Introduction of the Newcomers!
As DW9 is getting closer to being released, the old cast get to finally meet the new playable friends who will join them! Some are excited, some are…..not. Mostly the latter.
Chapter 1: Wei
Ah, such a typical, beautiful day in an over-the-top reimagining of Ancient China. But wait! Today, there will be a surprise for everyone, as the new cast of DW9 will make their grand appearances today! *celebratory horn* But enough talk! Let's get into it, shall we?
Wei
Cao Cao: blasts a REALLY huge MLG airhorn
"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Xiahou Dun: comes running in with pajamas AHHH! Cousin, is anything wrong?!
Xiahou Yuan: W-what, what?! Is there, is there an attack, or-
Cao Cao: No, you bum asses! Come on now, what are y'all doing, still sleeping like a goddamn sloth at this hour?! At this SPECIAL day?!
Guo Jia: My lord, it's 4 am!
Cao Cao: Eesh, come on, stop being such whiny babies! Do any of you not know what day is this?
Everyone: …
Xun Yu: Oh! Uhm, sir…. checks calendar …GASP! You're right! It's-
Cao Cao: Yep, that's right. The day the new playables will come to be introduced to us today!
Everyone: cheers
Yue Jin: Oh man, I'm so excited!
Li Dian: Yeah! Though, I heard they're nothing interesting…..
Yue Jin: What do you mean?
Li Dian: Well, mostly they're new strategists, and stuff….like, don't they think it's enough we got THREE already?
Jia Xu: What, is that a problem?
Li Dian: E-eh?
Jia Xu: I mean, heh, I know that our strategist department might get a liiitle bit overcrowded, but hey. At least it won't be as bad as Shu.
Cao Cao: Okay, enough chitchat! Time for us to welcome them! Let us welcome the first one, a-hem…..DRUMROLL, PLEASE!
drumroll
Everyone: intensifies
Cao Cao: Let us welcome the first of our newcomer….XUN YOU!
confettis everywhere
Everyone: WHOAAAA! …..eh?
Xun You: Greetings, everyone.
Everyone: …
Xun You: ….huh? Hey, why is it so quiet?
Everyone: …
Xun Yu: …..cousin? Is that…you?
Xun You: Hey, cousin! Oh, I'm so glad I'm a playable now! Now I got to meet yo-
Jia Xu: What? No no no, just wait a GODDDAMN minute.
Guo Jia: You….you're Xun Yu's cousin, right? Then why do you….
Xun Yu: …..why do you look like Xu Shu?!
Xun You: Eh? I do?
Xun Yu: Yes, you do! Goddammit, when I first saw you I thought that the first new playable we got is literally Xu Shu, just moved to Wei!
Jia Xu: Actually, knowing Koei….that wouldn't be too bizarre, honestly. Which is a sad thing.
Guo Jia: No, seriously, are you really Xun You?
Xun You: Well, of course I am! What do you take me for?!
Guo Jia: gropes Xun You
Xun You: A-ahh! W-what the hell are you doing?!
Guo Jia: I'm just checking. Making sure you aren't actually Xu Shu in disgui-
Xun You: shoves Guo Jia away Now cut off that shit! Huff, I told you I'm NOT Xu Shu! Why would I be want to be some useless hobo who never achieved a single fucking notable achievement historically?! Hell no!
Jia Xu: Well, to be honest, a lot of your historical achievements got shafted to Guo Jia, so….
Cao Cao: Now, now, that's enough, everybody! Now, Xun You, congratulations for finally making it as a playable!
confetti
Xun You: Ah, t-thank you so much, my lord. T-to be honest, I'm not worthy.
Cao Cao: Whaaaattt? Bullshit! hits Xun You a little
Xun You: Ow!
Cao Cao: Come on now, miss me with that "humble goody-two-shoes" shit, this way you really ARE starting to look like Xu Shu! But ahem, it doesn't matter now, you see, you're one of my most talented strategist historically, so I'm sure you'll do your best.
Xun You: Ah, ahem, thank you.
Cao Cao: Good! And now! Let us prepare for the arrival of the second playable! Ahem, drumroll again, please!
drumrolls
Cao Cao: And now! Let us welcome the second newcomer…..Man Chong!
confetti
Man Chong: Hi guys!
Everyone: Whoa!
Man Chong: Hahaha….man, it really took a while for me to finally be included here, huh.
Cao Cao: Yeah, it kinda sucks honestly. But hey! At least you're here now, so it doesn't matter! Hahaha!
Man Chong: Yeah, yeah, thank you…..hm? Ah, GONGMING?
Xu Huang: Gasp…..BONING!
cue dramatic running to each other and hug
Everyone: sweatdrops
Xiahou Dun: …..oy. Don't you think this is a bit….inappropriate?
Xiahou Yuan: Yes, but…..I don't see why you would be surprised by it.
Xiahou Dun: Why?!
Xiahou Yuan: Really, you're SURPRISED by shit like this?! In a series where the females are practically not acknowledged as actual, independent human beings?!
Xiahou Dun: That was missing my point, but still…..
Yu Jin: With a name like 'Boning' you're bound to get something that's a wee bit off.
Xu Huang: Oh, my good friend! After all these years…you finally!
Man Chong: Yes, I did. Speaking of which, haven't we already met each other?
Xu Huang: Huh? When?
Man Chong: You know….during that reunion in the Koei building?
Xu Huang: Oh, that's right! But, heh, it's been a long time, so….anyway! You didn't even change the slightest bit!
Man Chong: Ah, well, there have been some alterations to my clothes and stuff, but yeah! I'm glad they kept my pretty face, haha~ glinting smile with a smug face
Xu Huang: sweatdrop Err….yeah…
Cao Cao: Now you two, when are you going to cut out that gay shit? Come on, there are children watching!
Xu Huang: I'm pretty sure children aren't allowed to play this series.
Man Chong: Yeah, it's rated T…..plus all of you are adults, anyway.
Cao Cao: Bah, do you think they would really give a shit about ratings?! Akh, nevermind. Just cut that out before it straddles the M rating!
Man Chong: Alright, alright! Sheesh.
Cao Cao: So! Man Chong. You're the person who will prove valuable in our fight against Shu and Wu at Fan Castle and Hefei respectively, right?
Man Chong: Yep! That's right!
Cao Cao: Hahaha! Good, good! I'm sure you will do a fantastic job! Now come to think of it, you seem to have a knack for engineering and building stuff, isn't it?
Man Chong: Yep! I've always loved them, especially when I build an especially menacing-looking fortress that'll scare the enemies shitless!
Cao Cao: Really? Maybe you could try making one for us so those pesky Wu and Shu won't attack us anymore?
Man Chong: Well, I COULD, but….it usually takes a REALLY long time, sir, so I don't think it will be practical.
Cao Cao: Ah, that's a shame. But still! I'm glad you're here at last, Man Chong.
Man Chong: Ahaha, right. Oh, Cao Ren and Yu Jin!
Cao Ren: Ah, Man Chong!
Yu Jin: We're happy that you're finally here.
Man Chong: Ahaha, me too. I'm glad that I can finally meet you two as well!
gibberish discussions between the three
Guo Jia: Whaaatt? Why won't Man Chong be with us? Why is he with those two party-poopers?
Jia Xu: Well, mainly because they're both obsessed with law. Almost like a fetish.
Guo Jia: Fetish? Ha, that's ridiculous, who would even-
Yu Jin: …..for me, I would immediately chop their heads for stepping on grasses.
Cao Ren: Really? That's too harsh. I prefer immediately making them run around the Great Wall 100 times.
Man Chong: Ahaha…well, personally, I would chop their feet off in the slowest, most torturous way possible. That'll teach them to not step on grasses and disrespect nature, AND THE LAW!
All three: LAW! does a ridiculous sky-fist pose
Everyone else: depressed
Guo Jia: ….are they….are they serious?
Xun Yu: Yes, they really are THAT serious about the law.
Jia Xu: I mean, I don't really mind Yu Jin and Cao Ren, but Man Chong….he says that shit while SMILING…
Everyone: depressed
Cao Cao: …..umm, ahem! Okay everybody, now is the time for the last newcomer! And! As a bonus, he's even my own relative! SO! THE LAST DRUMROLL, PLEASE!
DRUMROLLS!
Everyone: intensifies
Cao Cao: And now! For the last newcomer, let us welcome…..CAO XIU!
confetti
Cao Xiu: Greetings, everyone. Let me introduce myself, my name is-
Everyone: Gasps!
Cao Xiu: ….is something wrong?
Zhang He: No way….you! Who are you and how DARE you to steal my beauty!
Cao Xiu: W-what? Uncle literally said that I am Cao Xi-
Zhang He: What, no, I don't care! I mean, look at you! Who do you think you are, getting to steal people's faces like that-
Cao Xiu: What, hellooo! Do I get to choose how the fuck I'm supposed to look from BIRTH! You wanna get salty, go complain to those Koei asses! Not me!
Zhang He: This is disgraceful! Why those fucks can give you an original appearance and instead had to steal MY look?!
Cao Xiu: Well, at least I actually, you know, ACT like a MAN, which is certainly NOT what your bitch-ass will be remembered for!
Zhang He: Oh yeah? Big talk for someone who's only remembered for having his ass got handed by that kid from Wu!
Cao Xiu: Hey, it was people's fault for remembering me SOLELY for that alone! Compared to you, who died by getting an arrow to the knee!
Zhang He: Grr!
Cao Xiu: GRR!
Cao Cao: No why don't you quit your useless bickering?!
Zhang He and Cao Xiu: Ah?
Cao Cao: Sigh….seriously. Come here Xiu.
Cao Xiu: Uncle!
Cao Cao: Heh, you look mostly the same the last time I saw you on that reunion.
Cao Xiu: Ah, right.
Cao Cao: Still, it's good to finally have you here, though. Took way too goddamn long for those company bastards to add you!
Cao Xiu: Ah, I'm honored, Uncle.
Cao Cao: Oh well….let's hope they'll do you justice and not make you solely into "that one dude who got owned at Shiting", but I just KNOW they'll fuck it up. Sigh…well, at least that you're here, my family is one step closer to completion.
Xiahou Dun: So, uhh….cousin? Are these truly ALL we have?
Cao Cao: Hm? Ah, yeah. We got three adds. Still better than all the others, at least! Haha!
Jia Xu: But, seriously! We got like, what….2 strategists and one warrior?! Even if we got the most adds, that's wasting that amount of space!
Guo Jia: Yeah! Like…no new females?
Xun Yu: Are you seriously ONLY concerned about getting new females for you to hit on?
Guo Jia: Uhhh…no! No, no no no no…of course not! That'd be pretty gross….right? I mean, I care about equality, okay! Equality for all genders.
Xun You: Dude, we're living in an era where most women don't even get their full names recorded….do you REALLY care for 'equality'?
Guo Jia: T-tch, j-just forget it! I mean, what's wrong with having more females! With the current cast being a total sausagefest like this-
Cao Cao: Okay, okay, that's enough! Look, some of us may be disappointed, but just accept the results, okay? Like, it's good enough that we have the most adds, which were actually relevant historically, and most of all, not fictional! I mean, that's a hella lotta better than Shu, already! It's fine. When the game comes out, we'll get to kick ass and prove that Wei is the best!
Everyone: YOOOOOOO!
Meanwhile, in Shu…..
Liu Bei: Huh, so today's the introduction day of the new playables, huh? I can't wait….and yet at the same time I'm somehow kinda afraid and worried….oh well.
To Be Continued…
HAIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA GUYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSS! loud blaring horns
So, okay, gotta get the greetings out of the way, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year everybody! confettis and trumpets
So! Yeah….I went into a long-ass hiatus that I honestly didn't expect to actually come back from because I was SO tired, drained, and devoid of any inspiration. But! After some pressure from my mom who told me that the best way to get rid of any 'lack of inspiration' is to simply get your ass moving and actually FORCE yourself I finally give you this! Man, it's been a while since I wrote about DW and I'm honestly not as interested in the franchise as much as before, but I'll try, especially since 9 is coming on February! Woo-hoo!
So yeah! This is a warm-up chapter that I produced after a long-ass hiatus and laziness, so please forgive me if it seems….odd. But it's okay! I'll get better eventually!
Anyways! Please leave a review and have a good day!
