His Father's Son
By: Andrea
Disclaimer: I don't own anything, expect my DVDs.
Spoilers: Orphan of War, Past Imperfect
Xena watched her son playing with the other children. He laughed and ran after a ball the children were kicking. Xena smiled. He was exactly as she imagined. He had his father's build and his mother's eyes, but he actually looked a lot like his uncle Lyceus, who had died way before his birth.
Lyceus would have loved to be an uncle.
And Borias would have loved to be father.
But both had never gotten the chance. Instead they were dead. And Solan was being raised in a Centaur village, without his mother.
Xena's smile had faded, but her eyes stayed on her child. It was better this way. Solan was happy. He was being raised by good people, who had loved his father. Xena wondered if Borias would have agreed with her decision. She liked to think he would. Since she had been reunited with their son, she had starting thinking of Borias more, and knowing that the dead could hear the thoughts of those living, had begun talking to him whenever the urge hit.
Borias, I know you can hear me. I wish you could see our son. He is perfect. He's everything you ever wanted. And more than I could have hoped for. He reminds me of my brother. I don't know if I ever told you about him, but my younger brother Lyceus was blond and blue eyed. He loved to laugh and always made others feel happy just being around him.
I think you and Lyceus would have gotten along. I loved him more than anything and when he was killed I lost my way.
But you helped me find it again. I didn't know it at the time, but without you I would still be lost. You loved me. Even when I had forgotten how to love, you were able to love me. I know now that I loved you as well. I wasn't able to admit it to myself, but know I can. I wish I had been able to tell you when you were alive. I wish so many things could be different.
I wish you were alive.
I wish I hadn't closed myself off.
I wish I had raised our baby.
I wish you could see our son.
He reminds me of you as well. He has a look in his eyes that reminds me of the way you used to look at me. Like you could see right into my soul. His eyes are blue like mine, but the soul behind them is yours. You have no idea what it's like to look into his eyes and see you, to see my brother in his laugher, to see me in his smile and know that he is no longer mine.
I gave him up after you died. I would have given him to you, you know? I would have let you raise him. I knew I wasn't capable of it. I'm not sure I'd be capable of it now. But I wanted him to be raised as he deserved. Like you wanted him to be.
I gave him to Kalipus. To the centaurs you chose to help. Thank you. You kept me from making a huge mistake. They have taken wonderful care of our son. He's grown in love. He has everything we could have ever wanted for him. He's happy.
Today I'm leaving him again. Leaving him with the only family he's ever known. And yet I want to hold him in my arms, tell him the truth, and take him with me. But I can't.
Today he would have made you proud. He decided that being a warrior was not for him. He threw your sword into the lake. Nice place to hide the stone by the way.
I know he thinks of you often. I know you hear his thoughts too. He loves you so much. He wants to be like you.
And in so many ways, he is.
I wish you could see him.
Xena gave one last look at her beautiful boy before turning and walking away…again.
The End.
