Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own Harry Potter. Honestly, people. If I did, would I be writing on here?

Author's Note: This is a very somber piece. I'm not quite sure how long it will be. It's rated T because although there are some very significant issues, there is nothing too much to make it M. I promise that it will get better. On a side note, I may just abandon A Trip to Whales as no one seems to be enjoying it. So if you do like it, review so i will have someone to make happy. Anyways, I hope you like this. Please review.


I stumbled onto the platform, looking around me nervously. The Hogwarts Express blew a thick cloud of smoke out of its' top as the whistle sounded loudly. I swallowed thickly. Despite the familiarity of this place, I couldn't help but feel horribly vulnerable in the crowd. I shivered as some fifth year brushed passed me. Why did I feel so lost? I had been here what felt like a million times. I was Head Girl for Merlin's sake. I should know what I was doing.

"Lily!" The word sliced through my head; the didn't feel right anymore. "Lily, there you are! I've been looking all over! When did you get here?" Katarina, my closest friend, squealed, making my skin crawl.

"Oh, I just… uh… got here." I said, slowly, loosing my train of thought all too frequently. "I've got to go though. I have the… uhm… prefects meeting, since I'm a Head and such."

"Right! I completely forgot!" She made to give me a quick hug goodbye but I recoiled out of her grasp.

"Bye." I called softly over my shoulder, becoming once again lost in the crowd of students. Remorse was not felt at the obvious brush off of my friend. I could not bring myself to feel anything but alone.

I made my way to the train slowly, avoiding physical and social contact with anyone as best as I could. Several friends stopped to say hello, but I hurried on, muttering almost inaudibly about the prefects meeting. It was just about eleven o'clock and in a few hours I could just go up to my private dormitory in the castle and be bothered by no one but myself.

I heaved my things into the prefects' compartment, stowing them away on the racks above the seats and sat down looking out the window at the bustling students. I felt no desire to join them, to laugh and converse about the upcoming year, about how it would be our last. I just wished furiously that I could lay down and sleep for forever, never having to worry about another thing again. But I knew that I couldn't; I hadn't been able to sleep in months.

"Lily! Hello." At the male voice I visibly stiffened, though after I had recognized it, my muscles relaxed hesitantly.

"Potter." I said, turning to nod at the form that stood looming above me at almost two metres. "Hello."

"How was your summer, Lily?" James asked, obviously surprised at my civil behaviour.

I fought to stay in the present, though I could not suppress the shudder that shook my now bony frame. "Fine. Yours?" I asked, desperately attempting to pull the conversation away from me.

He ignored my question though, his eyebrows knitting together in concern. "Are you all right?" His eyes ran over my body, taking in the drastic changes from the end of last year. He saw how my hair hung limp and how my skin was pale and sallow. He saw how my bones jutted out from my body in sharp angles. He saw how dark smudges encircled my dull green eyes. I wished he couldn't, but my wishes never seem to be granted.

"Of course." I lied. "Erm… What are you doing in the prefects compartment?"

"I'm Head Boy." He said, still distracted. He shook it off, though, giving me a warm smile. "Looks as though we'll be sharing a dormitory together, eh? I wonder if they really are much better than our old ones."

"Oh, uhm… yeah, I suppose." I replied, not really listening. I wrung my hands in my lap, staring at them unseeingly. The sixth year prefects came bursting in then, plopping down on the seats loudly.

James called them all to order, introducing us as their Heads. He took over the meeting, telling them that an owl would come informing them all of their patrolling schedules, while I just sat there, staring at my hands.

The train, thankfully, came to a halt a few hours after James had dismissed the prefects. He had attempted to make small talk with me, though I was unresponsive. I had moved as far away from him as the small compartment would allow, though it was not because of any aversion to him specifically. I just did not feel comfortable being anywhere near him.

My breathing came more quickly as he leaned above me, placing his book back into his trunk.

"Are you sure you're all right?" He asked again.

"Yes. I'm perfectly fine." It's odd how, once you've said a lie enough times, it almost starts sounding true to you as well.

"Right." He said, not sounding completely convinced. I had no idea why he wouldn't believe me when my own mum believed me the first time that I had told her. "Bit peaky?" James asked, his voice still dripping with genuine concern. "You look like— well you didn't have anything from the trolley."

"No." My voice sounded weary and forced, even to my own ears. It was like everything about me had been turned down a notch, making everything a slow automatic reaction. "I'm not."

"Right. Well, I'm sure the feast will be wonderful." He was trying to lighten up the mood, to make that spark flash in my eyes once more like it always used to. It wasn't working. After all, nothing really would.

I merely nodded, turning and walking out the sliding door to the front of the train, hoping desperately that no one else would try to speak with me. Luck was with me, standing by my side as ice cold rain slid down the backs of my robes. It was when I sidled by the thick mahogany doors of the Great Hall that luck decided to leave.

"Not going to the feast?" James asked, coming up beside me. It occurred to me that I should be angry. Who was he to suddenly start speaking to me as though I hadn't despised him for six years? But the fury, the fire, refused to come.

"No. I told you, I'm not hungry." My eyelids felt heavy. I was tired. I was always tired, but sleep always managed to allude me, along with the ability to keep food down.

"Where are you going then?"

"To the dormitory." I replied, not having the heart nor energy to argue with him.

"Why?" He inquired, though the question than ran through my mind was Why won't he just leave me be?

"I thought I go up for a bit of a rest." I answered somewhat truthfully.

"Well, I hope you feel better." His words projected all the worry and concern that his voice could not.

I hoped so too, however useless it was.

I just stared up at him, my face pinched into one that resembled this half-person, someone who wasn't all there anymore. Walking away, I could feel his eyes on me and I was horribly uncomfortable for more reasons than one.

I'm not quite sure how I managed to get into the dormitory, but once I did, I made a beeline for my quarters. I lay down on the bed, wrapping my arms around my torso, hopelessly trying to hold myself together. The deep wracking sobs that ripped from my fragile being echoed into the room around me. I squeezed my eyes shut and hugged myself more closely, trying to shut out the vivid memories. But even when you close your eyes and all you see is black, you can still tell if darkness surrounds you.