow and then with a swift movement I bolt up right
and swing the pillow right into Mikey's gut. "Don't ever fucking
trick me like that again asshole."
I fly from the bed and into the bathroom to brush my teeth and
shave. I can hear him whining from the bedroom and then all of a
sudden he quiets down. "That was a quick recovery" I grin as I pull
something to wear from the closet.
"Uh, yeah…." He smiles nervously. "Come out with us to Woody's
tonight. The guys and I miss you."
"Sorry but I need to work on an account tonight." I bend over and
pull up my pants tucking the shirt in. "Ryder's been up my ass about
it for the whole week." I buckle the pants and stretch out my arms
making room in the shirt. Turning back into the closet I pull out a
tie and start to loop it around my neck. "Maybe on Saturday
though." I grin as I tug at the tie and walk down the stairs to grab
my briefcase.
He sighs frustrated and tosses me my keys. "I don't have time for
the diner today so I'll drop you off ok?"
He just nods at me as we get into the car. "Do you think maybe you
could come by even for…"
"Mikey, I said no." I pull up to the diner and park the car.
Smiling I lean in and kiss him softly. "I love you"
Before he has a chance to respond I push him out the door. "And tell
your mom thank you!" With that I pull away sharply from the curb and
drive to work. Work has been my only solace these days; it's the
only time I can forget about him.
Back at the Diner
"I told him what he had to do Michael and I'm standing my ground, I
refuse to be hurt any longer by him." Justin informs Michael
indignantly.
"You don't understand Justin…he's serious about this whole thing. I
even found…"
Justin quickly interrupts Mikey and stares at him matter of
factly. "A list? I know all about the list, read it myself
actually." He shrugs as he takes a bite of his bagel. "But let's
face it Michael, Brian's a strong man and he hasn't exactly fucked
the absolute entire population of Pittsburgh either and…."
Mikey shakes his head vehemently and grabs Justin by the shoulders
thrusting the list in his hand. "Read it again…I think you missed
something." He declares firmly as Justin finally gives in and reads
the list over.
"I told you I…" His voice trails off as he reads the newest addition
under reasons why my life is not worth living. The paper shakes
gently as Justin continues to stare at the words. "I'm terrified to
tell Justin how I really feel about him even though I do love him and
he'll never want me again because I can't fucking say it! He's
forgotten about me already and I can't forget about him as easily"
He looks up at Mikey terrified. "Do you really think he would…" he
can't even bring himself to say it.
Michael just nods. "This is something I can't help him with…his life
depends on you Justin." He whispers solemnly.
Quickly Justin flies out of the diner and jumps into his car.
Running 3 red lights and almost killing 2 pedestrians he manages to
make the 20-minute ride to Brian's office in only 5 minutes.
"Where is he? I need to speak with Brian now, this can not wait!"
Justin demands to Cynthia as he looks up at him flustered.
"I…uh…he's not here Justin."
"Where the fuck did he go?"
"He left early…something about not feeling well and having a date
with death…he wasn't making sense the entire day so I…" She stumbles
to get the words out as Justin's face expresses shock. "Is something
wrong?"
"Thank you!" He yells already on his way down. Halfway to Brian's
he gets pulled over by a cop. He nervously continues to glance at
his watch wishing the officer would just hurry up. He doesn't smile
his sweet usual smile as usual.
"Please officer can you just hurry the fuck up? This is important!"
Back at the loft
I decide there's no reason to write a note, I mean if they don't know
why I did it then they really never knew me and I don't give a fuck.
Gus was beautiful as usual when I went to say goodbye, he almost
changed my mind but then I saw that picture Justin had drawn of him
and Lindsay together and my resolve was shattered quickly.
Besides, I'd already worked things out with my lawyer; most of my
money would go to Gus, some things to Linds and Michael as well.
There was no turning back now.
I pull off my suit and hang it up in the closet as usual. Reaching
over I click on the CD player and music fills the air. Nothing sappy
though, that's the last thing I need. I don myself in the hottest
looking thing I can find which is my leather pants, and Hugo Boss top.
I grab my jacket and pull out the vial Anita had given me. I don't
know why I'd trust her anymore after all the bad shit she given me.
I sigh as I down a few pills and wait. Whatever she cooked up isn't
nearly as strong as she claimed it would be. Looks like this could
take a while. My eyes fall upon the bar and I figure why the hell
not? I grab a glass but put it down and just take the bottle
instead. I swallow practically half the bottle before I even get to
the bed.
I drop down into the warm covers laying my head down on the pillow
feeling at ease. I can't even remember his name….
The muscles in my hands start to relax and I feel the bottle slip
from my hands and I hear it rolling down the stairs finally
shattering as it makes contact with something.
My eyes begin to close as I hear the door buzzer. They'll go away….
Justin calls for Brian down from the sidewalk of his building. After
numerous attempts at calling him fail and he doesn't respond to the
doorbell he tears his car apart looking for the key Brian had given
him. He never had the strength to give it back because if he did it
was finally admitting he was through with Brian. If only he hadn't
been so damn stubborn, he shouldn't have pushed him so hard.
Digging deep under the passenger seat he pulls out the key he had
been looking for. Slamming his door shut he runs up the steps and
into the building.
"Brian! Are you in here Brian?" He yells as he throws the sliding
door open and ventures nervously into the loft. Part of him is
hoping that Brian will appear any minute now and tell him to return
his key and get the fuck out of here…but nothing.
He inches towards the bathroom with fear and sighs in a heavy relief
when he finds nothing. He had to be here though, music was playing
and his car was out front. Trepidation surged through his body as he
made his way over to the bedroom. He hears a loud crunch and he
looks down to find the smashed bottle down at his feet. He jerks his
head towards the bedroom and gasps in horror.
"Brian!" He stares at Brian's lifeless body in shock, Justin's body
frozen in time almost afraid to move.
Finally he breaks free from his stupor and runs to Brian's side
quickly.
"Brian? Can you hear me?" He yells loudly as he shakes Brian's body
violently.
He leans in and presses his ear against Brian's chest, hearing a very
faint heartbeat.
All he wants to do is cry but there's no time for that. He can't let
Brian slip away like that. He manages to slip behind Brian's body
and wrap his arms around him tightly. Very carefully he manages to
pull Brian from the bed and drag him into the bathroom. He positions
Brian so he's sitting up over toilet bowl. His arms firmly around
Brian's body Justin reaches his hand to his mouth and sticks it as
far down Brian's mouth as he can get it to go.
"Please Brian…wake up" He cries as he waits for any type of reaction
from Brian. All of a sudden Justin feels Brian's body jerk from his
arms and he starts to cough loudly. He pulls his hand away as he
realizes Brian is about to spew. Very weakly Brian manages to tilt
his head into the bowl and pukes his brains out.
Justin smiles nervously with relief glad that Brian hadn't slipped
out of his arms forever.
While Brian is busy puking he heads inside quickly and dials 911
giving them the address. He runs back inside to Brian's side. His
head is tucked into the bowl, too weak to move. Justin pulls a wash
cloth from the cabinet and wets it with cool water. Kneeling down on
the floor he gently lifts Brian's head and cradles him carefully in
his arms. He runs the cool cloth over Brian's face and forehead
caressing his body gingerly.
I tilt my head back and manage to open my eyes faintly; the lights
too bright and I shut them quickly. I try to open my mouth and speak
but he places a fingertip over my dry lips.
"Justin…" I manage to croak out, it's so hard to speak my throat is
killing me.
"Don't speak Brian it can wait." He soothes as he lifts a glass to
my lips and slowly pours a steady stream of water into my mouth.
I swallow slowly and try to lift my hand up to his face but I'm too
weak to move.
"Shhh, the ambulance is on the way, you're going to be fine."
I concentrate hard and picture him holding me in his arms. He has a
soft smile on his face and he's stroking my cheek with his thumb.
My eyes flutter rapidly, and I try to stay awake but it's a losing
battle. "I love you." I whisper the words softly as I relax into
Justin's loving embrace.
