A/N: I am so supposed to be studying right now. Really. I have two more exams left. But I am the worst procrastinator ever and since I banned myself from updating 'The Complex Lives' this came out of me instead. I was pretty much just releasing some nervous energy, and this didn't take me that long, so please excuse me if it's really crappy. I think it is okay, but you never know. :-P I rated it 'K' because I really don't see it as being offensive. There isn't even any swearing which is quite astonishing for me. But if you think I should up the rating due to the slash and/or implied twincest, let me know and I will do it.

Song: '3 Libras' by A Perfect circle, lyrics are in italics.

-

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, composing the same letter in my mind. The letter that I had composed what felt like a million times before. A letter I would never send. A letter I would never even write. The words laced with the despairing feelings I would never express. And mixed with my tears.

Dear Ryan,

You threw me many baseballs during that game, and they had no meaning. But as soon as the first baseball left my hand, I knew. It contained everything I had. And it was for you. I threw it to you. Threw you the obvious. You didn't realise what it meant. And why would you? It was just a baseball. I should have seen that the ferocity at which you whacked that ball was your rejection of me. But it didn't occur to me because the way you hit it and the way you ran and leapt about mesmerised me.

No-one knew, and I suddenly had the biggest secret of the world on my shoulders. And so I tried to remove it. When I removed my shirt I tried to remove the weight. And I thought you would see it, but you still didn't. I suggested we change clothes. Threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back. You paraded around in my baseball clothes and I loved it. You never seemed to walk…more like float. You flew like an angel, really. You looked so hot in my clothes. I wanted you so bad. I thought you knew. I thought it was obvious. I thought you wanted me too…you wore my clothes.

Maybe, just like the baseball, our friendship meant more to me than it did to you. I didn't think about how you could have anyone. I wasn't the first person you used, was I? A name in your recollection. You are so different from your sister, but also so the same. I know you can't help it but it still disappoints me.

Difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed and passed over. We were friends. Now I just feel used. I had never previously seen you with anyone other than Sharpay and so I naturally thought I was special. It felt special that you were my friend, because you had never shown me attention before, even when I had made fun of you at school – which I had only ever done because I wanted your attention, Ryan. And you hadn't given it to me. But all of a sudden you were, and I loved it. I felt like I was actually on the same level as Sharpay. Not just a person who was second best as I had always been before, and you understood. But you were devoted to Sharpay…by choice. And you were only hanging out with me because she didn't want you. But I did, Ryan.

It's ironic how much you only care about yourself, and yet you can't see that I could be so much better for you than Sharpay. Your selfishness blinds you. Yes I said it. Ryan Evans, I think you are selfish. When you can't have what you want, you use people. And those people just can't help themselves from falling for you. And then you abandon them. Because your sister wants you back...But I know you can't help it. It's what you have learned from her.

I look right through to see you naked but oblivious. You love her. You may be a really great actor, but when you aren't on stage, you so earnestly wear your heart on your sleeve that it nearly kills me. Every time, and I mean that. It killed (and kills) me because in your eyes I couldn't see my love returned. You didn't even know my love was there. I knew everything you felt but you couldn't see my feelings. Oblivious…And you don't see me.

But I threw you the obvious just to see if there's more behind the eyes of a fallen angel. Eyes of a tragedy. I thought that maybe there was more to you than Sharpay. And that you could actually learn to love me the way you loved her…maybe even more. You needed the chance to be loved by someone else, and I was willing to give it to you. I gave you the chance a fallen angel deserves.

That night after the talent show, when I tried to kiss you. I was giving you everything. But it was too late, wasn't it? You didn't need me anymore because you had her back. I got my answer loud and clear when you pulled away – there was nothing more important to you than your sister. Nothing more behind your eyes. I should have known that if I couldn't find it in your eyes then I wouldn't find it behind them either.

Here I am expecting just a little bit too much from the wounded. You couldn't let me love you. I asked too much of you. You only have enough to give for one person. And you will never desert Sharpay. But I see, see through it all, see through, see you. But I can't help it, I still love you. I know what you are really like. More than she ever will. Just because you're twins doesn't mean she can see your soul. She doesn't have the ability to. She doesn't care enough. She will never be able to love your clueless-ness, your pale skin, your seemingly emaciated frame, the way I do.

Because I threw you the obvious to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel. It's hard for me to accept that you would give everything up for her. I guess you are her angel, not mine. But a fallen angel, of course. Because it's wrong. You know it too, but you can't help it. Eyes of a tragedy.

Oh well,I tried but couldn't save you, you wouldn't let me. Oh well, what else can I do? Apparently nothing. I threw you everything and it came to nothing. Apparently nothing at all. Just like I can never beat Troy, I can never beat Sharpay either – my whole life is disappointments. And just like you, I can't help the way I feel.

You don't, you don't, you don't see me. Now that we are back at school, again I mean nothing to you.You ignore me just like before. I honestly never believed you would do that. Well, I guess things never change. And I suppose it was stupid of me to think they would. But hey, I am stupid. Everyone knows that.

Now every time I walk past you, you don't even see me.


You don't, you don't, you don't see me


You don't see me


You don't


You don't see me at all
…but I still see you.

Yours truly,

Chad Danforth.

-

A/N: Yuck, got kind of repetitive and whiny. –shrugs– Obviously, I interpreted the lyrics the way I wanted to, but that's what songfic's are, right? Twisting the words to make them fit your story? (Although APC lyrics are pretty ambiguous anyway) I dunno! That was my first ever songfic! heh XD lol, I seriously wonder what Maynard James Keenan would think if he knew I was using his precious lyrics for a HSM fic. :S It's a really beautiful song though and I urge you to go and listen to it.

P.S…..WRITE SOME JARTHA:-P (I will absolutely love you (and reward you) for it!) XOX